This chapter was written to make La-Bella-Luna happy, my very first (and up to now only) reviewer. Thanks for not only reading but also liking the story! Inspiration and motivation come with reviews and nothing else... To the rest of the world: Sorry I continued this crap, but I just had to... Plot bunnies of the ugly, scabby, dangerous kind are nagging on me.
Disclaimer:
1) I don't own Tas. You can't own kender, really.
2) I don't own Laurana. She'd only drive me mad, I guess.
3) I don't own Tanis. If someone cut his tongue out to stop him from whining, I'd take him, though. (licks lips, talks to herself gollum-like) Niccce elvvvesss...
Warning: strange nonsense (and getting worse), and still bad English
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Tanis's Obsession (still out of character and out of plot- and timeline, don't say I didn't warn you)
After Kit's rapid exit, only a few men seem to be disappointed (mostly those who have been too busy drooling to listen to what was actually said). Crysania (though neither a man nor an elf and thus in no danger of being forced to do nasty things with swords) is the most relieved person in the room: the danger of extracurricular fistfights has reduced immensely. The only problem is that she now has to find a new guest speaker. She takes an encouraging gulp from her flask and looks round the room. Funny how all those faces are blurring... The only unmoving, unlikely-to-escape person she finds, is lying unconsciously on the floor -and better off this way!
It is Tanis Half-elven, only waking up from shameshock-induced coma with frightened little squeaks of "No, Kit, nonono!", as the cleric takes him by the collar and drags him to the speaker's chair unceremoniously. The chair, however, is already occupied.
A kender is standing on it, getting ready for the performance of the day. "Hi, I'm Tasslehoff Burrfoot," his annoyingly cheerful voice announces happily. "Be good, folks: everybody say 'Hi Tas!'" He waits eagerly for his audience to respond, one hand behind his ear. Ice-cold hostily ebbs towards him in waves and easily freezes the wet floor over. Only a chorus of kender voices gives him a 'Hi Tas!' in unison with a cheerfulness that matches his own. Whoever suddenly notices he has been standing close to a kender all the time, begins searching his pockets for missing belongings. Since this results in a lot of sreams as "Filthy little thieves!" "Blasted kender!" and so on, Tas is suddenly confronted with a very lively audience -much to his delight. "Yes, folks, I love you, too!"
Crysania, still pretty drunk, can't decide whether to remove him with as little public damage as possible -by gripping is topknot and flinging him out the window for instance- or do nothing and let him be strangled by her helpful fellow addicts. She lets go of Tanis's collar (allowing him to breath for the first time in three minutes).
"Well, folks," Tas starts, "I'm not addicted to anything -a good thing, don't you think? Saves me so much money!-, so you might wonder what I'm doing here. See, you're all feeling bad -which I can understand, judging by the looks of some of you- and if someone feels bad, I tell them stories to sort of cheer them up, you know." Agonized groans from the crowd. "I mean, such a funny story is a lot better than all this boring talk about drugs and sex, isn't it? What about a story on Tanis? You all know Tanis, don't you?" After the last half-hour, the question is rather superfluous: even those who have never seen the half-elf, have gained a good impression of his character. "Once, uhm, so five or eight years ago or perhaps nine, oh, no not nine, seven most likely, we were all still living in Solace: Tanis, Flint, Kit, Raistlin, Caramon and Sturm... No wait that must be longer than seven years ago! Do you know Sturm, by the way? He's that knight who always refused to watch the girls bathing at the fountain with us, though that was such an awful lot of fun, because... Well, I was talking about Tanis and there was this one evening, when he..."
Crysania sees this as her one and only chance to step in and seizes it. "Well, Tas, dear," she says softly and soothingly as a cleric should, not betraying the disgust she feels for every life-form lower than herself (which she considers every living being -except maybe the gods- to be). "Why will you not let Tanis tell the story himself? I am sure it might help him, with whatever problem brought him here, to talk about his feelings!"
Tanis shoots her a manacing look, but seats himself at the chair that Tas has obediently vacated. The audience is grinning. Random shouts of "Boots, Tanis! Where's the boots?" and "Sword-fixation, Half-elven?" cause outbursts of heavy sniggering.
