000 Disclaimer, I own absolutely nothing sadly enough 000 Hey all! I would've updated sooner but had some problems with document manager as it refused to upload this chapter...anyway, huge thanks to all that reviewed the last chapter : Gammaent, Triptacular (nope it wasn't Archer speaking :)), Volley, Alpha Pegasi, Joy, and MartyCessna.

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It's been so easy while they've been away on Honeymoon. I could wander the ship freely, with all thoughts of them locked in an embrace pushed from my mind - with varying degrees of success. I can't help thinking of her, the only time she is pushed from my mind is when I'm working and need to focus all my attention on one particular task. That's a skill I've learnt all too well over the years, thanks to a terrible romantic history.

But now, they've returned all happy and loved up. It's visibly painful to see that; I went to say hello - after all I had no excuse not to, and the last thing I need is for Trip to start asking awkward questions because I've suddenly started ignoring him in his wedded bliss.

Although I hate to admit that part of me wants Trip to know, a deluded little voice keeps wondering whether Trip would give Hoshi up to me if he knew how I felt – and it's an idiotic little voice that refuses to acknowledge reality. If Trip knew about my feelings for Hoshi and all that happened between us it'd crush him, I'd lose my best friend.

But would I lose her?

No. I've got to stop this, no good will come of thoughts like this, I'm only torturing myself. I'm sure Hoshi isn't sparing any thoughts for me, not when she has him, not now she has a husband, not now she doesn't need me.

I wonder (sometimes) if she truly meant what she said to me in that cave, when we thought we were going to die, I wonder if she truly meant it or whether she was lying just to make our last moments easier.

I wonder if she thought I was lying.

But maybe she meant what she said, when she told me she loved me, when I told her I loved her, when we held each other in that place. Both bloody battered and bruised. I thought I was going to die, but I kept forcing myself to stay awake so she wouldn't be alone.

I remember thinking that if we were both going to die it didn't honestly matter whether she knew or not, I didn't think it mattered even though she was (already) dating Trip.

She kissed me then, after my confession, and told me she felt the same.

Her voice saying, "I love you..." was the last thing I heard before finally passing out. We shared something, something tangible, something meaningful - I know it! I wanted to ask her why she chose Trip over me, but it never came up in conversation - yeah, as if there could ever be a conversation starting with, "So, Hoshi, tell me why you've chosen my best friend over me even though you admitted you loved me."

But she did.

She chose him over me.

I can still remember waking up in Sickbay with Hoshi in the biobed beside me, I remember feeling numb - all over - in some drug induced haze, and I remember her smiling at me. I thought 'This is it, this is my time. She's the one, I know it.' She sighed softly.

Then Trip walked in and kissed her.

When he left some time later I remember Hoshi turning to me and saying softly, "I can't do it to him."

"I don't understand."

She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, tinged with sadness, and then I knew. She had chosen Trip. "I can't leave him."

What about me? I wanted to ask, but couldn't.

I wonder now if she even meant to kiss me that day, or if she honestly felt she couldn't leave Trip for me.

Either way her choice hurt more than I thought possible, and still hurts today.

Maybe I should just start to retreat from their lives bit by bit and hope they don't notice. It would hurt less in the long run. Maybe I should have transferred off the ship while I had the chance, slipped away while they were on honeymoon and claimed the need to start a new challenge...

Wait. What am I talking about? I could never have left the ship, this is my home, I don't want to leave!

I'm going in circles now. Needlessly torturing myself with 'ifs' and 'maybes', none of which will matter.

For a brief moment Hoshi was mine, truly mine and mine alone, and before that she was shared between Trip and I, perhaps an odd thing to say.

But she was mine once.

Oh God, why did she choose him over me?

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It was the middle of the night; the mess hall had only one occupant slowly sipping a steaming mug and staring out the window, lost in his melancholy. Emotions flitted across his face, Trip stood in the doorway watching him. Finally Trip grabbed his own mug of coffee and went to sit beside him. "You're up late."

Malcolm's expression immediately became rigidly neutral and guarded. "I couldn't sleep. What about you?"

Trip shrugged. "Not tired, I guess."

Trip watched Malcolm again; Malcolm glanced over at him. "What is it, Trip?"

"You seem...off."

Malcolm stared into his mug, swirling the contents slowly. "Just having a spot of reflection." He smiled ruefully.

Trip nodded understandingly, he took a sip of his drink thoughtfully. "Is this because of me gettin' married?"

Malcolm's head shot up and his drink sloshed up the sides of his mug alarmingly. Trip stared at him, eyebrows raised. "I'll take that as a 'yes' then."

"Trip, I -" Malcolm began.

"Don't worry about it," said Trip, "I'm sure you'll find the right girl someday."

Malcolm visibly relaxed and he closed his eyes. "What if you've already found her?"

Trip grinned. "Malcolm, you dog! You've been holding out on me! When did this happen? Who is she?"

Malcolm smiled, and replied softly, "She's the one that got away." He took a sip of his drink. "She's married now," he glanced sideways at Trip, who merely nodded in sympathy.

"Sorry, Mal. Did she know how you felt? Or did it just not work out?" Trip prodded gently.

Malcolm studied his face for a moment, as if debating how to reply. "She knew how I felt, she even told me she loved me," he glanced at Trip again, wondering how far he could push it before Trip realised. "But in the end she chose someone else over me." He sighed. "I don't think I'll ever know why."

"She must have been insane," Trip declared, "I bet the guy she passed you up for was a real fool -"

Malcolm gave a hollow laugh at stared at Trip. "I'd love to say she did, but she really didn't."

"Oh," Trip sighed. "Was it serious?"

"Me and her?" Malcolm asked, and Trip nodded. "I've never loved anyone the same way since."

"You've never told me this before," said Trip after a pause.

Malcolm just shrugged, then after a moment's silence he rose quickly. "It doesn't matter; it was...a long time ago now. I should be going; you should be with your wife. Night, Trip."

Trip stood up and watched him leave. "Night, Mal."

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Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!

What was I thinking? Why did I do that? Why? Why did I think it would be a good idea to tell Trip that?

I can't believe what an idiot I am. What did I expect him to say? He's going to suspect something.

I can't believe I'm still torturing myself with this, I can't believe how close I came to letting slip too much and telling Trip everything. If he found out what happened...if he knew how I felt...

What kills me is he was so sympathetic, so concerned about me and my crappy feelings...if he knew the truth. It doesn't bear thinking about. I can't loose him as a friend, I just...can't. No one has ever befriended me like him; no one has ever spent so many years persevering with me.

But I don't think I can give her up either, I know it's not my choice to make, I know I can't do a thing about it, I know things will only become ten times worse if I even attempt to reveal the truth...

Then why am I ready to risk years of friendship for her? I keep wondering what would have happened if she had turned to me in Sickbay, and chosen me over Trip.

Would I have taken her in my arms, or would I have turned her down instead to spare my best friend? I'd like to think, in terms of friendship and honour, that I would choose the latter, sparing my best friend. But deep down, I know I would have gone with her, I would have cast him aside and trampled over his feelings to be with her.

I would protect Trip with my life; I would risk almost everything to get him out of trouble.

But... one word from Hoshi and I would take her from him in an instant. I would still save his life if need be, but I wouldn't spare his feelings...and I would do it all for her. I don't know what I hate more, what I would do if she chose me, or being without her now. I love her, I love her with everything I have, but I hate her for what she's doing to me, and I hate him more for trying to help me, for listening and being my friend. Because I know that to be with her if she chose me, I would betray him in a heartbeat.

I wonder what he would do in my position.

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