Moiraine is having a hard time.

After the attack, the Aes Sedai stayed for two more days to help Lord Agelmar and his soldiers, though it was obvious that the Lord wanted them to leave.

Perrin and Loial left Fal Dara with Lord Ingtar and a few of his soldiers to search for Padan Fain and the stolen horn. Nynaeve and Egwene tried to convince him to come with them back to the White Tower, but the young man couldn't forget how the peddler had mocked him.

So, Nynaeve and Egwene left with the Aes Sedai, their Warders, and the Amyrlin. Although Nynaeve tried her best to stay as far away as possible from the Aes Sedai and made sure that Egwene stayed by her side.

Lan did his best to keep them company, while Moiraine was with her sisters. Even Maksim and Ihvon, who knew Nynaeve from when the Aes Sedai had captured Logain, made sure to spend some time with the two young women.

At night, the women were found at the Warders' fire, where they all were seen laughing. Moiraine never joined the Warders' fire and neither did the other Aes Sedai. But she couldn't ignore the fact that Lan seemed happy. She watched him from her place at the Aes Sedai's fire and her heart ached whenever she saw him laughing with Nynaeve. The young woman had him wrapped around her finger, and he didn't even know it.

Of course, Lan noticed that she was watching him. From time to time, his eyes found hers and then he tilted his head questioningly, but she always shook her head or ignored his unspoken question completely. When he entered their tent to sleep, she always pretended to be asleep. Without the bond, she didn't know if he knew that she was pretending or if he actually believed it, and she never asked him. In the morning, she got up early and joined her sisters.

Those who knew Moiraine better saw what she was doing. Both Siuan and Alanna had a close eye on the blue sister. They also noticed that Moiraine was present at their meetings, but never spoke. Either she was listening or somewhere else with her thoughts.

After a few days, even Liandrin noticed the change when Moiraine didn't respond to an insult, which was directed at her. So, she followed Moiraine when she went to a nearby river alone. The woman of the Blue Ajah used this time to think about her next steps, sitting at the shore, hugging her legs. What would she do in the White Tower? Her yellow sisters would examine her and Lan, but what if they would discover that she was indeed stilled? What would she do? What was her purpose when she couldn't be an Aes Sedai anymore? Where would she go?

"What is wrong with you?"

Surprised, Moiraine looked up when she heard Liandrin's voice behind her. Sighing, Liandrin sat down beside her, looking over the river. "For days, you haven't been saying a word. You just sit with us, nibble at your food - light, I'm not even sure if you really eat something. So, what is wrong with you?"

Moiraine wanted to answer her, but her mouth didn't move. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't open her lips. How could she explain this to Liandrin when she couldn't even speak to Lan?

Sadly, the red sister thought that Moiraine ignored her on purpose, which made her angry. "You can't hide forever, Moiraine. Now, the Amyrlin may hold her hand above you because she doesn't want to lose a Daughter, but as soon as our sisters in the White Tower find out that you have been stilled, she will let you lose."

Liandrin saw how Moiraine's facial muscles moved in anger. The woman of the Blue Ajah couldn't form words to express her anger, but she still didn't like what Liandrin was saying. And Liandrin was glowing because she got a reaction out of Moiraine. "But this shouldn't be a problem for someone like you. Am I right, Lady Moiraine Damodred? If I remember correctly, wasn't it the original plan to put you on the sun throne?"

"Liandrin!" Alanna appeared behind the two sisters. "This is enough!"

"Alanna, how nice of you to join us. You Greens always have to save our blue sisters, don't you?"

"You should leave, Liandrin."

The red sister sighed heavily, but at least she didn't complain. Instead, she got back on her feet. "Always a pleasure talking to you, Moiraine."

Alanna murdered Liandrin with her gaze, while the blonde woman only smiled sweetly when she passed her green sister.

"Light, sometimes I really hate her.", Alanna said with gritted teeth "Why does she always have to be like this?"

When Moiraine didn't respond, the green sister sat down beside her friend. "Don't listen to her. I can't believe that you have been stilled."

Alanna tried to touch Moiraine's shoulder, but her blue sister turned away from her touch. Hurt moved over Alanna's face, which she couldn't hide. "I'm not Liandrin, Moiraine.", she whispered quietly "I don't like to hurt you. Not with words or by touch. You're my friend."

Again, she tried to place her hand on Moiraine's shoulder, but Moiraine leaned away. "Please, don't."

Those were the first words, the woman of the Blue Ajah managed to get over her lips, though they were barely audible.

"Moiraine..."

"Please, Alanna. I want to be alone."

The green sister sighed heavily but didn't try to touch her friend again. "As you wish."

Heavy-heartedly, Alanna got back on her feet and left her sister.

As soon as she was gone, Moiraine sighed and closed her eyes. She was thankful for Alanna's help against Liandrin, but no one could understand her. No matter how much they tried to. All of them were still able to touch the source.

