Wow! We've already made it to instalment three! As usual, I have nothing but the kindness of the reviewers to thank for me keeping this stuff on the site!
This chapter once again offers some of my somewhat greater-than-average violent tendencies in writing, as well as my disturbing taste in poetry. Also, I had a very large internal debate on whether or not I wanted to bring in the 'NNP's (heh heh), and as usual, Heath is solely responsible for attempting to shove this fic over the K+ edge (just be thankful I didn't include his opinion on BL/GL FE fics…). To be honest though, I am actually okay with the NxJ coupling. But really though…it is the easiest couple to make fun of. So if you like that particular couple…please don't kill me…
---ooo---
Our story begins in a bright, sunny field, as the sun was at just the right angle to turn the sky into a vault of robin's egg blue, as a few white clouds swirled across the sky, like sails that sent their ships across the heaven. The wind caught the edges of the grass, sending the blades rushing upon each other, creating the image of a great, green ocean, the tides rushing in over the sparkling hills.
Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A nearby tree completely exploded, and burnt leaves, bark, and sticks were sent rocketing in every direction. Then, out of nowhere, a burnt-to-a-crisp squirrel landed on the ground with a dull 'thunk'. That's when Pricilla walked into the scene with a sadistic looking smile on her face, cackling evily at the sight of the squirrel, a stick of dynamite clutched in her hand.
Then, she saw the readers, and was then shocked into silence.
"You saw nothing…" she hissed, creeping out of the scene.
----ooo---
"Hello everyone!" said Anna, sitting on a stool in a recording room. "Today, we figured it's high time to drag a little culture into this mess! So today, I am going to read you an original poem, 'Healers, Please Stop Dying'!"
She cleared her throat, and began to read from a piece of paper she held.
Healers, please stop dying.
A simple, pure request,
We know you can't use blades and spells
We know you try your best.
You always run around us
Our sorry rears you heal
You get ten EXP a pop
How awful that must feel
If you're lucky, you get horses
But mostly on your feet
You string together all our troops
Being hacked like deli meat.
But we have to surround you
Or else some bandit comes
And butchers you to little bits
While giggling with his chums.
We aren't saying you're an eyesore
But it's quite a pain you see
While you run 'round smakin' things with wands
We have to watch you constantly.
Cause bandits could just pick fights
With the best troops on the maps
But between nothing and blades or spells
They always choose the saps.
So we offer you a simple plead
It may not be enough,
But healers, please stop dying
Or at least learn how to kill stuff.
"Thank you, thank you," said Anna, as there was some polite clapping from the audience. You've been a wonderful audience, really you have…thank you…"
BAM!
"YOU WANT US TO KILL STUFF?" asked Serra, walking into the room wearing a leather jacket over her clerical outfit, black sunglasses, and a rail gun. "YOU GOT IT SISTER!"
"Holy Shrimp!" screamed Anna, as Natasha and Moulder followed her into the room. "IT'S CLERICS GONE WILD!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Serra, blasting Anna with a plasma cannon, turning her into a smoldering crater on the floor. "That'll teach you to make fun of healers ya darn reappearing character!"
"Actually, I'm not dead," said Anna.
Serra shot the crater again with a fresh wave of plasma from the cannon.
"Not dead," said Anna.
"METAL BAT ATTACK!" yelled Natasha, whipping out a metal bat and beating the crater wildly with it, a homicidal laugh echoing throughout the studio as she did so.
"Still not dead," said Anna.
"DOUBLE METAL BAT ATTACK!" screamed Natasha and Moulder, whipping out a pair of metal bats and beating the crater with the fiery passion of beta fighter fishes on cold meds.
"You realize that this is a K+ fic, making it impossible for you to ever kill me, even if you wanted too…" said Anna.
"THEN WE SHALL DISTURB AND ANNOY ELSEWHERE!" yelled Serra.
And so, the healers, angry at their inability to kill things until they change classes, are forced to resist their fate in the only way they possibly can…by destroying things. So the spree of the rogue healers erupted into a disastrous amount of street violence, and it soon overwhelmed the police, and had the entire FE community immersed in a state of fear…TREMENDOUS, PARALIZING FEAR!
"Hey Dorcas," said Erk to Dorcas, getting in line behind him at a small coffee stand.
