Disclaimer: Same thing, different chapter...You know who belongs to me and how they feel about it...:)

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Chapter 11.

(Angela)

I sat in my tree looking over the grounds for a long time, drinking it in as though I would never see it again. Logan seemed so certain that I would be able to overcome this thing that had been implanted in my head. I wasn't so sure. Hadn't my own dreams told me as much? That I was going to betray the man I loved more than anything alive on the planet? And I was going to pay the ultimate price for that betrayal. If he didn't kill me himself, I would do it for him. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that I should just go and never come back.

The hard part of that idea would be convincing Logan to come with me. He had a home here, people who cared about him that he'd made promises to. He had a job to do and not just teaching the kids, but also as an X-Man. He didn't always seem comfortable in the role of superhero, but it was one that suited him well. I knew that I had the resources to go anywhere I wanted and start a whole new life. I still had all the identification for Melissa Arthur, I could always pay Buzz to come up with all the other records for her and just start all over. If not for Logan, it would have been easy.

Gods, how could I leave him? I'd just found him again! The mere thought of kissing him goodbye again and walking away made my guts churn. I could no more leave him now than cut off my own arm, adamantium skeleton notwithstanding. He was right, I had to find a way to fight this thing inside me and purge it from my system once and for all. But that was much easier said than done. Charles and I had barely scratched the surface of this thing and I knew it would only get harder as time went on. I had no idea anything was buried there in the first place. Gods only knew how much deeper the rest of it was buried.

My thoughts chased themselves around in that general vein for hours. I absently noted the return of the X-Jet, the sounds of kids with free class periods roaming around the grounds and the more soothing sounds of the stream trickling behind me and the wind sighing through the branches of my tree. I finally decided that I'd had enough of brooding and climbed down to go for a run around the grounds.

I set out at a moderate jog, not wanting to get to the main portion of the grounds before the kids returned to their classes. I tried to clear my head of everything, letting the rhythm of my feet numb my thoughts. I continued to focus inward, letting my vision narrow to the path in front of me, my hearing centered on the sound of my footfalls, breathing and heartbeat. If I'd been in a place I considered hostile, I would never close off my senses like that, but the mansion had become my home as much as it was Logan's and I felt safe here. Not to mention, it was broad daylight and no one would be crazy enough to try and hit the mansion while everyone was awake.

I had managed to time my jog perfectly, as the last of the students were straggling into the mansion to whatever classes they had at the time. I quickened my pace a bit, pushing myself to go a little faster, a little farther, run a little longer than I had the last time. I had completed two laps around the grounds when I noticed I wasn't precisely alone anymore.

I don't know when he'd decided to join me, but I could hear someone running behind me. I initially thought it was Totem, making yet another attempt to convince me to run off and be his mate. I chanced a quick glance over my shoulder and stopped short in shock. It was Scott. He stopped when he caught up to me, breathing hard. I just smiled in greeting, still catching my own breath.

"Damn, I had no idea you could run like that, as much as you smoke." He said with a touch of irony.

"Healing factor." I explained. "Clears out everything that ails me. Gotta love it."

"Yeah, I guess you would." He shook his limbs, clearly not used to running quite as much as Logan and I were. "Hey, you got a minute?"

"Sure. Let's find a place to sit." He nodded and I led him back to the stream. I sat on the bank and immediately submerged my feet in the cool water. He lowered himself next to me, but kept his feet out of the water. "So, I'm guessing you have something on your mind and you thought talking to me would help?"

"Something like that." He replied, staring at the water. I waited for him to continue, keeping silent until he was ready. He finally gave a bitter snort. "I used to talk to Jean about stuff, you know?"

"Mmm, not really, since you haven't said anything yet." I replied with a little smile.

"It's just…I really want to blame someone, point a finger and say 'this is all your fault', but I know it isn't."

"I'm relatively certain I have no idea what you're talking about."

He looked at me. "You know me and Storm went to South America to rescue someone, right?" I nodded. "Well, it turned out to be more complicated than we thought by the time we got there. I don't know how long she's been on her own and she doesn't speak a word of English. By the time we got there, she'd run into some pretty bad people, I don't know if they were mercenaries or what, guarding a cocaine plantation. We think she'd been trying to break into one of the buildings for shelter or food, whatever. These guys found her and had her at gunpoint when we showed up."

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed. "Is she all right?"

