Satisfaction Not Guaranteed
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Sexist People and Spoiled Bitches
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Wow. This is more…stuff than you needed. More than I need.
Yep. So if you ever have another hot night planned…You know who to call.
Yeah, I guess you're right. But I don't think I'll have any of those nights any time soon. The baby is coming in a couple of months.
A couple? Don't you mean seven or eight?
Yeah. So?
Never mind, that's not the point. I'm just saying you can still do it when you're pregnant.
Tomoyo! I don't want a perverted baby! And besides, what kid in their right mind wants to see their parents doing it? It'll scar the poor child for life!
Chi! The kid can't see you doing it!
Or can it? It'll grow eyes soon!
Can it?
I don't know!
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All right men, are you ready?
Ah hem.
Alright, but what's the big deal? There are only five of you!
Excuse us five!
Fine, fine, all right, men and women, are you ready?
…
When I ask if you're ready, I want to hear an answer, not sure and whatever. So ARE YOU READY? Hey wait, where are going? You can't get in without me! Well, wait for me!
Hey!
Oh, you women again?
What? Is it our fault you didn't wait for us?
Yeah, you sexist man!
WHAT? I AM NOT SEXIST!
Really? Then why do you follow the men? Huh?
Cause that's where the majority is! I take the majority! If you were in that group, I would have followed you! How hard is that to comprehend? Oh wait, let me answer that…It's NOT!
So you're calling us dumb now?
Holy crap. And I don't even know who the hell you are.
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I am not going to an art gallery with you! I absolutely refuse to! No, no, no! I am putting my foot down! I am the man in this relationship, and you will honor my wishes! This is not what I planned to do in Paris! Nope, not at all. I do not want to answer people when they ask me what I did in Paris, that instead of shagging you on top of the Eiffel Tower, I went to an art gallery!
So when you jumped on that plane, that's what you were thinking about? Our activities on the Tower?
Come on, you have to admit it sounds hot. I mean my dick is getting hard just thinking-
Auntie Sakura! My daddy has a dick too! And he has an ouchie on it!
…
Li shut up and stop laughing!
Yeah, whoever you are! Better think next time before you talk about your dick to my sister!
Oh. Hi Touya! How's the infection?
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HI UNCLE YAMIZAKI! YOU'RE SO SMELLY; IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE!
Wow. I guess I should have listened to Chi this morning and not had that breakfast burrito. Well, I guess you're lucky that I didn't come over right away, because I swear I was farting like old men, which is quite unattractive. Did you know that the real reason why old men are allowed to talk is because that how much times they fart each hour is how much they are respected. When young people fart, they're just making fun of the elderly, so that's why it's quite rude! You see, the king of Egypt was the original, fart-master as you might call him. When he was seventy years old, he farted over one hundred times in an hour, so-
Wow. Talking to yourself and telling yourself lame stories. That's got to be a first.
Oh hey, Rachael! Where'd Natasha go?
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For the last time! I don't think you're stupid! You're some of the smartest women I've ever met!
How would you know that, if you don't know us!
Yeah! So that means you're lying to us! Ohh….
Just because we're women doesn't give you the right to lie to us!
You are a rebel mister!
Mister? Who in the world calls me that?
So you are lying to us!
Where's the devil when you need him?
You want to kill us now?
Please God. I haven't done anything wrong! Well, not anything TOO outside the law! I guess breaking and entering is illegal, but I haven't done anything yet…Oh screw it. If you are grateful for my contributions to this world, you'd take my life from me now!
Oh my goodness! He's going to kill himself and then frame us women for it so we'll have a bad name!
Oh, my fucking God, please just take me!
Telling us bad words? Now you're trying to take away the purity of our minds to match the dirtiness of yours?
He's not doing that, stupid! He's gay! Duh.
How do you know he's gay?
He said 'God, please take me!'
What makes you think God's a guy? Are you sexist too?
I'm a woman. How can I be sexist against women?
Oh dear God, Hiragizawa's crying.
I would too; if I found out I was gay.
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I thought that Chi was supposed to come over and help mend this problem.
She was going to, but I figured that since she was pregnant, that I'd do it for her.
Oh really? That's sweet.
I thought so too.
…
…
All right, I want to know what she promised to do for you.
You and I, both.
She didn't tell you?
Nope.
Not a word?
Not one.
Did she go somewhere?
Yeah, over to Tomoyo's house.
Well, I guess all I have to say is…HAHA.
What?
I know what the 'surprise' is.
You're not going to tell me, are you?
Do you have one million dollars?
No…
Do you know that American rich man, Vill Cates?
No…
Do you-
No, ok? NO NO NO NO NO!
Ok. I was just going to ask you if you knew how to stop Tasha from yelling, but I guess you don't!
No, wait, I do!
All right. Well she's in her room, and good luck!
Wait, aren't you going to tell me?
Let me put this in a phrase that you'll understand- NO NO NO NO NO!
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Daddy, I need to go bathroom again!
All right, sweety, you go right ahead!
Daddy, I've went one, three, five, eight, seven times already!
Don't be silly, this is only the fifth time!
Cause you keep on feeding me water!
