Artemis Fowl: The Great Astronaut and Cavemen Debate
Special thanks to Surrealshadows for the idea.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.
One lovely spring day in Ireland, a certain boy genius named Artemis Fowl was wandering about his enormous mansion for the sheer helluvit, when he found himself in the kitchen, except it was not his kitchen. His kitchen was clean and orderly. This kitchen (which Artemis only assumed was a kitchen, though it was difficult to tell now) was strewn with bit of food and muck and all sorts of icky things.
In the midst of all the mess and chaos was none other than the infamous Mulch Diggums, flatulent dwarf and pick-pocket extraordinaire.
Ah. That explains so much, Thought Artemis.
"Excuse me, Mr. Diggums. What exactly is it that you think you are doing in what used to be my kitchen?"
"Well, I stopped by to visit and most likely annoy you, and no one was around, so I thought I'd help myself to a snack."
"Ah. And to what do I owe this…pleasure?"
"Hey, can a dwarf not stop by to see his friend once in a while?"
Artemis could feel a headache coming on.
"Ugh. Alright then."
Artemis led Mulch to the sitting room, which was probably only one of a few, but this was the one with the least amount of breakable objects.
"Hey, Arty…"
Artemis flinched at Mulch using his mother's petname for him.
"Yes…Mulchy?"
"If an astronaut and a caveman got in a fight, who would win?"
"…Why?"
"I dunno, I thought you were supposed to be some sort of teenage mastermind. And that question's been bugging me for a long time."
"Well, I don't know, I suppose the…Well…" Artemis was used to having answers to such trivial questions come to him automatically, but this one stumped him completely.
"Er…Butler!" He called.
Not but a few seconds later, Butler rushed in.
"Yes?"
"If an astronaut and a caveman got in a fight, who would win?"
"…Why?"
"Answer the question please, Butler."
In all Butler's years of extensive training, he'd never been prepared for this. But then again, Artemis was usually the one answering questions.
"I'm…not sure. Do the astronauts have weapons?"
"Well, surely they must have some sort of weapon. The caveman would presumably have a pointed stick or fire or something. But there's no oxygen in space, so the fire couldn't possibly stay lit."
"Would they be in space or on the ground?"
"Actually, astronauts wouldn't have been around in caveman times, nor would cavemen be around now."
"Good point. Why are we discussing this?"
"I don't know, Butler, but this is really starting to bother me. I need to know."
Mulch had long ago wandered off to see what he could pilfer before slipping out the back door.
"What could an astronaut use as a weapon?"
"Butler, do I look like an astronaut? That should be such an obvious question, but I find myself at a loss…"
After a long pause, Artemis said, "Screw it, let's just get high."
"Ok."
Wow, that was a crappy ending. I was intending to write another one tonight, but I'll have to put it off until later tonight or tomorrow. If I don't post it soon, you guys will have to nudge me VIA REVIEW –winkwink- slightly.