Chapter 5

Over the next few weeks, Hiei lived two lives.

In one, he pretended everything was normal. He spent a carefully calculated normal time amount of time with Kurama and slept at his house on rainy nights. They mutually avoided the topic of Kenrin.

In the other life, his shadow life, Hiei carefully masked his energy so that Kurama could not sense him and unapologetically stalked the couple. Not a date between Kenrin and Kurama passed that Hiei was not also present. He studied every move Kenrin made, and every smile or frown it brought to Kurama's face. He puzzled over the romantic gestures that made Kurama's face go soft, wondering how he could emulate them. He was, in short, trying to learn how to be Kenrin.

The process was agonizingly painful. Hiei had never known what true willpower was until the night he sat still as stone, fists clenched in his lap and katana still within its sheath, while Kurama shared kiss after heated kiss with someone not himself. He couldn't watch, but he couldn't leave, either; he remained frozen, numbly telling himself that it would be over soon. He couldn't face Kurama for a few days afterward; he knew his face would betray everything if he did.

One night after a pleasant date he nipped ahead of the happy couple to be waiting for Kurama at home, and was surprised when Kurama entered his room with tears in his eyes. He looked up, startled at Hiei's presence. Hiei frowned; since entering the house, he had been making no effort to disguise his energy, and the fox should have known he was here.

Kurama looked at him helplessly, and Hiei suddenly understood the tears. He was in mourning for Kenrin, for a separation that had not yet occurred. "You're making this hard on yourself, fox," Hiei said softly.

Kurama nodded. And then, he crossed the room and without speaking, put his head on Hiei's shoulder and began to weep.

Hiei's eyes widened. He patted Kurama's back awkwardly, at a loss for what to do. He was more than uncomfortable, but Kurama didn't seem to expect any more comfort from him than his presence. So Hiei remained there until Kurama had cried all the tears he had to cry, and pulled away from him. When he looked at Hiei there was gratitude in his eyes, but there was also something else. It was the something else that kept them looking at each other for far, far too long.

Not long after that, Hiei was again shadowing Kenrin and Kurama as they went for a walk together in the lazy summer sunset. Hiei was envying the easy way their hands fit together and wondering if he would look stupid doing the same thing. When they stopped and sat together on a park bench to watch the stars come out, Kenrin's arm went so comfortably over Kurama's shoulder that it both perplexed and infuriated Hiei. I really have been an idiot, he reflected grimly. It's obvious to everyone but the two of us that I want him. And now that I've finally realized it, I can't tell him.

Hiei was too busy in his own thoughts to pay total attention to the conversation, but he noticed when it stopped and looked down. There was tension in Kurama's shoulders. "Shuichi?" Kenrin inquired.

"Kenrin, my... my name isn't Shuichi. Or rather, it's only one of my names."

"What are the others?"

"I can't tell you."

By now, Hiei's attention was so riveted on the conversation that the slightest noise would have startled him right out of his tree. "Then why did you bring it up? I don't understand."

Kurama took one of Kenrin's hands in both of his. He was not looking at him. "Kenrin, I... I really care about you." Kenrin's shoulders took on their own tension. "But... I have to end this."

There was a brief silence. "Why? What have I done?" Kenrin asked softly.

"You have done nothing but act wonderfully towards me, Kenrin," Kurama said, his voice heavy in its sincerity. "You've been perfect. It's me. Something about me, and I can't tell you."

"Shuichi, I deserve an explanation."

"You deserve much more than that. You deserve someone who can love you, someone who's as good as you and I..."

"Stop it." Kenrin cupped one side of Kurama's face in his hand, and Hiei inched forward along his branch. "Stop right there. Don't you dare put yourself down in front of me, and don't you ever feel unworthy of anything. Now tell me what this is really about."

Hiei ached with inadequacy, hearing the tenderness in Kenrin's voice and knowing he could never reproduce it. Kurama turned his face slightly into Kenrin's palm. "There are things I can't tell you," he said simply. "Things about my past, and it affects us. I should never have been with you to begin with, I knew I couldn't kpee you. I just..." Kurama shrugged. "I just wanted to. I'm sorry."

Kenrin leaned forward to try to kiss Kurama, but Kurama turned his face aside. "You're not making sense," Kenrin said, tightening his arms around Kurama in compensation for the missed kiss. Kurama didn't try to throw him off, but he looked miserable. "I can't imagine anything you could have done or anything that could have been done to you that would change... don't you see how much I care about you?"

"I do see," Kurama said softly. "That's why I can't let it get any farther than this."

"But you're not in charge of who I chose to love," Kenrin said firmly. "Now tell me what this is really about, and I'll tell you how little it matters to me."

Kurama didn't answer. He sat silently inside Kenrin's arms, and Kenrin watched him intently, and Hiei hovered over the scene, invisible and paralyzed. And the word love lingered in the air.

tbc

IMPORTANT A/N! I have two endings in mind for this story and I have decided to write them both, splitting off from this point. I need reader's votes as to which ending you would rather I write first; the more conventional, happier ending, or the less conventional and more poignant one. Thanks!