That Endless Summer Chapter 16: Confessions from the Heart, a home & away fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Home and Away or the songs used. Which by the way, are Always by Bon Jovi, and November Rain by Guns 'n' Roses. Enjoy guys.

That Endless Summer

Chapter Sixteen: Confessions from the heart

"Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what"

-That's When I Love You, Aslyn

I sniffled a little, as Maddie hugged me tighter. Then I heard a noise behind me, and I turned to see Luke and Ric practically running towards us. Hastily I sat up from Maddie and wiped my tears away, trying to appear as calm, and normal, as possible. But failing miserably.

Maddie stood up and brushed the sand off her shorts, before standing in front of me and crossing her arms over her chest, digging her heels into the sand. She was preparing herself for the fight of her life, all to protect me, and she looked as if she'd kill to save me. That's what best friends did.

But I couldn't let her do that. She and Luke, they were closer than Ric and I were to a reconciliation. Luke, he was perfect for her, and she knew that. She had to know that, because she couldn't just throw away their relationship, everything that she had fought for last summer.

Then again, she'd probably tell me exactly the same thing if I ever considered throwing away my relationship with Ric. Although, I thought, as I stood up silently behind her, if she wasn't there, she couldn't stop me.

This Romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

"Maddie" Luke began, but she immediately cut him off.

"No Luke. I don't want to hear it. In fact, I'm so far beyond sick of hearing your excuses. So don't start with me, because you will not win this." She snapped at him, glaring, as he looked at her, taken aback by her abrupt manner.

"Cass and I have endured so much this summer, and I for one am just sick of it. And tonight, I just wanted to have that one night that was perfect. But even that was too much to ask for!" She cried, throwing her hands up in the air dramatically.

Luke took a step towards her, but stopped when she growled at him.

I'd stayed hidden in the darkness until now, as had Ric. But I looked up, and caught his eyes, and just knew. That I needed to fix things. Somehow, I needed to make things right.

Maddie took a breath, about to erupt again, but I grabbed her arm, turned her to look at me and shook my head.

She looked at me, before smiling sadly and nodding back. She pulled me into a hug and whispered "Hoes over bros" in my ear, causing me to grin a little as I pulled away. I sighed a little as I looked anxiously towards Ric, before trudging, almost begrudgingly, towards him. He shyly smiled at me before we began to walk down the beach, leaving a nervous Maddie and Lucas behind us.

The warm air danced around me, leaving a musky smell to mix with the salt-laced haze the ocean was creating. The awkward space between Ric and I sizzled of words yet to be spoken, of tension, of unresolved problems. And of hearts yet to be broken.

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

I hugged my arms around my body and paused finally, as a loud crack of thunder erupted in the distance and my heart started to race a little faster. Ric's arms were around me in a second, pulling me into him, protecting me from the evils of the world. And for a moment I relaxed into his embrace, breathing in his scent. Remembering what it used to be like.

Remembering what could never be again.

He smiled down at me, but it was different to any other smile he'd given me. There was no warmth, no love. Only nostalgia, and the feelings of a love lost over time. A love ruined by a summer that was only supposed to strengthen it.

I pulled away from him quickly and turned to face the horizon, noticing for the first time the dark clouds that had covered the stars of the night.

Ric stood behind me for the moment. I could feel his body heat contrasting against the cool breeze that had arrived from the sea. I could feel his arms itching to worm their way around my waist, around my body. I could sense the lust on his lips. I could imagine the tears stinging his eyes.

But then I felt my own pain. The tears that had fallen from my eyes night after lonely night. The stabbing in my heart when I'd slept restlessly because he was not there next to me. And I just knew that I couldn't do that for another year. I couldn't give my life, my heart, away like that. Because, as epic as we were, I couldn't have my heart broken by him again.

I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

She turned to look at me, her face pinched, trying to hold back the tears that were beginning to fall. I stepped forward towards her, but she moved back away from me and shook her head.

Gulping in deep breaths of air, she opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was a strangled cry, as her hands went to her face, covering it, as her body became wracked with sobs.

"Cass." I said, pulling her towards me. "Come here." My arms wrapped tightly around her, and although she resisted at first, she eventually gave in, and wrapped her arms around my neck, sobbing into my neck as I rubbed her back gently. Thunder sounded around us, as flashes of lightning lit up the world for single moments at a time. Cassie let out one final sob before pushing herself away from me and shaking her head again.

