Once
upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling
apart
RAY
How can I keep going on with this? I'm going mad here. One minute I'm so angry I can barely think, the next I'm hurting so much I think my heart will just stop. How is it that one person can do this to another without even knowing? This is torture. I wish I'd never fallen in love with Neela. Everything would have been so much easier if I'd never met her. I wouldn't care so much about anything.
It's her, she's infected me with this sense of duty, this need to try harder at everything, not to accept anything less than perfection. Is there a vaccine for love? Can somebody give me a shot, please? I just can't cope with this anymore.
How am I supposed to go on when all I can think of is her? She fills every part of me. No one else comes close, she who taught me about perfection turned out to be perfect for me. Except that I could never be perfect for her. I can't come close to a dead hero husband, how could a loser like me hope to be lucky enough to win a girl like her?
The beer numbs the pain a bit, not enough to stop me crying, not enough to stop me putting my fist through a wall. Without her I have work and I can't do that 24/7, although I try pretty hard. I can't even sleep without her getting into my dreams. Sometimes we're together, standing outside in the sunshine, she's laughing, the light bouncing off her hair in sheets. She's so alive, so vibrant, but when she reaches out to me, I'm as insubstantial as the fall fog and I realise that she's reaching through me to get to someone else.
When I wake up, my head still thick and fluffy from the Sominex, it takes me a minute to realise that she's not here, I'm on my own. I don't think I could stand the sunshine at the moment, that's where Neela belongs. I'll just stay here in the darkness where no one can see me. Maybe one day I won't wake up.
Here's hoping.