Announcer: In the last episode of Soap, Mary came home from rehab, but was still uncertain about her future. Since Burt noticed that she was afraid that she was not going to be able to overcome her problem alone, he decided to help her by having sex when she had cravings for booze. Danny move in with Annie, which helped him over his depression and a depressed Jodie is uncertain about his future with Maggie. Meanwhile, Benson came back to the Tate household and Saunders quit!
Depressed? You won't be after this episode of SOAP!
Governor Luncheon:
(Burt is talking to the governor and his assistant)
Governor: Bat, we haven't seen you in awhile. We thought that you were dead.
Gene: I swear that his parents were related.
Burt: Funny you should mention that Governor. I was almost killed in a drug bust.
Gene: For God sakes Bat, are you all right?
Burt: Yeah, just a knick in the leg, that's all. It's better now.
Gene: Thank God for that. So Bat, what'll it be?
Governor: Yeah, what'll it be?
Burt: What are you talking about?
Gene: Running for the Senate.
Burt: Oh that! I decided I won't run for the senate.
Gene: Why the blazes not?
Burt: I love my wife and kids too much to give them up.
Gene: Isn't that sweet?
Burt: And I almost got killed in the process, that's why. You need to find somebody else.
Gene: Bat, you are the best there is.
Burt: For starters, don't call me Bat. My name is Burt, not Bat. I am gone now (leaves)
Gene: Now there goes a man.
Governor: Yeah.
Gene: A very stupid man.
Pool House:
(Annie and Danny are looking at pictures of previous weddings)
Danny: Here is mine and Elaine's wedding day.
Annie: She was pretty.
Danny: Back then I didn't think so because I was arranged to marry her.
Annie: You have a kid you never told me about? Is Scotty really your son?
Danny: No. I was in a gang and I wanted out. Her father was a mobster so I had to marry her to not lose my neck.
Annie: Oh. Here is one of Chester and me.
Danny: You looked like you had penicillin.
Annie: To tell you the truth, I had to take aspirin every time we got together.
Danny: That bad, huh?
Annie: The worst. I only stayed with him because he was good at times.
Danny: Am I better than Chester?
Annie: Yes, I promise.
Danny: Good. Chapel O' Love was where you got married?
Annie: Yes.
Danny: Well, how about we get married here or in a church?
Annie: Oh Danny! Yes! Let's get married in the church where my mother and father got married.
Danny: What church?
Annie: Oh! It's in Russia! I almost forgot!
Danny: Russia?
Annie: Yes. In a Temple.
Danny: My first wife was Jewish. I wouldn't mind.
Annie: Oh Danny, it will be so expensive! How are we supposed to save up for a place of our own?
Danny: We'll figure something out, Anne.
Annie: Let's get married in the church where your parents got married.
Danny: My parents were never married.
Annie: You mean your mom and the man you thought was your father were never married?
Danny: Oh! I thought you meant mom and Chester! They were married here! No.
Annie: How about Mary and Burt?
Danny: Mary and Burt were married in the Episcopalian church.
Annie: Which one?
Danny: I think it was West Street Episcopalian.
Annie: Let's get married there. I am not that religious.
Danny: Are you sure?
Annie: Yes and after we are married, I'll get a job in accounting and you can still be a deputy and we'll have a house and a family.
Danny: Oh Annie, I can't wait! (Hugs her)
(Jessica enters)
Jessica: Oh! Sorry to interrupt, but I need to ask you something Danny.
Danny: What is it?
Jessica: Chester's doctor called me and told me that even though I am his first ex-wife that I need to visit him to make him feel like he will get better, but I don't want to be a part of this. Danny, he is your father, so would you help him?
Danny: Aunt Jessie, I'm getting married soon.
Jessica: I know, but he is your father and I want nothing to do with it. You were the one who committed him. You see, your father has this mindset, which makes him think that I am still in love with him.
Danny: Couldn't Eunice or Corrine do it?
Jessica: I guess so. Let me go ask them (leaves the pool house)
Danny: I did not think that Chester was not going to be there.
Annie: I don't want my ex at the wedding.
Danny: I know, but he is my father.
Annie: Danny, maybe we should put this on hold, until everybody gets back to normal. I'll go ahead and get a job in accounting and then we can house hunt after we have a set income.
