Help Me Stand, Daddy
© By Anne-Katrin C.
May 2006
"Sweetheart" Michaela was leaning over Katie's bed.
They had just moved her into her own room the evening before and the young doctor had worried all night if her little girl was alright. She had not been able to close her eyes and more than just once did she go over to her daughter's room to check on her. Sully had woken a couple of times and tried to convince her that Katie was old enough to call for her if there was a problem. Still, she was used to have her in the room and she had more trouble getting adjusted to this huge change than her daughter.
"Hey..." A quiet whisper came from the door.
Michaela turned around. Sully was smiling at her, glad that the night was finally over and hoping that the next would be much calmer. He looked past his wife to his daughter. Against his expectations she was still asleep.
"Why don't you let her sleep?" He wondered why Mike wanted to wake her up.
„I thought I had heard her..." She lied casting her gaze to the floor, knowing he knew better.
„No you didn't..." He carefully walked over to her taking into a warm embrace. „What's wrong, huh?"
The mother took a deep breath, not knowing how to face her fears without worrying him. She slowly turned around and looked up into his crystal blue eyes. They were full of dreams for the future.
„I guess I just miss her." She lied and admitted at the same time.
It was true she was missing her daughter in her room, but it would be much calmer and peaceful without her in there. The thing she really worried about was just so scary to her that she feared it might be really true once she put it into words. If she didn't say it out loud she could sill hope she was wrong. Her husband smiled at her believing what she was saying. Her gave her a quick peck on the cheek and took her hand to lead her out of the room.
The slight knock at the clinic door went unnoticed by Dr. Mike. Her head was hanging low over a couple of medical journals and she seemed to be looking for something. Only when the door opened and someone stepped into the examination room was she startled out of her thoughts.
"Dorothy...why didn't you knock?" She said somewhat angry that her friend was just coming in.
"Oh, I did knock, but I guess you didn't hear me." The red-haired answered slightly smiling.
"I'm sorry, Dorothy. I was looking for something." Michaela replied curtly not wanting to be disturbed. The editor sensed that she was unwanted right now.
"Well, maybe we could have a cup of coffee at Grace's later?" Again there was no reply.
"Michaela?" Dorothy stepped closer to the desk.
"What?" The doctor's head snapped up not expecting that her friend was still there.
"I asked if we could have coffee later at Grace's." The red-haired frowned. It wasn't like Michaela to be so absent-minded.
"Are you alright, Michaela?" She tried again.
"Of course, I am alright," She said in a nicer voice now, "and yes, coffee would be lovely."
Dorothy was worried about her friends' behaviour but decided to let the topic drop for now and discuss it later over their cup of coffee.
"See you at noon then." As expected there never came a reply since Michaela's mind was already far away again. The young doctor turned another page of her thick book, sighing heavily, so Dorothy quietly closed the clinic door behind her and walked back to her gazette.
"Michaela, you're coming to bed?" Sully's soft voice penetrated her deep thoughts and let her know that it was time to get upstairs.
He had brought Katie to bed about an hour ago and since then waited for her to follow him. That she didn't come was a tell-tale sign for him that something wasn't right and he wondered how to get her talking.
The young doctor folded the blanket her mother had given her when she was expecting Katie, laid it over the arm chair and started up the steps. When she passed Katie's room she stopped for an instant marveling at the beautiful person lying in the tiny bed. Only Sully's warm hands made her remember why she had even come up here and averting her eyes from her daughter's form she followed her husband's lead into their own private room.
Sully watched his wife undress and put on her white night gown. Her worry was written all over her features, in the way she was moving, averting her eyes whenever he looked at her begging her to trust in him, but he wasn't sure if it was something she could easily talk about. In the past she had always been the one reminding him how important it was to talk things out and don't let them gnaw at you from the inside.
"Michaela?" She took a deep breath and turned around smiling at him.
"You alright?" He thought he saw her smile fade for a moment and a flicker appear in her eyes, but when she started towards him it was all gone.
"Sure, why shouldn't I?" She asked crawling between the sheets and snuggling against him.
"I just thought. You seemed kinda absent lately, thought you're fretting about something." He offered to her.
