Truth or Dare.
Prologue:
It started out as an innocent gathering at Charlie's house. Well. Not ENTIRELY innocent… So what if they'd "conveniently" arranged it for the weekend Casey Conway was out of town… and Jesse's older bother had so GENEROUSLY offered to provide them with drinks, wouldn't it have been rude to refuse his kind offer? The Ducks were never the kind to be rude, and despite the underage drinking part, they were being good little Duckies. That is, until someone bought up the idea of playing Truth or Dare. Now, Truth or Dare games are known to get out of hand normally, but add some alcohol and things can get downright wacky. Did this occur to our dear little, slightly tipsy Duckies as they sat their bums in a circle? You can bet your hockey stick it didn't.
--
"Okay guys, I'll start," said Charlie, taking another swig from one of the fifths of vodka they were passing around. "Averman, troof or dare?"
"Troof? What a lightweight," joked Goldberg.
"Dare," said Averman.
"Alrighty, I dare you to… kiss Luis."
"What!"
"Does he have to?"
"Yep, yes he does. It has to be at least a minute long too."
"With tongues," added Connie, giggling.
"With tongues," confirmed Charlie.
"Can I take a rain check?" pleaded Averman.
"No can do buddy," replied Charlie, shaking his head.
"What about me?" asked Luis. "This isn't even my dare!"
"Oh just suck it up and kiss already!"
"Geeze Charlie, when did you start liking gay porn?" asked Averman. He leaned toward Luis anyway and kissed him.
"Whoo-hoo!" cheered Julie, giggling.
"Who would've guessed Averman could kiss like that?" asked Russ, who made kissy-faces at Averman and Luis when they parted.
"You want me to kiss you next?" asked Averman, raising his arm in quick succession and puckering his lips.
"Not particularly."
"Then shut it. Okay okay, who shall be my next victim?"
He cast a thoughtful yet devious look around the room, making sure to make eye contact with each of his teammates as if he were appraising them one by one. This went on for several minutes and the team began to get more and more anxious and nervous, for Averman still had not chosen anyone, or said anything at all.
Not able to take the apprehensive looks on his friend's faces, Charlie broke the silence. "Uh… Averman?"
Averman, who had been gazing around aimlessly at nothing snapped back into attention. "What?"
"Um, are you ever going to pick one of us?"
"Pick you?" asked Averman, completely clueless. "Pick you for what? We're not starting an impromptu hockey game now are we?"
Not quite able (or wanting) to believe what they had just heard, the remaining Ducks stared at Averman, some with their mouths hanging slightly open, the thought 'He can't be serious, no way' crossing all of their minds.
"What! What'd I do?"
Guy smacked his forehead in disbelief, Portman rolled his eyes, and Russ shook his head and said, "It's a damn shame."
"What's a damn shame?" asked Averman curiously, now inspecting a burn mark in the couch he was sitting on. "Were you playing with matches Charlie? I agree; that is a damn shame. Don't you listen to Smokey Bear? Only you can prevent forest fi-"
"No Averman! I was saying it's a damn shame that you're such a moron."
"Well, that's not very nice," said Averman, sounding slightly affronted.
"You know," said Guy thoughtfully. "I really wish we could blame this on the alcohol, but something tells me that the same thing would've happened if we weren't drunk."
"Probably, now give me a kiss," said Connie, leaning towards him with a tipsy smile. Guy grinned as well and kissed her softly.
"Ooh! Are we playing spin the bottle?" asked Averman, also leaning toward Guy.
"Truth or Dare Averman!" said Goldberg, putting an arm out to prevent Guy from hitting Averman. "You were going to pick someone to go next."
"Cool! I love this game!"
The rest of the Ducks unanimously whacked themselves in their foreheads; it was going to be a long, long night.
"Okay then, pick someone for Christ's sake!" yelled Portman.
"Alright, alright, Sheesh. Pipe down or I might have to make out with Luis again."
"What!" said Luis, but Averman had already moved on.
"I choose Fulton, your dare is-"
"I haven't chosen dare yet."
"Truths are lame."
"Fair enough."
"As I was saying, your dare is to ring Charlie's next door neighbor's doorbell, not wearing any pants and launch into a long story about why you are lacking pants."
The Ducks sat in stunned silence for a minute. Goldberg leaned over to Jesse and whispered, "Averman would come up with a strange and complicated dare like this."
Jesse nodded in reply, beginning to really feel the effects of his drinks.
