DISCLAIMER: RENT is Jonathan Larson's. We're just messin' with the characters.

Waking up on a cold winter's morning is probably the worst part of any given day. My muscles were stiff as I slowly stretched them out, joints a little sore, and my skin lacking the heat lost to the temperature of my surrounding environment.

It had been a long time, I realized, since I had absolutely nothing to look forward to. It wasn't like I had a job to keep me busy and distract me from how painful it was to think about Roger - the beautiful musician with callused fingers, the man I felt I was in love with, the fucking selfish liar! - and it was not like the only job I had appointed myself was going anywhere. I was surrounded with piles of unedited, unfocused, and uninspired reels of film (I'd hate to think how much money I've wasted!) and the only scenes I loved were shots of Roger...

"This is so ridiculous…"

I rolled over with a groan and forced myself to sit up. I wanted to stop thinking about him and worrying about him, but how could I? He lied about his age, who knows what else he had lied about? Maybe everything. My stomach churned at the thought and I swallowed the urge to heave. That can't be true, right? Shaking my head, I pushed myself off my bed and pulled my sweats up to cover the skin that the loose elasticity had allowed to make an appearance.

I was halfway to the kitchen when I finally noticed Collins.

"Morning," he said.

I nodded in response and shuffled my way to the refrigerator. "We need food," I announced, closing the door and leaning on it. This wasn't completely true; there were still some leftovers Roger had become accustomed to leaving every time he came over.

"Thought Rog left something?"

"Well, you thought wrong." I pushed myself away from the refrigerator and towards my room. Maybe I should just sleep all day...

Collins gave his breakfast a severely scrutinizing look. "Then I should definitely not be eating this."

I chuckled. "You know where the bathroom is, just in case." I paused at the doorway to my room with my back to Collins. "If Roger calls…" I sighed and didn't have the heart to finish.

"Did something happen between you two? I thought he was here." I followed his gaze to the boots pushed neatly against the couch.

"When you first met Roger, how did you know he was seventeen?" I was curious. "I mean, seriously? Did he tell you?" Because he didn't tell me…

"At first, I didn't. I knew he was lying and took a guess. When I asked him and he got defensive..."

"Oh. Makes sense." I stood there awkwardly. I wanted Collins to invite me over because I felt like I was going to destroy myself if left to my own devices. I wanted company. I felt like an idiot, both for being fooled and then kicking him out.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked. He watched me for a moment, then returned to his breakfast, making it obvious that he had other things than me to focus on. "Come on, Mark. Sit down. If nothing else, you'll feel better."

I managed not to sigh in relief. "Okay." I was especially careful to look like this was his idea, like all I wanted to do is crawl in a hole and forget. Oh, wait.

"'So you found out?"

"Yeah." And it was the worst moment of my life. "Can we talk about something else, Col?"

"We can, but I don't see why we would."

Slightly annoyed, I clarified for him, "Because I don't want to talk about this right now." Some genius…

He scoffed. "Mark, you don't want to talk about this at all."

"You know me so well, so just drop it." It was almost as if Collins was looking for a fight!

He recoiled theatrically. "Fine. Did I ever tell you I changed my name?"

"You did? Why?"

"Well, it was always Thomas Collins-- I don't think they realized that when they named me. When I was about ten someone found out what that means and they teased me and... well, long story short I didn't like it, so when I went to junior high which, well, not to brag but I went to a school none of those fuckers could'a hoped to spit on." He grinned. "Anyway, I used my middle name. Told everyone it was my first name. Then I got to college and thought being 'Tom Collins' was really cool and... it stuck.' He shrugged and went on eating.

It seems silly now to think anyone would make fun of Collins' name, but I haven't forgotten what the years of my early childhood were like. "What's your middle name?" It was a thought that had never occurred to me simply because Collins' name had never come up as a topic of conversation before. Most of Collins' past had never come up.

"Ben. Makes sense, right? Trade a whacked out name for a perfectly good one."

"I suppose. Though I don't think your name was whacked out to begin with."

"I love my name, but hey, I was a kid and I didn't like people making fun of me all the time." I nodded. I had definitely been there. "Mark, why do you think Roger lied to you?"

"Col, I asked you to drop this. I don't know why he lied to me. Frankly, I don't care." Which was utter bullshit. I did care, of course I cared.

"I know you asked, Mark. But frankly, I think you're being an idiot. You love Roger. This wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't. Do you really just want to throw that away?"

I sighed and rested my forehead on the table. "I've already lost him so what's the point?"

"The point is you haven't lost him. The point is understanding why anyone would do that to you. The point is being able to forgive him, because you still love him. The point is you not being such a little bitch anymore, Mark! You keep ignoring shit like this, but it doesn't go away."

I rarely fought with Collins, but then I just lost my temper. "What do you know? You weren't there when it happened! How are you going to help me anyway? By calling me a bitch and forcing me to open up to you? Fuck you, Collins! You can't possibly know how I feel! I was fooled and blinded by strong feelings of affection for some boy! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You can't possibly fix this with your theories of life and relationships! This is actual reality, not the perfect world you live in!"

Collins gave as bad as I did. I wish I could say worse, but… "Love is supposed to blind you, Mark! It's not a good enough reason that I'm sick of watching you hurt yourself? Watching you be too big a coward to risk trusting someone or making yourself happy? Because I give a damn about you, Mark, whatever you tell yourself. I give a damn about him, too. Because you were happy together! And you're only throwing that away because you're scared. And as for humiliating you... Mark, who knows but you and Roger? And which is judging you?"

"I didn't throw anything away!" I bit my lip. I wanted this to stop. He was hitting too close to home, he was making me face this. "I didn't.." I whimpered. "He did."

"No. He did something stupid and selfish. But he also did the only thing he knew to do. Mark. Who do you think Roger is in his world?"

I shrug.

"Do you still want him?"

Yes. Oh god, yes. More than I'm willing to admit. "Will my answer change anything?"

"No, since we both know the answer, but I think it would be good for you to say it out loud. Just to me. You know you can trust me, Mark. I'm your friend."

"I still want him." And I hated how I sounded just then: defeated, pathetic. "I.. I don't want to lose him. Col, I don't want to lose him. I don't."

"Do you think you can forgive him?"

Probably not until I understand his reasoning. "With time." It's probably not the answer Collins hoped to hear, but the only answer I can honestly give.

"Mark, I know why. If you think it'll help, I do think I know why Roger did that."

I shook my head. "No. I want him to be the one to tell me." If I ever saw him again…

"All right. Well, is there anything you do want to talk about?"

I shook my head once more. Talk, far as I was concerned, was over-rated.

"All right. Then I'm heading to work. Oh, but Mark-- I know a whole lot more than you gave me credit for. I don't think the world's perfect and I've seen a lot worse than a boyfriend who doesn't know any better. And I can and will kick your ass if you cross the line with me."

I sighed. Was there any part of my life not ruined by my break-up with Roger?

TO BE CONTINUED!

I'm leaving town on Sunday, so I'll try to get this story completed before then, Internet allowing (my internet is very touchy right now. Because it's a poohead.)

Reviews would be very, very appreciated! Please?