Author: Japhu
Beta Reader: Nagi
Pairing: HPSS
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter and his world and don't make any money with it.
Summary: For one week in summer Harry disappears without trace. When he comes back he claims to have no memory. But something happened and it changed him. It remains to be seen if for the better or the worse. (will be HPSS)
Category: action/adventure/angst
Feedback: highly appreciated
A/N: Thank you very much for reviewing.
Chapter 38 – Hogwarts' Harry
Harry did not say anything and bit his lips to keep from showing his growing weariness. For the next few minutes he threw one stone after the other. In a short time he would have to search for more, but then Sinje seemed to have decided whether she should tell him anything personal or not. Harry thought she must have waited for someone to talk about … whatever was wearing her down for some time now.
"She's really nice – aunt Esther I mean." She went back to retrieve her doll and sat down on the ground, leaning back against the sun warmed rock. "She gave me Ginia the last time I saw her. Aunt Esther said she's magical, that she'll always be with me when I keep her close."
"You miss her?" Twirling the last stone between his fingers, Harry sat down right next to her
"Yah. Very much." She hugged her doll tightly. "I listened in when my mommy and daddy thought I was asleep." She almost whispered, her chin resting on the head of her doll. "Daddy said that it's unlikely she'll ever come back, that she's probably … dead already." Harry suppressed a grimace and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly, though he still hoped she would not start to cry again.
"You want to tell me what happened, Dove?" He felt her trembling under his hand and pulled her close in a hug. She was a sweet child; one wanted to hug her and never let go of her again. It was disturbing to see her so sad.
"I don't know what happened." She murmured dejectedly. "She hasn't been seen in a long time, that's all I know. Daddy thinks she could be …a victim of a violent crime." She frowned at this term and her lips trembled. "I just miss her."
"I hope you'll see her again, Dove." Harry tightened the embrace with a glance at the doll.
"Thanks." The little girl sniffed and Harry felt like an ass for not finding the right words to give her comfort when she obviously needed it.
"Do you know someone who's called Seamus?" She sniffed a last time, rubbed her eyes and smiled trustingly up to him, still leaning against Harry as if relishing in the closeness that gave her comfort.
"Yep. How do you know him?" Harry was glad she changed the topic.
"I don't, but Para and Oonagh are his cousins and they tell the most funny stories about him. They also said," Sinje grinned sheepishly, "that he had promised to show them the Gryffindor common room when they get sorted into another house."
"So?" Harry could not see how that mattered to him.
"Yeah, but he seems to …disappear whenever they go to him, so I thought …" She shrugged indifferently, but the way she blinked at him did tell the tale.
"Ah." Harry pressed her tightly before releasing her. "You want to use your relations to get them into our common room?"
"Would you?" She tried to suppress a grin of victory rather unconvincingly.
"It would certainly be a funny thing to watch Seamus trying to run from two first years," Harry mused aloud and shrugged. "So yes, why not? It'll teach Seamus a lesson to be nice to the girls in future." Delightedly she clapped her hands.
"I can come too?" She wanted to know right away.
"Of course. It's your relations that are getting them into our common room, isn't it?" To that a smile blossomed on her face that seemed to glow with happiness. After that their talk became happier. She told him about her first classes, about her friends and what she liked and disliked. Harry in turn told her some of what had been going on the past years. It was light talk and some time later when she had been quiet for some time, he found her curled up sleeping beside him. Harry snorted. It must be a first that the adventures of Harry Potter lulled a child into sleep. Harry liked it. It was quite refreshing.
Leaning back and letting the late summer sun warm his skin, Harry grew uncomfortably aware of the headache that was creeping up deep inside him. Harry could do nothing. He saved his own strength for the attack he knew to come when Tom had recuperated enough of his magic to strike back. To keep himself from fretting, Harry took his wand and played around with a small pebble. He enlarged it, shrunk it, and then transfigured it in a small round box similar to those in which his aunt kept Dudley's cookies. It worked well. Once he knew how to send most of his magic not through but around the wand it was fast becoming everyday business. With a smirk Harry then took a handful of other pebbles from the ground and transfigured them into five delicious looking, soft cream cakes with blueberry toping and put them into the box.
