Disclaimer: No one is mine except for (of course) the baby.
The choppers set down on the landing pad, stirring up plumes of swirling dust. Hawkeye shielded his young burden's eyes as he carried her into Colonel Potter's office and sat down in front of his superior's desk.
"The best thing for us to do with her is give her to the orphanage," Potter said as he settled himself in his swivel chair. "They've been caring for war orphans ever since the fighting started."
"May I venture an opinion, Colonel?" interrupted Father Mulcahy from the doorway.
"What is it, padre?"
"The orphanage can't handle a child this young. Newborns require almost constant attention at all hours of the day. There are too many orphans to manage that."
"What do you suggest, then?" asked Hawkeye, shifting the baby's weight unto his lap. "We can't just leave her out to dry, can we?"
"And we certainly can't keep her here," interjected the colonel. "Like you said, Father, she'll need a lot of attention. A busy MASH unit in the middle of a war is no place for children."
"Have a heart," said Hawkeye, determined to fight out his case. "At least let us keep her until other arrangements can be made. There are a lot of people in this camp and I'm sure we can give her all that attention between us."
Colonel Potter opened his mouth to argue but was cut off by the door bursting open, revealing Captain BJ Hunnicutt. "Is it true?" he asked. "It's a girl?"
"Now wait just a minute, Hunnicutt--" Potter started, lurching forward in his seat. But BJ was already deaf to his words, leaning over Hawkeye to examine the new arrival.
"Looks a bit like my little Erin," he declared proudly.
"All babies look alike," Hawkeye retorted. "But somehow I doubt Erin looks Korean. Back off."
"Shut up and listen, you two. That kid's not staying, and that's final," insisted the colonel, standing up to emphasize his point. Just as he finished, Majors Margaret Houlihan and Charles Winchester entered the room.
"I bet no other MASH has got their own resident adoptee," Margaret exclaimed, shoving BJ to the side.
"We're not adopting anybody!" said Potter.
"She'll make a fine protégée, don't you think?" said Charles, totally disregarding his commanding officer's claim. "I'll make her the finest surgeon this side of the Pacific."
"Looks like you've been overruled, sir," Father Mulcahy said to the colonel.
"Maybe you're right," Potter admitted. "Okay, everybody. I want every single person in this camp to assemble in the officer's mess tent. We'll discuss our options there."
Within ten minutes every nurse, soldier, and doctor was gathered in the Officer's Mess, chattering eagerly. Colonel Potter got up in front of them and called, "If we're adopting this orphan, the first thing she'll need is a name."
These words were met by a barrage of comments from the peanut gallery.
"How about 'Marie'?"
"I don't know, Margaret. I personally prefer 'Grace'."
"Well, you would, Father. I'd choose 'Sophie'."
"Radar, you name horses after children, not children after horses. It's 'Peg', 'Erin', or nothing in my opinion."
"Beej, go soak your head in Klinger's cooking. I'd say 'Katharine', like Katharine Hepburn."
"Watch it about the cooking, Captain. What about 'Hafizah'? That was my grandmother's name. She used to make the best kebabs in America."
"Don't be stupid, Klinger, if that's possible. I vote 'Wolfgang'."
"'Wolfgang?' She's a girl, Charles!"
"Any girl would be honored to be named after Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Unfortunately, I don't believe the thought entered your tiny brain, Pierce."
"Now wait just one second, you big-mouthed--"
"Shut up, all of you! Next person that speaks cleans the latrines for the next month!" roared Colonel Potter, looking around to see the results of his threat. The room was silent as a tomb.
"Now," the colonel continued, "I believe we should vote on a name in an orderly fashion. Pierce, Hunnicutt, and Winchester, our surgeons, will each choose a name. Then we will decide from those three. Pierce, what's your choice?"
"Well," Hawkeye answered, "Beej and I both agree on 'Katharine'." He and BJ nodded.
"Winchester, what about you?"
"I choose 'Hippolyta'."
"'Hippolyta'" Hawkeye scoffed, sniggering. "What kind of a name is 'Hippolyta'?"
"It is the name of the warrior queen of the Amazons in Greek mythology," said Charles huffily. "It has also been used in Shakespeare."
"Break it up, gentlemen," said Colonel Potter. "You have your choices. Everyone who chooses 'Hippolyta' raise your hand."
Charles sat alone with his arm in the air, casting glares around him at the other motionless voters.
"By almost unanimous decision, this baby is hereby named 'Katherine'. All in favor say 'Aye'."
"Aye!" cried everyone in the room except for a very disgruntled Charles Emerson Winchester III.
"No one in this camp has good taste," he grumbled, folding his arms defensively.
"Charles, old buddy, old pal," said Hawkeye, throwing an arm around the Major's wide shoulders, "there is only one man in camp with bad taste in infantile nomenclature. Three guesses who."
"Pierce, you disgust me," said Charles with utmost dignity, shrugging away from Hawkeye. "By the way, never touch me again. I do not wish to be infected by your severe case of idiocy."
"But Charles," retorted Hawkeye, "you've already begun to exhibit symptoms."
"I don't have to sit here and listen to this," the major said, getting up to leave. "Oh, here's a slight problem for you to puzzle over. How are you going to feed the newly christened Katharine?"
"We'll make do with what we have in stock," answered Colonel Potter from the front. "You know, the stuff we keep for wounded children. As I remember, Father Mulcahy got hold of it in the first place. No doubt he can get us some more once it runs out, won't you, padre?"
Father Mulcahy looked up with an expression like a deer caught in a car's headlights. "Well, Colonel," he stammered, "I'll see what I can do. However, you might also remember the means I used to get it by…"
"What means?" inquired Hawkeye, turning away from his torment of Charles.
"Ackblay arketmay," murmured the priest out of the corner of his mouth. "But don't tell anyone."
Hawkeye smiled knowingly and whispered, "Not a word, pops."
"Now, Pierce is in charge of the baby for tonight," said Potter, interrupting them. "He'll switch with someone else tomorrow night. Dismissed."
Hawkeye collected the infant and set off for the Swamp. There he met BJ, who instantly pulled a large wicker basket from behind his back.
"A perfect cradle," he explained. "Let's just make it more comfortable."
Hawkeye filled the basket with some blankets and lay the baby inside, watching as she immediately settled down, blinking her wide dark eyes.
"Funny," said BJ. "Erin fussed for almost a full day after she was born. Apparently Kitty here has a rather more stoic personality."
"'Kitty'?" repeated Hawkeye, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. It's a nickname for 'Katharine'."
"I know that, Beej, but she's not a cat."
"So?"
"Fine, I like it. I wonder if Sleeping Beauty approves." He gestured to Charles, who was curled on his cot with a pillow over his head.
"Do you two cretins know the meaning of the word 'sleep', by any chance?" the major growled, voice muffled by the pillow.
"Sleep, noun. A state of being in which an organism is at rest and there is a decrease in bodily movement and response to stimuli," rattled off BJ. "Gee, Hawk, I guess I really don't know. Please enlighten us, Charles."
"Highly amusing," their bunkmate groaned. "How droll. Quite humorous. Might you also perchance know the meaning of the words 'Shut up'?"
"Shut up is an exclamation in which the--"
"SHUT UP!"