Chapter Seven
The shroud of night fell over the city, and darkness ruled the galactic capital. Dayla curled up in the chair and tried to finish up the report about the last mission, but her thoughts kept drifting back to Senator Amidala. During their short conversation, the Jedi sensed a thoroughly hidden wave of dislike and to her utter astonishment, jealousy storming off the Nubian Senator. Could something be going on between Anakin and her?
Of course not.
Dayla grinned and shook her head. It was a ridiculous thought, for her mind was playing tricks on her. However, she still felt uneasy at this idea, as clouds of suspicion began to overtake her heart. What if Padmé loved Anakin, and he-?
It is impossible. She is Senator, and he is Jedi.
A speeder whooshed by, its light blinding her for a second. Dayla stood up and drew curtains shut. Quiet darkness swallowed the room, broken only by rhythmic ticking of chronometer on the wall. Putting the report aside, Dayla lowered herself onto the floor and tried meditating.
She broke her mental barriers and let her self melting with the Force ocean. She listened to the soothing flow of glowing waters, and saw her own light floating in it, among thousands of others. Whenever she was scared or depressed, becoming one with the Force always comforted her and restored her inner balance. Dayla felt her mind leaving her body and joining the Force. Her breathing became low and even, and at this moment, she forgot about Anakin and her desperate love for him. She was a Jedi, and Jedi weren't supposed to form emotional attachments. Meditating lessened the ache in her soul for brief period of time, but as soon as she would finish the session, pain always returned.
She hadn't seen Anakin for years, and she had even forgotten what he looked like. She only remembered his piercing and at the same time soft cerulean eyes, which never left her in her dreams. She would always remember the way how his hands touched her and the way her skin burned from his touch… During all these years, the sharp spikes of love lessened their grip on her heart, and she managed to bury her feelings for Anakin in the deepest recesses of her soul.
But buried emotions overwhelmed her again with a fury of gigantic merciless wave as their paths crossed again, and she felt herself choking from this overpowering flood. Dayla wondered how she managed to move and talk like other people who had no savage turmoil in their souls. Every moment, she expected herself to burst with the power of an exploding star or simply burn out.
She recalled the look of elation on Anakin's face when he had seen her this morning, the way his eyes glowed. Her heart was still beating faster from his smile, and she could still feel his scent, which calmed and intoxicated her at the same time. He was more than happy to see her…
Could it mean that he shares my feelings?
A shy seed of hope blossomed in her heart, and the polluted air of Coruscant smelled like flowers to her. Maybe, she didn't have to bury her feelings? After that fateful night, he had told her that it was a mistake and that he was sorry for giving her false hope. They haven't seen each other until today, but Dayla would never forget the most wonderful moment of her life. It could be possible that Anakin looked back too, and that his feelings towards her changed. He was as happy to see her as she was, Dayla was sure of that. Her heart raced faster, and excitement flooded through her so strongly that she felt herself dizzy.
Did Anakin truly share her feelings? The more she thought about it, the more plausible it seemed. Many things could happen with time, and Anakin did change. She could tell that he wasn't anymore the same young man she had parted with five years ago. Her breathing quickened and a slight smile lit her young features.
I love him … and he loves me.
Her entire being bursting from sudden flood of energy, she had to resist a strong temptation to wake up Senator Amidala and dance with her, or to climb at the Coruscant's highest tower and announce the whole galaxy that she was in love with Anakin Skywalker, and that he loved her too…
She was raised at the Temple since she was a baby, and it was her home. But deep down, Dayla always wondered what would have happened with her if she were brought up in a loving family, with brothers and sisters surrounding her. Would she be a different person than she was now? At nights, Dayla often lay awake and tried to remember what her true parents were like. But her memory was blank. Did she inherit her dark red hair from her mother or from her father? Did her mother have exactly the same grey eyes like she did? She would never find it out. She didn't even know if her parents still lived.
Anakin was different than all the other Jedi. He grew up with his mother; he was loved and taken care of by a parent, not a serene Jedi Master. He knew what shelter of parents arms felt like. Before she had met Anakin, Dayla had never thought much of her real parents, and she felt complete at the Temple. But as they had grown closer, Anakin had started to tell her of his past, tales about his mother. Looking at his eyes shining with love, Dayla had started to question herself if it was right of the Jedi to take babies away from home. The Jedi were missing a piece of soul that couldn't be replaced by meditating or blind devotion to the code. Anakin had shown her a hole inside of her she wasn't aware of, and as time passed, Dayla started to ache for a bond of family instead of belonging to the strict order.
