Title: Satisfaction Not Guaranteed
Rating: T (for some swearing and sexual references)
Disclaimer: Alas, it's not mine, and never will be.
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8/18/2006: SOOOO...Chapter 2 has been completely redone...and since I guess I made a huge, horrible mistake of uploading Chapter 3 twice, chapter 2 would have been pretty new anyway.
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Chapter 2: Lawyer Request
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You've reached my voicemail. Name and number and I'll get back to you. Except if you're one of those girls who's looking for Syaoran Li, because I'm not going to give you his number. But feel free to leave your number for me! BEEP!
Wow, Hiragizawa. Using your voicemail to try to hook up with girls that are interested in me? Anyway, any new news on this dilemma yet? Maybe a lawyer? If you haven't gotten one yet, HURRY UP, or I'll, I'll do something that I'll think of later.
You don't have to be so, like, harsh, about it! And I thought that you, like, sounded, like hot, too. You know what? Like, fine, I don't need your, like help, I'll, just, like, meet him myself!
Yeah, it's, like, me again. This is, like, a very emotional time for me, and you, just, like, made me, like cry!
And no, I'm not, like, leaving my number!
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To: Andrews & Fib Law Firm, CSI 2 Lawyer's Agency, Sean Jon's LFS
From: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
Sub: Lawyer Request
To the above mentioned, respected, law firms:
We, at Li Corp., are in need of a lawyer. Out previous lawyers from the A&F Firm have left us because of quite unlucky circumstances. While we do miss their presence, we feel that they were not very experienced, compared to the experience and power all of your law firms have. So, to the point, so I do not take up all of your time, it would greatly please us if you would consider becoming out partners in law. We do and will pay you greatly. Thank you for your time.
E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
'The future of innovation.'
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:07 AM
Hey Li
Who rules now? All three firms have replied to my m-mail. So ha.
Hiragizawa
P.S. If I didn't get a lawyer, you would do something you'd think of later? What kind of threat is that?
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:08 AM
H.
Your childish taunts are quite amusing.
So putting that aside, what did they say?
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10: 09 AM
Li
I haven't read them yet.
I'm still basking in the glory of knowing that you would be dead meat without me.
Hiragizawa
P.S. Too ashamed to rebuke to your sad, sad threat?
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:11 AM
H.
You know that I could fire you right now, right?
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:12
Li
No. I didn't.
You wouldn't.
Hiragizawa
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:13 AM
H.
I can.
And I would.
So. Hurry up and open their damn reply!
L.
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To: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
From: Andrews & Fib Law Firm
Sub: Re: Lawyer Request
Mr. Hiragizawa. We at Andrews and Fib feel that we should decline your request.
Why, you might ask?
Simply because you, at Li Corp., are a bunch of IDIOTS! We used to work for you- A&F Andrews & Fib? Goodness, we knew you were a tad slower than Mr. Li, but this is ridiculous! You say we left because of unlucky circumstances, when it was really because of your…your…your…shall we say it? Yes we shall. Your DICTATOR like boss! Mr. Chang needed a day off to have a very, very necessary kidney implant, and he tells him to go work on his fifty forth sexual harassment case, which have all (the sexual harassment cases and every other mundane thing Mr. Li has had us do) been sent to every other law firm in the country.
Good luck finding a lawyer now! No one handles sexual harassment cases like us, anyway. After all, we are Andrews and FIB.
And don't get us started on how inferior A&F is to Andrews and Fib.
Here's hoping you get under the mistletoe this upcoming Christmas season and have to kiss a skunk.
Thank you for your time.
Andrews and Fib Law Firm
'We're no Pinocchio- Pay us, and we'll get you out of it.'
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To: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
From: CSI 2 Lawyers' Agency
Sub: Re: Lawyer Request
Wow.
Fifty four sexual harassment cases…
Tell Li he is so cool!
I mean he is horrible. Please refrain from asking us to work for you again because no amount of money in the world is worth it.
CSI 2 Lawyers' Agency
'Who needs originals, when you have us?'
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To: I'm so impressed!
From: I'm so impressed!
Sub: I'm so impressed!
Sorry, my boss was watching me. Rock on dudes. You guys are too cool. Fifty four…he is my hero.
-Name cannot be revealed because this person still wants to keep his job, despite how impressed he is.
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To: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
From: Sean John's LFS
Sub: Re: Lawyer Request
Mr. Hiragizawa
Even if we were a law firm, we still wouldn't agree to your offer. But luckily, we are Sean John's Leading Food Service, so we cannot help you.