"Can you eat them?" Harry blinked at finding her awake.
"Of course, though you have always remind yourself that when you transfigure …say, a twig like this," Harry grabbed a branch as long as his arm, "into a sausage and eat it, it will turn back into a twig when the magic dissipates and you have by then your stomach full of pieces of wood." The girl grimaced, but did not turn her eyes from Harry's work.
"For what are you doing it then?" she asked, intently watching Harry doing magic she could all but dream of doing in first year.
"Oh, I know some people who are always hungry. I like to be prepared." Harry grinned. "Either way, those pebbles are so small he'll hardly notice them between all that other food." Harry put the finishing touches to the box of cream cakes. Five was all that fit into it.
"To whom are you giving it?" Sinje grinned doubtfully.
"I'm not sure yet. I thought a friend of mine."
Giggling, she pushed herself up to her feet. "My friends say that your friend eats like a pig." She giggled. "It's for him, isn't it?"
"I wouldn't give something like that to my best friend, would I?" Laughing, Harry shrunk the box and stowed it away in the depths of his robe.
After this they stayed only a little while longer, long enough though for Harry to show her how to throw a stone that it hopped across the water's surface at least a few times. It was a lot of fun and Sinje was a fast learner and a sight to see when she was happy; her doll lay all but forgotten on the rock.
Finally it was time for Harry to call an end. Dinner was fast approaching and by that time Harry wanted to be safely in the dormitory, lest he came past one infuriating git of Potions Master who pulled him down to clean cauldrons in that stupid detention he had to serve.
"Come along now," Harry said with a glance towards the darkening sky.
"But I didn't even see the squid," She announced, disappointed, throwing the last stone as far as she could.
"Maybe you hit it on the head with one of your flying rocks and it's knocked out." Harry grinned. "I'm sure it's gone to sleep early to live down its headache."
"You're having me on." Sinje reached for her doll indignantly when Harry only laughed.
"I wouldn't dream of it." The laughter was still in his voice.
"That's all right then." Sinje grinned right back and they made their way to the castle in companionable silence until she cleared her throat in the middle of the entrance hall.
"I had a lot of fun today," Sinje said shyly, as if asking herself why Harry Potter chose to stay with her when he could do something else.
"I did too." Harry calmed her nerves. "We can do it again some time."
"Yeah. I'd like that." The answer was prompt and heartfelt. "Then I'll see you at dinner?" she asked, already on her way to the Hufflepuff territory.
"Ah, no." Harry shook his head. "Probably breakfast. I'd rather stay far away from the great hall for now." Harry winked secretively, and sure enough the girl came back, her cute nose scrunched up again.
"Why? Did you do something to a teacher?"
"What do you think of me?" Harry shook his head. "No. I simply was supposed to go to a detention, but I can't stand our Potions Master, so I'm not planning to meet him anytime soon."
"Yeah." She grinned. "Is he really as bad as everyone says?" She bent towards him. "They say he's a bat and sucks blood when we don't do our potions right and forget to do our homework."
Laughing, Harry nodded. "I suppose he does in a way. Who told you that?"
"The prefect when he showed us the way to our dormitory."
"He certainly didn't lose time, did he?" Harry grinned at her. "You have your first potions lesson next week?"
"Yes. I thought it sounds interesting," the girl said doubtfully.
"Oh, it is." Harry pulled a face at her uncomprehending expression. "You'll see what I mean. Just don't let him get to you. He's a bit grumpy because the only ones who don't run from him when classes are over are the flobberworms and that's only because he has them holed up in glasses to keep him company."
Sinje stared at him, then giggled.
"Are you going to be all right?" Harry asked a moment later.
"Yeah." She smiled honestly. "I'm fine. Thanks for …" She stepped from one foot to another. "…For listening … you know."