"No Ric." She murmured "No. We can't do this. I can't do this. Not any more."

I looked at her tear stained face, and noticed for the first time how exhausted, how tired, and how sad she really looked.

"Cass," I began, but she held up her hand to stop me.

"It's not that simple Ric. I'm not just going to fall back into your arms. I'm not just going to believe everything will be okay this time." She whispered, her voice barely audible over the thunder that continued to rumble.

"Why not?" I pleaded with her finally. "I love you Cass." I said, taking her hand. "And I know I always will."

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

She smiled a little, as she looked past me. "It's not about the love. It never has been." She sighed sadly, the tears beginning to flow again. "It's about you and me, as separate people. Its about people like Parker," She said, a little harshly, and a stab of guilt went through my stomach. "And its about University, and the job offer." She cried. "It's about us believing for so long that we're meant to be together, when the entire world is telling us that we should be apart." She said finally.

With one loud crack of thunder, the heavens opened, and the downpour began. And with one simple sentence, my heart smashed into a million pieces.

The rain mingled with her salty tears, and I couldn't tell whether it were the tears that were pouring down her face, or whether she was standing there coldly, showing no emotion any more.

"Parker was…," I said, but she laughed bitterly.

"Parker could have been anyone. She was just a simple pawn in fates plan to show us that we're not meant to be Ric."

"But we are Cass" I yelled finally, having had enough of her belief that some… thing was purposely trying to ruin us. I took her hands and linked my fingers through her own. I pulled her towards me, and brought her hands up to my lips, kissing them gently.

"We're meant to be Cass." I said gently, as she looked searchingly into my eyes. "I knew it from the moment you came whirling into my life. I knew it the first time you smiled at me, the first time I heard you laugh. The first time I saw you cry, and the first time I held you in my arms." I continued softly.

"And maybe before that freaked the hell out of me. And maybe it still does freak me out a little. But I'm not going to let you walk out on this. On us, just because you think we won't work. I'm not willing to give up on us." I said, taking one hand and caressing her cheek gently. "Are you?" I asked finally, and she looked up deeply into my eyes.

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye

After what felt like hours, she finally nodded her head and pulled away from my arms once more.

"You've had this amazing job offer Ric. And you've found this amazing place that feels like home to you. You don't know it, but I've watched you. I've seen how happy you've been here despite everything that's happened in the last two weeks. It was like you'd found your new home. And I don't want to take you away from that." She sighed.

"I'd give it up for you." I said, "In a second, if it meant we could be together. I just want to be with you." I said firmly.

"But that's just it." She replied, "I don't want you to do that."

"Why not?" I asked, now worried that she was more than serious.

"Because Ric. It's your dream. I don't want to be responsible for making you throw away your dream." She said sadly.

"But you're part of that dream" I said pleadingly.

"For now." She said cynically. "But what happens if, in a month, or a year, we figure out we're not right any more? You'll have thrown it all away. For nothing."

"Not for nothing." I whispered.

"I won't let you do that."

What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

Her voice, her tone, those words, they all sounded to final. It was like someone had stuck a knife into my heart, and was slowly, cruelly twisting it, prolonging the pain until I surrendered. But I was not willing to go down in this fight. It had all become so clear to me, even if only minutes before I'd been completely willing to throw this away. Not any more.

It was becoming evident that words were not enough to convince Cass that we needed this as much as one another. What I needed was a way that could show her how much I needed her. How much I really loved her. And how much I knew that, no matter what, she'd only ever be the one for me.

She was looking at me sadly, as if she believed she'd finally done what she'd set out to do. Her hair was matted to her head, her shirt clinging to her body tightly. Her eyes were red, bloodshot, from the thousands of tears she'd cried, and her face looked worn, ready to share the wisdom she'd learned before her time.

I reached out for her, and pulled her into me, smashing my lips against her own, kissing her with everything I had.

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

She melted into my embrace, her tongue seeking immediate entrance into my mouth. My hands ran up and down her back, through her damp hair, as the rain beat down on us. Her hands were on my chest then around my neck, and we became lost in our own little world where nothing but the friction between our bodies mattered.

We were creating our own heat, our own passion, and the rain, the wind, none of it mattered.

