Disclaimer:I don't own.
Author's Note: It's a bit long, but I couldn't stop! Hope you enjoy!There will be an epilogue, hopefully in the next few days! Thanks so much to everyone who's read Reawakning and this one...I hopethey've been worth the time:) And thanks SO muchfor your reviews. They've been so great to read! And mean a lot to me.
Convincing
Chapter 23 - Go to Sleep
"Okay, Jackie, you need to take off those glasses now. You'll be getting your anesthetic soon."
Jackie glared through her precious glasses at the nurse who stood next to her, bearing that sickeningly sweet smile meant to be reassuring. "Why can't I wear them during the surgery? I mean, it's not like they're going to be operating on my face." Her eyes widened at the horrifying thought. "Oh my god, what if they screw up and do?"
The nurse chuckled and idly tucked the sheets in around Jackie. "Don't worry. You have the best surgeons in Point Place operating on you."
Jackie rolled her eyes. Best in Point Place. Not very reassuring. She sighed and lay back on her bed.
"Now come on." The nurse gently removed the glasses. "Don't worry. I'll take good care of them. They'll be waiting right here for you, okay?"
Jackie stared up at the nurse. Her entire body felt weak, limp, like she'd lost her life force or something. At least she still had her shirt. She could pretend it was Steven's arms around her. And at least he was here. Right outside her room. Thinking about her. Worrying about her. Loving her.
Unlike my parents. They should be here. My mommy and daddy should BE HERE!
"I think your family wants to see you before we take you to the OR. You feel up to it?"
Jackie turned her head to her left side, where the nurse was now doing something, she wasn't sure what, on the table next to her. She looked at the woman in confusion. Were her parents actually here? Had they come to surprise her? How had her father gotten out of prison? And how had her mother torn herself away from margaritaville? "My family?"
The nurse nodded. "That group who've been hanging around all day." She made a face. "Gotta say that some of them are a little….well…odd. I think that tall, good looking one was hitting on me." She grinned. "If I wasn't married, I might think about it!"
Jackie giggled, and a soft rush of affection quickly evaporated the slight tinge of disappointment in her stomach. Sure, they weren't technically her family, and they all had their flaws. Some of them major ones. But though most of them had never said it, she knew they all, in their own way, loved her. Even Eric. Even Red. They'd all been there for her, and were all still here for her.
They weren't leaving.
They were her family.
Tears filled her eyes.
What if I never see them again?
"Jackie? Do you want them to come in?"
She nodded, and though she tried, she couldn't keep the little girl out of her voice. "Yes, please."
A few minutes later, the group was gathered around her bed. She'd been given her anesthetic, and was told by the doctor that it would take about ten minutes to take effect. Ten minutes. Ten minutes to say goodbye to seven people who had become her family.
Donna stood next to Jackie, to her left, and held Jackie's hand. She smiled, trying to stop the strain in her eyes she knew would lead to tears. "So, Jackie, that scarf looks really pretty. Maybe you shouldn't even bother with the wig. Think about it, you could start a whole new fashion!"
Jackie giggled, but her smile quickly faded. "Donna, look," she said, her voice soft, shaking.
Like she was just about to die and had to say something important.
She squeezed Donna's hand. "I just…I'm sorry that I always called you a lumberjack and made fun of your clothes." She shrugged her shoulder slightly. "I just…I mean, you're my…" Her voice broke, and she had to close her eyes briefly. "You're my best friend, and sometimes I think you don't know that."
Donna's face twisted. How was she supposed to keep her composure? How was she supposed to face this without crying? "I…Jackie, I know that." She barely recognized her own voice. It sounded choked and forced. Alien.
Jackie ignored the tears on her cheeks. Easy enough. She'd shed so many of them lately. They were almost comforting to her now. She was still alive if she was crying. "You gave me a place to live when I had no where else to go…and I just…Donna, I just…." A gasping breath. "I love you."
The tears burst out of Donna wildly, and she had to clutch her mouth closed in order to keep even a smidgen of breath in her lungs. She stared at Jackie. Her best friend. Formally so perfect and beautiful, now in a hospital gown, with a red scarf wrapped around a hairless head, with circles under her eyes and no make up. Her best friend. Who might…who might be about to die. "I love you too, Jackie." She bent down to give Jackie an awkward bed hug, and found herself sobbing into the tiny girl's shoulder.
Fez grinned and clapped his hands. "Now we're talking. Donna, give her a kiss."
