Guards: The Legend of Jim
Jim emerged from the darkness of his tent in Bowerstone South. He scratched his long unkempt beard as he looked at the sky. After standing for a few minutes, a small girl came up to him.
Girl: Hey mister! Why're you naked?
Jim: Cause I have no soul! The life has been sapped from me by this cruel cruel world! I have nothing left to live for and no place to call home! Under such horrible conditions the big Jimbowski and the Two Amigos might as well get some air!
With that, the poor girl ran off screaming. Jim threw on some ratty clothes and headed for the tavern. He had been staying there a lot lately. As he entered, the man behind the counter, Paul, greeted him and poured him a tall glass of ale.
Paul: How goes the search for employment there Jim?
Jim: Lousy. I don't know if I'll ever find a job.
Paul: You know what your problem is Jim? You've got a lot of dreams, but you don't fight for 'em. You'll never accomplish your goals if you don't work for them!
Jim: What was your dream?
Paul: I wanted to be a Hero.
Jim: So why do you sneak in here every day while the barkeep is out and just clean that one glass?
Paul: It gives me a sense of purpose.
Jim: That's pathetic Paul.
Just then, the tavern owner walked in.
Tavern owner: HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY BAR!
He began to chase Paul around, throwing bottles of liquor at him and sending him running out the door. Once the two were gone, Jim turned to the counter and thought about what Paul had said.
Jim: Paul must be crazy. I can't find a job, not now and not ever!
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew a notice sheet into the tavern. It had come loose from the side of the weapon shop. Jim picked it up and read the headline.
CALLING ALL CITIZENS
The Bowerstone Guards want you! See exotic lands, help people, and defend the law of Albion! Sign up today in Bowerstone North!
Jim put the flier on the counter and finished the last of his ale. Then he headed out the door and made his way to Bowerstone North. He hadn't been there in years. The area was much too classy for the likes of him. He walked into the guard tower and met up with Butch, head of Bowerstone's guards.
Jim: Hello sir. I would like to become a guard.
Butch: You? What makes you think you can be a guard?
Jim: Well, as a kid I was one of the best fighters around, I'm sure I've still got something left.
Butch: I'd never hire you! You think just because you can beat up a couple of whiny little brats you can be a guard?
Jim: What's wrong Butch? Upset about that day one of those "whiny little brats" took YOU to school?
At this, Butch growled and drew his sword. He swung it at Jim, who caught it with one hand. Butch stood for a moment, staring at Jim with utter hatred in his eyes. Jim stared back; his hand gripped the blade of Butch's blade, blood seeping between steel and flesh, his eyes cold and undaunted. After a few moments, Butch pulled back his sword quickly, slicing Jim's hand as it went. Jim swallowed a scream as blood poured from the gash. Butch grabbed Jim by the collar of his shirt and looked him straight in the eye. Jim could smell tobacco and tuna salad on his breath.
Butch: Now listen to me Jim. Maybe you were stronger than me back in school, but it's much different now buddy! I have a job, a family, and a beautiful home in Bowerstone North. What do you have? Eh? You have nothing! Now listen to me. You will NEVER be a guard, you hear me? NEVER! Now get out of my sight before I decide to put your head over my fireplace.
Jim stared at him for a few seconds, then walked out of the office, out of the tower, and out of Bowerstone North. Upon returning to the Bowerstone South, he went back to the tavern for more ale. As he sat drinking, an old man sat down across from him. The man wore strange robes and had odd blue markings on his face.
Jim: Go away man. I want to be alone.
Maze: I AM GONNA DRINK SOOOOO MUCH! I NEED YOU TO HOLD MY BONGS! THIS ONE'S NAME IS STAN!
Jim: Yeah, whatever.
Jim sat holding the crazy man's bongs while a small crowd formed around the tables to watch the guy drink. After a few hours of sitting there, a guard entered the tavern to see what was causing the ruckus. He saw Jim holding a bong and called a few other guards outside. They came into the tavern and grabbed Jim, dragging him out of the building and into Bowerstone North. From there they continued onward down the prison path to the docks. From there, Jim was taken by boat to Bargate Prison. Once there, Jim was forced into a chair in the warden's office. He sat across the desk from the warden with two guards making sure he stayed put standing behind him.
Warden: So, you're the new meat eh? Alright, where did you get the bongs?
Jim just sat with a blank expression, staring at his feet.
Warden: Not a talker? Ok boys, break him in.
One of the guards cracked Jim over the head with the blunt end of his sword. The other grabbed him and dragged him to the torture chamber. After an entire night of torture, the guards shaved Jim's head and took his clothes, then put him in a cell. He sat there for months before the guards finally brought him out of his cell and back to the warden's office.
Warden: You've made bail scum! Someone out there must like ya.
Again, Jim only sat, not saying a word as his possessions were returned to him. He was led out of the prison to the docks, where he saw a woman sitting in one of the boats, speaking with the guards. Jim recognized her immediately as Lady Grey, mayor of Bowerstone.
Lady Grey: About time you got here. Get in the boat, quickly.
Jim climbed into the boat and sat next to Lady Grey.
Jim: Why exactly did you bail me out? I've never even met you before now.
Lady Grey: Well, a long time ago I saw you come to Bowerstone North and try to become a guard. I also saw how you stood up to Butch. Not many men would do that. It just so happens that I need a new guard captain at the Witchwood Arena, and I would like you to take the job.
Jim: Me? A guard captain? But I don't have any experience or anything, why would you pick me?
Lady Grey: Don't question my choices, just do as you're told. You will take over in the Witchwood Arena or you will go back to Bargate, take your pick.
Jim: Fine, if you want me to run your stupid Arena, I'll do it.
Lady Grey: Wonderful. Another boat will arrive for you tomorrow at noon. Don't be late.
When the boat arrived back in the mainland, some guards escorted the mayor back to her mansion, and Jim headed back to Bowerstone South. He crawled into his tent and into his cot, where he slowly drifted off to sleep.
Well I realize it's not my style to make a serious story, but I wanted to try something new. Take note that this is NOT the spin off I mentioned in Life in Albion Sucks. I may make another chapter or two and then be done with it. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this one, and despite the serious tone of this story, I want you all to be aware that…
I AM AT ONE WITH NUGGETS!