Don't worry. I do know what day it is. Just this had always sort of been the plan for this fic. You'll see why when you get to the end of this chapter...
Anyway. I know I've been around but it feels like ages since I published a long type fic like this. Maybe. Maybe not. I just had hoped to have this to you sooner.
Now, the way that I described this fic on Twitter was that this would be like We're Not Broken, Just Bent with smut. Believe me when I say that I never thought that this was going to happen. I was quite... happy being a 'fade to black' type writer. But it just wouldn't leave me alone and it has actually happened...
For those of you that follow me on Twitter, you will know that I've been saying that this fic is rather dark. Trust me, I am writing the bloody thing and I have no idea what mindset I was in when I came up with this idea. I'm even shocking myself. And, essentially, I don't want to spoil what is going to happen in this fic but I am going to add the trigger warnings that I believe cover the whole story in this first chapter. If I believe any more pop up, I will obviously warn and in the chapters where they heavily occur I will warn at the beginning.
I think I've said before with chapters or works that have been a little dark, don't read if you aren't in the right headspace. As much as I hope I do these difficult subjects some sort of justice, I would hate to think that the twisted crap that my brain sometimes comes up with could and would hurt someone. Keep safe. I've got better, happier fics that you can enjoy. Leave this one, if you have to, until you can read it.
And so we start at the end of Series 4 Episode 8...
TW: Death/grief, attempted suicide, abuse
Chapter One
Rachel felt like she was on autopilot.
Maybe not exactly on autopilot.
Because if she was then she was sure that she would be heading home instead of to her sister's.
Not that she knew why she was going there.
Her sister wasn't going to be much comfort.
But Rachel knew that it was where Eddie was and, for some reason, all she wanted was him.
Him and his brilliantly logical mind that would help her to decipher all of her thoughts.
After getting Steph to Matt's, managing to sum up what had happened in two words, Rachel allowed the events of the afternoon to catch up with her and she knew that it was her fault that Maxine was dead. She had been stupid enough to believe that she could turn around Earl Kelly. Some people just didn't want to change.
But she knew that it would be her head that would roll and she knew that she couldn't allow that to happen. She had always promised herself that she would choose when she left a teaching position. Meaning that she knew that she would have to jump before she was pushed.
So she didn't really know why she was running (or driving) to Eddie. Because she was sure that Eddie wouldn't give her the answer that she wanted to hear.
She was in such a daze that she hadn't even realised that she had arrived at her sister's, got out of her car and had knocked on the door until Philip was in her line of sight. His confused gaze flicked all over her face and she knew that he had never seen her look so upset before. He definitely wasn't expecting her to jump him, bringing him into a tight hug and pressing a kiss to his cheek.
Because she had seen him hanging around with Earl and she knew that Earl had been kind to him. And even though she didn't know the circumstances that pushed Earl into doing what he did, she couldn't stop herself from being thankful that it wasn't Philip in that body bag. Although that thought sickened her as she reminded herself of Steph's words as they left.
"I don't say it a lot. But I love you, Philip." Rachel said as she pulled back. "Where's… your mum and Eddie?"
"Kitchen." He said as he pointed the way.
She felt like he wanted to ask the question but she wasn't going to tell him. There was every chance that he was going to hang about to hear what she had to say to Melissa and Eddie but it didn't really matter how or when he found out.
By the morning, everyone was going to know.
Whether she told them or not.
She stepped into the kitchen and with one look from Eddie, she knew that he already knew that something was wrong, with him standing up properly from his place leaning against the breakfast bar.
"Where did you disappear to? We were going to go to the pub to celebrate but couldn't find you." Melissa said.
"I had to go." Rachel said, hearing her voice shake with every word.
"Go where?"
Rachel closed her eyes to stop herself from crying but she had to open them again, with the body bag being the only thing that she could see.
It wasn't meant to be like that.
She was meant to do it.
She thrived on turning around troubled kids.
That was what she had built her career on.
One slip up in all those years.
"Rach?"
She blinked as she looked up at Eddie, with her not realising that he had moved or that she was hyperventilating. His hands were warm on her arms as he held her up, in the same way that he had done on her first day back. After they were alerted about the gun.
And he was the only thing that she was focused on. He was the only thing that she could focus on. And if she wasn't aware that her sister was in the room with them, Rachel might have taken the leap and taken the comfort that she thought his eyes were giving her. There was nothing more that she wanted to do than be wrapped up in his arms, with her head against his chest. She wanted him to tell her that everything would be okay. She usually hated sweet nothings but she felt like she could believe them if they were said in Eddie's voice.
"She's dead," Rachel whispered.
"W-who's dead?" Eddie said.
