A/N: This one was done last year in September. Not really beta-ed... the ending is cut short.
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Pairing: Um. None?
Rating: T (some swearing)
Characters: Orochimaru and Voldemort ... I mean has it ever occured to you that they are just both so alike?
Category: Parody and Crack.
Warnings: If you don't know who Orochimaru is, don't read.
Disclaimer: The characters belong not to me. I only use them for my sick twisted enjoyment in weird crack fics.
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He was running out of time.
His current body was running out of juice and it soon wouldn't be able to function properly.
Orochimaru hissed.
God damn all these useless mortal bodies. He needed the perfect vessel but Sasuke with his lovely Sharingan eyes and his young scrumptious body was just not ready yet.
He need more time.
Fuck the stupid jutsu when it can't even prolong the life of a simple thing such as a human body. God he was pissed and he needed a better body now. He could feel he was near to throwing a temper tantrum. Who knows. Who cares. He was Orochimaru for crying out loud. He was one of the legendary Sannin. Though throwing a temper tantrum wasn't going to go anywhere, it all boiled down to the fact that he never had enough time to get comfortable in his temporary body. He had gone through countless bodies and they just wore out quicker and quicker with every new body he got.
So in search of new and better temporary shells, he decided to go travelling. Not that there was much time left with this current body, but he decided he could ditch this rotting shell as soon as he saw a different person with different properties.
Maybe bodies of different nationalities would last longer. Who knows. Who cares. As soon as Sasuke became perfect and flawless, he would take him and he would be unstoppable. The Sharingan were just so deliciously rare and soon he would possess them.
But for now he needed to find a new body. With a few seals he disappeared.
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Voldemort always took pride in himself for being... un-killable.
So imagine his shock when he sees someone suddenly appear next to him without alerting his magical senses and slice at his neck with a sharp shiny object he had never seen before.
Voldemort always took pride in himself for being... unique.
So imagine his dismay when he sees that same person that took a jab at him, look like him. They both had slanting snake eyes and pasty skin and the same hissing way of talking.
Voldemort was the closest to hysteria than he had ever been when faced with the fact he had not killed Harry Potter and instead nearly died himself. No, in fact this Incident was actually worse. A thousand times worse.
No one, and he meant No one, should ever look or act like him. He was unique, better, different, unquestionable, unparalleled, incomparable, unmatched, unsurpassable, unrivalled, superior. Blah. You know. He was so terrifying no one could say his name without flinching.
He was the one and only Voldemort. He couldn't be imitated by some cheap amateur who had just taken a swipe at him.
...
... Though he had not triggered his magical senses when he had suddenly appeared.
...
... And the fact that Nagini actually understood this guy when he had barked at her in a different language which he was sure was not parselmouth. Whatever he said had caused her to retreat.
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Orochimaru stared in fascination at the person sitting across him. After traveling for so many weeks and not finding an interesting body was boring the hell out of him. After all, he missed all the fun planning out ways for... 'toughening' his dear Sasuke. Plus he had already gone through five bodies and they were all weak and useless. And these people had evaded his jab when he attacked. The ones that couldn't evade... well, they died. Now this guy was someone who actually tried to counterattack him. This guy had the same sense of style he had and also had a fetish with snakes. This guy had a special like-chakra-but-not-chakra kind of feel and it was lingering on his body.
He was hot, sexy and evil. He could feel it rolling off his skin and mixing with his chakra. Just feeling it sent shivers up his spine. This was some one he could learn to like.
If he wasn't in such a desperate need of a new body. A pity.
Orochimaru smirked inwardly and summoned a snake smaller than the snake this guy had. It wrapped around him and hissed softly. A fellow snake lover would surely appreciate a rare specimen. He absentmindedly stroked the small scales while thinking of what to say. While he wasn't paying attention, his future body had uttered an incantation while jerking his wooden stick thing. And Orochimaru suddenly understood what the guy had been mumbling. At that he decided to share past or present plans of what he had done. Afterall, those people he told weren't alive to tell of them afterwards.
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Voldemort found himself in front of a person with ideals and desires exactly like him. He just adored this guy (even if he had suddenly appeared and who knows where the hell he came from and what the hell was he, but did he care? No.) and they could create such havoc if they joined up. He practically drooled at the tales this Orochi guy had told him. In return of course, he had to tell about himself, which was most unlike him to do so. Somehow this Oro guy had persuaded him to talk with just a few blinks of his deliciously malevolent yellow slitted eyes. His deeds made him shiver in delight. He felt chills just to think how good he would be in other... skills. He wondered how his long silky hair would feel... and how long he spent on his purple eyeshadow. That was like, a super sexy touch. It brought out his eyes... and wondered what color eyeshadow would work best on him. He shook his head to clear such thoughts out of his mind. Who knows if this guy was a spy or not, he had to be cautious right now. With that thought he said the first thing that came to mind while absentmindedly stroking Nagini's smooth scales.
"DAMN I wish I could blow up villages with a huge ass snake. That's like, so much better than my stupid basilisk that managed to get itself killed by a 12 year old boy! Orochi I lub thee..."
He smiled dreamily and then blinked. Did he just say what he thought he said?
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Um. Yeah. Please tell me what you think of it?