"Um… okay," said Fulton uncertainly, for Averman had given him a quite complicated dare; especially for a guy who wasn't entirely sober. He stood up, took off his pants (to the general teasing applause and catcalls of his friends) and proceeded to Charlie's next-door neighbor's house.
Still wondering what the hell he was doing, Fulton rang the doorbell. An elderly gentleman answered the door and asked, "Can I help you?"
"Uh," began Fulton. "Yes, yes you can. You see sir, I work with the um, the Salvation Army, and currently we are looking for donations."
"Young man, are you wearing trousers?"
"No sir," replied Fulton, shaking his head. "No I am not. I have donated my last pair; there are a lot of needy people out there you know."
The Ducks were crouched behind a row of bushes watching the entire conversation; and all began laughing uncontrollably at the nonsense Fulton was spewing. Connie was actually on the ground cracking up, while Charlie was hoping that no one would hear the racket and call the police.
At that moment, the old man, seemingly impressed with Fulton's story; unbuckled his belt, saying: "I admire your perseverance young man, please accept these." He then handed Fulton his pants.
Almost too shocked to speech, not only because the guy believed him, but also because he had actually given up his pants, Fulton managed to choke out a 'Thank you' before the man shut the door. By the time Fulton returned to his friends Portman had joined Connie on the ground, and both were rolling around laughing like loons.
"You'll get yours, believe me," said Fulton, throwing the pants at Averman as the Ducks went back into Charlie's house.
"Okay Trouserman," replied Portman. "Or would you prefer Sir Pants-a-Plenty?"
Apparently 'Sir Pants-a-Plenty' was too much for Connie, who cracked up all over again. It was only with quick thinking that Adam prevented her from tumbling head over heels down the stairs.
"Okay moron, it really is your turn now, Truth or Dare?"
"Dare."
"Finish the Jack," said Fulton with a smug smile.
Fuck, thought Portman to himself, Fulton might actually have him there. He was never one to back down from a dare, but he knew there was still about a half of a fifth left… he would be sufficiently screwed up for hours and hung-over like no other the next morning. Still, a dare is a dare. He grinned widely and said, "Pass it here."
He took a deep breath and assumed a look of total concentration. He then put the bottle to his lips and began chugging the Jack Daniels.
"Oh my God," said Dwayne slowly.
"I can't believe it"
"He's actually doing it."
"Why wouldn't he?" said Fulton. "Portman has never turned down a dare before, remember the Junior Goodwill Games?"
"Yeah, but egging Coach Stansson's car is a far shot from drinking half a fifth of Jack. Plus that stuff is disgusting."
"I'm gonna be sick," announced Julie, covering her mouth and running for the bathroom.
"You better make it to the toilet!" yelled Charlie.
Just then Portman finished and surveyed his shocked friends with a grin of clear delight and triumph. After the shock wore off they began applauding.
"Man," said Russ, patting Portman on the back, "I will never doubt you again."
"Would you like a kiss?" offered Averman.
"Um, thanks but no."
"You know Charlie, I think you bought Averman out of the closet," teased Connie.
Before Charlie or Averman could respond Julie made a reappearance, holding her stomach and groaning.
"You're next Catlady," announced Portman cheerfully.
"How is all that whiskey not affecting him at all?" asked Dwayne.
"Just wait Cowboy," said Luis, "No one can handle all that; he'll be puking by next morning.
"Will not," countered Portman.
"Wanna bet?" asked Fulton.
"I'll put ten on that," said Guy.
"Me too," said Jesse.
"I'm in," said Goldberg.
"Anyone else got ten dollars to lose?" questioned Portman. "You guys are going to regret that."
"Right," said Goldberg doubtfully.
"I believe in Portman, he'll make it," said Averman confidently.
"I agree," said Dwayne. "If he can chug it he can hold it."
"You're damn right Dwayne. Now, back to the issue at hand, Truth or Dare Juliebean?"
"Are you serious Portman?"
"Serious as a heart attack."
"Why me?"
"Why not you? Anyways, you puked first."
"Yeah, because of you, and now I don't feel well."
"Not my fault."
"…Didn't she just sa-"
"Truth or Dare Julie?"
"Anyone care to help me out?"
The rest of the group quickly averted their eyes.
"Thanks guys, see if I ever help any of you with homework again."
"Hey, we're just as scared as you, you never know what that twisted mind could come up with," said Goldberg.
"I'll do it!" shouted Averman, standing up and puffing out his chest.
Everyone stared at him quizzically.
"Right, well, I didn't ask for a substitute."
"I was born with a plastic spoon in my eye," mumbled Averman.
"What?" asked Luis.