"Maxine. Earl shot her." She said, starting to hyperventilate again as she finally allowed the tears to fall. "I don't know everything but that was what the phone call was. From the police. I don't know why they called me. Maybe Steph told them to so that I could see what I had caused. She's right. Any other school would have sent him on his way. But not us. Not me. You understand. Don't you Eddie? You understand why I let the Kelly's stay. Why I needed to be the one to turn around Earl Kelly."
He nodded a couple of times. "Of course, I do." He said.
When he pulled on her arms, she allowed herself to move forward. And she found herself clinging to him slightly as he hugged her. Her head rested under his chin as she screwed her eyes closed, trying to stop the tears. She had no right to cry. It was her fault.
It was all her fault.
For the second time in his life, Eddie felt completely clueless.
The first had been when he had pulled Stephen out of his cot, trying to find out the reason why he wasn't crying like his brother. Eddie was sure that Michael was the first to know that his twin had died. Eddie had become the second. Alison third. The paramedics fourth. The days that followed were filled with a numbness that crippled him and Eddie still couldn't believe that he had managed to remotely function. He couldn't remember being sent home from work, being told to take the two weeks bereavement leave that he was entitled to. He couldn't remember telling the head what had happened. He just knew that once the two weeks were up, everyone knew. And he was sure that was one of the reasons as to why he stopped being himself and why it eventually led to the breakdown of his marriage to Alison.
Because he just didn't know how to cope with the situation.
And he knew that he had seen Rachel upset before. He only had to remind himself of the day of the fire and he could picture the way that her voice shook as she told everyone that she used to be a prostitute and how she was when he finally went to face her in her office. That whole day really. She hadn't been the woman that he knew.
This, however, felt worse than that.
He thought that he was giving her some comfort but he was sure that the shock had worn off by the time she had reached them, meaning that when he gave her the chance to let down her guard, she became inconsolable. He felt like he had done his best but he did expect that Melissa would have been more comforting. After all, Rachel had come there. He assumed so she could break down to Melissa. There was no way that Rachel would voluntarily bring her guard down for him. Not anymore. Not after the mess that he had made of their relationship. He felt like he was only just keeping their friendship together by his fingertips.
He almost missed Melissa coming up beside him as he watched over Rachel as she was staring blankly into the distance.
"There's not much more you can do," Melissa said.
"Sorry?" He said as he turned to her.
"You watching over her isn't going to change anything."
"Well, you could have been a bit more comforting. I'm just glad that she came here instead of going back to hers. I'd hate to think how she would be if she was on her own."
"Eddie, you are kidding yourself. This is Rachel. Once it is out of her system, like she has done, she will be fine. It's what happened when Mum died. An hour of tears before nothing after that. Trust me."
Eddie only let out a sigh as he turned his gaze back to Rachel. Because he knew that wasn't true. It was the only real thing that she had told him from her childhood. That their mum's death had broken her in a way that she found herself spiralling and that was how she found herself in the job that she did. 17 and full of grief and alcohol and feeling like she couldn't say no to a job that could help her get out of the last place that she wanted to be.
And Eddie was glad that Melissa said about her going to bed. Because it meant that he could do what he thought was best without having her critic his every move.
He knew the reason for the distance between him and Rachel. Firstly, it had been because of the rejection, with him not taking it well and as Rachel hadn't brought it up, he thought it was best to leave it alone. Then he had kept away because of his blossoming relationship with Melissa. Then it just felt like this silent pact started and they became more and more like work colleagues than the friends that they had become. Which was sad really. Because he loved their friendship just as much as he loved her.
Once it sounded like the door to their bedroom had closed, Eddie made his move, walking over to Rachel and gently sitting on the sofa next to her. He felt like that was the first thing that brought her back into the room, with her blinking a number of times before she turned to him.
"Come here." He said as he held his arms open to her.
He didn't know whether she would fall back into his arms. Earlier, it felt like he had pulled her into them, without her protesting. But he knew that now her mind might have caught up to where she was and who she was with and she might refuse him on that thought alone.
But she did move to rest her head against his shoulder as her arms wrapped around his middle. His arms went around her waist with him finding himself to move into a position where it was comfortable for the both of them.
It should have been a rather comfortable silence but Eddie felt like he could hear Rachel's every thought. And the longer she stayed silent for, the more worried Eddie became about what she was thinking.
"It wasn't your fault, Rachel." He said, trying to get her to talk to him.
"Isn't it?"
"I don't think you gave him the gun and told him to kill her with it, did you?"
"Steph's already given me her 'I told you so'. Tom will be next."
"And if we did throw him out, he might have done it sooner or it would have been someone else. If we threw him out, it could have been Steph, with him thinking that it was a way to get him away from Maxine. Or Tom. Because we know there is no love lost there. Or God forbid, Davina. Or it could have been me as I've been dealing with him recently." He stopped as his throat closed up at the thought of the next person he was going to say.