"Erk," said Dorcas.
Silence.
"Nice day," said Dorcas.
"Yeah…gonna be humid later though, I heard," said Erk.
"Uh huh…" said Dorcas.
Silence, partnered with a coffee sip on Dorcas's part.
"So uh…heard about the clerics?" said Erk.
"Uh huh," said Dorcas.
Silence.
"Kind of scary, huh?" said Dorcas.
"Guess so," said Erk.
FEAR!
This fear escalates, for the clerics crimes against society slowly began to escalate in distrurbingness (assuming disturbingness is a word…). It started off easy to handle…not returning shopping carts to the proper location…listening to really loud music in the car and rolling the windows all the way down…harassing milkmen…the usual. However, their crime streak, overtime, became more sinister…
"FEAR OUR OBSENE GRAFFITI!" screamed Moulder, as he and his cadre wrote 'Moose Poopy', 'Wee-wee', and other such phrases all over the blue-clothed hood of Merlinus's peddler's stand with various colored school chalk.
"OH! You classless, can't-kill-nothing-worth-smack healers!" yelled Merlinus angrily, as all of the cleric's barely looked up from your worth. "Get your filthy white-magical bottoms off of my cart!"
"Quiet fatso!" yelled Natasha. "Get your fat doesn't-do-anything-but-get-killed bottom out from under our white-magical bottoms!"
"It's only chalk anyway!" yelled Merlinus. "It's not like the stuff doesn't wash off!"
Silence suddenly reigned around the tent, as the clerics suddenly stopped right in mid-juvenile-chalk-phrase.
"Oh…buttercups…" said Serra.
"FEAR NOT!" said Moulder, reaching into his clerical robes, whipping out a box of crayons. "For I have the unholy power of…CRAYOLA!"
"That washes off too, stupid," said Merlinus.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Moulder. "FINE! You know what? FINE! I see we're going to have to pull out the SOAP-"
"It…washes…off…" said Merlinus darkly.
"THEN TO THE FIREY ABYSS WITH YOU!" yelled Moulder. "I see! You know what you're asking for? WASHABLE MARKERS! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"Whatever," said Merlinus vaguely, as all the clerics shouted out great 'hurrahs' and 'heck yeahs'. "Vandalize to your hearts content, you dim-witted, divine-power obsessed butt-heads."
Anyway, the clerics continued to reign supreme throughout the town, committing acts of extreme evil that, at the moment, the authoress doesn't want to write. However, for reasons we can't quite understand, as a result of this homicidal spree…public access soared…
---ooo---
"I WUV YOU HYPERION!" said Heath in a very gushy voice, giving a very happy looking wyvern a tummy rub in just the right spot, because Hyperion's leg was vibrating violently, like a dog. "Ooooh, you just wuv having your tum-tum wubbed, don't you? Yes you do! Yes you d-"
He turned to suddenly realize that he was in front of his audience, and they were all looking at him as if he had just said that he planed to slaughter everyone in the studio like pigs.
"IS IT SO BEEPING WRONG FOR A MAN TO LOVE HIS WYVERN?" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CLOSE YOUR MOUTHS, OR I'LL STUFF MY FIST INTO EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!"
"I don't think there's anything wrong with it Heath!"
"SHUT UP LUCIUS!" yelled Heath into the audience, Lucius specifically. "IF YOUR NOT GOING TO OBEY THE RESTRAINING ORDER, AT LEAST BE A LITTLE LESS OPEN ABOUT IT!"
(Insert Happy Music Here)
"Hello, welcome to another sexy, sorry, informative episode of 'Lets Improve Our Fandom'!" said Heath, sitting in his usual comfy chair, as Hyperion was growling threateningly behind him. "Today, we're going to continue to heal the abuse that we throw on our fellow characters…the ones I like anyway…"
"That's mean Heath!"
"WHAT DID I SAY LUCIUS?" yelled Heath. "Anyway, today we're going to look at the couple in the story where the most things go wrong (i.e. the easiest thing to make fun off), and it is…NINOXJAFFAR!"
Applause.
"As usual, the most popular couples SUFFER THE MOST!" yelled Heath. "And it's probably because a bunch of idiots just go around and WRITE STUPID NINOXJAFFAR STORIES BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO! So today we're going to abuse, IMPROVE, this particular couple."
