Chapter 28

Buffy sat in Bam's room in Castle Bam and stared out the window. Connor was asleep in the bed next to her, gently sucking on her pinky. They had retreated to Castle Bam because the press hounded her everywhere she went. The plane crash had already been plastered all over the news, but when the list of passengers had been leaked and the press had discovered Buffy's husband had been one of them, she hadn't been left alone since. Ville barely left her side, but at the moment he was downstairs helping Bam and the gang move things back into Buffy's old room.

They had to force her to eat and even then, she barely touched the food they put in front of her. She couldn't sleep. She kept having these nightmares of Angel being terrified as the plane crashed and Buffy couldn't save him. She also spent the nights wandering the house while her brain refused to go to sleep. The whole time, she was worried that Angel had been mad at her when he died. But she wouldn't tell anyone that because she barely spoke anyway.

The next night, they were flying to Sunnydale to finish planning Angel's funeral. His body had been recovered and sent to a funeral home in his home town. Brenden O'Donnell met his daughter-in-law and her friends at the airport. He took them to the mansion to let them get settled and then brought them over to his house for supper. While Buffy and Bam sat at the table, Buffy feeding Connor to distract her, Brenden pulled Ville to the side in the kitchen.

"I know how I feel, but I can't imagine how Buffy is." He said.

Ville gave him a sad smile. "She barely eats and she can't sleep. If she does, she wakes up screaming. Most days she just walks around in a daze."

"Poor thing. Should I talk to her?"

"It won't do any good. She's stubborn like that. Ever since she found out, she's barely said three words to anybody. I don't know how she's going to plan the funeral."

"Well, we're here to help."

"How are holding up?"

"Some days are better than others. It's hard to face the fact that my oldest son is…. Some days I can't even get out of bed."

"How's Xander?"

"Miserable. He's lost without his big brother."

"I can imagine." Ville looked out at Buffy gently feeding her son.

"How about white roses?" Bam suggested. Buffy shook her head. He sighed and tried not to groan. They had been searching through flower types for the last fifteen minutes with barely anything from Buffy. "B, we don't know what you want unless you talk to us."

She looked at him for a minute and Ville was getting ready to tell her it was all right, but she said quietly, "Jasmine. He loved jasmine."

"You want jasmines?" Buffy nodded. "Ok, one down….."

"Bam." Ville warned, holding Buffy's hand and giving it a squeeze.

"I need to check on Connor." Buffy stood up and left the room.

Bam sighed and threw the pen down. "She can't keep doing this."

"Brandon." Ville snapped. He never used Bam's real name. "I know it's frustrating and I know you're not the most patient person out there, but she's hurting."

"I know, but we can't do this for her."

"Did you ever think she doesn't want to do this?"

"Yes, I did." Bam sighed again. "I don't want to do this either. I liked Angel. He was a great guy. He made my best friend happier than I could ever have dreamed for her. But I can't plan this without her."

"I know. I'll talk to her."

"No, let me. I need to apologize." Bam got up and walked into the bedroom where Buffy was feeding Connor in her arms.

"He looks more and more like his father every time I look at him." Buffy said quietly.

"He's a perfect mix of the both of you." He walked over and crouched in front of her. "Listen, I'm sorry. I know you don't want to do this." She looked away from him. "It'll be all right. You can cry."

"I have to lay Connor down for his nap."

Bam wanted to shake her out of her numbness, but he kissed her cheek. "I love you, B."

Ville watched him patiently. "Nothing?"

"Nada." Bam said. "Maybe we need to talk to Brenden."

"I think Brenden needs to talk to Buffy."

Buffy didn't say a word through the funeral. She just sat and stared straight ahead as she bounced Connor on her lap. Lots of people came to tell her they were sorry for her loss. Ville didn't want to leave her side, but she was with family. Her mother was there for her, though. But even Joyce couldn't get her daughter to react to anything.

Brenden held the wake at his house and Buffy hid upstairs the entire time. Ville walked upstairs and sat next to her. They sat in silence for almost 45 minutes. "You ok?" He asked simply.

"I needed a break." Buffy said.

"That's understandable."

