"...hasn't left his bed in ten days..."
A pang of guilt.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing the OWL's are over, then."

"…six detentions…"
Indifference.

"Isn't that a good news for him?" She started putting her books back on the shelves.

"Alright, look sweets, I didn't just walk into a library to walk out empty handed, savvy? Please!" Sirius begged.

"I hardly see what this has to do with me…"

"What do you suggest we do?"

"Not my fault he made a complete fool of himself…Let him wallow in his self pity. Maybe he'll rot and make a sufficient science experiment." She started making her way toward the door.

"You don't think that's crossed my mind already!" exclaimed Sirius a little too loudly. The librarian was staring.

"Sirius, you are being too loud and too demanding. If I were to for some reason decide to climb under my imaginary a rock for the rest of eternity like he has, he would be the last person I wanted to talk to, and I'm sure that's the same for him."

The librarian was making her infamous librarian noises to indicate that there was something going on she didn't approve of; noises that consisted of finger tapping and a long series of 'ahem-ing'.

Lily went to leave with Sirius close behind.

"Lily, I think the reason he is depressed is because you turned him down the other day… quite publicly if you recall."

"Turned him down? There was nothing to turn down," she said slightly confused. "That was just his way of getting attention. Making him look better after looking like a jerk in front of everyone." They were now stationed just outside the library.

"No, Lily," Sirius was using a kind voice to explain, "That was his way of pretending like it didn't matter. Like he didn't care if you said yes or not by throwing it out there like that. But it does matter to him! He hasn't left his room Lily! He has hardly talked to anyone… you know he's not like that."

"He hasn't talked to anyone?" she asked as if to be reassured.
"Well, there was this one time a couple days ago when in asking if he was alright he informed me that the giant squid took his blanket away and no body could get it back but the giant dancing pretzel sticks…" She gave him a weird look. "Please, Lily. He needs something."

And there it was again. The look that she saw on his face that one morning at breakfast- the look that reminded her of her own loss. She thought of the death of her aunt, both metaphorical and physical. She finally saw that Sirius was afraid of the death of James.
She nodded. "Okay," and they headed up toward the common room.

For the past week, James was haunted day and night by the fact that his parents could die any second, by the fact that he might never see them again.
'Are they crazy?' He thought, 'do they know what they are doing?'

And now James didn't even know what he was doing anymore. For as long as he could remember he wanted to be an Auror, but now he finally knew what that entailed. He didn't feel like he could leave his room, because even if he did, he wouldn't be leaving the awful things that were happening. People were actually killing hundreds of people, and justifying it. He couldn't escape the pain his best friend went through, the pain his own parents put him through. And he couldn't get away from the fact that his parents could die, at any given place, any given time.

He felt as if something bigger than he was, something he couldn't see completely, was taking away what he knew; his comfort. Like a greater power, larger than life led him to where his is now. Led him to realize what life was really about. That life was just a circle that no matter where it started, ended in death.

So what was the point of getting out of bed?

So he stayed…

Lily knocked.

No answer.

She turned to look at Sirius.

He shrugged. "What do you expect him to do? Invite you in for a tea party? He's depressed for god's sake. Just go in." He made his way down the stairs, "I'll be in the common room."

…and he was, for all of about two minutes, which was about how long it took Lily to run back down the stairs with wide-eyes and in an urgent tone of voice saying:

"He's. Not. There.

Remus and Sirius were running around the dormitory frantically while Peter and Lily stood awkwardly in the corner with wide eyes. Through the window behind them the sky was turning different shades of pink and purple and the moon could already be seen.

"… the cloak is gone…"
"… where did you put the map?…
"… I don't think he's in the room…"
'Of course he's not in the room! How could he be?'

"… well if we had the map, we would know, wouldn't we Sirius?"
"It's where it always is, Remus!" Cried Sirius, still rummaging hurriedly around the room.
"Black! I am not going in you underwear drawer!"
Sirius paused long enough to raise his wand and yell, "Accio Map!"
The drawer of Sirius' bureau thrust open and the map, as well as a few pairs of underwear, flew out. Remus grabbed the map and spread it out on the bed.

None of it made sense to Lily. James was not one to just run away. Then again, he wasn't one to lock himself in his room for days on end.

What made him this way, then? What was he hiding from? Surely it couldn't be because of their argument the other day. They have had plenty of fights, good and bad, but he never reacted this way. She convinced herself there was no difference between the argument at hand and the arguments before.