More cheers.
"FIRST THING!" yelled Heath. "It is possible that this is an under aged romance. Let's not beat around the bush. Nino is a fourteen year old girl who looks twelve, okay? Seriously, we're you truly, madly in love with the guy you were going to MARRY at fourteen? I wasn't! Come to think of it…what was I doing when I was fourteen?"
---ooo---
"MOM! I'M GOING TO LOOK AT BADLY DRAWN FAN PICTURES OF SCANTILLY CLAD WOMEN MAKING OUT!" yelled Heath to another part of the small cottage that he lived in.
"Don't slack your jaw from drooling again!" yelled his mom.
---ooo---
"Oh yeaaaaaaah…those were good times…" said Heath, somehow managing to stop himself from drooling. "Uh…anyway, to quote the Shonen-ai fangirls, IF YOU DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ! Don't 'oh god, how is old is Jaffar anyway' and 'their cute, but doesn't this seem wrong' FER GAWD'S SAKE! Okay, NEXT!"
---ooo---
"But seriously, how old is he?" asked a random fanfiction reader in front of her computer.
"HYPERION! KILL!" yelled Heath, as Hyperion magically jumped through the computer screen and bit the girl's face off.
A/N: To all fanfiction readers who want to kick Heath's sorry behind as much as the authoress does, fear not…his will come…
---ooo---
"Okay, next!" yelled Heath. "THINK UP YOUR OWN BLOODY ANGSTY DIALOG, OKAY? STOP RIPPING OFF THE ORIGNAL STUFF OVER AND OVER! It was cute the first time around, yes some really sweet scenes occur, yes it's some of FE's best moments, and yes, I don't CARE if you use such scenes as REFERENCE, but when you copy these scene's dialog WORD-BY-GOD-SMEGGIN'-WORD, then it get's ANNOYING! OH-MY-SAINT-ELIMINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE ON HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? IT MAKE'S ME SO ANNOYED THAT…THAT…"
For no reason in particular, he pulled out a huge lance from the seat cushion.
"-IF I HAVE TO READ 'MY LAST MISSION TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED' AND 'LOVELY WEATHER! THE PERFECT DAY FOR TAKING OUT EVIL DOERS! TOO BAD THAT BLAH, BLAH, BLAH' ONE MORE TIME," yelled Heath, that eye twitch everyone thought he got rid off coming back full-force. "I SWEAR…I'M JUST GONNA…"
He then chucked the huge lance (which conveniently turned out to be a javelin) into the audience.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY ARM!"
"SERVES YOU RIGHT LUCIUS!" yelled Heath. "Well…YOU GET THE POINT! Oh my god…my vocal chords are going to give out from yelling…"
A/N: Seriously, it's coming…
He then twisted his body in some berserk yoga position for about four seconds, then managing to untwist himself, a slightly more content smile on his face.
"Mm…better…" he said with a half smile. "Anyway, last thing-MY GOD THIS BIT IS LONG-anyway…whew…"
He then reached in the couch-cushion again and pulled out a laptop, which he then began to type in like a madperson.
"Okay, I'm going to bring up a few NinoXJaffar fanfics on the search engine," said Heath. "Okay…post game tragedy fic, post game tragedy fic, post game tragedy fic, during game extended dialog angsty fic, during game extended dialog angsty fic, post game tragedy fic, during game extended dialog angsty fic, Nino abduction fic, during-game extended angst fic, high school fic, post game tragedy fic, post game tragedy fic, love confession fic…etc…"
He then shut the laptop.
"Okay boys and girls!" said Heath. "Seeing that page of the search engine, what do you think we should do? For those of you reading this at home, the answer is displayed in bold text on your screen. However, since we can't figure out a way to get upside down, we'd greatly appreciate it if you could use your imagination and imagine upside down, okay?"
THINK UP MORE ORIGINAL STORYLINES
A/N…getting closer…
"Bake an apple pie!" said someone in the audience.
"…no…" said Heath in a flat sort of frustration.
"Bake a cherry pie!" someone on the other side of the seats said.
"…I'll give you a hint," said Heath. "It does not involve baking."
"Eating a cherry pie!" said someone else.
"Or eating said baking products," said Heath.
