Clean Break
by Trisana McGraw
Author's Note: Written for the livejournal community tammydrabbles, prompt 16: habit. Set post-LR, following the fan-held idea that Raoul and Buri had a previous relationship at least partially motivated by his drinking problem.
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Even hunched, Raoul towered over her, but Buri regarded him coolly. She detested what had become his customary stance because it was less than a year ago that nothing could have cowed this ostensibly invincible man.
When he lifted his head, however, his face was filled with life, the likes she hadn't seen since they had first met. "I don't know how much Thayet or Alanna has been telling you," he said slowly, as if he had trouble forming the words, "but I – I'm giving up drink. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm going to break this vile habit."
Joy surged through her, hot and uplifting. "Raoul, that's wonderful!" she cried, surprising herself with her own exuberance. "I'm proud of you." She reached for one of his big hands, but he twitched it out of her grip. Not understanding, Buri searched his dark eyes, stunned that although in a matter of months she had witnessed in them a wide array of emotions – passion, drunkenness, rage, misery – they were unreadable now.
"I have to break the habit," he repeated in that strangely hesitant tone, "meaning all of my unhealthy behavior."
It took a few moments for his words to register; Buri took in a sharp breath, and her lower lip began to tremble. She hurriedly bit down on it, but her eyes remained trained on his face.
Raoul heaved a mournful sigh. "Buri, you don't deserve the way I treated you."
"I – I know," she stuttered, "but you're going to change – you've shown that already. It wasn't all bad between us, not all the time. I could help you . . ." She reached for him, but this time he took a step away from her. Her hand hung between them, fingers curling on air.
"What we had was not a relationship," Raoul said, his voice soft but steady. Buri stood her ground, gnawing on the inside of her cheek until it bled. She was determined that he didn't see her shake. "I took advantage of you in every way. You deserve more than what I could offer, sober or not. It's better this way," Raoul mumbled before turning aside and shuffling away from her.
Buri squeezed her eyes shut, but hot tears leaked anyway. Her breath caught on a sob, but she didn't care anymore if he heard her. The memory of him kissing her in his doorway . . . one large hand stroking her cheek . . . his whispered sweet nothings . . . flooded her body with heat. But this heat was different, driven by fury. The recalled endearments dissolved into smoke; unhealthy throbbed in time with her blood.
Raoul didn't run back to comfort her, didn't even turn around. She fired a silent string of K'miri curses at his rapidly receding back until her throat was raw with the effort of holding back her screams. How, she demanded to know, how was it better to leave her with a broken heart?