Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket.
A/N: Well here's chapter three! It's not long, but there are three Akki-entries in here, so that's good, right? Let me stress one thing-- since we're seeing all this through Tohru (third-person, but all the same...), she refers to Akito as SHE sees Akito. Um... that's not saying that Akito actually IS what Tohru thinks Akito is. (I think a lot of you already know what I mean.) So... yeah! Through the diary, you'll see what I mean later on. Thanks to all the WONDERFUL people who reviewed last chapter. Give yourselves a hand!
Enjoy!
Chapter Three: Move Among the Stars
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The evening found Tohru pacing nervously around her room. It was late and she knew she should be sleeping, but the weight on her mind was too heavy. Guilt was heavy– she knew she should admit to Shigure that she had taken Akito's diary and she knew she should give it back. But she didn't want to.
That was the real core of the problem: she didn't want to.
As horrible as she felt for it, as much as it ate away at her conscience, even as much as it weighed on her heart, Tohru wanted to keep the diary. Keep it... and read it.
She stayed up an hour later than she normally would, pacing the floor of her bedroom, trying to justify a decision that had already been made.
"It's... Well really it's the right thing to do," she told herself as nervously she plucked at a button on her pajama top. "I-if I find out more about Akito, then maybe I could find out more about the curse. Maybe I could understand why he was so cruel, why he hurt so many people." She looked to her bed, where she knew the black book lay tucked under her pillow.
Abruptly, she turned away. "I should go brush my teeth."
So she went into her bathroom and proceeded to do just that. But that was the second time that night, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to use it as an excuse any longer. She finished brushing her teeth, then starting combing out her hair. When there wasn't a tangle left on her whole head, she washed her face. When her cheeks were pink and clean, she sighed and looked around the bathroom for something else to do.
"Oh well," she told her reflection, who wore the same fake smile she did. "I guess it's time to go to bed!"
With steps that she would have liked to think were confident, Tohru walked into her bedroom, turned off her big light and turned on her lamp. She crawled under her covers and settled back on her pillow.
She sighed, still not certain whether or not she should pull the diary out and read it. After a minute of thought, however, she knew that it was futile to resist the urge. So she quickly pulled out the leather-bound book and opened it to the next entry.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
'It seems like being a God would be a daunting task, doesn't it? It's not. It's appallingly simple.
I do nothing. I just am, I exist– sometimes I think just to be a larger burden. I am the head of the family– Akito, God– that is who, that is what I am, a destiny that I can't escape. And for a large part of my time– of my life– I don't want to escape it. I have all that I could need. I am powerful, revered– and why shouldn't I be? There is a bond between the members of the zodiac that someone outside cannot understand. We are connected and nothing can change that. Nothing. Nothing! I won't let anything change that.
Even the one who got away... I still have him; we're still bonded– I know we are.
I hate them all as much as I love them, I think. They have more freedom than they will ever know, and yet they still feel so chained and so imprisoned. More ungrateful than...
Suddenly I don't feel like writing anymore.'
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
"Poor Akito-san," Tohru murmured sympathetically. "I didn't realize that he felt so strongly about the zodiac bond. I wonder what he means by 'the one who got away'... As far as I know all the zodiac are still alive and living here." Undecided, she held the next page between her fingers. "Maybe if I read more I can understand more."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
'I saw Hatori today. He did my check-up, all the while pretending like he cared whether I was well or not. No matter how good of a doctor he is, his bedside manner– with me, at least– is terrible. My beautiful, pathetic dragon...
If anyone has a right to hate me, I suppose he does. But I couldn't let him leave me; I couldn't let him leave me! That woman... Kana, was it? Pathetic. That little slut didn't deserve him anyway. He is mine; he is one of the special ones– he knows me, he knows who I am. How could I let him escape? I know he wanted to. I know he wanted to get away. He hates me, I can feel it. I can feel it! I'm not stupid, I know how he lets his feeling fester inside!
He hates me!
I know he hates me!
But I love him. He is mine. Why shouldn't I love him? Why shouldn't I want him to stay near me?
