Disclaimer: Already said it, ain't gonna again, thanks.
A/N: Note – this is the movie version, so it has been shortened from the original. I'm sick and I'm lazy and I can't be bothered. Once again, I must ask you please to review, and not to judge my insanity too harshly.
Title: Snow White: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It
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Once upon a time, there was a girl named Snow White.
Her mother named her Snow White because her skin was as pale as the snow.
I don't know why she wasn't named Ebony Black for her hair or Blood Red for her lips.
But her name was Snow White.
And that is that.
Snow White's mother died, so her father remarried to a bi... ah, a not-very-nice woman who happened to literally be an evil witch.
Then her dad died.
This seems to be a trend in fairy tales.
The witch – let's call her Georgina for fun – didn't like Snow White at all.
This was because she wanted to be the fairest in all the land, but Snow White was far fairer.
In more ways than one, too.
One day Georgina decided to get rid of Snow White once and for all.
Georgina sent her guardsman to kill Snow White while she was out picking daisies.
Fortunately, the guardsman took pity on Snow White.
I personally think this was because one, she was beautiful, and two, she screamed.
Instead of killing her straight out, he sent her into the deep dark forest that was filled with wild animals and many dangerous hazards.
Then he went back to the castle and told Georgina that Snow White was dead.
Georgina went to consult her talking mirror.
Personally I find talking mirrors very creepy, but Georgina liked her talking mirror.
She asked it who was the prettiest in all the land.
It told her Snow White was, being an honest talking mirror.
She went into a rage because she had thought Snow White was dead.
Meanwhile, Snow White had a terrible time in the deep dark forest.
Then she found a perfect little house in the middle of a beautiful clearing in the middle of the deep dark forest.
She went inside without being invited.
She sampled something off of every plate on the table, all seven of them.
And being very bold, she went to sleep in one of the seven smallish beds upstairs.
Later that afternoon, seven dwarves came back home to the perfect little house in the clearing in the deep dark forest.
They had been mining for jewels all day, and wanted some supper and some good bed rest.
Unfortunately, all their suppers had been sampled, and one of their beds was being slept in.
After some eyelash batting on Snow White's part, they agreed to take her in.
The eight of them live peacefully until one day, Georgina disguises herself as an old peddler woman with a basketful of apples that are poisoned on one side, and fine on the other.
Georgina somehow knows exactly where to find Snow White in her perfect little house in the clearing in the middle of the deep dark forest.
This is probably courtesy of her creepy talking mirror.
Snow White, being a bit of a ditz and all, feels sorry for the old peddler woman that comes knocking on her door in the middle of the deep dark forest.
If it were me, I'd have wondered why there was an old peddler woman in the middle of the deep dark forest with no other houses around.
But this is not my story.
Georgina, in her obviously effective disguise, asks Snow White if she wants to buy an apple.
Snow White is unsure about this.
After all, how many old peddler women show up trying to sell you apples in the middle of a deep dark forest?
Georgina takes a bite out of the non-poisoned side of one of the apples to prove that the apples are fine.
Snow White, convinced, takes the apple and takes a bite out of it.
Myself, I would have taken a different apple, not wanting to share saliva with an old peddler woman.
But this is not my story.
Snow White, having bitten the other side of the apple, which is poisoned, falls to the ground, dead.
Georgina probably laughs maniacally.
Georgina goes back to the castle, satisfied that she has killed Snow White.
She consults her talking mirror again and asks it who is the prettiest in all the land.
It replies that she is, seeing as Snow White is now dead.
When the seven dwarves, who get altogether not enough screen time, come home, they find Snow White lying dead on the floor.
They freak out, seeing as she is dead and is lying dead on the floor.
They probably only like her because she cooks and cleans.
Anyway, they put her in a coffin made of glass so they can look at her dead body all the time.
What creepy dwarves.
One day a prince comes riding along and happens upon the perfect little house in the clearing in the middle of the deep dark forest.
How very coincidental.
He spies the glass coffin and the beautiful dead body of a girl inside, and asks the dwarves if he can take it home with him to keep.
Why he wants to take home a dead body in a glass coffin, I will never know.
While they are preparing to lift the coffin, presumably to put on the back of the prince's horse, the prince opens the lid.
He leans down and kisses the dead body full on the lips, for an unknown, unexplained reason that had better be good.
Apparently he was never educated about decay and disease.
For absolutely no reason at all, Snow White is revived from the prince's kiss and sits up.
They must have banged heads, as he was leaning over her to kiss her, but that isn't in the fancified story, therefore of course it couldn't have happened.
The prince lifts her out of her glass coffin that the creepy dwarves put her in, puts her on the back of his poor horse instead of the coffin, and they ride off into the sunset.
Presumably they marry and live happily ever after.
Georgina is completely forgotten and presumably never heard from again, although I highly doubt it.
THE END