"I understand that you don't want to talk to Liandrin, but Alanna?"

"Not now, Lan."

The Warder stepped closer to his Aes Sedai. "You've been avoiding me for a while now. How long do you want to keep up with this silence?"

"Apparently, I'm not very successful since everyone is following me."

Lan winced at her biting tone, then he kneeled down beside her and placed his hand on her back. Immediately, Moiraine leaned away from his touch. "Don't."

But Lan wasn't Alanna. He knew his Aes Sedai and he knew that she was torturing herself. Gently, his hands moved over her shoulder and her arm, while she tried to escape his touch.

"Don't."

She moved her body very ineffectively, though her Warder didn't give up until he could pull her against his chest and cradled her head. And even then, she fought against his embrace and tried to push him away. "Let go of me."

Silent tears were running down her cheeks. She didn't deserve Lan's comfort. She didn't deserve him. Not after what she had done to him. After masking their bond and leaving him behind without telling him. "Why don't you leave me alone?"

"I know you, Moiraine. I can't feel you anymore, but I still know you. You push everyone away, so they don't see what you actually feel. Well, this doesn't work for me."

"You should hate me."

"I could never hate you. You're my Aes Sedai. The woman, who I swore to protect until the day I die. I love you."

This was too much for the poor woman. Sobs escaped her lips and shook her body, while her fingers grabbed his tunic desperately. Lan's finger stroked softly her hair. He didn't say a word, while Moiraine cried against his chest.

It took her several minutes before her tears subsided, but she couldn't let go of Lan. No matter how much she didn't deserve his sympathy, she couldn't lie to herself. She needed his comfort.

Luckily, Lan understood Moiraine's needs and wasn't ready to let her go either. He placed his hand under her knees, then he carried her back to their tent.

Lan placed her on her bed before he grabbed a blanket and arranged it around her shoulders.

"How are Nynaeve and Egwene?"

"Don't."

Questioningly, she looked at him. What had she said wrong?

"I don't want to talk about Nynaeve or your sisters or anyone else we know. Talk to me, Moiraine."

"I thought that's what I was doing."

Lan shook his head. Usually, she knew it better than to twist words with him. "I want to know how you feel. Our bond is masked, so you have to use words to fill the gaps."

When she turned her head away, he kneeled down in front of her and cupped her face in his hands. "Come on, Moiraine. It's me. I'm not going anywhere."

"You're free.", Moiraine whispered suddenly.

Confused, Lan furrowed his forehead. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm not an Aes Sedai anymore. I can't use the One Power. Warders bond themselves to women, who can channel. I can't do that anymore, so I'll give you my permission to choose. Stay by my side or protect Nynaeve. One day, she will become a powerful Aes Sedai and will need a strong Warder like you."

"Moiraine..."

"You love her, Lan. I can't give you anything right now. Not a purpose, not a goal, nothing."

Lan's facial muscles moved in anger when he retreated his hands and folded them in his lap. "Why do you push me away?"

"There is no future with me. But you could have a future with Nynaeve."

"What makes you think that I would...?"

But Moiraine didn't let him finish. She had this plan for him since she had left him in Fal Dara behind. Nynaeve was his future, and he belonged to her. He didn't want to see it, so Moiraine had to make him see. "I don't want your answer now. Think about it and do it thoroughly. This is your chance to change your life. To protect the woman, who you truly love."

Lan opened his mouth, but Moiraine cut him off again. "And now I want to be alone."

The woman of the Blue Ajah saw how Lan opened and closed his fists rapidly in anger. His facial muscles moved constantly as if he was chewing his words. In the end, he punched the ground - which made Moiraine flinch - then he left their tent without a word.

Silent tears ran down Moiraine's cheek, then she pulled the blanket closer around herself and curled up into a ball.

Lan had left the camp. Moiraine's words had made him angry and like his Aes Sedai, he wanted to be alone to regain his composure. Why did she always have to push him away? What had he done to give her the feeling he would leave her? Just because she couldn't channel anymore?

The Warder had taken off his tunic and went through his training, while his thoughts were spinning. Of course, he loved Nynaeve, but he also loved Moiraine. She had been his partner for twenty years. They had fought against Trollocs and Myrddraals. They had visited many towns, searching for the Dragon Reborn. Some of the villagers had been friendly, while some of them hadn't been able to get over their hatred for Aes Sedai. Some villagers even had called the Whitecloaks, who had nearly captured Moiraine and Lan.

Both of them had received multiple injuries during their journeys - some of them more dangerous than others - but they had survived. Because they had been together.

And then they had visited the Two Rivers, and Lan had met Nynaeve. The young woman had interested him from the first moment he had laid eyes on her. She was strong, had a sharp tongue, was devoted to her friends, cared for her people, and was a real beauty. Of course, he had tried to stay away from her. He had known his mission, and that he would go with Moiraine to the Eye of the World. And when Egwene had mentioned that Nynaeve had been taken by a Trolloc, he had forgotten about the woman until she had found him outside of Shadar Lagoth.