"Yeah, she's fine. Shaken up, but not hurt as far as we can tell." He swallowed hard. "As for the guards…let's just say Storm was far less than pleased. I've known her a long time, we've been in all kinds of tight spots before, but I've never seen her like this."

"Let me guess. She saw the guns and didn't give them the benefit of the doubt?"

He nodded and swallowed hard again. "See, before Logan came, then you, I don't think she would have gone that far with them. I really believe she would have been content to get them away from the mutant and get us out of there. But she didn't hold back, not one little bit. She wouldn't leave until every inch of that place was in flames."

"I don't blame her. First off, the girl you saved was hopelessly outnumbered and I'm guessing she wasn't in much condition to fight them off in the first place. Secondly, hello! It was a fucking cocaine farm. I say we find them all and let her go to town on them. Anyone who has anything to do with that doesn't deserve the benefit of ANY doubt."

"I know, I know. But…I don't know, I guess I still want to believe that people like that can be brought to justice the right way."

"And what is that, exactly? South America might as well be another planet in a lot of ways. There's still places down there that don't have running water and you're worried about bringing hired thugs with automatic weapons who protect cocaine farms to justice? Screw that, I say bring them some instant karma. Storm did the right thing."

"It's not just what she did. I think, in some way, she enjoyed doing it. And that's the part I just don't understand."

Ah, so this was the real issue. "Scott, listen to me. I'm not going to tell you that she didn't. I'm sure she did, on some level. Do I think she's going to get a taste for killing people and forget how this war should be fought? No, she's not. Do I think she knows when extreme measures are the only ones? Absolutely. Logan and I were programmed to be killers, to do the very worst things possible without remorse. Our basically feral natures made it easier for them to do that, since both of us have predatory tendencies anyway. But Storm isn't made the way we are, not many people are and I thank the gods every day for that. She did what was right, you can't let things like that wait for justice that'll probably never come." I reached over and grasped his hand. "It wasn't an easy thing to do for her, I guarantee it. But it was right. You saved that mutant from an execution, you know that for sure. What you haven't figured out yet is that you probably saved hundreds of other lives by keeping that shit off the streets."

He smiled and squeezed my hand before letting it go. "Yeah, I did figure that out. But it's times like this where I really miss Jean. She would have been able to explain it all without words, just her mind inside of mine. She'd have made sense of it all. It still feels like I'm missing such a huge piece of myself and I wish to God I could find it again."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I kept my silence. We sat there for a while longer, listening to the water, when something occurred to me. "Scott, have you ever thought about going back there? To Alkali Lake?"

"What?" He asked, turning to me with an incredulous look on his face. "No! Why would I want to?"

"Well, like it or not, that's where she is. I'm thinking you never got a chance to really say goodbye."

"I don't want to say goodbye. I just want her back."

"I know, believe me I do. I'd finally resigned myself to never seeing Logan again, figured he was so far away he'd never cross my path or back with Stryker or dead. I grieved for him for so long, I didn't think I'd ever be able to let go. But I did, finally. I went back to the last places we were happy and I said goodbye. That was almost five years ago now."

"But you got him back. This is different."

"Yes, it is, but in a way it's the same. I let him go. I didn't want to, but I needed to. I couldn't have moved on if I hadn't." I was surprised to hear my voice shaking. "But I had to go back there too, you know. To Alkali Lake. It's the last place I know where Emma was for sure. I have no idea where she is now, if they even buried her."

"Oh God, Angela, I'm sorry. I forgot about that." He frowned and looked away from me. "I'm such a jerk."

"Yeah. But I'll forgive you this time."

"Not that I deserve it." He sighed. "But I think I get what you're saying. I haven't let it be real to me yet, because I haven't really let go. And Alkali Lake, it's the only grave she'll have."

"Exactly. I'm not saying you should go now or go alone, but when you're truly ready, you'll know. And you'll know who to take with you."

He turned to me and smiled, a little sadly. "Thanks, Angela. I know we didn't start off well and God only knows Logan still isn't sure about the whole thing, but you're a real friend. I might not act like it all the time, but I'm glad you're here."

"Anytime, Scott. Just don't flirt around Logan and we'll be fine." I reached over and patted his hand again before standing up. "Anyway, I was in the middle of a really good run. I think I'll finish that while I still have time before dinner."