Everyone glared at him, save for Donna and Jackie. He shrugged innocently. "What? Not appropriate?"
Hyde rolled his eyes and looked back at his girlfriend. Damn it. He wanted everyone to go away. Yeah, they were Jackie's friends, hell, her family, and they deserved a chance to say goodbye, but she was his. His chick. His pretty little dollface. His. He sighed and pursed his lips.
Damn it, Donna, hurry up. Hurry the hell up. It's not like she has forever. Not like I have forever with her.
Donna pulled up and wiped away her tears, managing to smile down at Jackie. "Enough of that, midget."
Jackie nodded, but still looked at Donna. "Hey, do you remember the first night I lived with you?"
Donna rolled her eyes. "Yeah. You played ABBA all night."
"Not all night, god, Donna! Don't you remember we talked all night? And you told me that Eric always makes you hold HIM after sex?"
Eric gasped and glared at Donna as the others looked at him and chuckled. "Donna!"
Donna shrugged, and winked at him, then looked at Jackie. "Yeah, and then you told me how Hyde loves it when you play with his hair."
Hyde glared at Jackie, then at everyone else. "Get bent. All of you." So what if it was true?
God. Her fingers in his hair. Her nails lightly scratching his scalp.
God, I have to feel that again. I HAVE TO.
Jackie stared at Donna. "I'm…I'm gonna miss you, Donna."
If I can miss anyone when I'm dead, that is.
Donna's face contorted. "Don't say that, Jackie!" she cried. "God! You're gonna be fine. I know you will. Okay?" She dropped Jackie's hand and walked away from the bed. She just couldn't handle this. Her best friend could very well die. She walked towards the door and stopped. Her head lowered, and she buried it in her hands.
I'm gonna miss you too, midget. So much.
The others came to her side to say their goodbyes. Jackie began to feel a lethargic dizziness as they passed by her in a blur. Eric and Michael both kissed her forehead. Fez kissed her cheek over and over until Steven reached across her body to push him off of her.
Red came next, and he smiled down at her, slightly awkwardly, but the kindest she'd ever seen. She gazed up at him. "Mr. Forman? You're more of a dad to me than my real dad is. I…if I ever…" She glanced to her right, at her amazing Steven. He'd been holding her hand the entire time, not willing to let go, she gathered, from the tight fit of his hand around hers.
And it gave her strength. Hope. She had something to come back to. All she had to do was fight to come back. Fight to come back to Steven.
"When I get married, do you think you could walk me down the aisle?"
Hyde watched with a slight smile as Red, the indomitable, cranky old Red, became choked up. He swallowed several times before he was able to manage a smile and reply.
"If I do, will you stay the hell out of my basement?" He patted Jackie's head softly as she giggled. When he spoke again, his voice was low and soft. "Of course I will, Jackie."
Another kiss on the forehead, and Jackie wanted to close her eyes, but was afraid to. If she did, she might never open them again. Ever. And so she started her fight by struggling to resist the intense exhaustion that was tingling slowly down her body. Mrs. Forman came up to her bedside, and Jackie smiled at her. "Mrs. Forman, I was wondering…do you think I could call you Mom every once in awhile? Cause you're always here, and you always act like…a mom, and I…" She scraped her teeth across her bottom lip. "And I love you like a mom."
Kitty cried softly, and leaned down the the suffering, precious girl abandoned by her real parents. "Oh, sweetie, I would be…well, I would be honored if you called me Mom. Whenever you want to." She kissed Jackie's cheek firmly, leaving her lips there for a long time. "We love you, Jackie, and when you wake up, we'll all be here, okay?"
Hyde tapped his fingers on the side of Jackie's bed impatiently. There was that selfish desire to not share her last few…no….NO….this time with her with anyone else again. And finally, when Mrs. Forman finally stood up and wiped her eyes, when Jackie turned her head to look up at him, he knew it was finally his turn. He glanced at the others. "Uh, do you think you could…you know…give us some..." He waved them off.
The group scurried away, but didn't leave. Hyde rolled his eyes when he realized they were only going to gather at the door and nothing more, but decided not to bother fighting it. No time.
No time left. No time to say all the things he really should say. The things he knew he couldn't say.
Jackie looked up at Steven and tried to smile. He did his best to smile back.
"So…you, uh, you got your shirt?"
