King of the Hill
A Bill & Boomhauer Episode
Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do
Act II
Scene I – Going for a Ride
The next day, Boomhauer takes Bill for a ride. The two go for a while without saying anything. But Bill is once again feeling sorry for himself.
Bill (sighs): "I just can't do it. I may never get married again, let-alone have kids."
Boomhauer tries to ignore him, but then tries to cheer him up.
Boomhauer: "Yo, man. That's like your dang ol' problem right there."
Bill: "What do you mean?"
Boomhauer: "I been quiet 'bout this the whole time, but can't no more.
You ain' never got no women, 'cause of your attitude."
Bill: "My attitude? What's wrong with my attitude?"
Boomhauer: "Man, you gotta start believin' in yourself. Ev'ry day, we gotta hear your stories about how bad your life is. Dang ol' seen people much much worse off than you. man.
Bet you can't even remember one crush you had before Lenore..."
Bill starts to remember a crush he had back in Arlen High School.
Bill walks down the hallway with a card and a bag of candy in his arms. He goes to a classroom, where he's about to meet his date.
Bill: "She's gonna like the new movie coming out this weekend." (looks at a poster for Saturday Night Fever) "All that flirting we've been doing at those games are finally paying off."
Bill approaches the classroom, but before he opens the door, he spots something in the window.
He sees his date, Peggy Platter, in the arms of another man. She's kissing Hank Hill.
Peggy (laughing): "Oh, Hank. You were wonderful in today's game."
Hank: "Yup. I sure was. That linebacker couldn't stand a chance."
Peggy: "That is something you are going to remember for the rest of your life.
Speaking of remembering, I can't help but feel that I forgot something…"
Hank: "Aw, don't worry about it. How's about we see a movie tonight to celebrate? They're showing Saturday Night Fever." (raises eyebrows)
Peggy: (gasp) "Now I remember…
I love John Travolta! I'd love to go, Hank."
Hank: "It's a date."
Peggy and Hank continue kissing each other.
Bill sees this. He is devastated. He clutches the gifts in his arms, and walks down the hall holding back his tears…
Bill ends his daydream with a strange feeling in his gut.
Bill: "Ouch."
"Boomhauer, you've had hundreds of dates, and never once taken a woman's hand in marriage. You came close, but never actually got there. Yet you always seem to be perfectly fine.
Teach me to be happy."
Boomhauer: "Well…talkin' no real secret, man. Come on, lemme show ya."
Boomhauer drives down the road.
Scene II – The Gymnasium
He takes Bill to his hangout: the Hemlich County Gymnasium.
Once there, there are different men and women exercising, eating, or drinking healthy snacks and beverages.
Bill: "This is my first time being in an actual gymnasium…since 1982." (sadly) "Where did the time go?"
Someone calls Boomhauer.
Lee: "Hey, Boomhauer!"
Boomhauer: "Hey there, Lee. Yo, this my friend, Bill."
Lee: "Hi, Bill." (shakes his hand) "Welcome to the Hemlich County Gymnasium. You'll find that we have a lot ofprograms, physical workouts, psychological counseling, meditation, nutritional classes, everything you need to get into tip-top shape!"
Bill: "Well, I don't know…"
Lee: "Nonsense. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have areason. Just sign the member sheet at the front desk whenever you're ready." (walks off)
Bill looks around, and sees all kinds of people with large muscles, enjoying healthy snacks, and having friendly conversations, and generally having a great time. He is beginning to have second thoughts…
Bill: "Um, Boomhauer…I'm beginning to think this place isn't for me. This seems like a big step towards self-improvement. (starts to walk away, but Boomhauer grabs him)
Boomhauer: "Yo, you can't give up when you haven't even started yet. "
Bill: "But I don't even know where to start."
Boomhauer winks his eye at a red-haired lady. The lady walks over.
Tracey: "What's up?"
Boomhauer: "Yo. I'm Jeff. Friends call me Boomhauer."
Tracey: "I'm Tracey."
Boomhauer: "Yo, Tracey. Where you comin' from?"
Tracey: "I'm from South Arlen. Mmm…How about one of these days I can bring a piece of South Arlen to your place?"
Boomhauer: "Yo."
Tracey writes her phone number on a piece ofnotebook paper.
Tracey: "See ya around…Jeff." (walks off)
Boomhauer points at her, and clicks his tongue.