Danny: Yes. I can live with that.
Sheriff's Office:
(Burt is on the phone and Mary walks in)
Burt: No, no Mrs. Peterson. Just because your husband called your sister fat does not mean that I can arrest him. Have him apologize to her, okay? Maybe make him sleep on the couch tonight. Bye. (Hangs up and sees Mary) Hey Mary. Where's the baby?
Mary: With Jessica. Wendy's with her too.
Burt: What brings you here?
Mary: I was thinking about a nice tall Long Island.
Burt: Mare, I'm at work.
Mary: You said that we could work something out! I am lonely and I need to take my mind off it!
Burt: Mare, I'm at work.
Mary: You promised! I don't want to drink! I want to kick the habit!
Burt: Mare, I want you to, too, but not now.
Mary: I guess I'll go to McCauley's and have that Long Island (she starts to leave, but Burt stops her)
Burt: Mare! I know a spacious broom closet (leaves the office with Mary)
(Danny goes into the office opposite from where Burt and Mary exit)
Danny: Burt? Burt! I guess he's off duty (sits at his desk) well it's my shift tonight.
(Perkins enters the office)
Perkins: Hiya, Danny.
Danny: Hey Perkins. Have you seen Burt?
Perkins: I saw him and your mom go down the hallway. I think they went into a broom closet.
Danny: Broom closet?
Perkins: Yeah. I'm curious. Pretty kinky if you ask me.
Danny: I think I don't want to know.
Perkins: Boy! I must say now I know why Burt has looked exhausted lately.
Danny: You mean?
(Perkins nods with a goofy grin)
Perkins: I wish Mrs. Perkins could be like that! Every night when I get home, it's "no! I have a headache!"
Danny: I don't even want to think about it. Yuck!
(Burt and Mary enter the office from the broom closet)
Burt: All better now, Mare?
(Mary nods)
Burt: Good. (Sees Danny) Hey Dan. What's up?
Danny: Not much.
Burt: How's-How's Annie?
Danny: Pretty good. We are planning on getting married in the church you and Burt were married in.
Mary: That's wonderful!
Danny: Why are you here ma?
Mary: Um…Burt why am I here?
Burt: We're going out for dinner. Mare surprised me and we are going out to get something eat. How's Subway, Dan? Subway good for you Mary?
Mary: Sure. I forgot.
Burt: Let's go then. Come on.
(Danny, Burt, and Mary exit)
Tate House:
(Benson is dusting the furniture and Jessica enters the room and sits in the chair and reads a book. Corrine enters with Timmy, who runs up to Jessica)
Timmy: Grandma!
Jessica: Hey kiddo!
Corrine: We are going to the park do you want to come?
Jessica: Oh Corrine! It's so cold out there. Timmy could catch a cold.
Corrine: Meanwhile, I could catch cabin fever.
Jessica: Cabin fever. Is that similar to dance fever?
Corrine: Ma.
Jessica: Okay, but please bundle him up well.
Corrine: He will.
Jessica: Okay. I'll stay here where it is warm and where Benson is.
Benson: Ha!
Jessica: What does that mean?
Benson: That was a funny joke, Missus Tate.
Jessica: Thank you.
(Benson goes upstairs)
Jessica: Corrine, I have Wendy and Scotty with me since Mary is…you know. Would you like to take them with you and Timmy?
Corrine: ma, I cannot manage three kids alone. I can take them all if you come along with me.
Jessica: Okay (gets her coat) let's go.
Park:
(Jessica and Corrine are walking around the park with the kids. They run into Jodie, who is wasted on a bench)
Corrine: Jodie!
Jodie: Corrine? Is that you? (Laughs)
Corrine: You're stinking drunk!
Jessica: Your mother is not going to like this.
Jodie: She was drunk half the time (laughs)
Jessica: Jodie, you're coming home with us.
Timmy: With us.
Corrine: Oh, the kids.
Jessica: I'll keep the kids and you take Jodie home.
Corrine: Okay (puts Jodie's arm around her neck and then makes him walk to her car) come on, bub. You are coming with me.
Jodie: Where're we going?