What would the S stand for?
Sean John's LFS
'Where quantity comes before quality.'
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:23 AM
H.
So. Have you finished reading yet?
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10: 25 AM
H.
It shouldn't take you this long. I think I had taught you how to read quite well.
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10: 27 AM
H.
Answer me NOW!
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10: 28 AM
H.
It appears your vocabulary skills have disappeared alongside your reading ability. Now means at this moment!
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10:29 AM
H.
Then again, you wouldn't have been able to read that…
L.
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Magik M.E.M.O
September 15
10: 31 AM
HIRAGIZAWA!
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Mr. Li?
What is it, Lily? It better be good. You know I hate to be interrupted.
That's not my name!
It's not?
No it's, oh never mind. Anyway, your messaging staff just wants you to know that Mr. Hiragizawa won't be able to read any of the numerous M.E.M.O.s you've been sending for a while because he hastily left fifteen minutes ago.
Hastily left, huh?
Yeah, it was like he was running from a hive of bees or something. Oh, he knocked over that glass statue of you in the front, too.
'…'
Mr. Li, your face is turning quite red. Did you eat something with blueberries in it? You should know by now that you're allergic to them.
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To: M. Li, Agent 012
From: Tai's House of Law Agency
Sub: Your résumé
Miss. Li:
I am afraid that after a wonderful four years with you, the board, feels that you should go. We are all terribly sorry, but it has been decided. There has just been some…opinions of yours that have torn the company apart, and we cannot have that. However, we will thank you for your time, and wish you well in the future.
Tai's House of Law Agency
'We breathe law.'
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To: Oh My Goodness
From: Oh My Goodness
Sub: Oh My Goodness
Tomoyo
They fired me. FIRED! They said it was because of my opinions, and, you know what? It damn well was. They didn't like my 'feminist' views. Even though I've never lost a case for them! Well, that male-dominated place will regret the day that they sacked me. ME! ME!
Meiling
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FireAngel: You know what?
ChiChi: You…you…wait for it…you love Eriol?
FireAngel: Ha-ha. Very funny. ; )
FireAngel: But, no, seriously, guess what. Syaoran needs a lawyer SO bad.
FireAngel: And do you know where Tomo is? I sent her an m-mail hours ago.
ChiChi: I know, but this is important because?
ChiChi: I mean, no offense, but that pervert kinda deserves to get sued one of these days.
ChiChi: She's probably making plans. You know her friend Sakura Kinomoto is coming, right?
FireAngel: No, but I could be his lawyer!
FireAngel: Yeah, can't wait to meet her.
ChiChi: Come again?
FireAngel: You know how that big shot lawyer agency in Taiwan that I worked at just fired me?
ChiChi: I don't like where this is going…
FireAngel: Well, if I can win one of Syaoran's cases, they'll curse the day that they let me go.
FireAngel: Come on, Syaoran's sexual harassment cases are legendary.
ChiChi: Yeah, but you just got out of this…horrible time in your life…could you handle it? And they're not going to just give it to you…I'm sure Li won't be thrilled…
FireAngel: Yeah, but Eriol will…
ChiChi: What are you saying, Mei?
FireAngel: You'll see, Chi. You'll see.
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Taiwan is a bitchy place. BEEP!
Ok. Nice…yeah. Um, it's Tomoyo…Um, do you need to talk?
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Knock, knock, knock!
Open up Hiragizawa!
Knock, knock, knock!
If you know what's good for you, dude, you better open up!
I'm not here!
Dude, Li brought a gun!
'…'
Ha, you owe me twenty, Li. Told you I could get him to open the door.
You brought Yamizaki? He's your gun?
He wanted to come! Wait, don't change the subject! I need to talk to you. In private. That means you Yamizaki.
Fine. I'll go to the bathroom, and let you two lovers have the living room.
You're lucky I'm occupied right now.
So, Li, old buddy, old pal. What could you possibly want?
Oh nothing. Just wondering how you could embarrass me this much! Within the last thirty minutes, I have received countless m-mails from law firms all over the country saying how evil and pathetic I was, and that I deserve to get sued! Well?
…Yes…?
What. Did. You. Do.
Oh wait, what do you know? It's 12:00! I have to go to therapy! Bye!
Wait, you bimbo…come back here!
Li, where did he say he was going?
Why do you care Yamizaki?
Because I thought he said therapy. And he doesn't have that until 4:00.