THINK UP MORE ORIGINAL STORYLINES
"Pat your head and rub your belly at the same time!" said someone else.
"Play the flute!" some else said.
"Dress up as a Cornish Pixie!"
"Join the Army!"
"Dance on a table in a bar!"
"Wear a pretty dress!"
THINK UP MORE ORIGINAL STORYLINES
"Collect and obsessively watch British sitcoms!"
"Draw somewhat obscene phrases on tents with colored chalk!"
"Wear a really pretty dress!"
"I think I'm bleeding…"
A/N It's so close, it's not funny…
"Wear kilts and sing sea shanties!"
"Drink milk that's passed the expiration date!"
"Okay, okay, calm down," said Heath, in a frighteningly relaxed tone. "Now then…you get one last chance. If you get it right, I'll be very, very happy. Get it wrong, and I'll sick Hyperion on all of you. So if you want to be the lucky one, make sure you know the answer."
Someone raised their hand.
"Okay," said Heath. "Are you sure you know the answer?"
The poor soul nodded enthusiastically.
"Positive?" asked Heath.
Nod nod nod.
"Okay, I'm going to ask you the question again, just in case," said Heath. "After seeing a line of fics that consist either of love confession fics, during game extended dialog angsty fics, post game tragedy fics Nino abduction fics, and high school fics, what should our fandom do?"
Brief, tense silence.
"Write even more of them!" the poor soul said.
----ooo---
"Well, that's all the time we have today for 'Let's Improve Our Fandom!'," said Heath, smiling through the carnage that was splattering all over the floor, as well as the screams of the audience members as Hyperion was swooping over them, occasionally taking huge chunks of the rest of the description of this scene has been deleted for the sake of the more sensitive viewing population. "I hope you all learned a lot! Oh, by the way, word on the yard says that there have been a bunch of illegal 'Naughty Nino Plushies' circulating around, and I was wondering if anyone could point me in the general direction of a seller-"
"ATTOMIC WEDGIE!" screamed Moulder, running onto the stage, grabbing Heath firmly by the underwear and-
A/N: There it is!
---ooo---
EXCERPTS FROM THE BATTLEFIELD
"Says here that the clerics have just jumped up in their crime spree from vandalism to atomic wedgies and bad karaoke," said Lyn, reading through 'The Lycian Times' outside a random building.
---ooo---
"OOOOO-OH, WE'RE HALF-WAY THE-ERE," shrieked Serra into the microphone, as everyone at the karaoke club was covering their ears and screaming in pain. "OOOOOOO-OH, LIV-IN' ON A PRA-YER-"
---ooo---
"We seriously have to stop changing the scene whenever you feel like it," said Lyn to the narrator.
"LYN! STOP TALKING TO THE THIRD-PERSON OMNISISCIENT!" yelled Shri the tactician, walking up to her. "We've got good news. I was hanging out at that bar over there, doing what I usually do, downing a few drinks, palling around with the beer gang-"
"They were having their annual Tupperware Party, weren't they?" asked Lyn.
"…yes, shut up," said Shri. "Anyway, I was mulling over the whole 'build a hovercraft which will transport all of us over the really dark, scary sea that isn't nice or pretty or fun to take pictures of' plan to get to the Dread Isle, and then I realized three things."
"Which are?" asked Lyn.
"One, we lack the resources needed to build a magic hovercraft, considering jet engines are somewhat scarce in this area, and flying weasels don't exist," said Shri. "Two, to get such technology, it would take several years, and if we don't get to the Dread Isle in the next five days, I'll miss the new 'Desperate Housewives'. Three…supporting this plan kind of makes me look like a loony, don't you think?"
"…it's funny that all of those things are the exact things every single person in the army's been saying for the past few days," said Lyn.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Shri. "Anyway, I found the solution to our problems!"
"Does it involve any of us become part time striptease artists?" asked Lyn.
Silence.
"Well, I've got a plan B," said Shri.
"You know, it's almost upsetting that I was joking," said Lyn. "Okay, what's plan B?"
"We play a game of tag with the pirates, and if we make one wrong move, they'll swoop down on our pathetic little bodies and hack us all into little bits, dip them in cheese, and eat them in the traditional pirate manor!" said Shri.
Silence.
"It's almost a shame that you're a neutral party, so I'm not allowed to kill you," said Lyn.