Tas pokes his friend in the ribs. "Come on! Tell them the story with that dress and how the dwarves fell in love with you!" he begs. Aloud.
Crysania looks rather bewildered. "That does not sound like a story that could help us help us here!" General disappointment. "Come, Tanis, there must be an obsession that you have, otherwise you would not have joined us here, after all. And talking does help! Nobody will judge you here!" Chuckles from the crowd.
"Well... okay." Tanis's face loses its permanent blush and becomes the very picture of sadness, self-pity and lost hope, adding well to his tragic posture. Everyone in the audience realizes: this is going to be another long, boring night. "I'm Tanis. I'm obsessed," the half-elf confesses. "I'm obsessed with Kitiara." Sighs, nods of sympathy -a lot of people share that particular problem (though some have overcome it this night). The only good aspect to it is that Kit-obsession doesn't even cause half the brain-damage of Crysania's magic herbs. "This is quite a messy situation, because I've been married to Laurana for several years now. Not that I don't love my wife -I absolutely do- but well... the whole thing is getting ugly somehow." His speech is so slurred and slow and generally tedious that several people have already begun to tear their cloaks into long stripes and knot ropes of them. It's difficult to tell whether they plan to make their way out the window or hang themselves. "The worst thing is, I don't even know why! She always makes me do embarrassing things and usually in public places, too... Kit, I mean, not Laurana." He rubs his upper arms in remembered pain. "And now my wife locks me in the cellar, everytime I call Kitiara's name in bed, or in the bathroom, or... let's say pretty much every time I say anything at all." He looks up for consolation, but only finds disbelieving stares. Laurana is a very slight woman and the thought of letting oneself be bullied by her is a bit ridiculous. Audiences aren't very compassionate, these days.
Crysania frowns. The first corpses are already dangling from the ceiling. Tika has decided to resign. To clean a mess like this has never been part of her contract. She tries to write a notice, but since she has never really learned to write, this might take more than just the evening.
"Well, Tanis," Crysania advances the desperate half-elf. "Maybe we can rid you of your obsession. That might save your misled marriage, too," she adds as an afterthought. "Just think of all the terrible and embarrassing things she ever made you do. You can't love her anymore then, can you?"
Tanis looks up at her, the slightest hint of exasperation creeping into his eyes. "I don't love her. I never did. I'm obsessed with her. I only want to sleep with her and it's getting worse every day because I'm so damn frustrated!" He almost spits out the last words.
Crysania smiles happily. "Anger is a good sign. Negative emotions are the first step of distancing yourself from the object of your unhealthy desire!" Several people frown at her, then realize how drunk and drugged she is and refrain from commentary. "We have heard various... let's say scary details, already. We will thereby be able to enact one of these embarassing situations to remind you and reawaken your disgust. Tas, will you please go and find a dress?" Tas, beaming with pride -his is a heavenly mission indeed- jumps away happily. Tanis makes an unhappy face. (Yes, even unhappier than usual!)
It is silent. A few more AAA-member hang themselves rather than face death by boredom. There are so few heroes in this world.
The awkward silence is broken when Tas returns, waving the most shockingly ugly dress seen on Krynn since the Cataclysm, courtesy of Tika Majere. Tanis snatches the proferred garment, his threatening glares smothering any comments from the crowd, and pushes it over his head. It is much too short and looks strange with his solid hunter's boots. The half-elf crosses his arms, causing several seams to creak. He doesn't know what to with the arms instead, so he gestures at Crysania in exasperated fashion. "Okay, I'm wearing the stupid dress! And I am still obsessed. Happy now?"
Crysania -unimpressed, though he is quite good at gesturing- pokes the air with a reprimanding finger. "It's only the first part of your therapy! We must make it realistic in order to work, remember?" She turns to the crowd. "Do we have any swords here?" Everyone in possession of such an item clutches it protectively and tries to look inconspicuous.
"You can't let him keep that beard, can you?" Tas interrupts, beaming up them innocently. "It doesn't go with the pink ruffles at all!"
