Chapter 14

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be OK
It's gonna be a good, good life
That's what my therapist say —I'm a Mess (Acoustic) Bebe Rexha

Bella

"Jazz, if you really cared about a girl, would you date someone else?" I asked, as I poured two bowls of cereal for us.

"You mean, if I was dating someone, would I cheat on her?" He set the plate of toast he'd made on the table, took a seat, and poured himself some milk.

"No. If you weren't dating her. But you wanted to be with her, and someone else wanted to go out with you. Would you?"

He pushed the milk toward me. "If I felt that way about her, why wouldn't I be dating her?"

"Maybe she doesn't know how you feel about her, or maybe she's interested in someone else." I thudded the carton of milk down on the table with too much vigor. "I. Don't. Know. Jazz. Pick a reason."

He knocked his spoon against the table, deliberating. "It all depends. If I liked her, but she wasn't interested in me, I might date someone else. I don't know. Everybody I was ever interested in always liked me, too. I probably wouldn't even like her if she didn't like me." He made it sound so simple, so cut and dry. Jasper looked over his shoulder as Emmett traipsed into the kitchen, heading straight for the refrigerator. "Emmett," he called. I glared at Jasper, shaking my head, preferring to keep our conversation just between us. He didn't catch my signal. "If you were crazy about a girl, would you date some other chick you weren't that into? Bella wants—"

I kicked him under the table.

"Ouch! What'd you do that for?"

Emmett rotated toward us, taking a gulping swig of orange juice from the carton. "Gross, Emmett, don't put that back in the fridge," I said, then glanced back at Jasper, glaring the signal at him again while claiming I kicked him by accident.

He refused to take the hint. "Would you date another girl if you really wanted someone else?" he asked.

Emmett plunked down on a chair and poured himself a bowl of cereal. "It all depends."

"My sentiments exactly." Jasper smirked. "It depends on the situation."

"Yep, it does. Take me and Rosalie for instance. I want to be with her, but she's not around here anymore."

Emmett's comment surprised me. I thought he and Rosalie were doing fine. He didn't go out with anyone else after she left and didn't seem to have a problem with it. Girls always called him but the only time I ever saw him ecstatic was while talking to Rosalie. "Yes, but you haven't been dating anyone else," I said.

"I know. To tell you the truth, I don't know how much longer I can keep that up."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. It's not like you'll die if you don't go out with anyone."

He arched a brow. "I just might. I mean. I wish she was here, but she's not. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it."

"School's almost out, though. I thought she was coming back for the summer?"

His casual facial expression and breeziness disappeared. "She doesn't know if she'll get to come back here this summer. Her parents want her to go to Europe with them. I just don't think it's working anymore."

I realized how badly he felt that he and Rosalie were losing touch with each other. He wasn't usually pessimistic. As much as Emmett teased me and as much as we argued, I couldn't stand to see him depressed.

"Lately, it's gotten so hard to even carry on a decent conversation with her over the phone. It's like we have to search for things to talk about. The silences are getting longer, and the phone calls are getting shorter and further apart."

"So, who's the girl?" Jasper asked, as if he heard a different conversation coming from Emmett than me. "That hot redhead who never takes her eyes off you when we're out at the motor cross pit? She jumps better than half the guys."

An air of smugness took over Emmett's expression, and he grinned.

I gasped as I realized Emmett's interest in another girl. That was the underlying motive causing him to question his relationship with Rosalie. "You mean you're thinking of dating someone else?"

"Actually, I am. I have a feeling she's thinking the same thing. At first, I thought. Olympia's not that far away. It'll be easy for us to get together. I've seen her, what... three times all year long?"

I couldn't believe what I heard. Emmett was in love with Rosalie. We all knew it. Why would he even consider dating someone else?

"Don't give me that look, Bella. It's not like we didn't try."

I caught myself glaring at him. "I just don't understand how you could talk about ending your relationship with her as if it's nothing?"

Emmett communicated to Jasper a look that said, what's the big deal? Or maybe it said, help me out here. Jasper quirked a half smile, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head like, I don't know and nope.

Emmett swallowed the mouthful of shredded wheat he had been crunching on, pulled the cereal box back toward himself, and ignored me while he poured another bowl. Losing my appetite, I pushed my soggy bowl of cereal—which I'd neglected to take a single bite from—away from me, tossed an angry look at both of them, and stormed out of the kitchen.

Mom was coming into the house, carrying several mounds of clay and a pottery wheel. "Bella, hon, would you get the door?"

I shoved the door closed, creating a whopping loud bang. Emmett leaned back in his chair and poked his head into the living room.

"What's got you in such a mood this morning?" Mom asked as I helped her carry her craft supplies to her work area that was squeezed into the laundry room.

I knew I would probably regret explaining my mood to her, but I needed to do some venting. "I just don't understand why guys have everything so much easier than us girls."

"In what way?" She took out a mound of clay and kneaded it in the palms of her water-dampened hands.

"I'm talking about the way they handle relationships. Nothing ever seems to hurt them. They can move from one girl to the next effortlessly. Why is that?"

"Oh, I don't think it's that easy for them. They're just better at hiding their feelings than we are." She set the heap of clay down on the pottery wheel, squirted more water over it, and pressed into it with her fist.

"They don't even need feelings for someone to be with them. It's disturbing. It's... gross. I could never be with a guy I didn't have feelings for, and I wouldn't dare make-out with someone I wasn't going out with. I doubt I'd ever let a guy I wasn't head over heels in love with kiss me."

She smiled, and I could tell by her satisfied appearance, my declaration pleased her. "Are we talking about Jacob here?"

"No, Mom!" That was the reason I thought twice before talking to her about anything. She assumed my life revolved around Jacob. I skewed my eyes, insulted. "We're talking about me here."

Jacob may have crossed my mind during my conversation with Jasper and Emmett. He was also more than likely the source of my anger toward them. But the primary reason for asking was because Angela tipped me off that one of the popular guys from school—a junior who I'd heard from two different people, liked me—had intentions of asking me out. This time I wasn't sure if I would say no, but I dreaded saying yes. "Does not being excited that one of the hottest guys in school wants to ask me out make me a loser?"

"Absolutely not. Why would you even think that? Your genuine nature just keeps you from pretending things you don't feel. That's a good thing."

I gave her a faint smile, as if I found comfort in her words. Honestly, I didn't. I had to consider myself a loser for holding onto hope of having a relationship with Jacob for so long. All right! Jacob was weighing on my mind for the past few weeks. What else was new, right? It was almost time for him to come back home again. What kind of summer would I have? I couldn't help but agonize. Would it be amazing? Or devastating? Or more of the same? Uneventful nothingness!

After the rise of excitement and fall of disappointment I experienced during Christmas vacation, I realized knowing what Jacob was up to didn't roll so easily off me how it did in the past. Maybe it was because I was older. I also recognized I was becoming accustomed to being alone and unhappy, as if it was natural for me. It was a very distressing awareness.

"You know, Bella, there's nothing wrong with dating. Nor is dating as definite as you seem to think it should be. All it really is, is getting to know somebody better. It's a way to determine whether you want to have a relationship with that person."

Mom was right. I'd never know unless I tried. I didn't know how or if I'd be able to squash my feelings for Jacob. But l knew I had to try for my own peace of mind. His actions confused me, and whether or not I wanted to admit it, it hurt. I accepted the reality that he wasn't around and wherever he was... he'd be there with another girl.

Becoming "another girl" was no desire of mine.