He became ridiculously grave at the end of the visit. I think there's something he's not telling me. But it doesn't matter– gods are immortal, aren't they?'
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Head only filling up with more questions and concerns, Tohru read on.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
'Yesterday I wrote about Hatori. I think that maybe I should write about all of them– even the cat, that putrid little monster.
First there's Yuki– the rat. He has always been mine. We were together ever since he was so very small, and I know he's never forgotten. He's always been mine. But his love is tainted with fear. I know he's afraid of me– and as long as he's afraid of me I know he will never leave. How can he? The foolish boy probably thinks that I'll come raging after him.
And who knows? I just might.
I hate being angry; but they all make me so frustrated! They all conspire against me, insuring that I go mad before very much more time has passed. It hurts. They make me head pound with all their foolish.
And who are they to go against their god? If anything, they should do all that they can to make sure I am in a constant state of ecstacy. But no. They insist on irritating me. Some of them... Some of them make me absolutely sick! Some of them I want to... to... I want them to just go away! And be quiet! And never bother me again. And never hurt me again. I don't like admitting my weaknesses, but there is one wound that I know will never heal. But since I know that no one will ever read this, I–'
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Tohru threw the book down onto her bed. "I knew I shouldn't have read it," she whispered. "Oh, I knew it wasn't my place." She felt so ashamed that her stomach felt sick. She was invading someone's privacy– reading someone's personal thoughts! And even though Akito had passed on, and even though Akito had been cruel and obviously unbalanced...
Tohru bit her lip, suddenly feeling a resurgence of blasted curiosity. "I know it's wrong," she told herself sternly, "but I want to finish this entry. After this entry I'll stop reading. And tomorrow, I'll give this to Shigure-san. That's what I'll do." So with some measure of reluctance– but also a good dose of the thrill of having something forbidden– she continued reading.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
'But since I know no one will ever read this, I guess I don't mind admitting that yes, I do have weaknesses. I can be weak. Even though I don't always feel it, I am human. I'm just an ordinary person in a lot of ways.
Well...
That's a lie. In almost every aspect I'm anything but ordinary.
I am special; I shouldn't doubt that. After all, it's all I really have. It's all I really have...
I meant to write about my zodiac, didn't I? Why do they matter? I know they'll only leave me. I cling so tightly– I have to hold onto them or I'll lose everything. They are my everything.
Life is a joke. Life is torture.
But it is all I know. This is my infinity, this fractured space of time. After all, it's all I can ever know. I don't particularly look forward to death, but maybe I can start again. Maybe I'll get a second chance. Maybe I'll be born again– someone happy, someone unburdened, someone sane. So I don't have to put up with this madness.
And all this damn irritation! They live to irritate me!
A servant is calling me now. Apparently, a meal that I'm to consume is ready. I don't look forward to it.'
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Once Tohru had finished reading, she tucked the book back under her pillow and switched off her lamp. Her head was swimming with a whole new impression of the kind of person Akito had been.
"He seems so sad," she whispered to the darkness. "Did he hurt the others because he hurt so badly himself? I don't know what to do..." She felt tears welling up. "And he's gone now. There's nothing I can do– no way I can help." She turned onto her side, and clutched her blanket tightly around her body. "I have to make sure I do all I can for the others," she told herself determinedly. "I won't ever stop until I find some way I can help them– I'll break the curse if I can; I swear it."
And with that promise, Tohru fell into a fitful sleep.
: end chp. 3 :
End A/N: Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter-- I know the Akito things might seem a little weird now, but Akito still isn't used to writing, so all the entries are supposed to seem sort of disjointed. Being the god of the zodiac is really all Akito feels Akito has, so invariably all entries lead back to that. Til chapter four, then!
(Yes; the deplorable absence of pronouns. I don't want to discourage anyone from reading the story, but I don't want to offer false hope either. What do you think the title means? WHO exactly can't say they're sorry? And who even has a reason to say that she's sorry? Hmm? Yeah.)