"You heard the man, plastic spoon in his eye. Anyways! Julie, pick one!"
Before she could respond however…
"Substitute you for my mom," sang Averman, promptly leaning forward off the couch, hitting the floor, and beginning to snore.
"Holy shit!"
"Averman?"
"Call an ambulance!"
"No don't!" said Charlie.
"Are you crazy Charlie? Averman just passed out and smacked his head! What if it's alcohol poisoning?" yelled Connie.
"Relax guys, this happens every once in a while, he'll be up in a little bit, give it time."
"You mean to say Averman commonly passes out?"
"Yeah, he's mildly narcoleptic.
"Are you joking?" asked Adam, Dwayne however looked thoughtful.
"Makes sense, he was my roommate freshman year, I always wondered why he would fall asleep while brushing his teeth or doing his homework."
"You don't fall asleep while doing homework?"
"Okay then, while there are undoubtedly a few screws lose in that kid's head, he'll be fine, Now Julie, you have yet to answer my question."
"…"
"Truth or Dare!"
"Is that all you're concerned about?"
"Yep."
"Fine, truth for Christ's sake."
"Truth? You're boring."
"Shut up Luis."
"Okay Julie, truth. Will you go out to dinner with me next Friday?"
Julie's mouth dropped open.
"Are you serious?"
"You've asked me that question once already Julie, my answer hasn't changed."
She grinned broadly and shouted, "Yes!" Before getting up and planting a kiss on his lips.
"What if she picked dare?"
"Then I would've dared her to go out with me."
"I lobe weddings, drinks all around!" said Jesse, raising the bottle to his lips. Fulton however, intercepted it before he could take a sip.
"Hey!"
"Dude, you've had enough."
"Says who?"
"Says me, you just said you 'lobed' weddings."
"I do lobe, er, love weddings!"
"HEY! You got that from Pirates of the Caribbean!"
"Captain Obvious to the rescue," mumbled Charlie.
"Averman's right!" said Connie.
"And his sidekick, Indisputable Woman!" interrupted Charlie.
"Wait… when'd you wake… never mind," continued Connie. "Can we watch that movie pweas?" she asked as she reached for the bottle in Fulton's hands.
"Sorry Connie, I think you've had enough as well."
"Nuh-uh!" whined Connie. "You tell them Pumpkin."
"Pumpkin?" shouted Charlie, before he began laughing and turning bright red.
Guy put his hand to his head, turning red for another reason. "She calls me-"
"No," interrupted Charlie, gasping for breath. "Please don't, you'll just ruin this for me."
"I'm not going to live this down am I?"
"Not for a long time Pumpkin," said Adam, patting Guy on the back.
"Sir Pants-a-Plenty," said Portman suddenly; causing Connie to collapse into another fit of giggles.
"What was that for?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to see what would happen."
"I can't take her home like this; her grandmother already wants my blood."
"Anyone who's unfit to go home can crash here."
"What if we are fit, and we just don't want to miss anything?"
"It's like three in the morning anyways, I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to drive anywhere, drunk or not; the cops would pull anyone over for being out so late," said Adam reasonably.
"Good point," agreed Charlie.
"SLEEPOVER!" yelled Connie.
"Can we gag her?"
"No, she'll choke."
"Yeah, but-"
"No!"
"Fine."
"I'm hungry."
"The kitchens upstairs Dwayne, help yourself."
"Bring me a bacon and peanut butter sandwich please," said Connie.
"Please don't, I'll barf if she actually eats it."
"Weak stomach Julie?"
"No, I'm with the Cat on this one," said Luis. "That sounds disgusting."
"Yeah, I'm all for trying new things, but some lines just shouldn't be crossed," agreed Goldberg.
"Actually, it's quite good," said Averman, nodding. "I'll have one too, preferably with crunchy peanut butter."
"Oh my God," said Jesse as Julie made another run for the bathroom. Dwayne merely shrugged and headed for the kitchen.
"Don't tell me he's going to bring them those sandwiches."
"I hope not."
"Fulton, go make sure."
Fulton went upstairs to the kitchen, and a shout, two bangs and a thud later, returned with a frying pan in one hand and some bacon in the other.
"Good work man," said Guy.
"No problem Pumpkin."
Guy rolled his eyes.
"Actually, now that you've got the bacon, run back upstairs and make me a BLT," said Russ with a big smile. A second later the bacon hit him in the face.
"BLT?" said Averman. "Gross."
"You'll eat a bacon and peanut butter sandwich, but a BLT is gross?"
"…Duh."