`No, she had followed Moiraine, not me.´

Lan shook his head when he thought about the moment, the Wisdom had told him about Moiraine's tell. A tell he hadn't noticed in twenty years. But this young woman had seen it, which had amazed him.

The blade moved smoothly through the air. His training always helped him to calm himself. And now, he needed it more than ever. Moiraine had lost her ability to channel. The Aes Sedai didn't believe that she was stilled - he had heard how Alanna had mentioned it to her Warders - but it seemed as if Moiraine had lost all hope to find a solution for her current situation. He understood that she was pushing Liandrin away - the red sister was a snake and Nynaeve's description had been very fitting. A part of him even understood why she pushed away Alanna as well, though he disagree with it. But now, she gave him permission to choose who he wanted to follow? To break his oath and to follow Nynaeve to the White Tower? How could he do that? It would hurt Moiraine if he would bond another woman. And he hated to see her hurt. He didn't want to be the reason for her pain.

A branch broke behind his back. Quickly, the Warder turned around and swung his sword. His blade stopped an inch in front of Nynaeve's throat. Her eyes were wide when she realized her mistake. It was a terrible idea to sneak up on Lan.

"I was searching for you."

Lan released his breath then he withdrew his sword. "Why?"

"Do I need a reason?"

Instead of an answer, Lan raised an eyebrow at her. He didn't believe that the young woman didn't have a reason for searching for him. And he was right. Way too soon Nynaeve turned her head to avoid his gaze. "Liandrin likes to talk."

There was still no answer from the silent Warder. He knew Liandrin for quite a while now. He knew that she liked to talk a lot and he had a bad feeling about who she was talking.

"Apparently, Moiraine is her favorite subject."

Lan nodded. It was just what he had expected. "What is she saying?"

"That Moiraine isn't an Aes Sedai anymore and that the Amyrlin will have to see that very soon."

He almost smiled at her words. If Liandrin would ever find out how close Moiraine and Siuan actually were, he would love to be there to see Liandrin's face.

Nynaeve saw the smile that tugged on Lan's lips, though he tried his best to hide it. "She also mentioned that as soon as Moiraine would officially be no Aes Sedai anymore, you would be free to choose another Aes Sedai in the future."

"Don't listen to everything that Liandrin is saying.", Lan said through gritted teeth. Light, how much he wanted to strangle the red sister. She may be a snake, but she had good eyes. And she was using Nynaeve's feelings for him to give her hope.

"I'm not an Aes Sedai, but I'm not stupid.", Nynaeve snapped at him "I know that you wouldn't leave Moiraine."

Surprised, Lan looked at her. How could she know something he didn't even know?

"You've sworn an oath, and as long as she is alive, you will keep this oath. No matter if she is a powerful Aes Sedai or just a simple woman without the ability to touch the source. You are a loyal man, Lan Mandragoran."

The Warder stepped forward and pressed his lips on hers. She had described his feelings perfectly. Something he couldn't have done any better. Although she only knew him for a short time, she understood him and his motives. No matter what would await Moiraine and him at the White Tower, he would stay at the side of his stubborn Aes Sedai.

Nynaeve breathed heavily when he ended the kiss. "You're a wise woman, Wisdom."

"I won't be a Wisdom anymore when we reach Tar Valon."

Lan nodded. She was right. Even Moiraine kept telling him that Nynaeve would be a powerful Aes Sedai one day. Stronger than Moiraine and Siuan, and he had no doubt about it. "One day, you will find a man, who will swear this oath to you. Who will protect you for the rest of his life. And I will make sure that he is nothing but the best."

"You're the best.", Nynaeve whispered and kissed him again. Her hands moved over his bare back, which was warm from the sun.

Lan used his free hand to press her against him, though he had to remind himself that they weren't alone here. Another Warder or an Aes Sedai could come by any second, so he had to stop himself before he went too far.

With his forehead leaned against hers, he inhaled her scent. The scent of herbs. Light, he really wished they would be back in his room in Fal Dara. "You should go back to Egwene now before I overstep a line."

"What if I want you to overstep the line?" Nynaeve placed a kiss as light as a feather on his lips, and a growl erupted from Lan's throat, which made her smile.

"This is hardly the place to forget my good manners."

She kissed him again, then she stepped back. Lan's fingers itched. For a moment, he wanted to pull her back to him, but he resisted the urge. This wasn't the place to do this.

"Fine. I'll stop torturing you, but I don't want to go back. Egwene is following the Aes Sedai all the time, asking for advice. She would start with her training right here if the Amyrlin would allow it. So, I'll sit here and watch you."

She sat down on a fallen tree and looked at him invitingly. Lan sighed heavily before he turned around. This day was getting worse with every minute.

The next chapter will be uploaded on Sunday.

Reviews are always appreciated ❤️