"That being said, you are no more than little toys for my amusement!" said Shri, waving in pretty much all the other members of the party. "Now everyone, before we begin to play chicken with your sorry lives, we need to go over a few quick rules. ONE! No making out!"
Wil and Rath looked very sad.
"Oh come on, you can do whatever you want afterwards…provided you aren't dead…except you Rath, get out of here, you don't come 'til later!" said Shri, as Rath walked sadly away. "AND YOU! You're not in this game, so beat it!"
Pikachu looked at her sadly, and then walked off.
"TWO! For god's sake Sain, take a picture! It'll last longer!" yelled Shri, as Sain promptly stopped staring at Florina, as Kent kicked him in the shins.
"Three!" said Shri. "Get to as many houses as you can, and take as much stuff as you can!"
Mathew snickered.
"Three and a half!" said Shri. "Mathew, you are not allowed anywhere near the houses!"
Mathew frowned.
"Four!" said Shri. "DON'T MAKE THE PIRATES MAD! That includes getting too close, laughing at their terrible haircuts, and of course, ripping off your clothes, painting yourself purple, wearing a dead bird on you head-you people better be writing this down!-while screaming 'look at me, I'm wearing no clothes, you stink, and you should knock my block off!"
Everyone nodded.
"Five, if you meet some high-level character, drag him/her back here!" said Shri. "If it's a low-level loony, KILL IT WHERE IT STANDS! Though if he/she/it has any cool items or is hot, kindly drag him/her back here so we can strip him/her of his/her belongings, and cast him to a state of nothingness on the unit board."
Everyone nodded again.
"SIX!" said Shri. "If you don't get me anything from any of the villages…THEN I'LL MAKE YOU STAY IN THE MAIN GROUP UNTIL THE END!"
Everyone gasped in fright, and then quickly nodded.
"And seven, the most important of all," said Shri, holding up a large, fresh-baked, chocolate chip cookie, "this is my cookie, no if and or buts, and none of you are allowed to touch the cookie, look at the cookie, or even smell the cookie. RIGHT! Have fun fighting for your lives! AND WATCH OUT FOR THE HEALERS!"
---ooo---
"Ah! You must have come a very long way to get here," said a bald guy with a huge, bushy brown mustache in one of the houses that Hector walked into. "Here, are you interested in this-"
"You look very familiar…" said Hector.
"No I don't," said the man quickly. "Anyway-"
"Oh, I know!" said Hector. "You're that same guy who tipped Shri off that she should go to the Tupperware party and talk the pirates into getting us a ride across the sea."
"…yeah!" said the guy. "Yeah! I am! That very same guy! Good to see you Eliwood!"
"Hector," said Hector.
"THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!" said the man. "Eliwood is a…um, term of endearment!"
"No it's not," said Hector. "I looked it up in the baby book, and it translated to 'Dim-witted redhead that runs around with wussy-girl sword getting killed all the time' in old Gaelic!"
"Don't be ridiculous it's a term of endearment…" hissed the man angrily through his teeth that showed through a very forced smile.
"Hey…now that I think about it, aren't you the exact same guy I saw at the last house?" asked Hector.
"…no?" said the man.
"Yes you are!" said Hector.
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!" said the man. "WE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF SOULESS CLONES WHO ARE MERE PUPPETS WITH NO SOULS OF OUR OWN, TRYING TO LURE YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY SO WE CAN BACK YOU INTO A CORNER AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOULS AND SELL THEM ON E-BAY! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL! OF COURSE NOT! OF COOOOOURSE NOOOOOOOT…"
"Uh…" said Hector.
"JUST TAKE THE LANCEREAVER!" yelled the old man, shoving the lancereaver in Hector's direction. "JUST TAKE IT AND GO! DON'T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS! THEY'LL HEAR YOU! THEY'RE WAAAAATCHIIIIIIIING UUUUUUS…BWA HA HA HA! BWA HA HA HA-"
---ooo---
"Hey Hector, why is that house on fire?" asked Eliwood, pointing to the house that Hector was just in.
"Oh…no reason," said Hector. "You know how some houses just sorta…go up in flames like magic?"
"AWESOME!" said Eliwood. "Serra and Erk got into a fight again?"
"…yes," said Hector.