Billy's Room:
(Corrine tries to lay Jodie on Billy's bed)
Jodie: Oops! (Falls off the bed) Corrine, somebody has stolen the bed!
Corrine: Jodie! (Pulls him onto the bed) What is the problem?
Jodie: Maggie.
Corrine: Maggie?
Jodie: I don't know if I love her love her. I know that I love her like her.
Corrine: Jodie, what's wrong?
Jodie: I'm gay and Maggie's a woman. I think that I cannot make her live through this.
Corrine: What do you mean Jodie?
Jodie: I love her, but I don't know if I want to marry her. I want to break it off, Corrine, but I don't want to hurt her.
(Corrine looks at Jodie helplessly)
Broom Closet:
(Mary and Burt are standing upright and partially naked. They are passionately kissing)
Mary: Oh Burt! This was the best.
Burt: I hope so, Mare. Now I have to get dressed and get out of the closet.
Mary: right. I'll get my pants on and you get your shirt on and then you get your shoes on and then I'll get my blouse on.
Burt: Right.
(Mary and Burt get stuck)
Burt: Mare! I can't feel my left arm!
Mary: Sorry! I'll move my head and then you move your arm.
(Mary and Burt get stuck)
Mary: Burt!
Burt: Okay! (Lifts his leg over Mary and has a leg on each side of her) Well this is awkward.
Mary: Burt!
(Burt moves his other leg to the other side of Mary)
Mary: Good (raises her head up) okay, now I will stand up (stands up)
Burt: Perfect.
(Mary and Burt get out of the closet)
Burt: The next time we make love, we have got to find a bigger room.
Eunice and Dutch's room:
(Eunice is brushing her hair and Dutch sneaks up behind her)
Eunice: Dutch!
Dutch: Who is he?
Eunice: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dutch: Who is the mouseketeer Eunice?
Eunice: What do you mean?
Dutch: Last night, I found some mouse ears and a mouse-tail under a pillow this morning.
Eunice: Mouse-tail? I got that for you to try on tonight.
Dutch: It's too small.
Eunice: Dutch, I do not know what you mean.
Dutch: I mean that I am tired of trying to figure you out Eunice.
Eunice: What are you saying?
Dutch: I know what you are doing. I wasn't born yesterday.
Eunice: What then?
Dutch: You are cheating on me again.
Eunice: I am not cheating on you.
Dutch: Yes you are.
Eunice: Darling, what are you talking about?
Dutch: You, sleeping around.
Eunice: I love you.
Dutch: You think you do (leaves Eunice)
(Eunice sits on her bed)
Scotty's Room:
(Mary walks into Scotty's room where he is playing with his toys with Wendy. Mary puts his things in his drawers and then looks at him. Chuck and Bob enter the room and sit next to the kids)
Chuck: Bob, it should not surprise you that mom did not come.
Bob: But she likes me more than she likes you!
Chuck: Mom never keeps her promise. It's just like her to find a man and get married on the spur of the moment (sits down with the kids)
Bobby: Hey Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! Hey Scotty! Scotty! Scotty!
Scotty: Ga!
(Wendy giggles)
Mary: I sometimes wonder if they talk to each other (kneels down next to them)
Chuck: I think they do.
Mary: I read somewhere that babies have their own language.
Chuck: I read that article too.
Mary: I wonder if that theory really does exist or if it is just scientist making up some mumbo-jumbo.
Chuck: I don't know. I think he's saying: "That's mine" and she's saying "No that's mine!"
(Mary and Chuck laugh)
Bob: That was lame.
Mary: Thanks Chuck, I needed that.
Chuck: No problem Mary.
(Burt enters the room)
Mary: Burt, look. The babies are playing together.
Burt: Oh, isn't that sweet?
Mary: I know.
(Window breaks)
Burt: What was that?
Mary: (Hysterical) I don't know!
Burt: Mary! Get the kids and go downstairs! Chuck! Bob! Come with me!
Announcer: Now that Dutch has confronted Eunice about her cheating on him, will they get a divorce or will they try to work things out? Now that Burt has declined the offer to run for senate, will he and Mary's marriage improve? Now that Burt's ex-wife Luann is not coming, will Bob get over her? Who threw that brick into the Campbell's home and why?
These questions and many others will be answered on the net episode of SOAP!