"I'll do it!" offered Connie cheerfully, getting up and promptly tripping over Jesse. Completely unfazed, she got up and made for the stairs. Guy sighed and ran after her.
"Pumpkin to the rescue!" yelled Averman cheerfully.
"I don't want her to kill herself on the stairs."
After Connie stumbled up the stairs followed by Guy, Goldberg pointed out an important aspect.
"Um, Connie didn't bring the bacon upstairs."
"Or the pan," added Fulton, waving it.
"Hey, where'd Dwayne go?"
"I locked him in the bathroom."
"Why?"
"I had to wrestle him for the bacon and I was afraid he would breakout that lasso he always seems to have on him and go all Walker Texas Ranger on my ass."
"Chuck Norris can eat a rubik's cube and poop it out solved," said Averman, nodding wisely.
"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding," added Charlie.
"Chuck Norris once…" began Portman. "Never mind, my head hurts."
"Lay down Dean, seriously," said Julie
"Ooh! She called him Dean," teased Luis, making kissy faces.
Julie glared at him and made Portman comfy on the couch.
Just the Dwayne reappeared.
"Hey cowboy, welcome back. What took you so long?" asked Fulton, grinning.
"Shut up, and sorry Charlie, I had to force the bathroom lock."
Charlie just shook is head. "You didn't happen to see Connie and Guy did you?"
"I did see them in the kitchen, but didn't see fit to disturb them."
"Fabulous, they are defiling my kitchen."
"Connie is so going next, she would tell us anything," said Adam grinning.
Just then the happy couple returned.
"You know guys, my mom and I eat in there."
"Sorry Charlie. You know, I couldn't find the bacon, so I couldn't make you that sandwich," replied Connie.
"But I didn't-"
"Let it go man."
"Anyways, so Connie, Truth or Dare?" asked Adam.
"Oh! Dare!"
"Don't tell her to do anything naked," said Guy quietly.
"Don't worry Guy, I dunno if you'll like what I do say though."
Before Guy could say anything Adam turned to Connie and said, "Cons, I dare you to answer my question."
"What?"
"Are you a virgin?"
"Uhh… maybe…"
Guy blushed and banged his head on the coffee table.
"Connie Moreau!" exclaimed Julie. "You never told me!"
Connie smiled and kissed Guy on the cheek, who kissed her in return.
"Dang!" said Jesse. "Pumpkins a smooth operator!"
"Hey, you can call me Pumpkin when you're getting laid."
"DANG!" yelled Russ. "He played you bogus."
"Well, I call him Pumpkin because of his cute tu-" began Connie, but Guy clapped a hand over her mouth before she could finish. Unfortunately everyone already had the gist of what she was saying, and were nearly dying with laughter.
"Oh man, I think I'll start calling you 'Sweet Buns'."
"Sweet Buns! Why didn't I think of that one?"
"Oh no, don't give her any ideas."
"Don't worry Guy, she won't remember it in the morning."
"Any chance any of you will forget anything?"
"No. Well, maybe Jesse."
"Hey! I represent that! I mean…"
"My point exactly."
"What happened to the game?"
"I dunno, it kind of died."
"Yeah, the last real dare was when Fulton talked that old guy out of his trousers."
"Hahaha!"
"Shut up."
"But seriously, what do we do now?"
"Impromptu game of street hockey anyone?"
"Somebody smack Charlie."
"Ow!"
"Thank you Adam."
"You know, Confucious always said 'Man who smack his roommate wake up with Brazilian fire ants in his bed'."
"Yeah right, I bet you anything Buckley padlocked and rigged an alarm system on the ant farm after last time."
"Yeah… how the hell did he notice some missing?"
"Who knows."
"Fair enough, mayonnaise it is."
"…"
"Ew."
"Yeah, that's just gross."
"I'd take the fire ants any day."
"Charlie, I swear to God if you put mayonnaise on my sheets I will toss your framed Pee-Wee Duck's jersey out of our dorm window."
"Oh hell no."
"That's WAY below the belt."
"I dare you to try Cake eater, keep in mind I'll slit your throat with the broken glass pieces if you do."
"Ya'll sure are violent."
"Dwayne, he's threatening to destroy an original Ducks jersey, which is pure blasphemy; it'd be the equivalent of force-feeding someone a bacon and peanut butter sandwich."
"Adam, you're gonna burn in ice rink hell!"
"…"
"Averman, did you just say 'ice rink hell'?"
"… Yeah? And…?"
"But… that doesn't make any sen-"
"Jesse man, just let it go, save yourself the aggravation."