Tanis -amazing how something can still shock him after all this- goes pale instantly, all anger forgotten. "No, not my beard! I need that! It's my only camouflage for places where they don't allow elves! Well, except naked on the stage of course, but that's not where I want to..."
"TANIS HALF-ELVEN!" An angry scream -high-pitched but still allowing a guess at the beautiful voice that produces it- pierces the air and makes practically everyone jump guiltily. A blond-haired beauty with a silent (because frightened) baby in her arm storms into the room like a revenging Fury.
"Does that have to happen every time?" Tanis mutters under his breath. "And I didn't even say the word 'brothel' right out!"
"You met that warrior again! Confess!"
Tanis's green eyes grow wide. This is NOT good. "W...well, she was here, yes, but, I swear, I didn't... please, believe me!"
"But Laurana, my dear," Crysania welcomes the elven girl. "How did you know she has been here? We knew why we did not invite you, after all." She sends a sideways glance at Tanis who is busily fighting tears of fear and desperation.
Laurana's lower lip starts trembling in a worrying manner. "I cought her as she let her dragon piss into our garden!" She is basically screaming again.
Tanis flinches. "But, lovey-dove! That was certainly nothing personal!"
"Nothing personal? It was my flowerbed! All my perfect roses! Can you even imagine, what dragon-piss does to them?" Tanis looks as though he doesn't very much want to know that, instead wants to be anywhere but here -and be it the Abyss. Laurana, the rage of years unleashed all at once, will not to be easily stopped. "Do you even know you ruined my life, you egoist? You made me leave my home, my family and my canary Sheila!" Enraged she turns to Crysania. "Can you imagine he asks me to wear my brother's boots in bed?" Crysania raises a cultured eyebrow at her. Tas is less tactful: "And? Do you?"
Laurana sniffs a little. "What do you think where our children came from? I even wore chain mail in bed!" She turns her attention back to her violently trembling husband, who looks very likely to lapse back into his coma soon. The elven princess's voice is deceivingly sweet. Last chapter's puddles of (mostly) male saliva on the floor get a little stickier with the dripping honey. "Why exactly did you say you were wearing a dress, my love?"
Tanis looks down himself, than back up at her. "Therapy?" her ventures, having learnt this new word tonight.
Tas jumps in happily: "He told us how Kit had him wearing dresses and Crysania wanted to see it, too, which was a good idea because it looks terribly funny and so we just asked Tika and..." Tanis clasps a hand over Tas's mouth, but it is too late.
"THIS WOMAN COMES HERE AFTER ALL THIS TIME AND YOU START PLAYING HER PET-ELF AGAIN WITHIN FIVE MINUTES?" Laurana's voice doubles over with shrieking.
"No, love, no! This time it was not for Kit! Just the opposite, actually! I'm trying to overcome my ...ahm... little problem and Crysania offered help. She said the best method of healing was a confrontation therapy and so, here I am, wearing one of Tika's ...well... dresses..." Tanis stammers, red-faced. He only gets the opportunity to talk at all, because Laurana has screamed herself hoarse. After a while he stops by himself because he notices his sentences get less and less coherent and nobody is listening, anyway.
Even Laurana has turned her face towards the door. Crysania has passed out again, but not from the herbs this time.
It's the groupie syndrome now.
The crowd has parted to allow entrance to two newcomers, both dressed in long, black mage's robes and heavy travelling cloaks, one of them bearing a staff with a dragon's claw holding a crystal on top.
"Oh-oh," says Flint Fireforge who has just come to a belated rescue of his friend, after sleeping on the hearthrug for five hours completely unnoticed. And he repeats it for better understanding. "OH-OH!" Then he runs. Screaming.
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Shit! That was even sillier than the first one... (frowns with self-disapproval) I seem to love making people do and say silly things. Poor Tanis! (And did you notice his mood changes every three lines?)
Review it anyway, please... That's not hard, is it? You might guess whose turn is next... And you can still decide whose turn it will be after that, by sending me your ideas this way. Doesn't that sound inviting?