A/N:
So... We're almost arriving at the final! Another long chapter, I guess. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for having come this far!
We still have one more stop: the next weekend, I'll publish the epilogue, which will be the official end of this story.
A few weeks later, Donna comes out of her first therapy session with the feeling that every part of her body shakes and tears overflowing her eyes. She closes the office door, tries to extend her kindness to greet the receptionist, and then almost runs out of there. Being alone in the elevator allows her to relax a little, her back rests against the wall, and after a long breath of air, lets her body deflate and brings her hands to her face, the moment she realized that her body trembling wasn't just a sensation. It's real. Her hands shake and she doesn't know how the hell to stop them.
Everything's been too weird. She doesn't even remember what she did, nor how she said it… She doesn't remember whether the psychologist has answered something, or if all she has done was write it down in her notebook. She just remembers the feeling of trying to vomit too much pain too fast.
The elevator brakes and she gets out of there, walking through the hall of the building in haste, looking for her phone in her pocket and calling Harvey. Please tell me you have already left the office. She murmurs, as well as placing the phone over her ear.
"Hey…" he says on the other side of the phone, always greets her in the same way, a soft and affectionate, almost murmuring hey, in which she can even hear him smile when he says it. And that calms her for a second.
"Harvey…" she says in her choppy voice, going through the front door of the building. "Please tell me you can come for me."
"Turn to your left." Donna does what he tells him, confused but without giving herself time to think and there he is, with the phone in his ear, his other hand slightly extended toward her, and a cute smile on his lips that does nothing but give her security. Both end the call and keep their phones as they quickly walk toward each other and the instant Donna's body hits Harvey's, her arms get tangled around his neck, and break into even more tears. Harvey surrounds her at her waist with his left arm, while his right arm climbs up between her shoulder blades until his hand adjusts to the shape of her head.
"Thank you…" she sobs, trying to control the trembling of her body.
"I'm here for you, as I promised." Donna smiles timidly between her tears and feels a warm kiss from him on the side of her forehead. "How did it go?"
"I think it's been good, even if it doesn't look like it." She murmurs.
"Well, that's good…" he answers and makes both walks to be almost against a wall. Too many people have just come out of the subway and suddenly the street looks like an anthill. "What do you wanna do now?"
"I need to take some air before going home."
"Hmm… Do you wanna go to the square that is here near?" she nods. Harvey kisses her forehead and separates enough to look at her and sweetly kisses her lips. He hugs her by the side, wrapping her shoulders with his arm and they walk, joining the flow of people who help them get there sooner, as they are going in the same direction.
Before sitting on a bench, Harvey buys her a bottle of water, and once seated, he opens it before offering her. Donna drinks small sips, with her gaze looking at the front. Harvey intertwines his hand with her hand on her thigh, his thumb moving in circles over her skin.
"Every session I'll go out like this?" she asks, a little scared. "So many tears have I accumulated?"
"I have no answer for this..." he raises their hands together and kisses her fingertips one by one, looking into her eyes. "But I know it'll be a long and painful process... But it'll be necessary." She nods, drying a tear that falls down her cheek, and after drinking a sip of water, rests the bottle on the bench and raises her sight to the sky to breathe deeply and concentrate on the wind hitting her face. Then she drops her head on Harvey's shoulder, who wraps her hand with both of his hands and kisses her crown. "That you have started is already a lot ... One day at a time."
"I know you can't know, but I trust you anyway..." she murmurs and raises her head to look at him again. "Promise me this will work."
Harvey twists the corners of his lips and raises one of his hands to her face, his fingers delicately holding her chin. "I promise you it will work." He murmurs to her, almost as a secret that no one else can hear, and although she knows it's a silly comfort, his words reassure her. "You make everything work… And when you can't by yourself, here's your support network."
"Harvey…" she sobs, her lower lip trembling.
"We already talked about this. Don't say thank you to me again." He whispers on her lips and gently crushes his lips against hers.
"Ok…" she responds with a tiny smile. "Do you take me home, then?"
"Of course," he responds, putting a lock of red hair behind her ear to kiss her again. Then he stands up, offers her a hand to help her get up, and she uses the impulse to hug him again. "Do you want us to buy Chuckey Monkey to eat in bed?" he asks in her ear, his arms holding her against him.
Donna frowns and looks at him, a little confused. "I thought we would go to your condo tonight."
"Yes, we will."
Donna frowns her face even more. "Do you let me eat in your bed?"
Harvey smirks and shrugs. "You're making me become too strange a person."
