Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with ER, I just like writing about it. The characters belong to their respective creators. The lyrics used here (centred and in italics) are from the Bonnie Tyler song, total eclipse of the heart, and I don't own them either.

Rated M: and I mean it!

Thanks to Erin for the beta, it's only here because of you sweetheart!
And thanks to my much better half for being so patient and honest about what I write. XXX

A/N: Ok guys, this one's dark. It comes with a severe health warning, much out of character behaviour and if you are of a gentle, happy and positive disposition, you may not want to read this at all. I'm posting this in one go, as this is not the story to keep you hanging on with. Once again, this deals with heavy, painful and (some might say) controversial themes, I'm rating it accordingly. If you're still with me, buckle in, it's gonna be a rough ride...

Liz

Turn around bright eyes

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

NEELA

I have to stop this. I can't sit here crying for things that are done and over. I've lost the man I loved. Michael is gone. I've cried my heart dry over him, or perhaps that was more for me. I had to surround myself with pieces of what little time we had together, just to keep myself remembering who it was I was supposed to be crying for. The self pity of this whole mess is compounded by everyone else being so damn understanding, not really getting the point that I stopped crying for Michael after a few weeks, everything else was for poor little me.

I might as well stop gilding the lily. I missed Michael, the realisation that he was never going to be a bigger part of my life hit me like a brick after the funeral. That was all we were going to have. My marriage had consisted of a few months of company with a man who always had half his mind on leaving me, oh we had some fun times, sure; I just can't seem to remember them right now. But there were some, really.

Honestly, Neela were there? If you can't remember them now, what's it going to be like in a few years time? Are you going to make up a few golden moments to make you feel like you actually had a real marriage, not some shotgun convenience affair to make a soldier feel a little happier knowing that when he got killed he was going to leave a widow instead of a girlfriend. I am still so angry with you Michael, how could you do that to me? Marry me, leave me and then leave me forever, was that all I meant to you, just the girl who would always be waiting for you to come home?

I think I knew that we were going to have problems, the signs were there. I fought hard to get where I am, gave up so much to be just exactly where I am today and I know that eventually he would have asked me to give up everything that meant something to me. Is it wrong to be relieved that a situation has been resolved without me actually having to make a decision about it? Probably makes me shallow, makes me a bad person.

I think I need to watch Michael's goodbye video again. I think that's the only way I'm going feel better, perhaps just torture myself a little more. I didn't love him enough to make him stay, he didn't love me enough to want to stay, so I guess we're equal, except he always gets to have the last word. Find someone else he says, settle down. Sure thing, Michael, just as soon as I sort out the train wreck you left behind for me.