Anakin was the only Jedi who could teach her what living in a family felt like, and he was the only one who could fill the void in her soul with warmness and love. He had never been an ordinary Jedi, and he had a skill of leading people after him, and people followed him blindly. He was a fierce and devoted friend, loyal enough to sacrifice his life for those he loved, and he was loved in return. Spending time with Anakin had changed her, Tak and Darriss, and years of friendship formed an unbreakable bond between them. The two of them would make sure that their friends long gone would never be forgotten.
Anakin was the only Jedi in this galaxy she could love. As she thought back to the beginning, she couldn't tell when friendship grew into hot, passionate love. It just happened, and Dayla didn't regret for any second the choice her heart made. He was special, and he deserved to be loved. It didn't matter to her that she was forbidden to love.
Then a thought crossed her mind, a thought that made her heart drop. Could she and Anakin have a future together? They both were Jedi, and they swore a commitment to the Order. If they gave in to their feelings, and the Council found out about them, they would be expelled. Dayla pondered about it for a moment, then she decided that she didn't care what would happen to her as long as Anakin was at her side. They would have to live a lie, but it was worth it.
Through the Force, Dayla felt anguish and desperation crawling in the room, mirroring exactly her own. She didn't need to reach further into the Force to determine the source of disturbance. Dayla snapped her eyes open and surfaced from the energy ocean. She stood up and walked to the bedroom.
Whimpering was coming from the bedroom, and snapping the door open, Dayla saw Padmé sleeping restlessly. Dayla knew all too well what it felt like to be plagued by nightmares, and her heart concerted with compassion. She entered the room and approached the bed, resolved to break the dream and Padmé's torture.
Padmé moaned heart-wrenchingly, and Dayla extended her arm to shake the other woman's shoulder.
"Anakin, no!" Padmé yelled in her sleep. "I love you!"
Dayla stood rigidly, her hand stretched awkwardly in the air. Blood seemed to freeze in her veins, and her heart stopped beating. She thought she was going to be sick. After what seemed eternity, Dayla half-ran, half-crawled out of the room, keeping her hands over her mouth.
Padmé loves Anakin…She loves Anakin…
The world shattered around her, as she collapsed into the armchair, and forgetting about years of Jedi education, broke into sobs.
The night fell down when Anakin returned to the guesthouse. Usually, conversations with Palpatine helped him calm down, but after talking with his friend this time, he grew even more restless. What if the Chancellor were right and he wasn't ever supposed to marry Padmé?
He entered the room. It was pitch black, lit only by occasional lights of the speeders.
"Anakin," a quiet voice called him from the darkness. He turned around and saw Dayla curled up in a chair. She was pale, and only her eyes were gleaming brightly. The same gleam he hadn't seen since that night.
He approached her. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine." She jerked towards the bedroom. "Senator Amidala is asleep. I think she's plagued by nightmares."
Anakin sighed inwardly. He knew Padmé and he had to talk, but he didn't think he was ready to face her, to listen to her apologies. He also had one confession to make, one he had been mastering courage for for three years.
Dayla stared at him. Her gaze was harsh. "Why does she keep calling your name in her sleep?"
Anakin stopped dead in his tracks. Dayla was calm, and that's what unnerved him – she was never calm.
"Padmé and I are very close friends," he said heavely. Well, it was truth from a certain point of view. They were only too close for friends. "She has been through a terrible ordeal, and now she needs her friends."
Dayla simply gazed at him, her eyes void and emotionless. "Only friends?" she asked him, her voice hollow.
Anakin lowered his eyes. He knew that he had to tell her everything, but he didn't have the heart to do it yet. Dayla continued to scrutinise him.
Anakin, no!, Padmé's voice erupted from the bedroom. Dayla's lower lip trembled.
"Go to her," she said quietly, not looking at him. "I'll be downstairs."
With these words, she stormed out of the room before he had had opportunity to stop her. The door hissed angrily in her wake, and choking silence spread over the room, broken only by Padmé's whimpering.
