A/N: Hey there :)
So, we have officially reached the end of this story. Writing and publishing this fic has been an emotional journey for me (because, as I said in another update, this story has a lot of me), so thank you so much to those who arrived at the final with me.
I really hope you have enjoyed it and that you also enjoy this epilogue :)
"What would you do if the spotlight was pointing at you from now on?"
Harvey asked me this when I told him what terrified me most in this world: my pain. And since my psychologist has recommended therapeutic writing, and I have no idea how to start, I wanna believe that answering this question is a good attempt, so… Here I go.
I'm going to start writing how I feel now that it's completely sad, heavy, and dark. Everything weighs more now than before. For every tear, a dozen new ones appear. I don't understand where they come from. Each cry makes me run out of air and sometimes I cry for so long that not only do my eyes burn but my chest muscles as well. I cry having a shower or making coffee; I cry when I take my makeup off and when I'm dressing. I cry eating anything or watching TV. I cry reading a book. I cry, watching Harvey doing anything. I cry when he hugs me. I cry in therapy, and everywhere. I cry, looking out the window. I cry, I cry and I cry. With each tear, the pain becomes deeper, but also, I think, more controllable. At least now I know what I face. I just don't know how the hell to defend myself from it. I trust that this will happen, that pain can become smaller and fit better in my life.
I've been in therapy for a few weeks, exactly 4, it's not much… But it's helping me realize some things, it's helping me validate myself. I'm reassured to know that I'm not crazy and that it is normal that everything they have been told has affected me. I really believed many times that I was losing my mind in those spirals of thought. Overthinking things they've been told decades ago is tiring, but my mind just cannot stop.
It may sound silly, but it reassures me to know that it's normal for this to affect me and that it has even forged my personality. I'm also reassured to understand that it isn't a bad thing to be as I am. That despite being a kind of therapist for my parents, this left me with a wound that has also made me so good at listening and helping others. I like to be that person. I like to help the people I love. I need to learn that this isn't bad, that what is wrong is not asking for the same thing back. I need the world to stop seeing me as a wonder woman, and for that I know I must be vulnerable… if I just knew how.
I need to learn that my emotions are as valid as those of any other person, that they aren't bad, and that it doesn't make me weak to cry in front of others. I need to learn that nothing bad will happen if I say how I feel. The world will still be working. The difference is that I'll have a hug that protects me. I wanna learn to draw out every negative emotion accumulated in every nook of my being.
I guess being crying as I write this is a start.
I must stop locking myself. I wanna stop locking myself in. I need to stop this lockdown.
I need to get out of this labyrinth that I have created in my mind.
It's reassuring to know that while it will be a slow process, one day this wall will end up knocked down.
But I said I would answer that question, and I was distracted.
I think that if I were now on a stage, with the spotlight pointing toward me, and I was the main character, author, and director of my life, I would first of all be able to say how I feel. Not only be able to identify and name each emotion, but also be able to express it without shame or self-control.
If I move a little from there…. I imagine myself still working as a COO. Also, as the unofficial therapist of the firm. I feel that this is the place I prepared for all these years and I wanna continue to develop myself, however; I wanna return to my artistic side. I definitely wanna go back to playing the piano, with no more pretense than playing when I feel the urge or need. Just to enjoy the music, I might take lessons again. As for the theater, I'm very clear that I wanna teach. I don't care where; it doesn't matter if it's a huge and prestigious school, or if I simply have 3 students in a rented space. I need to reconnect with that part of me. I wanna learn how to connect with the theater from another place, without letting the characters turn me off or put a shadow over me. Not only do I wanna teach about acting techniques, but I also wanna teach about the psychology of the characters, their emotions, and how those emotions are universal and we all can feel them. I also wanna finish my yoga course. I think it's another great tool for observing myself and my emotions. I think I have abandoned all this just to get away from them, and now I wanna be closer than ever. I don't rule out giving yoga classes either. I guess all this is a bit much, but now I'm just dreaming.
Without Harvey, I can't imagine myself. I just can't. I never could. Now I know I wasn't wrong during all these years. I know that what is among us is a love that is too deep, and I'm sure that this won't break easily. I know we will have to put a lot of ourselves to take care of ourselves and to take care of this, but I trust us. There is no way I can imagine anything without him grabbing my hand. I've spent so many years doing everything I could and more to save him, and he's doing exactly the same for me now. I don't believe that any hurricane can break us. We will find a way for our hands not to let go. I know.
