Disclaimer: Don't own the story, just the names and the way of telling it.

A/N: Read and PLEASE review, I love feedback. :D Oh, and just a note – the witch had a boyfriend made of gingerbread named Domocarliebine, but Hansel ate him. Long story.

------------------------------------------

HANSEL AND GRETEL

Once upon a time there lived a poor lumberjack named Jack Lumber.

His wife convinced him that they were so poor they couldn't afford to feed their two children Hansel Lumber and Gretel Lumber.

Jack reluctantly agreed, but instead of taking them to a social services program or an orphanage or some such thing, he led them deep into the forest and left them there under the pretence that he was going to chop wood.

Hansel had trailed some crumbs behind them to remember which way the house was but birds ate the crumbs.

He was originally going to use pebbles, but didn't.

Stupid boy.

Hansel and Gretel began to wander around in the deep dark forest, completely lost, until they stumbled upon a nice little clearing, in the middle of which was a lovely little cottage.

This vividly reminds me of Snow White's story.

The only difference was that this cottage was made entirely of gingerbread and candy – a child's paradise.

Hansel and Gretel rushed over and immediately began to eat the house.

The door opened and a witch came out, looking horribly ugly and scary.

She told Hansel and Gretel to come inside, where she had lots more candy, and they complied eagerly, being very hungry.

I blame their irresponsible father for their inherent lack of knowledge.

Once they were inside the candy house, the witch (whose name was Helga A. Friega) locked Hansel up in a cage and made Gretel cook and clean.

Helga Friega fed Hansel all of the very rich foods that she made Gretel make, and soon Hansel was getting fat.

One day Helga Friega decides that Hansel is fat enough to EAT!!

She pokes her head into the oven to see if it's hot enough, and Gretel, in the spur of the moment, has the insight to push Helga Friega all the way into the oven, and slams the door shut behind her.

This story being rated G, you may come to your own conclusions as to what happened to the witch named Helga Friega.

Gretel unlocks Hansel from his cage, and they discover a treasure chest full of gold and expensive jewels, quite conveniently.

They leave the house (with a last bite of the candy, I'm sure) and find their way home back through the deep dark forest without a spot of trouble.

When Jack Lumber the lumberjack, their irresponsible father, sees them return, he is overjoyed and tells them that he divorced their mother (who was not very nice) and they show him the treasure they took from Helga Friega.

They lived happily ever after, now being quite rich and evil-mother-free.

Helga Friega was completely forgotten, although I get the feeling she didn't bother them.

THE END