Donna chuckles. "Do you know what this is called? Change your way of being for someone else?"
"No… Tell me, Miss I Know Everything."
Donna smirks and drags her fingers into the hollow of his nape. "Love…" she whispers, too close to his lips.
Harvey grins and nods. "It's definitely what I feel for you." He responds softly and gives her a meaningful kiss on her smiling lips. Then, they join hands and take a walk to the parking lot where Harvey had left his car.
That night they dine in Harvey's condo, while Donna tries to rebuild her first therapy session to tell Harvey, and then she cries again, during dinner, while sharing the ice cream in bed, and even later when they have sex before falling asleep.
She thinks she definitely has too many tears piling up in her body, but it's good that she's letting them out.
The second therapy session ends with the same amount of tears as the first one, but it's a little calmer for Donna. After the nerves of the first session, she discovers her psychologist makes her feel comfortable, and that it could be a safe place to talk.
She doesn't know very well why, but she dedicates that second session to talking about all those comments that throughout her life she received and that were accumulating within her. Of course from parents, especially those who referred to her not being vulnerable and how unbearable she had been as a child, but also the comments she received from her friends or ex-couples, even schoolmates or theater mates, people she loved a lot, people she just crossed some time, and people she never really liked. All those comments were falling on one another, generating a mountain that weighed too much in her mind and that, consciously or unconsciously, had shaped her personality.
Donna grew up being too susceptible to the opinions of others.
It was enough for someone to say that her crying was too unbearable, just once, that she would remember it every day of her life. That comment would return to her mind every time she felt sad.
It was enough for someone ever to complain about her loud laugh, for her to control herself every time she laughs.
It was enough for someone to mock a book that she was reading to never mention that she had read it.
It was enough for someone to say that one of her T-shirts wasn't nice… to stop wearing it.
It was enough for another of her boyfriends to complain about her freckles to begin to cover them.
It was enough that one of her partners had told her she yelled too much in bed to repress herself.
She had never dared to join all those points, but with the passing of the sessions, the psychologist helped her see that probably that trait of her personality of being repressed for everything that someone criticizes of her has begun in her childhood. And her psychologist also helps her realize that all these comments, perhaps some haven't had bad intentions, others did… But that didn't matter, she shouldn't feel foolish to let that affect her. That it happened to too many people, and that is a great comfort to her heart. Her psychologist also proposes to look for tools that help her control that and try to feel more and more authentic, and she nods in tears.
The sixth session is the first one in which Donna doesn't come out crying and she considers it an enormous achievement. Having spent so many years enduring the urge to cry and covering up the pain had been fucking exhausting, but now she discovers that crying all the time is also completely draining.
Harvey waits for her, as always, and smiles widely when he sees her free of tears. Donna walks toward him, and when she reaches him, she takes his hands and greets him with a sweet kiss on his lips.
"Has it gone well?" he asks her, releasing only one of her hands, and he leads the way back.
"Yes." She smiles. "I mean, I'm not crying. That's good."
Harvey smiles and turns his head to kiss her on her forehead. Harvey really loves when she doesn't wear heels and can do these things. "It definitely is," Donna smirks and squeezes his hand affectionately. "Hey… What do you think we changed the date a little tonight? I wanna go to the movie theatre… And then we go to dinner?"
"Please tell me it isn't a war or murder film."
Harvey giggles and denies it with his head. "I guess it's one we can enjoy both."
"Ok… I accept the change."
"Then we need to hurry because the film starts in half an hour."
"You've already bought the tickets, have you?"
Harvey giggles. "Guilty is the charge."
Before Donna can respond, Harvey runs, without releasing her hand and forcing her to run as well. Which makes her laugh out loud in the middle of the street. Damn if that isn't another achievement.
They don't buy popcorn or anything like that, because they'll go for dinner later, and because they also arrive when the trailers for the next releases are over. They quickly search for their seats and drop there. Harvey intertwines his fingers with Donna's and she curls up against the side of his body with her head over his shoulder.
"Are you comfy?" he murmurs, and she nods with a slight smile.
"What about you?" she also murmurs.
"I couldn't be better." He responds and hears her smile.
The film begins and they stay as close as they can, their hands intertwined, their fingers playing with each other. Just Donna lifts her head after a few minutes because her neck hurts.
She had entered the movie theatre knowing nothing other than the name of the film and the main cast, trusting Harvey said it probably could like her. What Donna had never imagined is that she would end up crying in that place, surrounded by strangers. She feels too weird to be doing it with all those people around and for a movie. She dries her tears with her free hand and then Harvey turns to look at her. It wasn't a cry too deep; it was just a few tears, so Harvey hadn't noticed it.