"No…no, nothing. Is there something I should be worried about?" She replied innocently, the guilt for lying to him heavy on her heart.
"No, I just wanted to be sure,'s all." He put his arm around her enveloping her in his warmth.
"I love you, Sully." She whispered her voice barely audible but he could clearly hear it.
"I love you too." He gave back before they both finally calmed. But only Sully fell into a deep sleep.
They sat in silence for quite some time and Michaela wondered how she was going to tell him what she had planned. What if he would destroy her plans and say he'd come along. She wouldn't know until she tried him, so just came out with it.
"Sully, I wanted to talk to you about something." All heads shot up in her direction.
"What is it?"
"There's a medical conference in Denver that I would like to attend to…and well, since it would only be one day I thought I could take Katie with me and show her the city." She looked at him expectantly.
"Sure, we could all go." Her thoughts were running wild searching for any excuse to make him stay here and let her go alone with Katie.
"I'd love for you all to come, but Brian has school and I know you'd only be bored, Sully. And anyway, I didn't have much time lately so I was hoping to spend some special time with Katie." She begged him with her eyes to say yes. Sully was unsure what to say. He couldn't refuse his two girls to spend some special time together, but he sensed that there was more behind her request than she was letting on.
"Okay, I'll stay here with Brian. We haven't gone fishing in a while." He answered finally, smiling at Brian so he wouldn't be too disappointed he couldn't go. But the boy knew he had to attend school and fishing with Sully was worth missing Denver.
"Yea, I found a place at the creek where they're biting like crazy." The young boy fell in enthusiastically. Sully laid his arm around the Brian's shoulder and squeezed it lightly to let him know they'd make the best of their time together.
Mike on the other hand was glad to have that settled and felt at least some of the load being lifted from her chest. As soon as she knew what was wrong and how it could be fixed she'd tell him. There was no need to make him worry, when there might not even be something to worry or when he couldn't do anything about it.
"I'll miss my girls." Sully said as he hugged Michaela holding Katie in one arm.
"We'll miss you too." Michaela kissed Sully one last time on the lips and then took Katie out of his arms, letting Sully kiss her on the cheek before she stepped on the platform with her. "We'll be back tomorrow."
The whistle blew and the train slowly started pulling out of the station carrying its passengers towards Denver. Sully and Brian stayed at the station until the train appeared around the bend and then slowly started off towards town to get their horses from Robert E.
"Hey Sully" Andrew's voice could be heard from the clinic porch. Sully turned around to him and wondered what he wanted.
"Andrew?"
"Where's Michaela," He asked, "She agreed to help me with this case today?"
"Oh, she must have forgotten. She went to a medical conference in Denver." Sully informed his son-in-law.
"There's no medical conference in Denver." Andrew was confused.
"Ya sure?"
"Yea, I just hired them last week and they said there won't be any for at least four weeks." Sully's brow furrowed. He must have gotten her wrong. Why would she lie to him about something like that, except of course it had something to do with whatever was troubling her for the last couple of weeks?
"Well, I must have misunderstood." Sully said to Andrew, not wanting him to go assuming things.
"I'm sorry Dr. Quinn, but physically there's nothing wrong with your daughter." The elderly doctor shook his head.
"Then what is it?" Michaela was desperate and hugged Katie tighter on her lap.
"I can't be sure, but there could be psychological problems causing this. Are there any problems at home? Maybe trouble with your husband?"
"No, no, everything's fine." Mike didn't understand. They had a lovely home, loved each other, that couldn't possibly be the reason for this.
"Does she get along with her siblings? Her friends?" The doctor grew slowly impatient.
"No, she's loved by everybody and gets along with everyone really well."
"Well, then I can't help you, Dr. Quinn. I don't see any medical explanation."
"Thank you for your time, Dr. Wagner." She shook his hand and then left his office. "So what are we doing now, sweet girl?" She really tried to sound enthusiastic, but she knew well enough that she didn't succeed.
"Candy?" Katie asked innocently looking at her mother with her big eyes.
"You want candy, huh? I think we can get some for you."
"Sully, there just came a telegram for Dr. Mike. Says it's urgent." Horace called over to Sully as he spotted him at the livery with Robert E.