And that's how I always imagined it would be. That the world would fade away as soon as I saw her. As soon as my skin touched her own, as soon as my lips were against hers. That no matter what, my kisses would always dry her tears. My hands would always heal her wounds. And that I would never, ever, break her heart.

That was what I dreamed.

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

His arms felt so right… wrapped tightly around my waist. It was as if he never wanted to let go of me. But I knew that could never happen. I knew that I'd gone there, and come back, and I didn't want to go back there again. Back to that dark place, where fear, uncertainty, and sadness ruled my life.

Somehow, some way, I'd found my way back to a place where there was this little ray of light. Maddie and I, we'd managed to get through some how. And despite everything this kiss… everything he managed to make me feel with… with one simple look, with one simple touch… despite all of that, I still knew that I'd made the right decision.

Even though my heart was slowly breaking, and I felt as though I could be sick… I knew I could not hold him back from everything he'd ever dreamed about.

Because of two simple words. What if.

I'd realised some time ago, that some things are fated, and some are not. And obviously, no matter how much I loved him; no matter how much I wished we'd have that once upon a time, and the happily ever after, I knew that he wasn't my Prince Charming.

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

I pushed myself away from him and fell to the wet ground. The rain fell harder, as my tears began to spill once more. I was so sick of these tears. And I just didn't want them any more.

"I can't do this." I cried, more to myself than a shell-shocked Ric who stood meters away, breathing heavily still from the intensity of our kiss.

"We can't do this. I won't have my heart broken every time you forget to call, every time you don't reply to an email. Every time you make another girl friend who understands you more than I ever could." I screamed over the rain.

"But Cassie" Ric tried, but I'd heard it enough already.

"NO!" I screamed. "NOT ANY MORE!"

He looked at me, as the tears began to form in his own eyes. I watched as, right in front of my eyes, I shattered his heart.

"Not any more." I repeated, curling into a ball as I cried.

Alone in the rain.

I watched as Cassie and Ric walked off into the distance, before turning to Luke, continuing to glare at him. He smiled apologetically at me, as if that was going to calm me down. As if that was going to fix things.

But he didn't deserve my sympathy, or my forgiveness. Everything that he'd done, he'd done it himself.

Sober.

How does one forgive the supposed 'love of their life' when they can so easily be swayed by other females? How could I even venture to forgive him after he'd ditched me for this entire trip for a tart with a surfboard?

The answer was simple. It could not be done. Fuming silently, I spun on me heels and began to walk quickly away before I heard my name being called. Gently at first, but as I continued to storm off, it became louder, until his hand was on my arm, and he physically pulled me towards him.

"What Luke?" I snapped at him angrily. "What can you possibly say that will fix this?" I cried, looking into his eyes, ignoring that pathetic pleading expression that had been plastered over his face from the moment he and Ric had arrived.

"How about 'I love you'? He asked, shrugging his shoulders as his eyes searched for something within my own soul.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

His hands reached out towards my own, but I moved away from him, and sunk down into the sand, as a loud crack of thunder was heard over head. Looking behind me, I saw the dark storm clouds approaching quickly, and I groaned, realising that I was about to be caught in two vastly different storms. And I wasn't looking forward to either of them.

"Maddie." Luke said, sitting down a little bit away from me. "I love you with my heart and soul." He said, his tone brutally honest. "And I'm sorry." He said, his voice cracking. "About everything. About Lily and Parker, about Ric and I and how we behaved. About Henry. About how I've ruined this summer for you. And especially about not talking to you about the University course I wanted to do." He said, pausing for a moment to see if I would storm off.

Honestly, I didn't have the energy any more. I didn't want to walk away from this. I knew that, despite the last two weeks, Luke at least deserved to be heard out. Even if I walked out at the end, I would hear him out.

"Go on." I whispered, afraid that if I tried to speak any louder my true feelings would be revealed through the tone in my voice. I just needed to listen now. My time for talking would come later.

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

"Where do I even begin?" He sighed.

"How about why you are so desperate to get away from me this year?" I said, more bitterly than I intended to.

His eyes met mine, and he shook his head knowingly.

"How can you even begin to think that?" He asked, "How can you believe for a second that I'd rather be there than with you, wherever you may be."

"Gee, I don't know, maybe the fact that you applied for the course as your first preference when you know we only get offered our first preference to begin with!" I replied sarcastically, as he looked down, ashamed. A twinge of guilt passed through me, and only worsened when Luke finally began to speak.