"Hey... are you okay?" he whispers.
She smiles and nods. "You say it because I'm crying in public for a movie for the first time in my life?" she chuckles.
Harvey smiles and approaches to give her a kiss on her lips. "I'm so proud of you." Donna smiles at him and he releases her hand, to hug her by her shoulders and draw her against him. She simply lets herself protect by her boyfriend, curling up against his body, turning her gaze to the movie, and without worrying if any other tear falls from her eyes.
After the tenth session, Donna begins to get used to weekly therapy. All her structures are still moving in every session, but she is glad to start noticing slight changes, or baby steps, as her psychologist calls them. Donna learns that no matter how small they're, they're always important and the fact that she feels lighter every day makes absolutely everything worthwhile.
Like every time she leaves a session, Harvey is waiting for her with a smile, a hug, a kiss… Or whatever she needs. He's definitely also learning to deeply read her, and that makes her feel safer every day.
Without giving her a choice, Harvey tells her that night they will go to his condo because he has a surprise for her.
"So… are you ready?" he asks her at the door of his condo, the door still closed. She stands in front of him, hoping to get some clues.
"I don't know for what, Harvey." She pouts.
Harvey smirks and kisses her. "I'll cover your eyes."
"Harvey…" she giggles. He pulls a blindfold out of his pocket. "Is it something sexual?"
He smirks. "It could be… but it's not."
"Okay, put me that." She snorts.
"That snort? Would you like something sexual with this?" he makes his voice deeper, approaching her ear and lowering his hand from her waist to her butt.
"Not you?" she asks him with a mischievous smile, turning her face to find him.
"We owe a conversation about fantasies." He smiles and kisses her lips.
"Oh, we're sure to." She smiles and this time, she kisses him. "Well, put me on this. I wanna know what that surprise is."
Harvey nods and after gently pulling her to him to give her one last kiss, covers her eyes with the blindfold and ties it carefully. "It's okay like this?"
"Yes, I'll only need you to guide me."
"Always, Donna." He says and kisses her on her smiling lips, surprising her. Harvey opens the door to his condo and hugs her by her shoulders, pointing her the way. They brake for a second to close the door and stand face to face.
"This isn't the smell of your condo." She says.
"No, it's not." He says. Of course, he should have realized that she would notice the aroma of the candles right away.
"Are they strawberry candles?"
He chuckles. "Yes, they are."
"Hey... Sure it's nothing sexual? Look that I wouldn't refuse."
"Wouldn't you refuse?" he murmurs, wrapping her around the waist until he slams her body into his.
"With you? To nothing." She says, wrapping his neck with her hands and wanting to come close to kiss him, but she can't find his lips and hits his face several times without success. Damn blindfold. Harvey giggles, letting her keep trying. "Sorry, that should have been hotter." She laughs.
Harvey giggles again and moves, so she finds him quickly and kisses him. "Note that if we include this in sex, we might look ridiculous at moments."
Donna giggles. "You're right, but now, I want my surprise!"
"Okay, come over here." Harvey takes her by both hands and walks, leading the way for her. Donna is facing her gift. Only she can't see it.
"I'm already getting nervous."
"You promise me that if you don't like it, you lie to me?"
"Harvey!" she laughs. "I wanna see it. Take this off." Harvey smiles and walks behind her to disarm the knot, but doesn't drop it until he is again in front of her. He doesn't want to miss her reaction. He drops the blindfold slowly and Donna must first blink a few times to get used to the light again, but as soon as she manages to focus and glimpse in front of her a grand piano, white, with a golden gift bun and with small candles lit above it, her lips begin to tremble and her eyes are flooded with tears. "No Harvey, you can't have done this." She sobs, completely hit by the situation. She was really expecting something sexual, or a candlelit meal... never, ever a piano.
"Don't you like it?" he murmurs, just to make her laugh. He can see her happiness. He wraps her by the side of her shoulders, luring her against his body. "Because it's yours… It's just here because there's more space than in your apartment, but you can play whenever you want."
Donna has run out of words. She can only bend her arm to take his hand, which falls on her shoulder, and drops her head against his shoulder. "You're unreal, Harvey." She sobs and feels him kissing her forehead. "And I thought you were bad at giving gifts."
Harvey laughs and squeezes her against him, now with both arms wrapping her against him. "Do you like it?"
"Harvey…" she sighs. "It's the best gift I've ever received. I promise you."
He grins. "Do you promise me you will play a lot for me? It's the only condition here."