"Is everything ok? Does anybody need anything?"

"Just to make sure you're ok." Buffy shook her head. "I know. I'll tell everyone you're ok, you're just tired."

"Thank you."

"Don't worry. I'll take care of you." There was a commotion outside in the backyard and Ville went to the window and groaned. "Bam's in a fight with some cameraman outside."

"Cameraman? They're out there?"

"'Fraid so, sweetheart." Ville chuckled. "Bam's got it covered for you." Buffy walked over to the window to see Bam toss the cameraman out of the yard as he screamed and cussed him into the front yard and down the street.

"I'm going to lay down."

Ville turned and saw her lay down in Angel's old bed and pull Connor close to her. "You want me to take him?"

"He's fine."

Ville wanted to do more for her, but she wasn't responding to anyone except her son.

Buffy sat next to the mansion's huge fireplace. There wasn't a fire going, so it was big and empty and hollow. And it fit how she felt. She picked up the bottle of tequila and took a long swing. For the last three hours, Buffy had been alone in the house she had come to love while she had been recovering. Connor was with Brenden and Ville and Bam were helping Xander clean Brenden's house. Joyce was with Brenden and Connor for the day.

Buffy wanted to be alone, but then again she didn't. When she was alone, she could feel all the emotions hit her and she didn't want to feel them. So, she had picked up a bottle of tequila and tried to dull the pain. Unfortunately it wasn't working and the tears were starting to flow. She wiped at the tears and shook her head angrily, but they kept coming. The sobs came sporadically and she couldn't stop those either. Her Angel was gone. The one thing in her life next to Connor that could keep her going was gone.

And to make her feel worse, she could remember every word they had spoken to each other the last time she had seen him alive. The argument felt so much worse now than it had at the time. If only she had known…. She wouldn't have left. She wouldn't have taken the part she had wanted so badly if she'd have known what it would cost her.

The door opened and Buffy tried to stop crying, but it was too late. The pain wasn't going away. Brenden laid Connor down in his playpen and walked over to Buffy. He said something in Gaelic and took the bottle away from her. She hardly even noticed.

"Talk to me, child. You're my only daughter and it hurts me so bad that you're hurting like this."

Buffy shook her head, but the words spilled out with her tears. "The last thing we did the last time I saw him alive was fight. He didn't want me to go to New Zealand. We said 'I love you' and meant it, but we didn't really MEAN it because we were mad at each other."

Brenden took Buffy's hand and shook his head. "You meant it just as Angel meant it. Every word of love he said to you, he meant it with all his heart. I've never seen that boy happier in his life than when he was just thinking about you. Even when he was fighting with you, he was happy."

"I should've listened to him. I shouldn't have gone. I wanted that part so bad and…. He's still be here if…."

"Things happen that are out of our control." He gently took her chin and brought her face up to look at him. "Angel loved you more than life itself. He couldn't stop raving that you were playing Anne Boleyn. He was so proud of you."

"Then why did we fight?"

"He was scared. It was the first time since Connor was born that you weren't going to be there with him and he wasn't going to be able to hold his son and his wife."

"He was so angry."

"He was so scared. Not angry. And he still loves you. I know it." Brenden stood up and picked up a sleeping Connor. He gently handed him to Buffy. "You can't give up on life because you think he's not with you. He left a piece of himself that was made in love and will forever be that way."

Buffy held Connor tightly and sobbed, "I want him back so bad."

"We all do, but you need to focus on Connor right now. Taking care of Connor and going on loving Angel through your son will keep him alive in everyone's hearts. You're not alone, Buffy. You've got the best of friends and the best of families to take care of you." Just then, Ville walked in the door and Brenden turned to leave. He paused, looking at Ville taking care of a sobbing Buffy. "He loves you more than you'll ever know and he wants you to be so happy."

Ville gently took Connor from Buffy and laid him back in his playpen. Buffy stared at her son for a long moment and the grief suddenly crushed her. Ville walked back over to her and held her in his arms. She fell over into his lap and sobbed. And that's where she stayed for the next few hours, crying out her grief until she eventually fell asleep with Ville watching over her and her sleeping son.