She nodded and pulled the top of her gown down slightly to show him. "My shirt." His finger traced the top of it lightly, and she sighed. Would his touch feel the same after the surgery? Would she even feel his touch again? She shook her head. No. Fight. Fight. For Steven. "So…you're…you're gonna stay, right?"
Hyde nodded, his eyes locked on Jackie's face, studying every nuance of her. Imprinting her in his memory. Just in case. "Sure. I mean, where else would I go? Work?" He scoffed, and she giggled. He squeezed her hand. So little.
She giggled, trying to avoid the sadness, the feeling of loss creeping up on her. "I guess I look kind of silly, huh?"
Hyde glanced over his shoulder at the group, who were all staring at them intently.
Aw, screw them. Screw the zen. Screw it all!
"You're beautiful," he said quietly, putting his hand on her cheek. So soft. What had she described her skin as that one time? Soft, creamy, porcelain? Yeah. She was right.
Jackie's eyes filled with the same tears that had already filled her heart. Steven, so handsome in his scruffy way, was here with her, not going anywhere. And she was so scared that this was their last minute together. The last time….god, she was scared. "Steven, when did you realize that you were going to fall in love with me?" she asked almost shyly. She'd always wondered, but never had the nerve to ask.
Hyde sighed. "Jackie, I don't know," he answered, feeling guilty about his answer, and yet, it was the truth. He didn't know. He'd been so busy denying that he had any sort of feelings for her whatsoever, nearly right up to the day that he realized he loved her. But then again…looking back on everything…maybe he did know. Maybe he did know the first time he suspected that she was supposed to be…his.
Jackie smiled softly. Not a surprising answer, and almost reassuring. Steven was still Steven. "I realized it when you went to jail for me," she said. Her voice was drowsy, low, almost dreamy. Exactly the way she felt. "I know you thought that I was just a silly little girl, and I guess I was, but I knew then, Steven, that someday…" Her voice cracked, and she turned his hand over in hers. She put it down on her chest and pressed it into where she imagined her heart was. "Someday I would love you the way I do today. So much, Steven."
He had to swallow hard, at least seven times to keep himself in control. God…how could she love him as much as she did? What had he ever done to deserve it?
And how could he ever, ever live without it?
"Steven, I wrote you a letter that I want you to read if I…if I don't…"
He shook his head roughly. "Jackie, stop it. Don't say that."
"Steven, please. Just…in case. There's so much I want you to know, and I just can't…just promise me you'll read it if I…you know."
Please, Steven. Please. So you'll know…you'll know that you are…were…my dream come true, even though you never thought so.
Hyde closed his eyes. Damn it! He'd never felt as weak as he did right now. Never as scared. Or desperate.
Or as in love. Funny how one had to nearly lose something to realize what exactly it was that one had.
Now he realized. Now he knew how important she was to him. And now…now he could lose her.
He opened his eyes and looked down at her. No make up, her head wrapped in a red scarf, and still, she was beautiful. "Our first kiss. That night in the woods."
Jackie furrowed her brow. "What?"
"That's when I realized that I'd…" He glanced over his shoulder again. They were all still watching, and listening. But for some reason, he didn't give a damn. He looked back at his pretty little dollface. "That I was gonna fall in love with you."
Jackie's heart sped up, and she couldn't stop the smile on her lips. "So…you did feel something that night!" He nodded, and a few tears rolled out of her eyes. She reached up and put a hand on his cheek. "Steven, I did too." She smiled, and her voice lowered into a husky whisper. "Kiss me."
Kiss me until I fall asleep. So that the last thing…the last thing I do is kiss you.
He did, long, sweet, soft. She flickered her tongue against his, and he responded, but kept it gentle.
Last kiss. This could be our last kiss.
He withdrew, but kept his face close to hers, their noses touching, their lips grazing, their eyes joined so that he could almost feel hers inside his. He noticed how heavy her lids were, how glassy her eyes were, and his heart sank. She was just about ready to fall asleep. "Jackie," he whispered, just over her lips.
Jackie shivered. His breath was so hot on her skin, felt so heavenly good. "Steven," she breathed, even as her ability to talk, to think, became hampered by the sleepiness now rising from her chest to her head. She could barely hold her eyelids open, but forced herself to. The blue of his was so comforting. Made her warm. Safe. He was right there. Right there with her.
"Jackie, I love you."
So much more I could…should…say to you. I've never felt this way about anyone…never wanted to feel this way about anyone but you. You're the only one who never left me…not really…the only one who believed in me…Jackie, I need you. I want you. I love you…and I know. I know…god, Jackie, I know.