I no longer imagine living alone, not even as we are now. We practically live together, so I know it's only a matter of time to move together. Falling asleep and waking up in his arms gives me a peace I had never experienced, and I wanna feel it every day. I can see us in a spacious house, open concept, with a large window, and in front of the window, a piano. My piano. A huge kitchen that we probably never use too much. A living room with a sofa that, despite being enormous, we will always use to snuggling with each other. A fireplace that will light up in the winter and an outdoor hot tub we will use in the summer. Music playing while everyone is doing their own thing, or while we are together. All his vinyl collections and all my books will be together in the same space. His punching bag and my yoga mat. An immense room and a bed too cozy, where we will be wild, but also vulnerable. Where I know I can always disarm myself in his arms and that nothing bad will happen. A bathroom next to the bedroom, big enough for us both to share a shower or a hot bath, a double sink, and sure he will make weird faces to make me laugh while we wash our teeth. His toothbrush will be next to mine. A dressing room, in which his dark suits will coexist along with my dresses. I imagine us in our home, in our safe place. And I know my safe place, my home, the place I wanna be, is next to him.
As for my family, I guess that's the most complicated thing in this equation. I wanna talk to my parents about the things that hurt me, not now because I'm not ready, but it's definitely something I need to do if I intend to tear down this wall to get out of here. I know it will be painful for me, and painful for them, but I won't be able to go forward if I cannot tear this knot off my chest. I also wanna improve my relationship with my sister. I wanna feel her like my family. I don't know how, but I wanna try. I want my family to know all the parts of me I have been hiding and burying for so many years. And I wanna do the same with my friends. I want nothing to change between us, except to be brave to ask for help.
And if I can dare to imagine a little more, at this very moment I would be buying a ticket to Paris. I don't wanna die without fulfilling that dream.
I wanna feel myself, be Donna. The real Donna. The real one. The one that doesn't have to hide behind a fictitious facade. I wanna laugh when I feel it; I wanna cry when the pain reaches me. I wanna cry out for happiness, sadness, and pleasure. I wanna get excited when something is too pretty. I wanna get angry and furious when the situation merits it. I wanna feel it. All."
Her journal rests on her closed piano in front of the enormous window. In front of her, she has the fireplace lit and she can see her entire collection of books and his vinyls. If she turns her head, she can see the backyard with the hot tub. Her eyes, now behind glasses, are flooded with tears and some have enough strength to roll down her cheeks and fall down her chin.
She had written that over 3 years ago and looking for an old script to share with her theatre students; she had found this journal and just couldn't resist reading it. Her left hand - where the ring that joins her to Harvey, rests every day and every night - closes the journal, and moves to open the piano. Almost without thinking, she sets out to play one of her favorite songs, while the tears don't stop rolling down his cheeks.
She wrote it all as an expression of desire, but she didn't feel able to make it happen. Not at that time.
She no longer feels heavy or dark, quite the opposite. Donna now feels light in every breath and already feels safe enough not to hide her emotions. None of them. She finally feels she managed to tear down that damn wall and can run freely to where she wants. She had encouraged herself to share that part of her story, first with Harvey, then Rachel, and slowly did it with other friends, so she could then talk to her parents. One of the most difficult things she had done in her life, but also one of the most liberating.
She is now married to the love of her life and lives on the opposite coast where they fell in love, and had never believed that change could make her feel so good. Her house looks pretty much like the one she had described in that journal and her life as well. She's the COO and the unofficial therapist on the firm, which here take many fewer hours than the one in New York, so she has enough free hours in the week to give theater classes to two groups of teenagers in a high school and also to give yoga classes to a group of middle-aged women in a gym. In addition, she spends a few hours a week practicing with the piano, a professor comes home once a week and she enjoys each of those lessons with every part of her heart. So yes, her life had changed too much… And that's absolutely great.
Her fingers move skillfully over the keys, while her eyes drop tears effortlessly... And at that moment, Harvey enters the door with that huge smile he has every time he's arriving home and hears her playing As usual, Donna is too immersed in her music to notice his presence, so Harvey is stealthy not to scare her. He leaves his coat at the entrance, along with his wallet and keys.
"Hey…" he murmurs when he is close enough, being behind her, puts one of his hands on her shoulder, and gives her a kiss on her crown.
"Hey…" she responds with a smile, still playing.
"Hey… Are you okay?"
She nods. "Yes, I've just found something old." She responds and plays the last notes of the song. "Come here, give me a kiss." She says, turning on her bench and he leans over her to give her a warm kiss on her lips.
"What have you found?" he asks, shaking his hand at her. She grabs it and gets up.
"The first journal I wrote, do you remember?" she says, untying the knot of his tie. He nods. "Do you know what was the first thing I wrote?" she chuckles, removing his tie from around his neck. "You remember when you asked me, what would you do if the spotlights were pointing at you from now on?" Harvey nods again, and she unbuckles the first buttons of his shirt. Removing his tie and unbuckling those buttons is something she does every day when they return from the office together, or if he returns after her. "I answered that question…" Harvey smiles and dries her tears with his thumbs. "And my life is pretty much like what I wrote there…" she says with a smile, looking at him in the eyes.