Anakin entered the bedroom and saw Padmé tossing restlessly in her sleep. Her forehead was covered with sweat, and she kept calling him. His heart ached at the desperate tone of her pleas, and he had to restrain a great urge to run to her and cradle her in his arms, to tell her he loved her despite everything.
Cautiously, he sat on the edge of her bed and gently shook her shoulder. "Senator Amidala," he called.
Her forehead was wrinkled, and tears were streaming down her cheeks. He stroked her cheek and squeezed her hand.
"Padmé, wake up," Anakin said softly.
At the sound of his voice, her enormous brown eyes snapped open, and she stared at him in shock, her face screwed with fear.
"Ani, is that really you?" she asked quietly. "Or will the darkness suffocate you?"
Padmé looked so young and vulnerable at this moment, that Anakin forgot his anger towards her for a moment. She was suffering, and he only made her suffering worse.
"It's me, Padmé," he replied, stroking her lightly. "Everything is alright."
Padmé whimpered and flung herself into his arms, still trembling from the dream. She was clutching at him so tightly as if she wanted to melt into him. Anakin closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath.
"Ani, I'm so sorry," Padmé murmured into his tunic. She pressed herself onto him even closer. "I'm so sorry."
A vision of Padmé fiercely kissing Taren flashed before his eyes, and involuntarily, he jerked away from her. Two bodies entwined into a hot, passionate embrace…He released himself from Padmé's grip and walked away from the bed, facing a dull grey wall.
She made a mistake. It happens.
But he could never think that Padmé, the woman he loved beyond anything, could deceive him.
You deceived her too, don't forget it.
"Why, Padmé?" Anakin asked flatly, still surveying the wall. He couldn't bring himself to face her, to see her heartbroken face. He couldn't stand tears in her brown eyes.
"I don't know what came over me," Padmé whispered. "I-," she started to speak, then broke off.
A strained silence ruled the room, and Anakin could hear his own heartbeat. A loud sob rang out like a canon fire. Padmé was crying, and he behaved like a stranger…he did nothing to ease her pain, he only made it worse.
"There were rumours of your death," Padmé managed to say between the choking sobs. "I saw your body, Ani. I thought you were dead."
I thought you were dead. These words slapped Anakin hard across the face, and he had to lean on the wall to prevent himself from falling over. She believed in a preposterous death rumour. Their love was so strong that they felt each other's emotions even if they were apart. It was a sacred bond that he treasured above all. Whenever he was in a battle field, he could still feel Padmé by his side. Even the mere reminiscence of her spread warmth over his soul and helped him through most desperate hours. He had believed that she felt the same.
She believed in my death because she doesn't feel a bond between us.
Anakin run his hands through his hair. His breath was ragged, and tried to reach into the Force to calm down. But it didn't help.
She doesn't love me as much as I do her.
He refused it to be true. They were meant to be together, he knew that. On the other hand, she didn't want anything from him at the beginning. When did she fall in love with him? On Naboo, among the beautiful green meadows? Or was it on Tatooine, when his mother had died? He was good-looking, and Padmé could simply be attracted to him because of his good looks. As for his breakdown after his mother's death, Padmé had probably only shown compassion and sympathy for him. She did confess him her love on Geonosis under the fear of death. Was it love at all? Deep, consuming love that captures one's heart and makes it impossible to think straight, to breathe evenly?
Maybe, she doesn't love me at all.
A blinding flash of white light exploded in his head at this thought, and he gave out a pained cry. He punched madly at the wall with his flesh hand, and the stone cracked under the power of his blow. Dust enveloped him in a cloud, and his vision was obscured. He felt numb and cold.
A stabbing pain in his hand brought him back into the present. He looked down at it. It was bleeding. Red drops of blood fell onto the carpet. Red was a colour of love. Love he felt for Padmé and she didn't for him.
"Ani, your hand," Padmé squeaked anxiously.
Anakin snorted and turned around. She was staring at his bleeding hand in fear. She is afraid of me. Anakin clenched his hand in a fist and laughed bitterly.
"You thought your husband were dead and jumped at the first man you laid your eyes on?"
Padmé stared at him in shock. Her mouth was half-open, and tears were storming down her cheeks like waterfalls on Naboo where they have sworn eternal love and loyalty to each other. Only their eternity didn't last long.