"Thanks Horace." Sully took the telegram and started to read it.
To Dr. Michaela Quinn Colorado Springs/ Colorado
Urgent!
Seen this before STOP No positive outcome STOP Wish you the best STOP
Dr. E. Kraut Boston/ Massachusetts
Sully balled his hand to a fist. Whatever had gone on inside her for these last weeks must be serious if she hired a doctor from Boston. He suddenly got scared. Was something wrong with her?
No positive outcome
The words echoed in his mind over and over again. All he wanted to do right now was to take the next train to Denver and find her. They had to talk about this. She couldn't keep it to herself any longer if it had consequences for all of them. But then it occurred to him that he didn't even know where exactly she was. If there really was no medical conference where was she? He couldn't shake the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Both Brian and Sully were excited when they heard the train whistle and saw it appear in their view. Michaela and Katie would be on it and though they'd had a good time together Brian and Sully were eagerly awaiting their girls home.
When the train stopped and the first passengers got off Sully spotted Michaela on one of the windows just before the exit. She was holding Katie in one hand and they both were waving to them. As soon as they got off Michaela fell into Sully's arms and hugged him tightly. Sully sensed that there was more than just the joy of being home in this embrace and decided there and then that he would give her a little bit more time to sort things out for herself before she talked to him about it.
"Let's go home." Sully said taking Katie out of her mother's arms and they all took of to the wagon.
Michaela was the total contrast to Katie, who talked the whole way back to the homestead. She was glaring at the street in front of her and not once meeting Sully's eyes. He became worried and wondered what had happened in Denver. Then he remembered the telegram, but putting in the back of his mind he concentrated on everything Katie was saying, willing to ignore the overwhelming urge to ask her about it.
Colleen had in the meantime cooked dinner at home and was now standing on the front porch waiting for them to arrive. As soon as she spotted the wagon she hurried down and took Katie in her arms.
"Hey Katie, how was your trip? Did you have fun?" Katie only nodded eagerly throwing her arms around her big sister.
When everyone was settled inside Colleen started serving the food noticing the depressed atmosphere. One glance at Dr. Mike and Sully let her know that something was wrong with them. In that manner, dinner was a somber affair. Mike was so deep in her thoughts that she didn't even notice Sully's stares and Sully was so busy staring at her that he didn't notice whenever someone was talking to him.
Brian, who had been aware of the tension ever since Michaela and Katie arrived home, cast a worried look at Colleen. But she only shook her head, gesturing him to let them sort things out on their own.
The fire in the fireplace was burning low, put neither Sully nor Michaela were paying any attention to it. Except for a low good night, no word had been spoken when they went to bed and now they were lying here next to each other, neither one of them able to sleep.
Michaela was listening to Sullys uneven breaths knowing he wasn't asleep, but she couldn't get herself to talk to him. Whatever she was going to say he would get worried. She didn't want him to bear this worry for her, but she didn't want to bear it alone so when she finally heard him sigh softly she turned to face him.
Sully was as well listening to Michaela's breathing. He could tell from the way she sucking in the air, holding it for a little while and then breathing out ever so slowly that she was struggling with her thoughts. There was something she wanted to do but couldn't. He was glad when he felt her move and face him, hoping she'd open up to him and talk about what had been troubling her for the past weeks.
"Sully?" She whispered low as if testing whether he was asleep, though she knew he wasn't, her fingers lightly touching his biceps.
He turned his head and looked intently at her, laying his hand on top of hers.
"What is it?"
"What is…" she stopped for a moment, but he nodded softly urging her on, "…what is when there's something terribly wrong." She paused and took a deep breath.
"Then you make it right." He offered, not understanding what was different about this than the other times when she had seen something wrong.
"What if I can't?" She whispered teary eyed, her voice trembling.
"Could someone else?" He asked fearful. Her tears and her trembling voice only added fuel to his worry and he got scared that indeed something might be wrong with her, something she couldn't fix on her own.
"No…" Her eyes looked at him, pleading him to understand though she wasn't revealing very much, wishing him to say something wise and make her stop worrying.