"Alright, back to the game. Connie, pick someone."
"Right-o. Okay everyone, the name of the game is Seven Minutes in Heaven, and I pick Guy," she announces, standing up and grabbing Guy's hand.
"What?"
"Connie… we were playing Truth or Dare."
"Shut up Luis, now we're playing Seven Minutes in Heaven," said Guy, following Connie into the laundry room.
"PERVS!" yelled Charlie to their retreating backs.
Guy flicked him off in response.
"Alright, now we're down three players, Portman passed out, and Connie and Guy are banging on the washing machine-"
"Hey," cut in Charlie. "I really don't want to hear about my household appliances being deprecated."
"Oh shove it, anyways, three men down."
"Two men."
"…No?"
"Connie's a girl."
"Whatever."
"Anyways, it would be four."
"Four?"
"Yeah, Julie's sleeping."
"Okay, four down."
"Six," interjected Averman.
"No Averman, not six."
"Well, I was about to pick Luis to be my partner for Seven Minutes in Heaven."
"What? Would someone keep him away from me?"
"Oh come on Mendoza, you want me."
"Really? Well, I think you've got it wrong."
To the immense shock of the rest of the Truth or Dare players (well, the awake ones) Luis stood up and laid a real kiss on Averman, longer and heavier then the one they shared earlier.
"I believe it's you who wants me, so what do you think about that?"
"I think that was the best kiss I've ever had."
"Me too."
That being said, Averman and Luis disappeared behind the couch.
"Wow, just when you think you've seen everything."
"Can't say I saw that coming."
"I can."
"Really Dwayne?"
"Yep, I just knew it."
"So Cowboy, get any vibes about anyone else?" asked Goldberg tentatively.
"Yep Goldie, you'll be dating Buckley within a month."
"Har har."
"You were kidding about the mayonnaise right Charlie? My sheets are Egyptian cotton, which is extremely comfortable and-"
"Yes Adam, I was kidding, I won't mayo your fancy-pants sheets."
"You WOULD have foreign bed sheets."
"Yeah, what's up with that? American cotton not good enough for you?"
"Shut up."
"Hey!" yelled Charlie, in the direction of the two teenage boys behind the couch. "Would you two cut it out? You're already as bad as Connie and Guy."
"Bugger off," yelled Luis.
"Well SO-RRY."
"Sheesh, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"Hopefully not anymore, now that it's been on Averman."
"Hey!"
"Averman, since when do you pay attention to the conversation?"
"Since it started insulting me."
"I'd rather you paid attention to me."
"That was actually kind of cute."
"…"
"It's always the preppy ones."
"Obviously, do you think a straight man would dress like that?"
"Hey!" yelled Adam.
"Hey!" yelled Averman, who was still behind the couch.
"Averman, I wasn't insulting you."
"Yes you were! Are you implying that all gay men dress like THAT?"
"Hey! My dress sense is fantastic thank you. Charlie, you on the other hand have been wearing flannel for about ten years."
"Good point."
"Averman, either you're talking to us or you're behind the couch. Pick one."
"I'd pick Luis any day."
"Okay then, shut up."
"And I am not gay either."
"Okay Adam, we believe you, now, back to WHAT'S IMPORTANT!" stated Charlie. "We are indeed six Ducks down-"
"Seven," corrected Fulton.
"Oh for the love of God, I can't do this anymore."
"Chill Charlie, Jesse just finally passed out."
"I'm feeling pretty sleepy myself."
"But what about the game?" whined Charlie.
"Dude, the game's been dead for a long time."
"I guess you're right."
"Yeah man, I want to go to sleep."
"Alright, fair enough, I guess it is like four AM."
So our Duckie chums finally settle down, turn off the lights, and call it a night.
But before long…
"Charlie?"
"Mmblhumahna"
"Psst, Charlie."
"What Averman."
"Will you make me a peanut butter and bacon sandwich for breakfast?"
"Are you serious?"
"Please?"
"Fine, just shut up for Christ's sake."
"Okay."
…
"Charlie?"
"What! What do you want now?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight Averman."
…
"Charlie?"
"Why me God?"
"I just wanted to say I love you."
Charlie sighed in disbelief. "I love you to Averman."
"Do you really mean it?"
"Yes, I do. But if you don't shut up and let me sleep I won't have enough energy to make you that sandwich in the morning. And I will probably strangle you."
"You can strangle me if you like, as long as you wait until I've finished my sandwich."
"Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Now, goodnight Averman."
"Sleep tight Sweet Buns."