A/N: I told you I would have no more disclaimers, because I know I own nothing but my ability to ... yeah. Please review and again, don't misjudge my insanity.

Title: Rumplestiltskin: The Long and Short of It – Minus the Long of It

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Once upon a time there was a poor miller.

He had a daughter – let's name her Meredith.

He bragged about her talents and that got him in trouble.

Once he bragged that she could spin straw into gold.

The king overheard (don't ask me how) and made the miller bring Meredith to the palace to spin a roomful of straw into gold.

The king told Meredith that if she didn't have it all done by dawn, she'd have her head chopped off.

Nice guy.

As soon as he leaves, she starts crying.

She can't spin straw into gold, that's stupid.

POOF, a little dwarf pops up out of nowhere.

He spins all the straw into gold for her in exchange for a nice ring she has.

Poor miller's daughter ... nice ring ... how does this work out ... ?

Girl should be grateful – the dwarf does his work cheaply.

At dawn the king sees all the gold there and all the straw gone.

He is pleased but is greedy, so he puts her into a bigger room filled with straw and tells her if it's not all spun into gold by dawn, she gets her head chopped off.

As soon as he leaves, she starts crying.

She still can't spin straw into gold, that's still stupid.

POOF, the same little dwarf pops up out of nowhere and offers to spin all the straw into gold in exchange for a nice necklace she has.

Poor miller's daughter ... nice ring, nice necklace ... I'm beginning to wonder if she's a thief.

At dawn the king sees all the gold and the absence of straw and is pleased but still greedy.

He puts her into a huge room filled with straw and tells her if it's not all spun into gold by dawn, she gets her head chopped off.

As soon as he leaves, she starts crying again.

She still can't spin straw into gold.

Why she didn't pay attention when the dwarf was doing it and learn how, I'll never know.

POOF, up pops the dwarf again.

This time she has nothing left to give him, but he spins it all into gold in exchange for her word that she'll give him her firstborn baby.

She agrees because she thinks he'll forget about it.

At dawn the king sees all the gold and the absence of straw and proposes to her.

Swept off her feet by his charm and romanticness, she agrees to marry him and becomes queen.

About nine months later, she has her firstborn baby.

POOF, the dwarf, forgotten by her up until now, shows up and asks for the baby.

She doesn't want to give it to him – after all, who would?

The dwarf says that if she can guess his name in three days, she can keep the baby and he won't ever bother her again.

This dwarf is really settling for low prices here.

She agrees.

Over the next two days she reads out looooooooooooooooong lists of all the names she can think of.

Each one is wrong.

On the morning of the third day, a guard comes up to the queen.

He tells her that last night, he was walking down a road and saw a short guy dancing around a campfire and singing, "Rumplestiltskin is my name."

How utterly, truly convenient.

When the dwarf shows up to hear the names the queen has today, she asks him if his name is George.

He says no.

She asks him if it's Harold.

He says no.

I don't know why she asked those names, knowing full well they weren't correct.

Perhaps she was just being awfully, horribly cruel.

Perhaps she was just stupid.

Anyway, she asks him if his name is Rumplestiltskin, and that being correct, he says yes and goes into a fit of rage.

He stomps through the floor and dies.

The queen is never bothered by him again.

I'm sure that he was forgotten after a while.

THE END