"When I found that course, I don't know. Something just clicked." He said finally. "I never really had a direction in school. Not until I flipped through the guide and found that one course. There was a moment and I just knew that no matter what happened, I had to get into that course, because it would be the most amazing thing ever." He said, sighing. "But then I realised it was in Canberra, and to begin with, I never imagined that I… that we could handle it."

I looked down, refusing to meet his eyes. Because I had an inkling of what was coming next. And I didn't think I'd like it one bit.

"But the longer I thought about it, the more I realised that you and I, we were, and still are, strong enough to handle it. Because deep down I knew that I'd always end up with you, because we're meant to be Tilly." He said, talking my hand and pulling me through the sand towards him.

"I always thought we could handle anything. Because we were that strong." He said, his hand tilting my head up towards his eyes.

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today

She looked sadly away, but her head eased itself into my hand.

"What if we're not Luke?" She whispered finally.

I felt my heart jump to my throat, and momentarily I stopped breathing. How could she even think that? How could she think that we weren't meant to end up together?

"Maddie, Tilly…" I began, but she looked towards me and shook her head.

"No Luke." She said firmly "I love you with everything I have. But if these two weeks are anything to go by, within two days of that distance, we'd be falling apart. We can't survive that. I'm beginning to think we never could." She said sadly, pulling away from me and hugging her body tightly.

A momentary flash of lightning lit up the sky, and I saw her quickly wipe away a tear that had fallen from her eye. In that moment, our lives flashed in front of my eyes, and I found myself pulling her towards me, into my arms, despite the fact that she struggled against my grip.

"Do you feel that?" I whispered in her ear as she shivered. "I know you do Maddie, because I feel it too. Every time we touch, there's that spark that passes through my body. Its like we're connected, like what we have is beyond physical."

She nodded against my chest, and shivered again as my breath fell lightly on her bare skin.

"And that shiver. Maddie I know no one else could ever do that to you." I said, as her hand reached towards my own, causing goose bumps to appear on my arm where she'd brushed my skin.

"And no one can give me goose bumps like that Tilly." I said, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her into a standing position.

"No one makes me feel the way you do." I said, smiling down at her. "No one could ever love me like you do either. It will always be you Maddie; you know that, right? You'll always be mine." I pleaded with her.

Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine

"But…" She began, but I cut her off. I didn't want her to try to argue any more.

"No, I don't want to hear it. We've been through so much, and I know its possibly the most daunting thing you've ever faced, University, growing up, leaving everything behind, but I'm here for you, and I love you, and together we're going to survive this. We're only going to get stronger."

I was on a roll now, and nothing could stop me. Not until she believed like I did. Not until she saw the truth.

"You're perfect for me." I said gently, taking her hands in mine and wrapping them around my neck. "We just fit. And you can't fight that, can you?" I asked, as she shook her head, tears forming in her eyes.

"Shhh." I said, rubbing away the tear that rolled down her cheek with the pad of my thumb. "There's no reason to cry. I don't want to make you cry ever again."

"I can't help it." She finally spoke. "I wish I had you're faith." She said, her voice strangled, fighting against the winds that had picked up.

"You give me this faith." I replied leaning down to kiss her as the rain began to fall around us. "You make me believe." I said, capturing her lips with my own.

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

She kissed me cautiously at first, as if she'd forgotten the feel of my lips against her own. Her body moved against my own, slowly, excruciatingly, closing the gap that remained between us. It was like our first kiss, our first feeling, and our first moment of love. It was we'd gone back to the beginning, and neither of us knew where we really stood with one another.

Like the bonds of love had unraveled and now we were slowly piecing them all back together again.

Like last summer.

We'd all tried so hard to put the past behind us. To trust one another to no ends. To have that undeniable faith that would always push us back towards one another. And having her in my arms, I could feel that she was still terrified of a repeat. That one day she'd wake up and I'd not be there any more.

I could sense her confusion, her fear, her sadness. Because I knew her, and I knew that I'd made her go through hell and back these last few days. No matter what, I never wanted to do that to her again. Because it had planted the seeds of doubt in her mind, and I never wanted her to doubt my love.

Because I never doubted hers. It was the one constant in my life that had become the focus for me to survive. I had to live for her, because she was my everything. She was my all.

I never told her that enough either.