Bill: "There, you see! You barely did anything at all! I need those kind of skills."
Boomhauer points to the member sign-up sheet.
Bill thinks for a moment, then makes his decision.
Bill: "I'll do it."
He walks over, and signs his name with the blue pen. The pen runs out of ink.
Bill: "Damn." (shakes pen)
"Stupid blue crayon."
Boomhauer: "Yo, one day at a time, Bill. One day at a time…"
Scene III – The Big Overhaul
One day, Boomhauer spends some time at Bill's house. He is going to figure out ways that Bill can improve his lifestyle. Smokey Robinson's "Everybody Plays the Fool" is playing.
Boomhauer: "Okay, yo. Gotta talk about dang ol' housekeepin', man."
Bill: "What does having a clean house have to do with getting women?"
Boomhauer: "Yo, man. No lady wants to sleep wit' no man in no pig sty. Ladies like men who take care of 'emselves, man."
Boomhauer points to an empty pizza box on the floor. Bill picks it up, and throws it in the garbage.
The two then look at the couch, which is littered with stains, crumbs, lint, and a bit of dandruff.
Bill: "The couch…my second bed…when I'm thinking long, sad thoughts alone."
Boomhauer prepares a carpet cleaner. After loading it with detergent and water, he turns it on, and starts sucking all of the dirt and stains off the couch.
After a while, the job is done, and Bill's couch is completely re-upholstered.
Boomhauer: "There now. Takin' 'bout spic-n'-span, yo." (gives a thumbs-up)
Bill is sitting in a chair, having dozed off.
Boomhauer nudges him.
Bill: "Huh? How long was I out?"
Boomhauer shows him the clean couch.
Bill (sadly): "I'm going to miss that mustard stain on the left pillow."
As the evening progresses, Bill and Boomhauer spend time together, cleaning Bill's house from top to bottom.
In the bathroom, Boomhauer cleans out the toilet, and unplugs it. Bill has to spray and clean out the cockroaches in his shower stall.
In his bedroom, Boomhauer changes the sheets on Bill's bed with all new clean linen. Bill tries picking up all of the dirty clothes scattered on the floor.
Bill: "Can I borrow some change for the Laundromat?"
In the kitchen, Boomhauer washes the dishes and silverware, and puts the clean ones in the cupboards and drawers. Bill tries moping the floor. He nearly passes out from using too much Pine Sol.
Hours and hours pass by.
By sunset, Bill's house is all clean. Bill and Boomhauer have taken the last of the garbage to the curb, where there's already a whole pile of junk from missed garbage days.
Boomhauer (wearily): "We'll…we'll wrap it up for today, Bill. Dang ol' dog tired… (yawn) …we'll get started on the yard t'morrow." (goes home)
Bill wipes some sweat off his forehead, and stares off into the sunset. A feeling of satisfaction runs thru his mind…
The next day, Hank and Dale watch as Bill waters his front lawn. Boomhauer is watering some newly planted flowers.
Dale: "So how long do you think until Bill finally gives up and admits he's no ladies' man? Don't even ask my opinion on how he's doing."
Hank: "I'm willing to bet never. Boomhauer is very experienced with women. He's going to put Bill's life back in order.
I just wish they had chosen a better sort of grass for Bill's lawn."
Dale: "Bluegrass is outdated, Hank. St. Augustine grass is the new thing." (sips beer)
Later, Boomhauer is putting strawberries, blueberries, and bananas into a smoothie mixer.
Bill: "I don't know, Boomhauer. I don't think I can stomach this stuff."
Boomhauer: "Yo, man. Gotta get better eatin' habits. You'll live longer, and think clearer, man." (hands Bill a nutrition booklet)
Boomhauer pours a finished fruit smoothie into two cups.
Boomhauer: "Talkin' 'bout a toast, man. Better health, and new lifestyle, yo."
The two clicks cups, and take a drink. Bill holds his nose while he drinks his fruit smoothie.
Scene IV – Bill's New Image
Over the next few weeks, Bill becomes a regular member at the Heimlich County Gymnasium. He exercises, and gets stronger in the process. He lifts heavier weights each week. Soon, his large gut takes the shape of healthy abs. Lee marks his progress with membership points.
Bill continues improving his eating habits as well. When at the supermarket, he resists a bag of Cheetos that he had his eye on, and instead picks up a can of peanuts.