"Cool!" said Eliwood, as the house collapsed into a huge pile of charred wood and soot. "Wish I was here to see it!"
"No…no you don't…" said Hector.
---ooo---
"Stupid tactician who makes Rath go away…hate her stupid guts…" said Wil to himself, as he wandered aimlessly into a village. "Okay…gotta find stuff…oooooh a rock! This'll be nice! And-OH! A stick! Okay, I can tie this rock to this stick, say that it's a really powerful magical item, shove in Shri's face-"
"Hello!" said Canas. "I was recently visiting the Annual Pirate Bladder-Bashing Rum-Fest and Tupperware Party, and I heard that a dim-witted tactician agreed to play 'Chase-the Pirate' with some of the most violent and bloodthirsty pirates in this particular power grid!"
"Look, if I want to listen to jabbering of a nerdy git when what I really need to do is get something done, I'll go back and finish middle school!" said Wil angrily. "Okay, now what to tie them together with. OF COURSE! This strange, burnt-up squirrel!"
"You see, I have recently become very fascinated with the behavior of tactically-challenged people who still want to play the game," said Canas. "I hope that one day, with tireless research and endurance, the horrible, cancer-like plight of tacticians who will throw under-leveled troops into battle just for the sheer thrill of watching them die will come to an end!"
"That's great Madame Currie," said Wil. "Okay, are you high-level?"
"Fairly," Canas said.
"Got any cool items?" asked Will.
"Yes!" said Canas. "I have a Secret Book right here!"
"Are you hot?"
"…er…"
"Whatever," said Wil. "Anything else?"
"I serve no purpose to the general storyline, and all of my conversation's are one sided and borderline sickeningly naive!" said Canas.
Wil then just glared at him, his eye twitching involuntarily.
"No one…is more pointless and naïve…then me…" he said, notching an arrow into his quiver.
---ooo---
"Must…resist urge…to beat up…little old lady…and steal her prunes…" said Mathew, his hand twitching as he watched a little old lady walk across the road with a shopping bag.
"Hey Mathew…" Wil said dully, walking back up to the thief from the village that he had just been in.
"Oi, Wil!" said Mathew. "Great timing! I needed someone to talk to so that I could keep my mind of robbing random people bli-nice shoes you got there-"
"DON'T YOU THINK IT!" yelled Wil.
"So did you get anything good?" asked Mathew.
"Uh…I found this monocle…" said Wil absentmindedly, pulling out a glass monocle from his pocket in the hopes that it would be enough to appease to Shri's sick whimsies.
"Why's it covered in blood?" asked Mathew curiously, indicating the huge streaks of red that were presumable globules once that were hastily wiped off at the last minute.
"Um…it was like that when I found it," said Wil, hastily stuffing it back into his pocket.
"It wasn't, was it?" asked Mathew.
"…no…" Wil replied.
"I WANNA GO IN THE HOUSES!" Mathew half screamed, half sobbed in frustration.
"Good morning," said Lucius absentmindedly, heading toward another one of the villages.
"OH MY GOD! IT'S ONE OF THOSE CLERICS!" yelled Wil in horror.
"Cool, let's kill it!" said Mathew.
"What?" Lucius asked vaugly, turning around just in time for two rabid youths to whip out various instruments used in the art of death and pounce on him.
---ooo---
"Oh no…my 'Lucius is getting mauled' sense is tingling…" said Raven, his eye twitching slightly. After the brief twitched had passed, almost instantly, his face turned from basic homicidal mania to heroic duty (with a slight undertone of homicidal mania) as he ripped off his shirt (A/N: DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, FANGIRLS!), revealing a shirt with a Superman-like logo on it, except that it had a huge 'RM' in it.
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR…RAVENMAN!" said Raven, bounding off heroically, cackling like a maniac, ripping out a huge blade that he used to chop random things in half that happened to get in his way.
Meanwhile, behind him, Barte (voted 'Most Likely to Get His Head Stuck in a Chamber Pot' in High School…which he dropped out of) walked up to another village that had the potential to have lots of way-cool items. He walked up the steps that lead up to one of the houses, stopping in front of the door. He then paused for a moment, trying to remember exactly how doorknobs worked…
"Psst…hey buddy…" said a soft, almost hissed voice, as Barte looked all around him, up, down, to the sides, but he couldn't find the someone that was talking to him. "You look like a guy who…eh…could use something nice."