It's good for you, baby, now run along.
Ok, Daddy!
…
…
You sick father.
When you have two jobs, you have to make room for both of them.
I didn't understand a word you just said.
WHEN. YOU. HAVE. TWO. JOBS. YOU. HAVE. TO. MAKE. ROOM. FOR. BOTH. OF. THEM.
When I said I didn't understand you, I didn't mean that I couldn't hear a word you said!
So shall I explain to your virgin ears what each word means? I mean, they have probably never even heard of a dictionary before.
You know Kinomoto, I'll have you know that no part of my ears are virgin. I can assure you that!
Wow, Li. That really makes me want to make you my brother in law now!
Touya, did you give Savanna more water so she'd go to the bathroom again, leaving you guys to finish your glare fest?
Hey, we argued in a civilized way!
I heard the word virgin. And then the word 'parts'. How civilized is that?
Well, you see…Oh never mind. You had to be there.
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All right, Tasha. Listen, ok? You don't yell at people you care about…You yell at people that piss you off. That's all. If you yell at people you care, about, then they'll get mad at you and not care about you at all.
No? Really? Uncle Y? But I yelled at an older boy I liked. And he yelled at me back! I tought we were meant to pee!
Don't you mean meant to be, baby?
That's what I said! Meant to pee!
No, you- Oh forget it. What exactly did this boy say to you?
He told me that I was just a spoiled bitch and that I have a loud mouth!
How old is he?
Twelve years old. He's so cold.
Cold?
Yeah, you know. Good looking!
…Right…
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To: Not a Virgin
From: Not a Virgin
Sub: Are you still a Virgin?
So…Sakura…What's going on, hmm…? Has he, you know, um, deflowered you yet, huh? I bet it was great. Eriol's pretty good, too. We did it this morning. I think. We both got really drunk. So it could have been a frozen hot dog weenie that went through, and I wouldn't know. Oh crap. I hope that didn't happen.
I could have gotten screwed by a hot dog weenie.
Tomo
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MidnightRendezvous: You could have been screwed by a hot dog?
KawaiiCherryBlossom: Yes! I'm really scared! I mean, I lost my virginity to a hot dog!
MidnightRendezvous: At least the dog was hot! Get it? Hot. Dog. Ha. Ha?
KawaiiCherryBlossom: ---
MidnightRendezvous: I'm just joking, Tomo. I mean, don't be scared. I'm pretty sure that's impossible.
KawaiiCherryBlossom: When are you going to get home? I think that'd make me feel better.
MidnightRendezvous: Listen, my flight's tomorrow. Before I get home, talk it over with Eriol. Okay? He'll tell you that he was the one who screwed you all goodly.
KawaiiCherryBlossom: Goodly? Is that a word?
MidnightRendezvous: I don't know. But it's not showing the red squiggle that it usually does when a word's spelled wrong. We could go look it up in a dictionary to be sure!
KawaiiCherryBlossom: You're such a dork Sakura. Thanks.
MidnightRendezvous: No problem See you, tomorrow, okay?
KawaiiCherryBlossom: Yeah. Bye.
MidnightRendezvous has just signed off at 11:11PM.
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Who was that?
It was Tomoyo.
What did she want?
I don't think I should tell you.
Why?
Cause I would lose her trust if I told you.
Uh huh.
Yep.
You just don't want me to burst out laughing at her.
Heck yes.
Saku, I'm you're boyfriend, and couples don't keep secrets from each other.
No. Don't even think about it.
…
Fine. But I'm going to stalk you until you tell me.
That's the worst threat I've ever heard.
It wasn't a threat, it was a comment.
That was so a threat!
It was a comment.
Threat!
Comment!
I think we should take this to the bed!
The bed?
Yes the bed! Does someone have a problem with the perfectly fine bed?
Yes, someone has a problem with the bed! Cause someone wants to do…something on the bed!
Yes, someone wants to rest their leg on the bed because someone else's brother kicked it extremely hard!
Oh. That's…what….you…want to do. Ok. Well, you did get a good punch in on his arm…if that counts.
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You've reached the voicemail of Hiragizawa. If you're expecting a call back, that's too bad, because I'm extremely busy right now. But it's not like I call you back anyway.
Hey Eriol? It's Tomo. I need to talk to you. About something that I…lost. I kind of need you to help me…find it. So call me?
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All right. You know what? You are stupid women, and I wish you would die a horrible death right now! It's one in the morning! What the hell are you doing calling me sexist and those other things I'd rather not say about myself?
Fine. Hiragizawa, you're not sexist at least. But you are under arrest.
Thank- WHAT? Is that a police badge?
Yes. My sister works for your company. I saw the m-mail you sent her about the R.O.L.D. business. It's illegal to break and enter, Mr. Hiragizawa.
That's in invasion of privacy!
Don't change the subject!
Sorry. It was worth a shot. Wait, but are all of you police women?
No, they're my teen-aged children.
…
Mister, I'm not going to let you go if you sleep with me.
DAMN!
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Sorry for the late update. My fault. Yeah, it was a bit (ok, really) dialogue heavy, but it'll get less when Saku and Syao get back next chapter. So hang on!
XOXO