"No problem. I have papers to grade anyway." He walked away down the path and I waved after him. I still wasn't sure why he thought I was a good surrogate for Jean in the listening department, but if I helped him at all, I was all right with that. I took a moment to stretch out again before setting out to finish my run.

I hadn't gotten halfway through the woods when worst-case scenario happened and Totem showed up in front of me on the path. I stopped short and immediately fell into a defensive crouch. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to talk to you, if I could." He replied mildly.

"About what?"

"What else? Us."

I gritted my teeth. "Did they put extra adamantium on your skull or something? Make it extra thick?"

"I do not understand."

"Let me explain it to you. I'll even use small words so there's no confusion. There. Is. No. Us."

"I know you feel it. I know it's in your mind. Father told me all about it."

I narrowed my eyes and shifted my weight, prepared to spring if I had to. "What do you mean?"

"He told me what he did, how he had his friends put me in your head so you would have to love me. How they taught you to want me above all others. He told me there would be no way for you to fight it."

I suddenly felt lightheaded and my vision was bathed in red. "I already know. The Professor told me. And he's gonna help me get rid of it."

"Why do you want to do that? Can't you see we belong together?"

"What I see is someone who is about to be very dead if he doesn't get far away from me." He held a hand out to me and I took a step back, preparing to strike. "I mean it. I love Logan; I will always love him. Nothing will ever change that."

"I will." He replied in a low voice and he moved towards me so fast I didn't have a chance to respond. His hand shot out and clamped around my wrist, pulling me into an embrace. I tried to order myself to fight back, break away, but I just stood there. His hand came up to my face and he traced my lips with his fingertip. "I will." He whispered as he moved in and kissed me.

Everything inside me was screaming to get away, but I found myself unable to do anything but respond and gods help me, I kissed him back. His other arm snaked around my waist, molding my body to his and I was still unable to fight it. It wasn't until he buried his hand in my hair, so much like Logan, that I was able to gain control and break away.

I shoved him as hard as I could and raked my claws across his face. "You bastard! Just stay away from me, do you understand? Stay away or I'll kill you myself!" I turned and ran back to the mansion, vaguely aware of him calling out to me. I hit the patio doors so hard I'm surprised they didn't shatter. Bypassing the elevator, I ran down the stairs to the lower levels and didn't stop until I made it to the Danger Room.

Once inside, I gave the verbal order to lock the doors and called up the bloodiest scenario we had, which was a brilliantly brutal creation of Buzz's. I told the computer to set it to level ten and to also run my personal workout soundtrack. The gray steel walls melted away around me, morphing into the halls of the school as the first notes of "So What" by Ministry filled my ears. I screamed along with the song as I tore through enemy after enemy, letting the heavy beat carry me along even as my rage at Totem and myself took over and I fell into a completely feral state. Ministry gave over to Metallica's "Creeping Death" and I fell upon more enemies, shredding flesh beneath my claws and reveling at the feel of blood running down my hands, even though a small part of my mind knew it wasn't real. Still the carnage continued, through everything from "Dragula" by Rob Zombie to "Sickness" by Disturbed, all the music that carried all my anger with it.

I had just gotten back to more Ministry, "Stigmata" to be exact, when the scene before me froze and melted back to steel walls. I whipped my head around to the door, fully intending to attack whoever came through it. It opened a moment later with a hiss and Logan came in. I narrowed my eyes and growled.

"Darlin', I don't wanna fight you." He said, hands out in front of him. "But I will if I have to."

"Get the fuck outta here." I snarled. "I'm in the mood for a fight, so if you're not, you're of no use to me."

"I don't know what pissed you off so bad, but you can't just do a level ten scenario without backup."

"Did I look like I needed fucking backup? Either step up or step out. I'm not done here."

"Fine." He said and fell back into a fighting stance. "You wanna dance with me? Let's do it."

I barked out a command for the computer to put my music back on even as I sprang forward in full attack mode. Naturally, it was a futile effort, since he knew my moves as well as I knew his. Still, sparring with Logan is a lot better than fighting virtual opponents. No matter how awesome the Danger Room is, it can only do what it's programmed to do and nothing beats good old-fashioned improvisation. On the other hand, sparring with Logan is like having a level eleven scenario. Unlike the programmed opponents, he's not predictable and he ultimately frustrates me into doing something stupid that would be suicidal at best in a real-life situation.