"Any time." Harry winked at her. "You know who to ask for." With a last wave and a happy smile, she vanished down the stairs to the entrance of Hufflepuff and Harry's smile slid off his face as he exchanged one mask for another.
His stride was strong and purposeful. Harry hurried to get out of the hall before the first students came down to dinner, and before the pain in his head grew strong enough to tunnel his vision down to small specks of light while he struggled to keep his feet moving. More than once during the day he had felt Tom testing the strength of his barriers; the older the day got the stronger Tom became.
That Harry did not like Snape was not the only reason for skipping detention. Harry really did not feel up to Snape and Tom at once. As Snape would keep Harry well into the night there was just no way to get through the whole thing without Tom getting in the way. Harry felt that they would have another row in just a few hours. Then Tom was strong enough to attack with enough power to get Harry in serious trouble. Harry did not want to think about what would happen then, but whatever happened it would be downright stupid to even try to go to his detention. It was better Snape thought Harry arrogant and thick and took some points off instead of him breaking down in the dungeons right in front of Snape when the git most certainly would feel some of what went on between Tom and him.
When Harry stepped past the muttering portrait into the Gryffindor common room an hour after he had separated from Sinje, the first thing he did was to get that idiotic Gryffindor smile onto his face when he saw Hermione and Ron waiting for him. The second thing he did was ignore everything Hermione ranted at him about being off and gone again without him telling where he went. Harry barely refrained from telling her off. However, Hermione was a bright girl; it did not take long for her to realize that Harry was more interested in Ron's Exploding Snap than in what she had to say. She took a deep breath and Harry glanced at her with a slight smile.
"You all right, Hermione?" He acknowledged her presence at last.
"You missed dinner, Harry," the girl noted flatly, a disapproving frown marring her face, but she bit her lip and stopped there.
"I know." It was not the only thing Harry missed. "I'll go down to the kitchen when the hallways are not so crowded. I'm sure Dobby won't mind some company." Glancing at Ron, Harry raised his brow and pointed inconspicuously towards the door. The redhead caught on surprisingly fast.
"I'll go with you, mate." Ron gazed at Hermione. "I could take a dessert or two." He defended his decision.
"Great. We two might just happen to fit under the cloak." The only answer Hermione deigned to give them was a snort and a shake of her head. In turn both boys deigned to ignore her attitude in favor of a few rounds of Exploding Snap before they set off to the kitchen. Hermione did not even look up when they made themselves scarce and a few minutes later invisible.
"You don't really want to go to the kitchen, do you?" Ron whispered into his ear, trying to step over his feet and not stumbling over them.
"How did you guess?" Harry smirked sarcastically and pulled his unresisting friend into an empty classroom when they went through a deserted hallway.
"Funny, Harry." Ron straightened his hair – or tried to – when the cloak slid off. "Whatever are you on about?"
"Well, it's not as if I couldn't tell you in the dorm, but anyway," Harry reached into his robe and pulled a small box out of it. He enlarged it with his wand and gave it to Ron, who looked surprised and a bit suspicious.
"I didn't get it from the twins, honest. I made it myself – a substitute for the kitchen visit if you're missing it, if you will." Harry grinned slightly when Ron bit into them. Of course, Harry's magic was not weak per se, so those pebbles might remain in the form of cream cake until they were digested.
"Are they any good?"
"Yeah." Ron munched grinning. "How'd you make them? I didn't know you could cook." He put the cakes onto the next desk to watch them for a moment.
"A bit of magic here, a bit of magic there and ready they were." Harry watched as the box was emptied in a matter of minutes. "And just so you know, I can cook alright – after all, the Dursleys would have starved if I hadn't fed them." Harry grinned and shrunk the empty box. It would not do to turn it back into a pebble right in front of Ron's eyes.
"You're still hungry."
"Nah. It's all right. So what did you really need me to do, Harry?"
"Well, you know Hermione?" Harry rolled his eyes. "Of course I know that you know Hermione. I just meant the way she's on about me, you know?" Harry scratched his head.
"Yeah. She's a bit …bossy, but she's just worried, Harry."