She smiles and crushes even more against his body. "I promise you…" she whispers and kisses him on the neck. "Do you still have Gordon's scores?"
Harvey smiles like a child. "Would you play his music for me?"
Donna takes off a little of him, so he can look at him. "I would play anything for you, Harvey… but especially your father's music. It would be an honor for me." She murmurs fondly and gives him a kiss on his lips. "This is a lot, Harvey. Thank you, seriously."
"It's just a little of what you deserve." He murmurs on her lips and makes sure to hold her well by her waist, because the moment in which his lips join her, he lifts her a little off the ground, making her spin and laugh. "Do you wanna play?"
"Yes, please. I wanna try it." Donna runs like a little girl at Christmas toward the piano and sits there, uncovers the keys, and just when she realizes she probably doesn't remember any song without the score, Harvey puts on the piano a file with some printed scores. Many of the songs they had listened repeatedly in his office over the years and some others that Harvey knew were Donna's favorite. "You're the best." She smiles and enjoys the proud smile on his face.
"I know." He responds, making her giggle, and leans over the piano, his elbows resting on the surface. "Would you do me the honor of playing?"
Donna smirks and nods. She opens the file and the first song she finds there is from Miles Davis vinyl she had ruined, the same one Harvey had put in his apartment that night when she believed that her soul was about to come out of her body and that her body would collapse forever. She doesn't doubt that this should be the first song on that piano. As Donna puts her fingers on the keys, she feels that time hasn't passed, her fingers slip almost effortlessly under the loving and attentive gaze of Harvey, who explodes his chest of love seeing her playing in his condo, sitting in what is now her piano and with a huge smile on her face.
He makes a promise to himself as he listens to her play. He'll never stop surprising her and making her smile like this every day of her life.
Donna comes out of session number 16 and it still seems a lie that she has completed 4 months of therapy. It also seems unbelievable that for the 16th time Harvey is waiting for her there, as every time.
"What if I have to do therapy for five years? Will you be here every time?" she asks after kissing him.
"That's exactly what I will do." He answers without hesitation.
"You're amazing, Harvey Specter."
"I'm only what you deserve." He says sweetly on her lips, while his hand holds her by her jaw and kisses her gently for several seconds. "Today you cried."
"A little…" she shrugs.
"Well… it was that, or you had eaten chips in the session."
She giggles. "I have a very salty taste?"
"Just a little." He responds and kisses her again. "Your place or mine tonight?" He asks, starting to walk, his hand on his girlfriend's lower back.
Later, they are in Donna's apartment and have finished dinner a long time ago. They have even already washed and tidied everything in the kitchen. After that, Harvey must finish some work on his laptop, so Donna sets out to order some things and then looks for the book she is reading and sits down on the couch, waiting for Harvey to close his laptop and share a while with her.
Just he takes too long, and she begins to be impatient. First, she sets aside the book and replies to Rachel, who had sent her some messages, then checks her Instagram and even reads an article from the New York Times, and also checks her calendar for tomorrow. Then, she goes to the bathroom to remove her makeup and make her skincare. She also puts some oil on the ends of her hair and leaves her clothes ready for the next day. But the man still sits there, typing on his stupid laptop. Donna decides the firm can go to hell in that damn moment and walks until she is behind him and slides her hands from his shoulders to his chest, leaning toward him, her lips approaching his ear.
"You have a long way to finish?" she murmurs with a slight pouter on her lips and, after giving him a kiss under the lobe of his ear that makes him hum, rests her chin on his clavicle.
"I promise you just 10 minutes." He responds, squeezing her hands.
"Truly?"
"Truly," he responds, after turning his head to look at her.
"Okay," she replies and kisses him on his cheek to then get up a little, but contrary to what Harvey believed, she doesn't go too far. Donna's hands remain on his shoulders, where she massages him.
"Maybe it'll be more minutes if I have to work with distractions."
"There's no way I'll let you stay over 10 minutes here." She responds, her hands sliding back toward his chest. This time her hands go inside his slightly open shirt to find his skin directly. "Write." She says with a mischievous voice, her hands going down a little more.
"I'll then seek revenge."
"I'm not afraid, Specter." She responds and drags her nose behind his ear, while she raises her hands and her index fingers move over his nipples.
"Donna," he snorts.
"Please write." She murmurs and removes her hands from inside his shirt, but she doesn't leave. She keeps doing massages that try to keep as innocent as possible, although no one doubts about the end of this night.