And why had he been talking such nonsense? 'The giant squid had taken his blanket?' For as long as she could remember, no matter what James said, it had depth to it. He wouldn't just randomly say something like that. Unless… he didn't.

"He's at the lake!" She blurted. Sirius and Remus looked up at her in surprise. "Look! Check! See if he's there!" She demanded as she grabbed her coat.

"Your right. The north side! How did you know?" But it was too late. Lily was out the door already.

The boys followed. But Lily had been stopped at the door, and the slow- reacting boys behind created a very near domino effect. She was stopped by Professor Hobbs in the door frame. "Err- excuse me, professor." She urged.

"I'm sorry, but there has been an emergency meeting called in the great hall. Everyone needs to come... there has been a disaster..."

Lily looked from her professor to the boys. She saw the look in their eyes and knew James was more important.

"Um, yes, professor. I'll be right there, I just- erm... need to go to the bathroom first." she nodded trying to convince.

"Mrs. Evans, I suggest you take the quickest pee of your life." The uptight professor
with his proper voice saying such a thing almost made Lily laugh. But she decided to save it for later and with a look at the boys she was off to the north side of the Great Lake.

Lily arrived on the hill where James was staring into the lake about right when the sky was turning dark. She sat next to him, saying nothing.

… and they stayed.

"Lily, have you ever seen the Giant Squid? I mean, all of him?" His voice was nothing but a whisper.

"No, James. I haven't."

"Isn't it funny how we are so small in comparison? I mean, what is just one of us compared to something as big as him? Something we can't even see all of…"

"Yes, I suppose that is funny."

"Do you ever feel, Lily," he asked, still barely managing a whisper, " like something bigger than you has taken something you need. Something you need to feel safe? Like… your blanket. But then you realize why should they care, because they are so much bigger than you, in a lot of ways, and you're just… nothing?"

She nodded. "You have no idea"

"No, I have a great idea. My parents could die, Lily. If I don't have my parents, then I will die. Inside. And Sirius, he doesn't have his parents. Is he dead inside?"

Lily wasn't sure how to answer. "I- I'm sure Sirius is fine, James. He's just worried about you at the moment, I think."

"Yeah…"

…and they stayed a while longer…

" James… death is… well, a part of live we have to accept." 'Hypocrite.'

"It's hard. It's really hard… but… why? Why do we have to die?"

"James, it's one of those things you can't question. One of those things where you can't ask why."

He looked shocked. "No!" He stood up, "Don't tell me I can't question it. Of all people, you can't tell me that!"

"I'm sorry, James!"

"NO! Why won't you tell me why? TELL ME WHY!" There were tears in his eyes and he was shaking.

"I don't know!"

"I always felt I could ask why with you! There was no body else but you! I never could, but then I met you, can now I can! And now when it really matters I can't anymore?" it was like he couldn't stand being still, yet he remained in the same place.

"James, I'm sorry. Sit. Calm down!" She demanded. "You can ask me why! But I DON"T KNOW EVERYTHING! You're right! That is what our friendship is based on. That is what everything is based on! It's the most important question in the universe! It's the only way to get answers. Unfortunately, sometimes, there are more questions than answers out there. That means there are questions without answers attached to follow. 'Why death?' is one of them. Death is something we don't understand. Maybe we are not meant to. And it is not something we can defy. Not yet. And not on our own."

James sat, whispering again, wiping tears from his eyes. "Lily. I'm sorry."

The moon was full in the sky and the air was cold. "And you know James, Death is inevitable, so it's best to do what you can with life while you have it."

"Yes, Lily, I know… Lily? What I said the other day? I meant it. It might not have sounded like it, but, I will stop if you go out with me. I'll stop being depressed, more than likely…"

She smiled. There was no question in her mind. He was perfect for her and she knew it. And right there, in that instance, everything was perfect.

And then she realized - that's what was wrong. It was perfect. Her mothers voice rang through her ears, 'Not everything can be a fairy tale Lily, nobody is perfect.' She backed away. She just knew something had to be wrong. She might not be able to see it yet, but it was too good to be true. Anyway, she knew what would happen. She would become too reliant on him. And he would leave her, one way or another. And then she would be left, hurt, just like how she was with her aunt. It was so perfect that it wasn't perfect.

"James, I'm sorry…" She whispered. And then ran…