Thoughts
It was funny, really, how some saw it as ok. Not many, but some. Some though 'Oh, well he works for the order, he's on the light side, he just spies on the dark, pretends to be the dark, he's ok". No one noticed that pretending meant doing. Pretending meant killing. No one ever mentioned the fact that he was a murderer several times over; no one ever whispered the names of the faceless muggles, witches, and wizards he had killed, as long as he was 'on the light side'.
But then he killed Dumbledore, and they acknowledged his standing, his sins, his murders. But all they really cared about was his one murder. Dumbledore's murder. The murder of others; muggles, witches, and wizards, didn't matter, because no one loved them. And the ones that did love those faceless ones, and knew it was him, and knew what side he was on, either held contempt for him, or sacrificed their feelings for the greater good--or so they said. And even when they held contempt for him, they were in the minority. He was still 'light'. And then Dumbledore dies, and then they care. No one cared that maybe there were reasons; maybe there were unbearable aspects that came to light. They all just saw his murder. His sin.
These thoughts made him laugh. How every single, precious person who saw him as on the light side, Remus, Dumbledore, hesitant McGonagall, they stood up for him, thought of him as good, and yet he killed. Hundreds of single, cold, calculated murders, hundreds did he kill, all innocent people, all for the light side, all for the sake of staying 'dark', staying a spy. They saw him as good, forgave him, trusted him (trusted Dumbledore) while he continued killing.
If he had killed your sister, your mother, you hated him, that's how it went. But when he killed Dumbledore, it was as if he had killed everyone's father, everyone's best friend. And there was no one then.
Everyone ignored his murders, making excuses: 'oh, he has to, he's a spy', but when he killed Dumbledore, there was no one to make excuses, no one to ignore him, and everyone to condemn him. There was no one to make reasons for what he did, no one to even think that he was forced, no one to ignore like they had to before, and for once, this was the one time he needed that ignorance, one time he needed those excuses. One time he could have used their forgiveness. The one time he felt a deeper regret than he usually did. One time he actually wished for that flash of green light to be aimed at him.
But the one who inspired such things was gone, by his own hand, he was gone.
His thoughts ran in circles sometimes.
A/N: This came to me while writing 'Prison' and I had to write it down. I can't remember the chain of thought that prompted it, but it was a new thought, and I had to write it down before it escaped me. Sad, huh? I have a feeling Cocoa-Snape will be a bit proud of me, since there is some suggested SS/AD interaction there…not necessarily in a slash sense…so there it is, folks. Review?