"It could have been Philip," Rachel muttered. "To get back at me. I've never understood it. Why he picked Philip out of everyone in the school."
It wasn't who he was going to say but the thought caused his chest to constrict in a horrible way. Philip might be his step-son-to-be but he already cared a lot about the boy. And thinking that Rachel could have lost one of her two family members caused his heart to hurt more.
"Or it could have been you."
"That would be the best option out of all of them."
"Why?"
"Because it is my fault, Eddie."
"I can't see how you think it is."
"I thought you understood." She said as she abruptly pulled away from him, standing up to create that distance between them. "You said that you understood."
"You aren't making any sense, Rachel."
"The Kellys?"
"We accepted them into the school because we don't leave anyone behind and because everyone deserves a chance."
She shook her head. "Any normal head would have sent them packing after Denzil. They wouldn't have seen Marley as the good kid that he is, with him looking after his siblings more than his mum does. Or Sam who probably just wants the chance to settle down somewhere. Or little Prince who is the only one who doesn't see what his mother is like. This wasn't about us being progressive as Steph said or because they deserved a chance."
"Then what was it about?"
"Me. Being selfish. Trying to prove to everyone that I still had it. That I still could uphold the reputation that I had spent years making."
"Rachel?" He said as he slowly stood up. "I don't understand. What do you mean?"
In an instant, Eddie knew that something had changed. Maybe not between them but something had changed.
He assumed that he knew Rachel. He assumed that he could read her better.
He was very quickly realising that he had assumed wrong.
Maybe he did before the fire.
After was proving to be a rather different affair.
"Don't worry, I'll add it to the list." She said.
"Add what to what list?"
"My ever-growing list of mistakes."
"What mistakes have you made?"
She huffed. "I can go through it if you want."
"Not really. I just want you to talk to me."
"Why did you do it then?"
"Do what?"
"Save my job. Why didn't you take that headship? I know you've always wanted it. It was yours for the taking."
"I wanted it when it was promised to me the first time. I wasn't going to kick you when you were down."
"Maybe you should have done."
"I didn't want to. I knew who belonged in that role."
Rachel laughed. "Really? I belong in the headship?"
"Yes."
She shook her head. "It was the first mistake that I made in the last couple of months. Realistically, I should have taken the opportunity."
"What opportunity?"
"The one to get out before I did any more damage."
"Rachel, this is madness."
"Madness? Eddie, what is madness is being the head of a school where you know that half the parents complained about you to the LEA and having a head of governors that hates your guts before you could even meet him. I have more people trying to drag me down than pull me up and I am slowly losing those that are pulling me up."
"That's not true."
"And you. I have no idea what you are doing."
"I am pulling you up." He said as he took a step closer to her.
She looked up at him and he was sure that she was studying his features, wondering if he had meant what he had said. And he did mean it. He was trying to pull her up.
"Well, I am not going to let them drag you down with me." She said.
"You're not going to do what I think you are going to do, are you?"
Instantly, she lost eye contact with him, picking up her blazer that had been on the arm of the sofa.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Home."
"Don't be stupid."
Her gaze instantly shot up at him. "I can do whatever I like Eddie."
"Rachel, it is late and you are in no fit state to drive. Take the spare room."
"I think I have long outstayed my welcome."
"No, you haven't. I want you here. I am glad that you came here."
"You might. But does Melissa really want me here?"
"Stay, Rachel."
She shook her head. "I don't want to make another mistake."
As she started to move, Eddie knew that he couldn't let her go. He didn't really care about what she thought was right or about her mistakes. The last thing that he was going to let her do anything stupid. And he felt like letting her leave would be letting her do something stupid. She was better off staying where she was.
"You aren't leaving." He said, managing to get in front of her before she got anywhere near the door.
"Eddie."
"I don't care. I don't want the next phone call from the police to be about you."
"Another mistake then. I should never have come here."
"Why do you keep talking about mistakes? You are allowed to make them. You are as human as everyone else, Rachel."
"Because I keep making them. More so since I've started Waterloo Road."
"What happened that day? On the last day of term?"
"Was my fault. I shouldn't have allowed Stuart to get to me."
"No, I shouldn't have gone to my mate at the council. I shouldn't have been the reason why Stuart lost all his contracts. I was the reason your secret came out. Not you."
She shook her head.
"For God's sake, Rachel." He huffed. "It was my fault."
"Okay. Maybe you can have that one thing. But I have the fire and the exam irregularities and Melissa and the Kellys. Even you. What a big mistake that was."
"What do you mean me?"
There was only a beat before Rachel moved. If anything, Eddie thought, at first, that she was trying to leave, to get around him to avoid the question. But it was very clear that she was answering the question as her lips met his and he was sure that he shouldn't have melted into it as quickly as he did.