Note: The title comes from the Natasha's Ghost song "Everything Stops Here."
The Grave of What I Used to Feel For You
I try to tell myself that we still love each other, and that's all we need, but there's something missing in our relationship now. We've both been busy with work lately, but it's more than that. We've begun to grow apart.
When we first got together, I thought that what I felt for her was special. I thought our relationship would be perfect. I think I thought of her as some sort of balm of Gilead, to heal my heart from its past battering and to heal the trauma in my psyche.
She did heal me, helped me let go of the past, and on good days I feel like I'm completely normal again. But some days I still feel so messed up, my feelings in disarray and my heart raw and bleeding, and I wonder if there's any hope at all for me.
Every time there's been the faintest hint of a possibility that she might have betrayed me, I lose it. I either push her away, or become jealous and overprotective, insisting she tell me everywhere she's going and accusing her of lying to me. I cry. I manipulate her. And I hate myself for it. Even now that my feelings for her have changed, my behavior hasn't. It's frightening, and I know I have to do something, soon.
It's gotten to the point where I look back fondly on the time I thought we were just friends. It's ironic, because at the time all I wanted was a relationship with her. The grass is always greener.
Even sex has become a chore for me, now. Something I do because it's expected, because it's a necessary part of our relationship. It's not that I don't get physical pleasure out of it-- I do-- but somehow I just can't muster the enthusiasm anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
She kisses me, and I kiss back, and we touch each other's bodies with knowing hands and lips. But I'm not really there, I'm not focused on what we're doing; All I can think about is the fact that our relationship is dying, and I am mostly to blame.
I bring her to orgasm with my mouth, and she returns the favor. And I'm close, I'm close, but I'm too distracted, I can't fucking come, and I close my eyes and think about someone else. I'll feel guilty about it later, but it does the trick, thank god, and I'm coming, I'm coming and it's over.
Afterwards, she smiles at me so sweetly, so tenderly, and I feel like scum. No, scum doesn't even come close. I am the thing that's so disgusting even scum won't touch it. I don't deserve her anymore, if I ever did. I tell myself that's a good justification. I'd be doing the right thing, giving her the opportunity to be with someone worthy of her, someone who can be good to her in a way I can't anymore.
I'm not the best lover for her anymore, and it's time she knew.
I gather my courage, and tell her. She cries, as I knew she would. I've hurt her terribly.
But in spite of my guilt, my overwhelming emotion is relief. It's over now. I've done it. I'm free.