"I know, and I really appreciate it, Ron. I just need some time for myself to think about the prophecy and Voldemort." The way Ron had looked when Harry had told them he would like nothing more than to forget the prophecy and everything it entailed.
"Yeah." Ron bit into another cream cake. "She's curious and you make her even more so." Then he shrugged. "I'm sure she'll calm down soon enough when she realizes you're not going to run away without us." His eyes went wide. "You won't run away without us, would you, Harry?"
"Never, Ron. You're my best mate." The redhead's eyes shone happily.
"Yeah. So what is it?"
"I thought you wouldn't mind to keep me company whenever Hermione thinks she's free to bother me with her questions. The only time I can think without her next to me is the library, and that's because she is busy reading right next to me. You saw her today."
For a minute or so Ron looked at him thoughtfully before he nodded determinedly and shoved the last piece of cream cake into his mouth as if to underline his decision. "I'm glad you're back … talking to us, Harry," he said finally and Harry's lips twitched.
"I know. Sorry about that. It was just too much at once," Harry said guiltily. "I feel better, though, now that I don't have to keep the prophecy a secret anymore."
"Yeah." Ron swallowed. "Do we want to go back now? I promise to keep your back Hermione-free for the next week or so, all right?"
"All right." Glad that this talk had been this easy, Harry stepped toward Ron and covered them both with the invisibility cloak before he opened the door, and they headed out onto the hallway in step and as silently as they could. They had to wait out McGonagall on her night patrol and needed to make a detour to keep away from Filth's nosy cat, but then they stepped into the common room and found all the seventh years and Seamus bending their heads together, whispering about this and that.
Without having to talk about it, the friends stepped closer to them to listen in. It was nothing important, though, so Harry pulled Ron away. He did not want to listen about the importance of butterbeer on a party and Seamus' high tolerance towards it and similar goods. Ron seemed to see it differently, because Harry had to work hard to get Ron out of the room and onto the stairs where they could at least get off this cloak.
"Why did you drag me away? They're going to meet up with the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. Don't you want to know what they're up to?"
"Not really." Harry yawned dryly. His headache was now back to being annoying. "But it's all right, Ron. You have been cooped up in the library with us all day. I understand. I'll go to bed early anyway. Just don't have too much fun. I doubt Hermione would be delighted to spell your hangover away a second time so soon after the first."
"Why don't you come with us?" Ron peered around the corner. It would not take long and they would go off to meet those from the other houses. Ron would like to have a good time too for once.
"We don't need to drink anything, you know? I still remember that hangover."
"I hope so." Harry snorted. "It's not been that long ago."
"You really don't want to go?"
"No, Ron. Have fun. Tell me how it went next morning."
"All right then. See you later, Harry." Then Ron stepped into the common room. "At least some are having fun," he said loudly and Harry was sure that every head turned to Ron.
"Feel free to join us, Ron." Seamus was inviting him and Harry could imagine the grin on his face while he stepped quietly up to the dormitory. It was dark save a small nightlight. Everyone else was fast asleep. Ron and Seamus were the only ones seeking an adventure. Even Dean had opted for an early night. Silently Harry made his way over to his bed and sat heavily down on the covers. He did want the time to stop. Unceremoniously and still fully clothed, he slumped back onto his pillows. Harry really did not know what was waiting for him in the morning. He could not fall asleep with an easy mind while Tom was recuperating faster and faster, whereas Harry grew wearier by the minute. The last time he had found rest for a few hours had been right after he had showed Tom that he still had to reckon with Harry; of course, it had been more unconsciousness than real sleep despite that he felt more rested than a long time previously.
During the day it had been easier to keep his eyes open. At first his friends had continuously nagged him, then Sinje had kept him awake when he could actually have a nap – not that he minded. Her company had been real fun. Now, though, all that was holding him away from the lands of dreams was his will and determination to be ready when Tom attacked; both were wearing thin and Harry functioned only on reserves of strength he did not know he had. Slipping off his shoes, Harry struggled out of his robes and unsteadily made his way to the bath.