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

Her body had moved against my own, moulding into it, causing friction and sparks and feelings unlike anything I could remember. But something I knew I could never live without. Gently, I pulled myself away from her and pushed her hair out of her eyes.

"You know I want to marry you one day." I said, as she giggled a little, but still looked unsure of herself. "I'm not going to do it now, because I'd have you running for the hills in seconds, but one day, I'm going to get down on one knee and tell you that I'll love you for all eternity, and that I want to share my life with you." I said, as she began to smile.

"And then we're going to have two beautiful children, and live in a pretty little house in the country side, and you're going to write that story that you've always dreamt about writing, and I'm going to worship the ground you walk on. And we're going to have our very own Happily Ever After." I said, taking her hand and putting it against my chest.

"Because this heart beats for you, and only you." I said seriously, as tears began to well in her eyes once more.

"Oh Luke." She said, wiping away the tears hastily. "Do you really believe that?" She asked, taking a step back away from me, as the rain began to haze her figure.

"Yeah." I said, reaching out for her. "Yeah I do."

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

She smiled oddly at me, before moving back a little.

"Maddie." I called out to her "What's wrong?"

"What happens if it doesn't end up like that?" She called through the rain. "I don't want to live with a broken heart."

"I'll never break your heart." I promised to her, but still she didn't come closer.

"You can't promise me forever Luke. What happens if it's not?" She cried, and I could see her hands go towards her eyes, wiping away the tears once more.

"What's wrong with forever Maddie? Its not a dream, not for me!" I replied firmly, but she shook her head.

"You don't know that. We might not be right for one another. We might just be living in this convenient relationship that's been defined because of …" She paused there, searching for the right words. "Because we didn't know any better."

"Don't do this Tilly." I pleaded with her. "Don't throw us away."

"I'm not Luke." She cried. "But what if?" She yelled. "What if one day, there's someone else. I can't live like that. I can't live a lie!"

"We're not!" I cried, reaching out for her and pulling her to me again. "We won't be." I said softly, as she grabbed at my shirt and pulled herself further towards me, crying into my chest.

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I pulled against Luke's shirt and willed for all the pain to flow out of my body with these tears that I continued to cry. Nothing felt right any more. I willed myself to react to his hands on my skin, to his strong, protective embrace, but I couldn't figure out what I felt any more.

Everything just felt so wrong.

Yet I stayed in his arms, for comfort, for love. I didn't know any more. All I knew was that I was too scared to be alone. And too tired of feeling like I had felt for the last week. The ultimate fear of us not being destined, it had always been fresh in my mind, but when Luke had kissed me, it had disappeared momentarily.

Because somewhere hidden in that kiss, there has been hope. And trust. And the love that I knew Luke would always have for me. And for a moment I was home.

Then it had all faded away.

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame

"Luke." I sniffed, as the rain pelted down against my back. "I don't know if we can do this." I said honestly, as he pulled away to face me.

"Maddie, I'm so truly sorry for this summer. I ruined everything, and I've wished more than a million times tonight that if I could, I'd take it back and make everything right. But I can't, so all I have is this apology, which I'm giving to you with all my love, with all my heart and soul. I need you to be there for me, by my side. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. I'll need you there for me." He said, his hand gently caressing my face.

"You'll always be my life." He said "And I need you to know that. And I need you to believe that. Because I love you." He said, as I nodded, looking up into his blue eyes.

"I love you too Luke." I said, leaning up slowly and timidly pressing my lips against his own.

So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

And somehow, I managed to pull myself out of the darkness and I suddenly found myself somewhere else. Floating between belief and hate. Floating between one life and the next. I found myself pretending that I felt these things, pretending that I believed these things.

And in this pretend world, things were clearer. Things were safer. My heart came package wrapped in bubble wrap to protect it from the inevitable moment when it would get smashed accidentally on the floor.

When I broke apart from Luke and the kiss that embodied all of the lies, all of the secrets, all of the darkness I'd have to hide from Luke, I looked up to find that the rain had stopped, and the sky was clearing once more.

It had become a new day.

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

AN: Jess hides from angry reviewers... Don't throw sharp objects. I bleed. This chapter was hard to write, but I like how it turned out in the end. There are still more chapters, plenty of time tomakethings right. Also, thanks to Jade, my completely awesome beta who has been wonderful throughout the entire story!