HIRAGIZAWA!
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To: Tomoyo
From: Mei
Sub:
Don't worry about me, Tomo. I'm fine. I'm just planning the downfall of that hellish place, is all. Nothing bad. Perfectly innocent.
Meiling
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To: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
From: Tai's House of Law, Agent 012
Sub:
To Mr. Hiragizawa:
I, coming from the private, but highly respected law firm of Tai, have decided to offer my solitary service to your company. Contact me if you would like my services…but honestly, at this point, I think I'm all your company has.
Agent 012
Tai's House of Law
'We breathe law.'
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To: Tai's House of Law, Agent 012
From: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
Sub: Re:
Alright, you got it. But I need to check you out. Security purposes, of course. So, sir, I'll see you at Sushi House tomorrow at noon?
E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
'The future of innovation.'
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To: E. Hiragizawa, Li Corp., V.P.
From: Tai's House of Law, Agent 012
Sub: Re: Re:
I'll be there.
Agent 012
Tai's House of Law
'We breathe law.'
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If you think I'll call you back- You're mental. BEEP!
Hey Li, we got a lawyer! I'm going to meet them tomorrow at noon!
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Mr. Hiragizawa. How nice to see you. But you know your session isn't for another three hours.
I needed to talk to you, but don't worry, it'll only take a few minutes.
How very convenient it is then, that you happened to stop by during my break.
Tell me about it, huh?
All right, tell me, what is wrong?
Well, you see, I think I'm in trouble.
Yes...
Well, actually, not me. I think 'my friend' is in trouble.
My. Hiragizawa, I have been with you for five years. I think you should have figured out that I know who your 'friend' is.
You should know all my friends...After all I pay you a hundred dollars an hour to listen to me.
Oh never mind. What's wrong with your 'friend', now?
Well, you see I feel as if, I mean, my friend, feels as if his friends don't give him enough credit for things. Actually, not really. More just that he thinks that his friends boss him around too much and think that he will do whatever they say. And my, I mean, his one friend who's a girl, seems to be more on edge for the past couple of months ever since Li's cousin. Meiling Li came into town. I mean, not to her, but to him.
Mr. Hiragizawa, my next client will be here in a couple of minutes, so I'll make this brief. Tell Mr. Li and Mr. Yamizaki that you are in control and will hire someone to beat them up if they don't give you any respect. And for your friend who is female, think about what's wrong. What's bothering her. Maybe she feels that Miss. Li has been stealing herr attention from you.
Are you sure she's not just pregnant or something? Oh, she's probably on her period!
For a couple of months?
Irregular periods?
Good bye, Mr. Hiragizawa.
Dr. Zang, you're not going to tell me to tell my friends how I feel?
Do that only if you want to be ridiculed for the rest of your life by them.
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Miss. Li. Anything wrong today?
Yeah. You see, Dr. Zang, I kind of have this problem with my 'friend'.
Miss. Li, I...oh never mind. What's wrong with your 'friend, now?
Well, you see, she just got fired from her big agency job, and now to g them back, she kind of e-mailed this company, in which I, I mean she, knows the bosses and C.E.O., under her old screen name that her big-shot company forgot to delete, and now, she feel a bit scared of what's going to happen to her. Because the bosses and stuff will kill when they meet her tomorrow.
Miss. Li, if I were you, I would just ask mr. Hiragizawa and Mr. Li if they would like you to represent them.
I was talking about my friend...
Right, and I am Superman in disguise. Good day, Miss. Li.
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Miss. Daidouji, how can I help you?
Well, Dr. Zang, you see, I have...
Wait, let me guess. 'Friend' problems?
How did you know? And what's with the air quotes?
Oh, lucky guess is all. Nothing, with the air quotes. Just for decorating the conversation, tis all. So what's wrong with your friend?
Nothing, just, she feels I think, jealous of her new friend because she's taking up all the time of her best guy friend. And I think she might have feelings for him.
You, I mean, your friend, or her friend?
Um, both?
Miss. Daidouji, tell Mr. Hiragizawa how you feel. He might believe you are pregnant?
Naw. Eriol's a bit dumb, but he isn't that stupid.
What?
You'd be surprised. Good day.
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Hey, you've reached Tomoyo. Name, number, and I'll call you back. BEEP!
AHH! Tomoyo my psychologist, I mean, friend is Superman! How awesome is that?
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a/n: I'm pretty sure Li's not allergic to blueberries. That's all.
Hope you liked it!