With a cautious but satisfied glint in his eyes, Harry emptied pockets full of loose book pages into the shower stall only to set them aflame with a quick spell a moment later to watch the small flickering fire consuming all of it. The book had not been anything old or expensive. Madam Pince would easily get a copy of this one. Watching transfixed until even the last bit was burnt to ash, Harry silently turned on the shower to finally let the water wash the remains away.
It was with trepidation and an air of foreboding surrounding him that Harry stepped under the cold water. He did not care about his clothes, though, nor that he would be freezing in short a time; but he cared about staying awake and managing to call up enough of his slowly recovering magic when Tom was going to strike, and he would do so soon now. Harry felt it deep down, and he feared that he did not have enough strength left or gained back to win this. He was not invincible. He could make mistakes, so maybe he had calculated wrong. Harry did not know everything, but Merlin help him, he had better not have erred in this.
Breathing deeply, Harry held his head high into the drizzle of coldness that was slowly seeping into his body. He turned the water off only when he was shivering in the cold. His mind already highly alerted to the world within him that whispered of magic and power to come, Harry concentrated on gathering all of it. Dripping wet, he left a trace of giant tears in his wake. Hopefully that would not be all that remained from him in the morning. Detached from reality and as silent as a ghost, save a small squishing noise when his socks kissed the ground with every step, Harry shuffled back to his own small realm in this castle.
When he reached his bed Harry closed the curtains with his hands. He did not dare to use his wand now. He was so tightly strung that only one small moment of thoughtlessness might turn the tide and break the dam that held his powers back.
For hours Harry lay motionless on his blanket, staring at the canopy of his bed and tried to stop thinking as he kept himself occupied with the only part that was significant. Constantly Harry drew from his magic, he felt every single thread of energy moving and crackling within him, weaving itself to something greater, more powerful. It was a net to catch magic like fish in the sea. Harry did not know where he pulled this magic from. If he extracted it from himself or from his surroundings it did not matter, nor was it of any importance that every cell of his body vibrated painfully as he held the power, waiting for the right moment to let it loose. His head seemed to split open so much power was filling him, but not only his head his whole body was imbued with forcefully restrained energy. He knew that Tom was nearly ready. He was determined and would not give in again until one of them was as good as dead. Harry bit his lip. He could do nothing but wait and hope for his resolve to last past this day.
When it finally happened Harry did not get an advance warning. One moment he was waiting, the next he was already deep in battle against a very determined and silently angry wizard. Harry released his magic with as much control as he could keep upon it, guiding its tremendous energies not to strengthen the barrier around Tom but to penetrate it and hurt him, lashing out with his mind and magic. He needed to wear him down as fast as he possibly could. It was a battle of wills more than anything else, but he could not bring up more strength, he could not set more power against him than Tom could against Harry.
It was this moment that Harry realized that he would most probably lose this fight if it went on for much longer. He had no more left to throw in battle, no more strength to build up from and the burning pain was leaving his nerves open to attack. That Tom was straining his own power just as much as Harry was not really a relief. They were at a stalemate again and the one who would lose would be the one whose strength gave in first. Harry was fast feeling his strength diminish. His magic was not yet recuperated. But he could not give in willingly. He would not do it. He was not going to lose this fight or himself. Biting his lips, his hands balled to fists, Harry drew even deeper from his magic. Then something changed. It was as if a dam had broken. Suddenly there were no shields to keep him apart from his powers. Unhindered, Harry could dive into the whole depths of his magic.
Canopy and curtain and the whole world behind vanished abruptly within a blink of his eye and all he could see was a dazzling, blinding light, and though Harry pressed his eyes tightly together it would not diminish in any way because it came not from outside but from within him. All of a sudden Harry was overflowing with magic, he was surrounded by it, he breathed it; and it felt elevating as if life had come back and Harry had only been too dead to see that he had not lived until now. In the back of his head he knew that what was happening was not supposed to happen. The power he felt surging through his veins was what he had tried to get accustomed to during the summer, but there was more to it now. It was all too much, too sudden, too overwhelming and frightening. For a moment everything was in flux, then the castle pulled itself back, shut its own powers away from Harry's magic and for the first time since he had left the Dursleys Harry found himself able to use what he had learnt without leniency or thought for consequences.
