Author's Note - A warning - this story is not here for your intellectual fulfilment or personal enlightenment. It's stupid humor, but if I can glean even a smile off of you, my work is done. Thus, if you're easily offended, please don't read. This story contains drugs, suggestive themes, and language a-foul. I don't advocate the use of drugs and such, it's just to see what would happened to the YGO group on the darker side of humanity - plus I kinda got inspired by watching Cops and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy.
"Summer vacation sucks dude..." Joey said, laying on Tristan's bed reading a manga magazine.
"We could go to the beach." Tristan recommenced, strumming a guitar.
"With what money?"
"Oh...yeah..."
They sat there gazing out the window when a commercial conveniently screamed through the TV speakers. "Need money?"
"Why yes I do." Joey answered.
"Well then, you need to come out to Rock 'em, Sock 'em, be a Hero (but not the kind that gets eaten) Day! Sign up and get all the information you need to become a bounty hunter. Make plenty of money bringin' in the bad guys. Need some courage? Then eat a hero while you're here! Off of Exit 23!"
Joey and Tristan were left dumbfounded. "Dude...are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Well sure Joey, but if they changed the name from heroes to villains, who would want to eat them?"
"NOT SUBS YOU FOOL! We should become bounty hunters slash vigilantes!" Joey announced. Tristan stared at him. Joey replied, "What?"
"Why did you hafta add that slash? It's punctuation. It's like, how would you like it if I went around saying "What's up my dawg, question mark?"
Joey rolled his eyes. "Shut up!"
So they ended up at the free bounty hunter sign up slash sub give away, where they bumped into Marik, who for some reason had come all the way from Egypt to have a sub.
"Well actually, I was getting tired of Ishizu bossing me around, so I decided to hit the road!" Marik corrected.
So here I stand corrected by my own (er...Kazuki Takahashi's own) characters. Anyway, Joey and Tristan invited him to join and he said yes. They rented an SUV and headed over to Yugi's, where they had to shut Yugi up about nonviolence and get the pharaoh to come out, who said a triumphant yet.
So after a couple of failures and two successful bounties, everyone was feeling pretty good and confident. Joey picked up another announcement on the scanner - trouble over at some place called "the Cat's Eye."
The group arrived in the dimly lit dance club, which they had no trouble getting into despite their age on account of Joey and Tristan tried to take out the bouncer, but got their butts kicked, so Marik used the Millennium Rod upside the bouncer's head ("You know, you could have just used the Rod to mind control him instead!" "Sorry, Pharaoh, got carried away.")
Once they all got inside, Joey and Tristan suffered from serious hottie overload, but no one would dance with them because all they did was bop their heads to the side like the guys from Night at the Roxbury.Frustrated and not understanding how anyone could resist the Wheeler charm, he went to find someone to ask where the club owner was.
"You said you wanted some professional dance experience right?" The pharaoh was yelling into the wrong end of his cell phone. Tristan righted it for him. He repeated himself then said "the Cat's Eye is hiring. What? Yeah, it's a real classy place! Perfect for you, Tea!"
Tristan laughed but Joey was looking impatient. "Where is the owner of this club? He sure is taking forever!"
Marik was out on the dance floor, amid a ton of people dancing to "Walk Like an Egyptian." "I don't walk like that!" he said, scratching his head.
Two man in black suits approached Joey and Tristan. "The owner is ready for you." They called Marik and the Pharaoh and all four headed back into a small room in the back. The two man opened the door and motioned for them to enter.
There, amid all the red upholstery and scantily clad women, was a very relaxed looking Seto Kaiba.
"WHEELER? Where are the police?" he growled.
"I am the police...er, I'm a vigilante and I'm here to handle whatever shady business you got goin down here." Joey puffed out his chest and flashed a fake badge he had found in his cereal box that morning. Kaiba put his head in his hands, looking stressed. One of the women came over and started massaging his shoulders.
"Nice taste in women." Tristan said.
"These are the Kaiba Babes." he announced proudly.
"I need to talk to you about that music you have Kaiba. It spreads lies - LIES!" Marik said, still trying to figure out how to walk like an Egyptian.
"SILENCE!" The pharaoh announced. He turned to Kaiba. "Why is it you have a harem of ladies at your disposal when I, THE PHARAOH, am stuck with TEA!"
Kaiba sneered.
"I mean, I didn't even think you liked women, if you catch my drift." the Pharaoh continued.
Kaiba glared. "How much will it cost to get rid of you fools?"
"There is no price on justice Kaiba! And you here with these ladies is certainly an injustice if I ever saw one!"
"The money, the flashy clothes, all the women - I just know he's compensating!" Tristan whispered to Marik.
"1,000,000 should show me the door and help me to forget bout those pictures Tristan and I took of you in the locker room last year." Joey said nonchalantly.
"PICTURES!" Kaiba's face turned red.
Joey flashed a small Polaroid at Seto and he wrote the check faster than the day the Industrial Illusion stocks fell on the day Pegasus released the Barney the Purple Dinosaur expansion pack. The four boys left and Kaiba, looking defeated, looking around at his ill-begotten lady friends.
"Girls, I'm attractive, aren't I?"
"Sure, as attractive as you pay us to say you are!"
Kaiba sighed and mused on his loneliness. But the alcohol and the sexy ladies soon helped him forget.
"Mission accomplished!" Joey said with pleasure, stashing the money in the dashboard.
