Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

NEELA

What is Ray's problem? Who the hell does he think he is, Saint Ray of Chicago? Pulling all these double shifts, sucking up to everyone, covering at the drop of a hat. I don't know who the hell he thinks he's fooling, but it's not me. He's up to something. I don't know what, yet, but I think Pratt knows what's going on. I see him looking at Ray sometimes, perhaps they're grooming him to be chief resident eventually. Hah, that would be funny, Mr I-Don't-Do-Responsibility as chief. Well what ever it is, it won't affect me thank God.

Ray is out of my life now. I can't believe that I even thought I had feelings for that pathetic loser. You're the best friend I ever had. Yeah, that says a lot for your friends, doesn't it mate, that someone who only just tolerated you, slapped you around when you deserved it and was constantly nagging your lazy arse to just do something was the best friend you ever had. All that crap about your parents, I never bought that for a second. You always loved the limelight, wanted to be the most important person in the room.

Michael was just so totally different, so caring, always putting everyone else before himself, never needing the adulation of others to be comfortable in his own skin.

Hold on a minute. I can't believe I just said that. Michael put everyone else, except me, before himself. He left me. He went off to fight a war he knew I didn't and couldn't believe in and left me alone. I can't start putting the rose coloured tint over this one, otherwise I'm going to become the champion of self delusion.

Is this what I'm doing? Painting Ray so dark that Michael remains the shining angel that everyone thinks he is. He died doing his duty for his country, so I should be proud and thankful for that. Well bollocks, I'm not going to be. I'm going to be selfish and stubborn over this. He'd done his tour, he didn't have to go back. He chose to leave me when he didn't have to and I'll never forgive him for that.

Have I been unfair to Ray? Maybe a little. He always was a prima dona, loved the spotlight, but hey, don't we all sometimes. And if it comes to the subject of leaving, it was me that left Ray, so I guess he has a right to be distant with me. I didn't give him a reason for leaving, I just went. He all but told me how he felt and I got in that cab without a word. Damn he must hate me. I think it's been easier for me to be angry at Ray than at Michael, classic case of transference.

I miss Ray. There was something there between us, just a bit of a spark, but the friend thing is what I miss the most. I'm so fed up of coming back to a flat that isn't mine with no one to talk to, no dirty dishes or soggy towels to nag about. It's just not the same. I was the one who did the leaving. I was right to go, but part of me keeps thinking, if I'd stayed I wouldn't be lonely now. I'd at least have Ray to comfort me.