Harry could not control that amount of power without being ripped to shreds and left bare, a shell of someone who had once lived, but that was not necessary. The sheer force alone, with which his magic surged through him, filled every cell and forced a smile of wonder on his face, was enough to leave Tom screaming along with Harry. However, it was Harry's magic, bound to his core and his being, so it followed his will and not Tom's. Full force Harry hit back. He just let it flow through and above him, he let it have its will and all he did was give it a nudge here and a slight prod there. When he had to take a breath only then did his screams of agony stop. Reverberating in his skull were Tom's howls of rage. Harry believed his head shattered, but that was a small price to pay to drive it home into that thick, stupid skull that he was not the master and lord anymore. Tom would have done well to remember that.
As fast and abruptly as this had started it was over, but Harry did not even notice that at some point the castle cut him off again from what should rightfully be his. Bile rose in his throat when he thought about what he had done to Tom. Although Tom had no body, a soul could be hurt just as easily if one knew how, and Harry knew. Everything he had thrown at Tom came from his former visions. The former lord himself had enforced those things with a sick smile on his snake face, though he had probably never thought to find himself at the receiving end of what his crazy mind came up with for some pitiful Muggles. Now Tom knew exactly what every last one of his victims had endured before death claimed their lives. Although Harry knew that without the rest of his powers – or more accurately most of his magic – he would not have been able to hold Tom for long.
Harry concentrated inwards. It seemed that Tom would remember this lesson much better than the one of the night before. He was practically weeping now after he had thrown a fit with raw magic. Tom had kicked out in every direction when he realized, through the waves of excruciating pain, that he would not win over Harry Potter.
When his sight came back, Harry shut his eyes at once, pressing both hands on his ears to shut out the wailing sounds of a madman. Harry did not want to listen. He felt like weeping himself. Minutes later he relented and let his hands sink onto his bed.
Ready to fall back onto his face and keep lying so until his breath was gone, Harry crept up to the head post, knelt in front of it and he stared at the wall like he would at a strange and dangerous creature of Hagrid's, and Hogwarts was dangerous. Should he? Harry moved tentatively despite he knew that he probably should not – but willing to do it nevertheless – reach to the wall with his flat hand. His fingers outstretched and trembling in anticipation, Harry could not suppress a groan. Inches away he could already feel the castle's power, its promise and its danger. Then he put his hand onto the stone before his courage left him and he felt so much more, sucked into a whirlwind of emotions that were as alien, nothing he had ever experienced before. It was not human, definitely not, but it lived and it wanted to go on living just as any being from whatever species, race or belief. But it did not search for a sense in life. It was, and it would be, and it needed him, though for what Harry could not say.
Harry frowned, not liking the sensations Hogwarts made him experience. He would lose himself if this connection continued to exist. What overwhelmed his senses was too foreign. Harry could hardly concentrate on his own thoughts, his mind constantly drifted away. Harry pulled himself together. Sparks of energy crackled between his fingers when he moved his shaking hand to his chest and sat back on his bed. He was too tired to think about what had happened. Harry blinked as if he was waking from a dream. He felt drained to the core and beyond. His whole body trembled as if he suffered from drug withdrawals.
More than once he stumbled and nearly fell on his way to the bathroom where he splashed hands full of water into his face without noticeable relief. Harry swallowed some of it to ease the pain in his throat and to get this nauseating taste off his tongue. The clothes that clung to his body were still damp, but now they were drenched with sweat instead of water. On his way back to his bed Harry took them off and let them fall where he was. Quietly he slipped under the blanket, his eyes closed already. A heavy sigh was the last sign of life before he slumped down. He easily succumbed to sleep. Harry even forgot to wonder why it was that he was still alive and whole, why he still had a mind of his own.