May 18, 2006

Mr B came in today. Mmm. Every once in a while I wonder why I didn't kill him that time I had him suspended over an aquarium full of piranhas (I mean, besides the fact that Puddin' accidentally shoved me and I fell through the window before I could lower the rope. I'm such a klutz). Anyway, I wonder why I didn't finish him off then, and I get kinda confused. And then I'll be stewing away in Arkham like an unfinished gumbo and he'll breeze by with the Mad Hatter (it's always the Mad Hatter for some reason) and I'll REMEMBER why I didn't kill him. BECAUSE HE HAS A JAW LIKE CARVED MARBLE AND ABS YOU COULD GRATE CHEESE ON. Now, don't get me wrong! I'm Scarlett-O-Hara faithful to my Puddin, but you gotta admit something about Mr B makes a girl's ovaries ache a little.

I kinda have a suspicion he's a porn star in real life. I mean why else would he be so ashamed to tell everyone who he is, unless he'd lose all kindsa respect, ya know? Plus, there's the preferential treatment of skintight leather and spandex, not to mention the occasional underwear-outside-the-pants (depending on his costume). Not to mention his affinity for harboring adolescent houseboys in green tights. Plus, him and Superman act mighty familiar. It's not all just business with them, you know what I'm saying? And don't forget that time I knocked him out and dragged him to the Gotham Aquarium, as previously mentioned; moving that slow leaves lotsa room for inspection and let ME tell YOU, guy's WELL-HUNG. Although thinking back on it, maybe I shoulda been taking off his mask and paying a little less attention to his pelvicular regions. Oh well WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, and it is my professional opinion as a one-time doctor that Bats is working the BLUE FILMS.

Mmm, kinda puts a different light on all those times he tackled me and tied me up.

Anyway, turns out Mr B made the trip to Arkie to see little ole me! I gave him a big hug which he did NOT return (I guess all our past experiences together mean NOTHING to that cold, unfeeling rodent). And then I asked him what was up. And he said The Jig. Which I thought was pretty funny, especially from Bats, until I realized he was serious.

So he's all very somber and businesslike- Mr J woulda been so unimpressed- and sits me down and wants me to tell him all bout my puddin. Says he got word through the grapevine (bats have grapevines?) that Mr J is working on something BIG, really really BIG, but all he could scare out of the goon of Mr J's he caught is that it somehow involves Red. (Wonder which goon it was. Bet it was the fat one. I never did like him, and he can't run very fast anyway.) Then he asks me what I know about it. Well, I hold firm! I don't tell him ANYTHING about it! Wicked Bats, thinking he can sweep in here with his cheddar cheese abs and cause a girl to blab all over the place. Still, though, I say NOTHING! Partly because I've got no idea what he's talking about, but MOSTLY just outta sheer loyalty to my puddin.

But then Bats tells me that if I give him any information, he'll get me Outside Privileges early, without sitting through a week of psychoanalysis with Killer Croc. Bad weak pushover Harley is… slightly swayed, especially when he tells me he'll also get me back into the HARLEY LOVES MR J cell. I tell ya, Bats really knows how to appeal to a girl's sensibilities. I don't know the kind of info he wants, of course, but I mention I went to sleep with Ivy after Mr J justifiably kicked me out. (Bats' eyebrows went all up at that, which is was pretty funny-looking under his mask. I don't know what he thought I was implying!) Anyway, I explain, since then Mr J and Red haven't been very friendly. Mr B rolls his eyes and mutters something about a bizarre love triangle, which can't be right, cause that's an X-Men series and this is real life.

Anyway, I guess I wasn't very much help, but Mr B Thanks Me For My Cooperation regardless! I hugged him goodbye and he didn't hug me back, AGAIN, which is just plain rude. Still, though, he didn't tell the orderlies to get me offa him, so maybe we're making progress.

So now it's seven and my cell number still hasn't been changed. Meaning I'm still in the tinfoil cell. BLAAAAH to Mr B. Still, the guards did tell me that tomorrow I get garden duty with Red, so I guess I can't get that mad.

Maybe Bats'll have to come back For More Information. He might even bring the Boy Wonder. Those green tights ain't hard on these ole peepers either.

LOVE HARLEY