"Who said that?" said Barte. "ARE THE DOORS TALKING TO ME AGAIN? MUST SLAY DOOR!"
"Nonononono…" said the voice. "Just…open the door…for a surprise…"
"Oooooooooh no!" said Barte. "The last time I did THAT, I woke up with my face in a mud puddle not wearin' nuthin!"
"…I'll give you candy…" said the voice.
"SWEET!" yelled Barte, ripping the door of it's hinges with one yank, sending a massive tidal wave of light sloshing into the room that was devoid of both windows or any other source of light.
"I said open the door, not rip it off its hinges, moron," said Myrrh angrily, sitting in front of a huge wall of Naughty Nino Plushies. "Anyway…wanna Plushie?"
Barte just stared at the plushies with a look on his face that looked like a cross between confused, sick, and…somewhat impressed.
"Are you going to stare at the things, or are you going to buy one, you brute?" asked Myrrh flatly.
"Whoooooooah…that's like wroooooooooong…" said Barte.
"You're the Val Victorian of your class, aren't you smart boy?" said Myrrh.
"FREEZE PUNK!" screamed Rebecca, suddenly jumping into the now-wide-open doorway, an arrow notched in her quiver, pointing straight into the face of Myrrh, who instinctively threw her hands in the air. "You are under arrest for the manufacturing and selling of Naughty Nino plushies!"
"Well, well, well," said Nino, with a very 'I-got-you' sounding voice, wearing a pair of black sunglasses that were identical to Rebecca's. "Looks like we finally caught the center of the NNP ring. Who would have thought it would be the sweet little mamkute named Myrrh? Why the same person that found out that she's also known as…KIKI THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC! And…LADY BLAGART, HEAD OF THE INFAMOUS GANG OF MAD SWORDMASTERS WHO ARE ALL NAMED 'BARTHOLOMEW'! And…TANYA, THE WOMAN WHO WAS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE CREATION OF SOAP-ON-A-ROPE! And…BINKY THE SQUIRREL GIRL AND HER ALL-LOBSTER BAND!"
"HOW?" asked Myrrh in horror. "How…how did you find me? I set you off on a false trail! You're supposed to be hunting down the supplier of NNPs at a local ElimineMart in Ostia!"
"Well, there were just two little problems with your plan," said Nino with a wickedly triumphant smile. "One, you didn't prepare for the off chance that your scapegoat wouldn't snitch…"
---ooo---
"Okay…I'll tell you whatever you want if you give me one of those cookies," said Eliwood, pointing to the package of Oreos that Rebecca had in her hands outside of an ElimineMart.
---ooo---
"-and two, you didn't think that we could place a pawn to tempt you to exposing yourself," said Nino, giving Barte a pat on the shoulder. "It worked quite well, didn't it?"
"You used the idiot as a pawn?" hissed Myrrh. "You sick animals!"
"Actually, I'm not Barte!" said Barte. "I am in fact-"
With that, there was a little 'poof!', and with an explosion of pink smoke, he revealed himself to be.
"-NINO!" said the former-Barte.
"Uh…but she's Nino," said Rebecca, pointing to the Nino with sunglasses.
"CORRECT!" said the other Nino. "That's because I'm actually-"
POOF!
"-VAIDA!" said Vaida.
"Wow…your better than I thought," said Nino.
"Indeed!" said Vaida. "Because in fact, I am not Vaida, I'm-"
POOF!
"Marcus!" said Marcus.
"Uh…great…" said Nino. "Alright Myrrh, you have the right to remain-"
"But the truth is, I'm not Marcus either!" said Marcus. "I'm really-"
POOF!
"Epharium!" said Epharium. "But I'm not Epharium either! I'm-"
POOF!
"AXEL FROM KINGDOM HEARTS!" said Axel. "And I'm not-"
"STOP THAT ALREADY!" yelled Rebecca and Nino simultaneously.
"Uh..." Myrrh said.
"YOU TOO!" yelled Nino. "Well, normally, law regulates that we take you to a court and give you a fair trial and blah, blah, blah, but you know what? We've just decided to get someone from homicidal maniac division to finish you off!"
