Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something wild

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry


RAY

Things have been crazy lately. What with the ER getting shot to shit, Abby and Luka having to deal with their personal trauma, it's just been so… crazy. I said that already right, but there ain't no better word to describe it. I've been so busy I've hardly had time to think… about other things. People are starting to take me a little more seriously at work, I've been covering a lot of shifts, pulling the odd double, pulling my weight I guess you could say, throwing myself into it, because it's nice to be needed.

Ouch! Stupid isn't it how one little phrase can just slice you right open, better than any surgeon's scalpel. Sure it's nice to be needed, especially by the right person, but when that person doesn't need or want you, then everything feels a little bit sour. I don't want to go home, I never want to go home.

Sometimes I have to, sometimes I can't justify crashing in the ER lounge, but when I do, home isn't there. Home is where she is. Sometimes I just lie on her bed, imagining what it would be like to hold her, to comfort her, to help her just a bit. Or maybe to hold her and feel her arms around me, perhaps even kiss me, but I know that's not gonna happen. Ever.

I get mad sometimes when I see her at work. She's moving around, walking and talking in the same old way, some sadness in her eyes, sure, but she's still there, the same old Neela. Except this Neela doesn't want or need me in her life. Not that she ever did, I suppose. I was just the annoying, messy, pain in the ass room-mate to her and she's moved on from that, leaving Ray Barnett behind, drowning in her wake. I go up to the roof sometimes and just rage silently at the world. I can't say out loud what I want to, because no decent human being should have such angry thoughts about another.

She gets all the pity. Everyone asks her if she's ok, does she need to take an early mark? But no, little miss perfect never takes a day off, never needs to go home to cry, she just lets everyone see that she's gone to the rest room and comes back with shiny eyes and fresh mascara. Poor little Neela! I don't try and talk to her now. She's made it obvious she wants nothing to do with me, so I have every intention of respecting her wishes.

No-one knows what this is doing to me. No-one asks me if I'm ok. I'm frightened that I'm actually not ok, that this is eating me up inside to the point where I wont have anything of me left. I can't stand there and watch her be so normal, knowing that I can't fake it anymore for myself. I'm gonna crack one of these days and there won't be an army of people telling me to take it easy, so just suck it up Barnett, keep on with a smile on your face and don't let her see what this is doing to you.