"And that's good?" he asks, attracting her against him with one of his arms wrapping around her waist.
"So good, Harvey." She responds with a smile, her hands resting on the flaps of his jacket.
"I'm glad about that." He smiles against her lips, raising his free hand to her face, to take her by her jaw and kiss her much more intensely than Donna expected.
"So... You had a good day?" she grins.
"Hmm... Maybe." He murmurs, looking at her swollen and wet lips.
"Good, so... could you kiss me like this again?" he chuckles and crashes his lips with hers again. "You're inspired, huh?"
He giggles. "It's just... I'm excited."
"Can I know why?" she asks with a smile, looking at his lips and realizing that she has left him some lipstick, which she cleans with her thumb.
"Yeah... Maybe." He smirks, his hand raising from her waist to her neck, where he strokes her softly with his thumb.
"Maybe?" she squints her eyes, tilting her head to one side.
"Well..." he shrugs. "I have a gift for you."
"Stop talking and give it to me then!" she giggles.
"You wanted more kisses." He says with a mischievous smile and she giggles again. "I'm irresistible, I know." He growls sensually on her lips and kisses her once again, as she chuckles. "So... I hope you like it," he murmurs, separating only an inch from her lips, which are smiling.
"From the piano to here, all your gifts have been amazing." She murmurs, kissing his lips.
"Yes, but I think this is the only one that can compete with the piano." Donna separates a little more from him when listening to those words, more and more expectant... Harvey smiles at her expression and slides his hand into the inner pocket of his jacket, grabbing an envelope and he gives it to her. Donna grabs it, a little confused because it's just a white envelope, but enthusiastic anyway.
When she opens the first thing she finds is a postcard of the Mona Lisa and her lips begin to shake when she sees two pairs of plane tickets to Paris. "Harvey…" she sobs.
"I knew it. You didn't like it." He says with a smile and she giggles.
Donna leaves the tickets on the piano to find a hotel reservation at the Four Seasons in Paris for 3 weeks. Her hands tremble when she turns the Mona Lisa postcard and reads what Harvey has written. "I can't think of a better idea to celebrate our third wedding anniversary than to walk hand-in-hand through the streets of Paris, visit every museum, dine at every restaurant we want, take too many pictures, be two fools in love at the Eiffel Tower and take advantage of our luxurious room. I hope you think the same as me. I love you."
"You're crazy!" she giggles, leaving the postcard with the rest of the papers. He runs his fingertips under her eyes to remove some tears. "I wrote I wanted to go to Paris in that journal." She sobs.
Harvey smiles proudly and lures her against his body, one of his arms at her waist, his hand holding her butt, the other arm over her shoulder blades, his hand holding her nape. "I'm here to make your dreams true." He whispers, very close to her lips.
Donna collides against him, curling her arms around his neck and closing her eyes, feeling as he poses his forehead on hers. "I'm sorry for how cheesy this will sound, but you're my dream come true," she murmurs.
He chuckles. "You're mine, Donna." He mutters, and both grin.
"I don't have any better idea for our anniversary, either." She says with a giggle, and he pushes her even more against his body. "I love you, Harvey… so much that I can't even explain it." She murmurs and their lips get tangled as much as their bodies. The kiss lasts as long as their lungs resist it and then she fits into his body, her head just below his chin, her arms now passing under his, while he keeps clinging her to his body. Harvey puts that Miles Davis song, the first Donna played on the piano, from his phone to play on the speakers of the house, and they begin to swing, with their bodies as close as they can be. "Paris will be incredible, because it'll be with you, Harvey." She murmurs and he kisses her forehead, causing her to curl even more against him. His kisses on her forehead as he wraps her against his body are still her safest place in the world.
Harvey will do the same in front of the Eiffel Tower. In fact, they will ask someone to take a picture of them, completely hugged, with Harvey giving her a kiss on the forehead, with the Eiffel Tower in the background, and they'll put it in their bedroom. They'll put another one next to it, where Harvey will lean over her until she has her back almost parallel to the floor and kisses her while she clings to him so as not to fall. Donna would never have been encouraged to do this in public before, and she will feel so free each time she sees that photo. She can even hear her laugh when she noticed what Harvey was about to do just seeing the picture.
Every time someone will see that photo, will say that it looks like a movie poster and yes, it may look like it. It's the poster of their own film, the only one they want to live in. A genuine film, free of walls.
If you have been reading this story all this time, it would be very important to me to know what you think.
And thank you so much again for being here!