"Huh?" asked Myrrh, but her question was answered as Karel was dragged in a straight jacket with a human muzzle strapped across his face, as he was fighting his hardest against his restraints to pretty much tackle everyone and rip their jugulars out of their throats with his teeth.
---ooo---
"Well, I say that this battle's going pretty well so far!" said Shri to Lyn, as Myrrh's screams could be vaugly heard in the distance, fluttering over the rooftops of other houses.
"Well, no one's gotten killed I guess…" said Lyn vaguely, scanning through the rest of 'The Lycian Times'.
"And Guy managed to find this wicked-cool monocle!" said Shri estacically, sticking it on her face over her right eye. "I now radiate with supreme coolage!"
"No you don't," Lyn said.
"SHUT YO MOUTH!" said Shri. "Every dude and dudette knows that only boiz and chicks from da hood are cool nuf ta wear monocles, mah sister!"
"…please tell me your trying not to talk street," said Lyn, flipping one of the pages.
"FOSHIZZLE TO THE HIZZLE MAH DIZZLE!" said Shri.
Oh Elimine, if you can hear me, somehow use your power to get this under-endowed in the intellect sense tactician out of my life…Lyn thought in silent prayer as she read about how a man was now in custody for sending his rabid wyvern out on the entire audience of his public access show with the intention of ripping their faces out.
"'Scuse me," said a random thief person bumping into her, then quickly walking by.
"HEY! WATCH THE THREADS, DAWG!" yelled Shri, shaking an angry fist at the man. "Jerk trippin' on mah street cred…ah whatevah. Now then homies, it's time two…WHAT THE? THAT JERK STOLE MY COOKIE!"
"Ah…that was fun…" said Raven with a sinisterly-pleased smile on his face, his face covered in blood, with a very pleased-looking smile on his face.
"GIMMIE!" yelled Shri, ripping the blade out of his hands, and then, screaming like a homicidal maniac, charged in the direction of the thief who had stolen her beloved cookie-
-which also turned out to be the same direction as a group of really high-level pirates.
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Eliwood, as Shri was then attacked by a bunch of mad pirates. "They're totally slaughtering her! And since their technically enemy forces, they're allowed to, so Shri's totally dead!"
"What…say that last bit again…" said Lyn, her eyes wide, and trailing above the newspaper.
"Shri's totally dead!" said Eliwood.
"…again…please…" said Lyn.
"Shi's totally dead!"
"…again."
"Shri's totally dead!"
"Again."
"Shri's totally dead!"
"Again."
"Shri's totally dead!"
Silence.
"AT LAST!" screamed Lyn with joy, throwing down the newspaper, and leaping into the air, almost looking like she was floating. "THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME! NO LONGER AM I BOUND TO THE SERVICE OF AN IDIOT! I'M FREE! FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! FREE AT-"
----ooo---
Then she woke up in her tent.
"NO! NOOOOOOOOO!" she sobbed into her hands. "WHYYYYYYYY?"
---ooo---
"Lyn's crying again," said Eliwood, sitting up in bed, wearing a silly looking pair of 'Thomas the Tank Engine' pajamas, a pink nightcap with a great big puff hanging off the end, and hugging a huge teddy bear.
"I think the battlefield has finally gotten to her," said Hector, his tent mate, wearing a pair of pink footie pajamas that came with a hood which had a pair of huge, pink bunny ears attached to them.
---ooo---
"-and so Lyn cried herself to sleep again, and then beat the tactician up in the morning, as well as Hector, the milkman, and several bystanders," said Eirika, closing up the huge storybook that had 'HEADBUTT' written on it in the comfy chair. "Well, that's all the time we have today, so good night, take care of yourself, and remember-"
"ROCK OUT YOUR SOCKS OUT HOMIES!" screamed Shri with her monocle.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And so another one bites the dust…" said Moulder, with a homicidally pleased smile on his face, watching the studio burn.
"Yeah, I never thought we'd find enough dynamite to blow the entire thing up…" said Natasha, watching the towering inferno blaze in the cool night air.
"Come to think of it, where did you get that kind of firepower?" asked Serra.
---ooo---
"Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight…" said Pricilla, counting a huge wad of bills in her hand, as she walked down the street, passing a telephone pole that had a missing poster for Canas on it.