"It's not like that at all," Padmé choked out. "You were gone for so long, and I missed you so terribly-"
You were gone for so long. The rest of her sentence sank into nothingness, as Anakin mused over her words. He was usually gone for months, and spent only few days on Coruscant. Maybe, Chancellor Palpatine was right and they didn't have a future together. Maybe, Padmé deserved someone who would be by her side every day, someone who would comfort her after a nightmare and not be the cause of one?
"Ani, I love you," Padmé said desperately. "It won't happen again."
Even the closest persons to us are capable of betrayal, Palpatine's words rang in his ears. If Padmé was capable of it once, she could do it again. He didn't know what secrets the future held.
"Would this kiss have become more?" Anakin asked in a muffled voice, uncertain if he wanted to know the answer.
He surveyed her intensely, determined to see her reaction. Although he was angry and confused, Anakin couldn't help but admire how beautiful she was, even with her eyes red and puffy. The way her wonderful curls framed her face, making her look both fragile and powerful. He felt himself falling in love with her even more with each heartbeat, but he had never been as uncertain as if he was now as to if she returned his feelings.
Padmé averted his eyes and pursed her lips. Please, say no. Please, say no.
The chronometer clicked rhythmically and seconds passed, but she still hasn't answered his question.
At last, she looked up, her gaze haunted and full of guilt. His heart made a painful leap. "I don't know," she whispered barely audible. "Oh Force, I don't know."
A new fit of tears overcame her, and she broke again into loud, desperate sobs. Anakin wanted to lower himself on the floor and weep with her, but he was too numb. His eyes burned, but there were no tears in his eyes.
It's time to confess her.
"You were mind-tricked, Padmé," Anakin said evenly. His consciousness screamed that strong-willed people like his wife were nearly impossible to mind-trick, but he ignored it. He inhaled deeply, mastering courage for his next words. "But I wasn't when I deceived you."
Padmé looked baffled at him. "What?" she asked, forgetting about her tears.
"Dayla and I were intimate, Padmé," Anakin said, a wave of shame and guilt washing over him again as he heard a phantom girl voice confessing her love to him, her grey eyes looking at him pleadingly.
Padmé's brown eyes were harsh and bitter. Anakin hated to break her heart two days in a row. "When?" she asked simply.
Anakin sighed and run his hands through his hair again, dishevelling it even more. "Five years ago, after Tak and Darriss died."
The memories of that fateful mission flooded into his mind. Green eyes staring glassy at him…Dayla's piercing shriek…The explosive sound of blaster fire and Tak's wide eyes watching the death coming at him…
Padmé laughed. It was a cold and somewhat insane laughter. "You're angry with me because I kissed someone, and you slept with another woman?"
"I made a mistake," Anakin said sincerely.
Padmé stared at him. Her gaze was opaque. "Get out," she said shortly. "I don't want to see you."
"What? Padmé-" Anakin stared, but his words were drowned in a piercing shriek.
"Get out! Out!" She threw a pillow at him, then another. Feathers were flying everywhere.
Looking at Padmé's red, fury-stricken face, Anakin backed away from the room. A loud cry reached his ears as he was at the door, and then a lamp hit him hardly on the back. As the door slid behind him, he thought he heard her howling madly.
A/N: I'm terribly sorry for the delay! I actually wanted to post this chapter on Tuesday, but my computer seems to have some problems, and I can't even log in. (?) My friend, Idrelle, is posting it for me. Thank her very much! ;)
Thank you so much for your lovely reviews! I enjoyed reading very much, but I can't reply to you – lack of time and my mysterious inability to log in stop me.
I was a bit surprised that you didn't recognise the prisoner at the end of the last chapter, though. Think a bit, who had lost two legs and two arms in chapter four? A small hint: Anakin sliced this person in anger because he had busted him kissing his wife. (wink wink)
Next chapter tells what exactly happened between Anakin and Dayla five years ago (this means two years BEFORE Anakin and Padmé had met and married) and Padmé's reaction to it.
I'll update soon, but I can try to do it VERY soon if I get a couple of reviews. :D
Come on, people, logging in and posting a review takes about two minutes! (Assuming you can log in) Only two minutes, and you make CrazyAni very happy. Heheh. ;)
Till next chapter!