Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine! It is an upsetting ordeal.
Note: Someone please tell me who the Potions professor was in the late seventies…I just took hold of Slughorn and ran with him. / implies italics when in dialog, but implies a thought otherwise.
---
Over the next few weeks, Sirius has to take mid-year exams for every class. It's disgusting. Some of his professors take the exams much too seriously, at least in his opinion, and a few of them have yet to acknowledge that their students even have to take them. His much-too-serious Potions teacher, Professor Slughorn, issued everyone a pre-exam yesterday to "prepare them for an exam that may be a crucial factor in the outcome of all of their educational lives," just like every other test of his they have ever taken.
Sirius knows he aced it, though. He sits at his desk in the Potions dungeon and smiles as he thinks about the idiots who are going to have to get tutors because of this stupid thing. Peter, probably, and James, because he's always paying all of his attention to Lily Evans. The boy just has no self-control, honestly. And Remus, well, they should probably think about saving him a trolley on the Hogwarts Express, and one of those darling unifroms with the little hat and apron. Sirius can't wait for the next trip to Hogsmeade if Remus is the trolley lady. Every time he walks by their compartment, he can shove a hand up Remus' skirt or persuade Remus to let him take a ride on the cart. He has his ways.
"Sirius Black," Professor Slughorn says much too loudly, his mustache blowing slightly away from his face with the great, booming, unnecessary force of his voice. Sirius looks up from his paper on which he has been doodling pictures of Remus in a frilly apron. Slughorn's large, fat, walrusy face looks down at his, and he slaps the graded pre-exam on Sirius' desk. Sirius flips it over without hesitation as the professor walks down the aisle. A big, scratchy "42" is written on the top in red pen, as well as four deadly, cursive words: "see me after class."
---
Sirius stays (reluctantly) in the room after class is dismissed. He hugs a distressed Remus, who got a 78 (/and a parcel labeled 'Madame Malkin's Uniforms'/), and watches him leave for lunch. Slughorn is rummaging through a drawer under his large desk, and Sirius perches on the corner of it, waiting. The professor sits back in his large chair and gives Sirius a death glare. Sirius ignores this and turns slightly more towards the man.
"Mister Black," he says sternly, "I hope you are aware that you need to pass the exam next Friday to get credit for this class."
"Mhm." Sirius plays with a strange little object in the desk.
"Put that down, it's very valuable!"
Sirius raises his eyebrows and puts it down.
"Let's get to the point, Black. You need a tutor. Immediately."
Sirius straightens and opens his mouth to retaliate.
"No. No excuses. I want you to come back here at seven o'clock tonight, and every night until next Friday. I have someone who I am sure could help you."
"Who?" He asks with genuine, girlish wonder.
"Here. Tonight. Or I /will/ fail you."
Slughorn's jowls shook eerily with the last words.
"But-!"
"But no. Get out of here."
---
Sirius goes to lunch, cursing Slughorn under his breath as he slams the door behind him. He goes to sit with Remus, James, and Peter so he can tell them all about his test, his tutoring, and a great big lie about how he "hopes it's not who he thinks it is."
---
It is 6:52 and Sirius is in the common room, pacing. James sits by the fire, very entertained by his friend's situation.
"So alright, we have it narrowed down to about three people. Lily Evans," James begins, swooning, "Antonia McKinnon, or Snivellus. I know Slughorn doesn't love him, but he's bound to go for the 'make Sirius Black homicidal' route. You kill Snape, then get killed for killing him. It would be, you know, two birds with one stone."
"Right-O," Remus remarks from the pink chair near the bookshelf. He sits with some large tome in his lap and is frustrated by the fact that he has read the same sentence twelve times due to James' commentary. "Because you know how Slughorn likes it when tutoring sessions end in blood. If he's got a brain in his head, he'll go for Lily."
James gives Remus a very concerned look.
"But Moony," he whispers, "what if it /is/ Lily, and Sirius betrays me, and they have tutor sex with each other?"
"Tutor sex?" Remus laughs.
"Yes, tutor sex. Sirius in a dark dungeon, all alone with Lily. Sitting next to each other. Brewing potions. Staring deeply into each others' eyes."
"Ah, yes. I guess you know that won't happen with McKinnon," Remus says.
"Antonia McKinnon is /not/ ugly!" Peter shouts indignantly.
"I think her mustache is rapidly becoming reminiscent of Slughorn's, actually."
Sirius continues to pace in silence, and glances at his watch.
/bugger/
"6:58," he sighs. "I'll see you guys tonight."
"Full report!" James says firmly, "good luck."
Peter smiles, only half-miserably.
"Don't kill anyone." Remus winks and waves goodbye, burying himself in his book again.
---
Sirius walks swiftly through the corridors, thinking.
He wants Snape to be in that room when he walks in, but he doesn't. Snape is evil, Snape is disgusting. Greasy, dirty, disgusting Snivellus. His one mortal enemy with whom he shared a good, quality, mutual hatred.
/Nothing's changed/ he tells himself.
/I hate that stu-/
The door to the dungeon seems to emerge out of nowhere as Sirius is lost in thought.
/That stupid git./
The dark downstairs hallway is silent and empty, but he can smell the ever-present potion fumes eminating from the classroom before him. Unpleasantly familiar.
He pretends to look careless and composed, takes a deep breath, and reaches for the door handle. Pause. Long pause. /Just one more minute/ he thinks//and I'll go. I'll go in./ But he is very tempted to turn around and leave.
"Need some help there, black?"
/Oh, God. Bloody bugger fucking hell./
He turns around, releasing his death grip on the door handle. There stands Snape, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised inquisitively.
"No, I'm just fine, Snivellus."
"What are you doing here, then? I have things to do."
"In there?"
"No//upstairs," he snarls sarcastically, "I'm taking the scenic route."
Sirius puts his hands in his pockets nervously and bites his lip.
Snape opens his mouth to say something rude, by the annoyed look on his face, but he then turns slightly whiter and his expression collapses into something unrecognisable.
He fidgets for a moment.
"/You/" Snape asks, faking calm annoyance.
"Me."
"Oh, God," he chokes. It is hard to tell whether he sounds miserable, angry, or disgusted.
"No. I'm not doing this," Snape mutters.
/Disgusted/ Sirius decides.
"Then leave, Snivellus. As if I need help from you, you slimy little-"
"As if you need my help? Hah! I don't /have/ to help you, so don't flatter yourself."
"Oh, I wasn't aware that you were doing this little chore by your own free will, Mrs. Slughorn. I think you need this more than I do."
Snape tilts his head, visibly malevolent.
"More than you do?" He breathes a faint laugh. "The only reason I'm here is to make up for a project that was…/defiled/ by some mindless tart last week. Decided she didn't need my help."
Snape takes three slow, creeping steps towards the other boy.
"Slughorn is making me redeem /myself, because he is a fat, worthless, panty-sniffing dolt."
"But you have to be here."
They look at each other.
"So I do."