000 Disclaimer, I own nothing at all sadly enough 000 First of all, huge, massive thanks to The Libran Iniquity for reading over this story for me :D! And secondly sorry for lack of updates recently, it's all down to school work (which I'm actually supposed to be doing right now :S) and real life irritatingly enough keeps rearing it's ugly head. Thirdly, thank you so much for all the reviews so far! They all pushed me tofind the time to write this chapter, so thanks for the encouragement and comments folkies! 000
Trip entered his quarters, an odd niggling sensation in the back of his mind, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Pushing it to the back of his mind he stripped off to his skivvies and climbed into bed beside Hoshi. She smiled at him sleepily. "Where have you been?"
"Just to the mess hall, I couldn't sleep," he said quietly, moving closer to her. "Had a talk with Malcolm – "
"Malcolm?" Hoshi's eyes widened slightly and she seemed far more alert. "What did he say? I mean...is he alright?"
Trip nodded and yawned. "He was just telling me about a lost love." He felt Hoshi relax in his arms. "He'll be alright."
"What did he say?" Hoshi asked, turning to face him curiosity getting the better of her.
Trip closed his eyes and pulled up the covers further. "That's between me and him, darlin'. Night." He kissed her.
Long after Trip's breathing evened out Hoshi found herself staring into the darkness, thinking not about the man in her bed but the man on the other side of the ship. "I made my choice," she whispered to herself finally.
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I can't sleep. I've been lying in bed staring at the ceiling for what feels like an eternity. I just can't sleep. That conversation with Trip... I can't get it out of my head. It's like there's some spiteful, destructive... bitter person somewhere inside of me who wanted me to keep pushing things further and further until Trip finally saw what was behind those pathetically vague references, and straight to the heart of the matter. Now there's true irony. Hearts, people's hearts are what got me into this mess in the first place.
Damn it all...
I need to sleep, there's a mission tomorrow that I need to be prepared for. I'm no use to anyone if I'm only half awake, I could make sloppy mistakes endanger the lives of others.
I should try and push the conversation from my mind. What's done is done, I can't change it. I can't change it anymore than I can change what happened with Hoshi or erase my feelings for her...sadly enough. Maybe I just need to let go of things, accept the fact that she will never be mine, accept the fact she's married to my best friend, if I let her go maybe things will become easier. Maybe it won't hurt so much.
But I don't know how to let go of her.
I don't know what to do...
I think I just need to sleep.
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Malcolm leant against the wall of the turbo-lift staring blankly at the door, the turbo-lift came to a halt and slid open. Hoshi stepped inside after the briefest hesitation.
"Morning," she said brightly.
"Good morning," Malcolm managed fixing his gaze on the door, trying to avoid looking directly at her.
"I heard you talked with Trip last night," Hoshi's tone seemed to be light and conversational but Malcolm thought he could detect a hint of strain behind her words.
"Don't worry I didn't say anything, he doesn't-"
Malcolm was cut off by the turbo-lift emitting an odd screeching noise and grinding to a halt with a jerk causing them to grab hold of each other. The lights flickered once. With one arm round Hoshi and the other arm bracing himself against the wall Malcolm sighed. "Looks like the turbo-lift's broken down." He reached out with his free arm and tapped the comm. "Reed to Engineering."
The reply was almost instantaneous. "Tucker here. What's up Mal?"
"The turbo-lift's broken down, Hoshi's in here too."
"Hi," Hoshi said her eyes tightly squeezed shut as she fought to control her claustrophobia. "Getting us out of here as soon as possible would be great."
"Don't worry, we're on our way. We'll have you out of there in no time, you two just sit tight."
Malcolm sighed and glanced down at Hoshi. He stared at the ceiling. "You're trying to destroy me," he muttered to himself before reluctantly trying to convince her to loosen her grip. "Hoshi?"
"I'm alright," Hoshi risked opening one eye, then hurriedly let go of Malcolm as she realised what she was doing. "Sorry..."
Malcolm nodded slightly. "It's alright." He almost started to pace before realising that there was nowhere to pace to, and that pacing would probably make Hoshi more nervous. He sat down instead, looking with irritation at the ceiling as if not daring to look at Hoshi. "You should sit down," he said eventually, "Trip and the engineering team will have us out of here soon." He patted the floor space next to him. Hoshi hesitated and took one last worried glance round the turbo-lift before gingerly sitting down.
"Wow...this is awkward," said Hoshi after nearly fifteen minutes of silence.
Malcolm lowered his gaze to look at her; she offered him a worried smile. "Don't worry, it'll be alright," he said quietly.
"I know, but the silence...makes it worse."
Malcolm drew up his knees and rested his arms on them. "What do you want to talk about then?"
Hoshi mirrored his position. "Anything."
Malcolm stared at her a moment conflicting emotions flitting across his face. "Even us?" He asked softly, suddenly painfully aware of her proximity to him.
Hoshi blinked. "There is no us," she said quickly, looking away from him. "I'm married, to your best friend - remember?"
Malcolm laughed bitterly. "How could I forget?"
There were thuds from outside the turbo-lift and the sound of muffled conversation. Hoshi sighed in relief. "Looks like Engineering's here."
Malcolm rose to his feet and pulled Hoshi up after him. They were stood mere centimetres apart, their faces so close that they could feel the other's breath on their cheek. "If," Malcolm hesitated, "If I had told you, told you everything before you started dating Trip..."
Hoshi lowered her head, "Malcolm -"
"If I had told you..."
The noises outside the turbo-lift got louder. Hoshi looked between Malcolm and the door. "Please, Malcolm, don't do this to yourself -"
"If I had told you, would you have had me instead?" He gazed into her eyes a mixture of hurt, love and longing on his face.
"Why are you doing this?" Hoshi whispered pleadingly. "Why does it matter anymore? You didn't tell me, you kept quiet, so I moved on and found Trip. Why must you do this?"
Malcolm closed his eyes. "Just answer me, please. Would you have had me?"
Hoshi rested her head against his chest for the briefest of moments, her eyes tightly squeezed shut. The noises outside the turbo-lift seemed to become closer.
"In a heartbeat."
Hoshi lifted her head and gazed at his face. Stepping away from him she straightened her uniform. "But you didn't, did you." Malcolm watched her search his face one more time before her expression closed off from him as she turned away.
Behind Malcolm the turbo-lift door opened to reveal Trip's smiling face at floor level. "Don't worry you two; we just gotta get you down to the deck level, as you can probably tell you missed the mark a bit." He grinned and leaned on the turbo-lift floor. "You doing alright, Hosh?"
Hoshi smiled and knelt down to give him a quick kiss. "I'll be better when I'm out of here," she said injecting false brightness into her voice.
Trip's eyes twinkled. "Mal borin' ya already?"
Malcolm was barely even paying attention to him, his gaze fixed on the opposite wall of the turbo-lift. Hoshi glanced back at him before turning back to Trip and pasting a smile on her face. "There's only so much you can take about the Armoury. That and being trapped in a stupidly small space."
Trip laughed. "Well you two just hang tight; this'll only take a second. We'll have you out in time for mission briefing."
Malcolm glanced at the ceiling again. "No more," he murmured to himself, "That's it now. Enough."
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