9 minutes later, Harvey closes his laptop and stands without saying a word and Donna can really see the thirst for revenge on his face. Before she can escape, because she tries to run to her room already laughing, Harvey grabs her by her hips and his fingers tickle her.
"No, no, Harvey!" she laughs, trying to run forward, but he keeps her against her body, which makes her feel like his crotch has begun to wake up with those massages. One of his arms clings to her by his body, and his other hand continues tickling her at every place where he knows she'll laugh. "Harvey, I want sex. No tickles!" she says, wanting to sound serious, but she can't stop laughing.
"And I wanted to end work in peace." He says, his fingers tickling her neck.
"I can see how it has bothered you." She responds, pressing her butt against him, making her best effort to control the spasms of her body, and rocks her butt against him, which makes him lose focus and she takes advantage of his distraction to run away from him, heading to her room.
"As if you could escape from me!" he yells, running behind her and reaching for her when they're already in her room. Harvey wraps her two wrists with one of his hands and pushes her against the bed, carrying her hands above her head and lifting her t-shirt with his free hand.
"No, Harvey... Please don't." She laughs in anticipation.
"Yes, Harvey… please do." He responds and plunges into her abdomen to tickle her with his nose and lips with no mercy or pause. Donna tries, once again, to get out of him, but it's completely useless. Harvey has more strength than her, and the tickling and laughter make her completely lose the strength she can have.
Donna laughs, laughs loudly, laughs even with tears, and that's why Harvey doesn't stop. Because he loves to hear her laugh without filters, without shame. Completely exposed.
Harvey has done this too many times and Donna doesn't fully understand what kind of obsession that man has with tickling her. "Hey… please, I need to breathe." She says after several minutes. Harvey nods and rests his chin on her abdomen to look at her. "Why the hell do you like this so much?" she laughs once again, as he releases her grip on her hands and gives her a sweet kiss just above her belly button.
"Because I like to hear you laugh like that…" he murmurs and his voice is so sweet and soft that Donna feels her body shudder.
"Harvey…" she whispers, with her lips shaking, one of her hands reaching his head. "How I never had guessed it?"
He smiles and kisses up her body until he lands on her lips. "I love you, Donna." He whispers and kisses her as he continues to lift her t-shirt above her breasts.
"I love you, Harvey." She murmurs in the middle of the kiss, also wanting to take off his shirt.
It's quite late after the intense round of sex of the night. Harvey is completely on top and inside her. She's letting some tears out of her eyes after he had made her cum. She had been the last one of both this time. Harvey splashes sweet kisses all over her face, his thumb caressing behind her ear.
"Are you okay?" he murmurs, his voice having almost no sound.
"I'm always okay with you. You're my safe place." Harvey smiles at her words and didn't resist kissing her lips again. "You didn't just make this bed our safe place. You've made any place safe for me if you're with me." She says with her eyes shining with tears, her fingers dancing down his bare back. "I love to know that I can laugh with you, cry, and yell with pleasure…" she smiles, and he smiles back. "Thank you for helping me every day to knock down more bricks off this wall."
"We'll knock down that wall together. Okay?" Donna smiles, nodding, and raises one of her hands to his nape, to softly push him until his lips collide against her. "I made you yell tonight, huh?" he says so proudly, and she laughs as she feels his lips find hers again.
"You're the best at it." She murmurs in the middle of the kiss and feels him smiling widely against his lips.
"I strive every day to be better at my job."
Donna giggles and bites her lower lip. "You're definitely an idiot." He pouts. "But you're my idiot." They giggle and their lips come together again for as long as their lungs allow it.
Once they separate, they settle for sleep. It's already usual for Donna to be the small spoon. Even if, as soon as they fall asleep, they separate, they enjoy falling asleep like that, with their bare skin touching each other.
"Pull me closer," she murmurs, her eyes already closed. He smirks and moves her closer to him, fitting his body to hers. "Yes, like that." She grins, and he strokes her neck with his nose, making her chuckle.
For a while, Harvey usually plays with her hair, entangling his fingers there, and going down with his fingertips crawling gently across her skin. He also pecks her neck, making her giggle foolishly until she asks him to stop because they should sleep. And that's when they whisper something too tender and loving, one of those things only pillows can hear. The wall may fall down, but there are still things they wanna keep just for them.
May the bed be her safe place in the world. May his love for her to be her safe place in the world. No more hard, cold and dark walls... Now it's a warm, comfortable bed in the arms of the man she loves.
I have really enjoyed writing this chapter (I think it's my favorite in this story) and I hope you enjoyed it too.
If you've been reading this story, I'd love to read what you think!