"Then you gotta accept it." Her heart fell with disappointment. This wasn't the reply she had hoped for.
"What if I can't?" She repeated her earlier question.
Sully looked down at her, but she had averted her eyes and was staring down at the blanket now. He didn't know what to say. What if there was something that had to be changed, but no one could? He didn't know. Pulling his wife into a tight embrace he was hoping that this had been getting bigger in her head than it really was. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her.
"Have a good day at school." She called after Brian as he left the house.
Katie was ready to go into town and all she had to do was clean the breakfast table and get herself ready. Just when she was about to leave the house Sully came down the stairs.
"You're going into town already?" He asked.
"Yea, I thought I could have an early start today."
"We could go together. Gotta talk to Robert E. anyway." He offered.
"Sure." So they left the house together.
When they arrived in town and Michaela got off the wagon taking Katie from Sully, he leaned down to kiss her.
"I love you." She looked up at him and smiled.
"I know and I love you too."
"So you're saying she's keeping something from ya?" Robert E. made sure he understood what Sully was saying.
"Yea, but she won't talk about it. Last night she even said something about not being able to make something right or accept it." Sully shrugged his shoulders.
"Sounds serious. Did you try to talk to her about it?" Sully followed his friend into the stables as he brought another horse out to fix the hoof.
"I asked her if she was alright, but she said yes."
"So then what is it you're worried about?"
"You remember that medical conference she was attending?"
"The one in Denver, where she took Katie with her?" Sully nodded, "Yea, what about it?"
"There never was one."
"Whew...how do ya know?" The blacksmith wiped his forehead with his arm.
"Andrew."
"So what she say to that?" When Sully didn't reply he knew he hadn't talked to her about it. "You didn't say anything!" He stated causing Sully to shake his head.
"So that's all or is there more?" Sully hesitated, thinking about the telegram and if he should say anything about it before letting Michaela explain.
"No that's all." He finally said.
"If you ask me," Robert E. said, "you gotta talk about it with her not me. I'm sure she can explain. Not talking about ain't gonna do any good." He clapped Sully on the shoulder and returned to work.
Sully on the other hand looked across the street towards the clinic. Michaela was sitting at her desk working on something he couldn't see from where he was. So he started to go over to the clinic and knocked on the door. When he didn't receive an answer he opened the door a creak and peeked in. There was no patient so he stepped in. She seemed oblivious to his presence her head hanging low over one of her thick medical books. He slowly walked around her desk and laid one of his hands on her shoulder causing her to jump and turn around with a shocked expression on her face. When she recognized the intruder as her husband she quickly shut the book and put her arm on it.
"Sully!" She scolded him, letting him know she didn't like to be scared like that.
"Sorry, you didn't hear me knock." He explained.
"That's no reason to sneak up on me like that." Her tone was biting and it angered him, since he didn't do anything wrong.
"I wasn't sneaking. You were just distracted by your book. What's it about anyway?" He asked curiously peeking over her shoulder to get a better look at the book she had been reading.
"Nothing." She gave back
"So you ain't talking to me about nothing anymore?" He was hurt by her obvious avoidance of conversation with him.
"What do you mean?"
He quickly reached into his pocket and withdrew the telegram throwing it on the desk before her.
"That's what I'm talking about!" He said angry. She unfolded the paper and started to read her eyes widening at the thought of him reading it and what it said.
"Did you read this?" She asked fearful.
"When did you intend on tellin' me about this?" He asked as if he knew what all this was about.
"I meant to...I really did," she answered, "I wanted to be sure. I just saw no reason to worry you too."
"Sure about what?" He queried his voice softer now that she was finally talking to him. "Is this about you?" She realized that there was no turning back now.
"No," A single tear escaped her eye and she lifted her hand to wipe it away. But Sully was faster and wiped it away with his thumb before she had the chance to. "It's Katie…"
"What's wrong with her?" He asked when she stopped speaking once again.
"She's almost two and she's still not walking."
"So what's wrong about that?"
"Normally children start walking around the age of one. At first I thought she just needed time, but I've been worrying about it more and more recently."
"And there's nothing you can do?" She just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head.
"You could have told me, you know that."