"Steven, I love you," she murmured, her words slightly slurring. "Kiss…"
He did. Several times. Soft, short touches. Nibbles of her that might have to sustain him for the rest of his life. His eyes opened, but hers didn't.
"Steven, so sleepy…"
So much I want to say to you…so much I want you to know and feel and remember…Steven, remember me. Thank you…for making me stronger…for making me complete…for helping me to grow up…for loving me, even if it wasn't always the way I used to think it should be. It was the way I needed it to be….need it to be.
He swallowed hard, but this time it didn't stop the tears from stinging his eyes. He had to let her go. Now. Maybe forever. His lips hovered over hers, and feeling sicker than a drunk dog, feeling a tear fall from his eye to her cheek, he answered her. "Go to sleep, dollface…go to…" Couldn't breathe again. Couldn't get air. "Sleep." Another gasp.
"Love you…Steven….love…"
He winced. "I love you, Jackie…I'll…I'll be here…dollface."
He kissed her until her lips slackened and didn't even respond to his.
"I love you so much, Jackie."
God, I hope she knows. I hope she knows….
A few minutes later, Hyde stood in the hallway outside Jackie's room, watching the doctors wheel her away. His body was stiff and sore, like he'd been fighting an intense all-life battle with some unknown enemy.
He wouldn't know whether he'd won or lost until the surgery was over.
"Steven? Sweetie, are you okay?"
Mrs. Forman. Her voice, her hand on his shoulder. He turned to her, and for the first time in ages, he felt like Jackie must have been feeling. He wanted his mommy. Someone to make him feel better. Someone to tell him that Jackie wasn't going to die, that she was going to be fine. Someone to care.
"Steven, honey, maybe you should sit down."
Kitty was startled when Steven lurched towards her and threw his arms around her, but she quickly recovered and held him close, stroking his back the way she'd stroked Eric's so often. "Oh sweetie…" Her eyes closed. Her poor precious Steven, suffering for so long in silence. And now it was too much for him.
He was crying, she realized, and her arms tightened around him.
Please, God, help Steven. Be with Steven. Be with us all.
Be with Jackie.
Jackie floated through warm, gentle air. It seemed as if she was riding on a cloud, the ride was smooth and unfettered by any obstacles. She couldn't see anything, her eyes were closed and too heavy for her to open. Had they stapled them shut? So she wouldn't suddenly wake up during the surgery and see what was going on?
She heard murmurings, adult sounding voices, talking about stuff she assumed had to do with the surgery.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Steven!
She could hear his voice. Quiet. Almost as if it was following her.
What are you doing man? Come on, cheerleader, dirtbag…
Getting louder. Closer. Stronger.
Jackie, get your car. We're going on a freaking date… You're really cute, so no one ever told you to shut your piehole…I sicken me because you're supposed to sicken me but you don't…Look, all I'm saying is if you're gonna be my girlfriend, you can't go running around shooting off your big, fat cheerleader mouth…I thought it might cheer you up…It's my favorite one. Look, you're with me now so I want you to have it…I am liking you more and more…
Steven!
I don't want to be with her because of YOU. And ME. Because of US…I'm not going to leave you, Jackie…I'm scared, too, dollface…I uh…well, I mean, I'm probably not gonna be able to be with you all the time in the hospital, and I figured maybe you'd want to have…
He was there. Holding her hand. Looking at her with those eyes. Believing in her. She could feel him all over her body. Maybe he was holding her, and whispering all these sweet things into her ear. Dotting her lobes with tender kisses. Gently brushing his hand over her chest, making a circle over her heart.
God, I love you, Jackie…
The sound of his voice was starting to fade. Everything around her was starting to fade. Her senses were disabling. She was slipping away to whatever fate held for her.
But she could still feel him. She could feel his words, his touches, his love.
Jackie, I really hate your mother…God, I love you, Jackie…Be with me…Our first kiss. That night in the woods…That's when I realized that I was gonna fall in love with you…
It was ending. She could only feel a slight spark of anything inside of her. Slipping…sliding…falling into something…unconscious…unaware….
I love you so much Jackie…Go to sleep…I'll be here, dollface.
Her last thought was of him. Her last feeling was of him. Her last realization was that he would always, always be with her, no matter where she was.
He would be with her. Always.
And she was convinced of that when at last, her mind, her body, her soul found rest.