After a while, Bill is able to run faster and without any pain in his ankles. He runs on top of a hill against bright sunshine. When he reaches the top, he overlooks a beautiful view of Arlen against a soft breeze.
Scene V – Special Thanks
The next day, Bill and Boomhauer go to the Gymnasium again. As they enter, KC and the Sunshine Band's "That's the Way I Like It" is playing. A picture of Bill, as the "Person of the Month" is hanging in the lobby.Everyone is exercising while the men are at the food counter.
Clerk: "What'll it be, gents?"
Boomhauer: "Two veggie shakes, man."
The clerk hands Boomhauer and Bill two carrot-celery shakes. Boomhauer gives the clerk two dollars.
Boomhauer: "So, how's it been so far?"
Bill: "It's great, Boomhauer! Women actually want to hang out with me! Nobody spits on me or turns me in for indecent exposure."
Boomhauer: "Dang ol' great to hear. Stick wit' me, an' you'll life your life to its fullest."
Bill (raises cup): "I'll drink to that!"
Bill and Boomhauer drink their veggie shakes.
Scene VI – A Whole New Outlook
When Bill walks out the pharmacy store, Connie and Joseph walk by licking ice cream.
Connie: "Say, is that Mr. Dauterive?"
Joseph: "Yeah, that is him."
Bill: "Hey there, kids."
Joseph: "Dude…"
Joseph hands his ice cream cone over to Connie and takes his shirt off. He walks over to Bill. The two start flexing muscles together.
Joseph then grabs a rock, and lifts it with both his arms.
Bill lifts a shopping cart with both his arms.
Connie stares with amazement, as ice cream starts dripping on the ground.
Joseph: "Whoa, dude. You're strong."
Bill: "That's right." (smashes shopping cart on the pavement)
Joseph puts his shirt back on, and takes back his ice cream cone. He and Connie walk off together.
At Jack's Barbershop, Luanne is giving Bill a new hairstyle.
Luanne: "Here you go, Mr. Dauterive. I fixed your hair exactly the way you want it."
Bill: "Thank you, Luanne." (hands her money) "Keep the change." (exits barbershop)
Jack: "So Luanne, what's Bill up to these days?"
Luanne: "He just took on a totally different lifestyle. It's so sweet to see him so happy."
Bill (singing happily and dancing around): "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. Wonderful feeling, wonderful day!"
Scene VII – The New Alpha
Later that evening, Bill and Boomhauer are hanging out at the bar together.
A waitress serves the men their cups of beer.
Bill: "I got to say, my life has improved greatly over the past month. Thanks, Boomhauer." (the two shake hands)
A brunette woman settles down at the table Bill and Boomhauer are sitting at. She takes a look at Boomhauer…
Patricia: "Hey, babe."
Boomhauer smiles as she crosses her legs.
Patricia: "You from around here?"
Boomhauer: Born and raised, yo.
The two are about to kiss, until Patricia takes a look at Bill.
Patricia (gasps): "Oh my God! You are a beefcake!" (moves over to Bill)
Bill: "You look like a chocolate mousse yourself."
Patricia: "I have been celibate for more than six months, and I'm ready to get reacquainted with all of my five senses."
Patricia grabs Bill's collar.
Patricia (seductively): "Take me, Bill. Take me now!"
Bill (meekly): "I'll get the car started."
Boomhauer looks on with an perturbed expression.
The next day, at the beach, a boat zips by in the river. Lucky is controlling the panel, and Luanne is riding the waves.
Bill and Boomhauer come to the beach separately without the other knowing.
Boomhauer is relaxing on a beach towel with a pair of sunglasses. He's thinking slow thoughts to himself.
Boomhauer (in his mind): "Is it possible that there can be too much of a good thing?"
A woman approaches him.
Fiona: "Excuse me. Hi, my name is Fiona. I'm looking for a handsome gentleman who was coming here sometime today."
Boomhauer: "Hey, baby. That'd be dang ol' me! Though not sure if you're marked on my calendar."
Fiona: "Um actually, I was kinda looking for that guy." (points to Bill when he walks out of the restroom)
(calls) "Hey girls! He's over here!"
A group of women rush over. Boomhauer sees this with bewilderment.
As Bill walks off with a giggling group of women. Boomhauer starts to stiffen up…
(end of Act II)