"I know." She whispered her eyes dropping to the floor.
"Hey," He lifted her head with his thumb meeting her eyes, "Why did you lie about that medical conference?"
"You know about this?"
"Yep."
"But how?" She asked curious changing the topic.
"Andrew," Sully said knowing her well enough to not let her change the topic. "But what did you do in Denver if there was no conference?"
"I took Katie to see a colleague…" She admitted, "I wanted to be sure there's nothing I could do."
Sully took his wife into a tight embrace letting her shed the tears she had been holding back for weeks now. For several minutes her heaving chest and quiet sobs racked his and her body and they shared their fear and worry. Sully couldn't stand to see her so devastated, but he knew if she couldn't do anything, he couldn't either. But he knew one thing for sure; he wouldn't just give up on Katie like that. She would walk even if it took her longer than other kids.
"She's gonna walk!" He whispered into Michaela's ear, caressing her hair lightly.
"How do you know that? You read the telegram." She mumbled in the crook of his neck.
"She's gonna walk. Trust me!" He closed his eyes, praying to the spirits that he didn't just lie to his wife.
No that they had spoken about everything, the atmosphere in the homestead was better, much to Brian's and Colleen's relief. When both their parents talked during dinner and even smiled at one another, Colleen cast Brian an approving look and a wink. She was going back to college the following week and was glad that there were no serious troubles at home she would have to worry about.
Brian was glad about the change in atmosphere as well. Ever since he had noticed the tension between his parents he had had trouble concentrating at school. It even went as far as getting a bad grade in his arithmetic test. Something he would have to confess sooner or later. But no that everything seemed to be alright again, he didn't worry about that very much.
Michaela was, even though she was still worried about Katie, relieved that she had finally shared her thoughts with Sully and knew she'd sleep much better that night.
Sully was happy to see his wife slowly returning to her old self and had, not like her, already made a plan how to handle things.
The next day when Dr. Mike got ready to go into town Sully offered to stay home with Katie and she readily agreed, knowing she would get more work done without her daughter.
For a couple of weeks Sully stayed home with Katie during the day, when Dr. Mike would work at the clinic. Even though it was still in the backs of their minds, they were adjusting to this lifestyle and accepting things as they were. Michaela didn't worry as much about her little girl as she used to, knowing she was in good hands with Sully and still remembering his promise. He had never broken a promise to her and she hoped for him and herself that he didn't have to.
"Thank you Mr Hall. I'll see you next week then." She shook the old man's hand and closed the door behind him before she turned to pack her files away and take her coat to go home.
The weather was getting hot and she knew they would be able to go swimming in just a few weeks time. She was already anxious to get rid of her thick clothes and share some time alone with Sully at the waterfall. Blushing at her thought and noticing that she didn't have these sorts of thoughts in a long time she enjoyed the ride home even more than usually. Somehow she had a really good feeling today and the sunshine and the light breeze of air only added to that. When she neared the homestead Sully and Katie were already sitting on the front steps waiting for her. He was holding Katie lightly at her dress and they both were grinning broadly. Hopping down from Flash, Michaela saw from the corner of her eye that Sully had let go of Katie and was standing to walk over to her. So she turned around ready to greet them both.
She couldn't believe the sight that greeted her eyes. Katie, her little Katie was slowly trying to stand up and finally succeeding she started to wobble over to her mother reaching for her with her little arms. Tears sprang to her eyes as her little girl's knees gave way under her and she fell down in the mud with her face down. But she didn't start crying but looked up at her parents with her dress and her face all dirty, grinning from ear to ear.
"Supise, Mama." The little girl said.
Michaela immediately went over to take her daughter into her arms hugging her tightly.
"Surprise, Mama." She heard Sully's voice in her ear and turned her head to kiss him lightly on the lips.
"So that's what you've been up to?" She asked smiling.
"Especially the part with the mud…" He replied chuckling.
She couldn't believe him. He had never broken a promise and right now he had proven to her that he never would. She knew she was the luckiest woman alive.
"I love you." She said as she kissed him once again.
"You better!" He answered teasingly but kissing her in return, knowing everything in the world was right.
The End