Which is precisely what happened. I remember it all with crystal clarity. "Join in the Chant" by Nitzer Ebb with Front 242 was playing and we'd already done a fair number on each other by then. He had blood smeared across his forehead from a nasty gash I'd opened up on his scalp, his shirt was torn in several places and I could tell he was barely keeping himself from going berserker on me. I was still in the throes of my rage and barely felt the bruised sternum, the swelling in my left cheekbone or the pain in my back from when he'd slammed me into the wall. My (technically) fatal mistake was losing it enough to go for his balls. I'm lucky in that he anticipated it and grabbed my foot as I kicked out at him, tossing me hard to the floor and falling on top of me, straddling my hips and pinning my hands to the ground. I struggled for a moment, a totally futile gesture, before going limp.

"Are you done tryin' to kill me?" He growled, keeping his temper in check. I nodded and he moved aside, letting me sit up. I ran my fingers through my hair and glared at him. His expression never changed. "What the fuck do you call this?"

"I call it working off steam, how about you?" I shot back, still angry but calming little by little.

"Workin' off steam? Sweetheart, I haven't seen you like this since Alkali Lake."

"What's it to you? I got angry at something and I figured killing virtual people would go over better than killing real ones."

"Angry? That was first rate, high quality rage you had goin' there. Wanna share with the class where the hell it came from?"

I looked away. "You wouldn't understand." Oh, was that ever the wrong thing to say.

"Excuse me!" He shouted. "I wouldn't understand! Who the fuck do you think I am? If anyone should understand, it's me!" He grabbed my chin a little roughly and forced me to look at him. "Now tell me what the hell is goin' on here and let me decide what I do and do not understand, got it?"

I sighed. "It was Totem." I said, lowering my gaze to his chin, not able to look him in the eye while I said this. "He…I ran into him while I was out running earlier." I glanced back to his eyes, then looked down again. "Logan, I don't know what happened or how but I…he kissed me."

Logan dropped his hand. "What?" He asked, his voice far too even for my liking.

"He kissed me, Logan. But that's not the worst part, not even close."

"Did he hurt you?"

"No! Nothing like that. It's just that I…I kissed him back."

His face went white and he stood up. "Angela, what are you sayin'?"

I looked up at him, tears of anger welling up in my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. "Oh gods, Logan, I kissed him back! I couldn't stop myself! I tried, I swear I did!" I stood up and held my hand out to him, but he backed away a step. I felt my heart clench, crack, break. "Logan, please! You have to believe me!"

"Where is he?" He growled and I could see the rage building in him. "I don't care what Chuck says, that fucker is dead." He turned and stalked towards the door.

"Logan no!" I said, grabbing him by the arm. "Please, don't. It's not his fault. He told me…he said that Stryker told him about the programming. And how do we know that he isn't programmed too?"

"I don't give a fuck. He crossed a line, he has to answer for it." He jerked his arm from my grasp and turned to leave again, but I jumped in front of him. "Get out of my way, Angela."

"No, I won't. He's as much a victim as we are, remember? We can't blame him anymore than you can blame me."

He scowled at me. "What do you expect from me, darlin'? You think I can just sit back while he seduces you away from me?"

"No! We'll just…I don't know, just don't leave me alone with him. Or ever. Not until we have this compulsion thing out of my head."

He narrowed his eyes, but I saw his shoulders relax. "Fine. But I swear, if he so much as looks at you, I'm rippin' his eyes out."

"It's a deal."

He stood there for a long moment, then gathered me into his arms and pulled me close. "Jesus, Angela. For a second there, I didn't know if I wanted to kill him or kill you."

I nodded, swallowing hard. "I know, Logan. I've been dreaming about it, remember?"

"Maybe you were right and we should leave here for a while, get away from him and all the other shit."

"No, we have to stay and face it. Come on, we've never walked away from a fight, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. I just didn't realize I'd be fightin' myself too."

"Me either, lover." I pulled away a little, standing on my toes to kiss him. "Come on, we need a shower."

"Is that an invitation?"

"You know it is."

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AN: Hmmm, what's happening here? Well, i'm not telling:) There's a bunch of people i usually thank here, but i hope everyone will forgive me if i skip it this one time...:) However, if you're a reader, beta reader, reviewer or fellow author, please know that i appreciate the time and effort you've all given me over the past months...:)