"Mission accomplished? You just took a bribe in lieu of justice. And from KAIBA of all people! Where are your morals? Do you not remember the days of being called 'a mutt'?" Tristan cried.
"I think those days are over, Tristan. Whatever Kaiba was doing down there seemed to be relieving stress for him." Marik peered thoughtfully out the window.
"He said he was clean." Joey stated. "Let him have his hoes. Anyway, next case...lessee...there's an alley out by Domino Pier...a couple of repeat offenders and some new ones...looks like some shady stuff's goin' down. Let's go show these guys who's boss!"
Everyone but the Pharaoh let out a yell to psych themselves up. The Pharaoh was looking quite worried. "Can't we...uhh...go somewhere else?"
"No way man! Drugs on the pier, sounds like some good ol' crime busting to me!" Joey said.
"Oh well, hey! Look who's here to say hello!"
At that moment, the Pharaoh's countenance changed back to Yugi's, who immediately cried out "I just wanna say I ABHOR VIOLENCE AND WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IS WRONG!"
"Hey Yug, whassup?" Tristan greeted him nonchalantly.
"JUSTICE IS BEING PUNCHED IN THE FACE WITH IRON KNUCKLES! THAT'S WHAT'S UP! AS GHANDI SAID, AN EYE FOR AN EYE MAKES THE WORLD BLIND!" Yugi clutched at his throat and began gasping. "I can't breathe! I'm hyperventilating!"
"The little guy's gettin' a little excited." Marik commented.
"Yea. Tristan, get the chloroform."
Yugi was now rabidly attacking the door handle, trying to free himself. "MY LUNGS ARE BEING CONSTRICTED BY THE IRON HANDS OF BRUTAL INJUSTICE! HELP! HEEELP!" Tristan held a cloth over Yugi's mouth and he went out like a light.
"Aww, he's so cute when he's sleeping." Tristan cooed.
Marik released a cackle.
"What was that for?" Joey asked.
"To distract you fools from what was coming out the other end!" Marik cackled again.
Silence.
Then, Joey started waving his hands and Tristan glared. "A fart joke! What kinda crap is this author trying to pull!" Tristan tried to glare at the author, but considering this story is written in third person, Tristan realized he would have to grow eyes all over himself in order to glare at the omnipotent author. So he gave up and settled for rolling down a window to ventilate the air.
The pharaoh's countenance returned to normal. Just in time for his cell phone to ring. His face went white.
"Oh hey dude, welcome back. Aren't you gonna answer that?" Tristan asked,
The pharaoh wearily answered his phone, holding it close to his ear, leaning out the window on his side with his hand cupped over the receiver. "Patrice, I'm busy, what is it?...wait, how many grams? You know the going rate, there's no reason to call me. Call me when you have something important to say!" Click. The Pharaoh hung up.
"Grams of what?" Tristan raised an eyebrow.
"Oh...you heard that huh? Well...um...grams of saturated fat! Yes, that's it!'
"Saturated fat? That stuff's bad for you Yug!" Joey said from the front.
"Well I'm working on getting clean." The pharaoh grinned mischievously.
"You'll wish you'd gotten clean when your arteries are clogged." Marik said.
"We're only thinking of your own good, man." Tristan patted his shoulder.
An announcement came over the police scanner. "Domestic disturbance called in from 5th Avenue apartments."
"Awright, forget the pier! We're on 6th! Let's go!" Joey said, gripping the wheel with ferocity. The Pharaoh breathed a sigh of relief.
The 5th Avenue apartments were by no means a bad place, or even in a bad part of town. But when Joey and the others reached the floor named on the police scanner, they could hear yelling and had no time identifying which room it came from.
"Hey, look at the name plate. This apartment belongs to-"
"Who cares, Tristan! No time to read name plates!" Joey said, and barreled into the door to knock it in - which was being opened from the inside so he just fell right in.
"What the hell?" a puzzled voice called as the four boys rushed in - to find Bakura, Miho, and Mokuba in a heated argument. Mokuba's bodyguards were standing behind him.
"Everyone remain calm, no need for violence." Joey announced.
"Who's being violent? You're the one who knocked my door down!" Bakura scowled.
"MIHO! What are you doing here?" Tristan's eyes grew wide.
"I was just getting homework help!" Miho said defensively.
"In what subject? Chemistry!" Mokuba sneered, then turned to one of his bodyguards. "Evans, write that down! I want to copyright it."
"Yessir."
"Miho...please tell me Mokuba wasn't here looking for you?" Tristan looked horrified as Miho nodded.
Bakura, who was currently in the control of the ring spirit, smiled. "What makes you think she would stay with a kid like you...kid?"
"Because I'm more man then you'll ever be! Just look at my bling!" Mokuba retorted, trying not to look hurt. He turned to Miho. "But maybe he's right. At least Serenity treated me better...shoulda stayed with her."
"SERENITY!" Joey and Tristan chorused.
Marik cackled again and the Pharaoh, holding his nose, praised Mokuba for his pimphood.
Of course, a fight scene ensued in which Joey and Tristan tried to beat the living Kaiba out of Mokuba, but then they got owned by his bodyguards. Then Mokuba went into the hall and had a moment of brooding, while one of his bodyguards played "What's Left Of Me" on a boombox, then Mokuba walked out of the apartment and out of this story.
Tristan, unable to compete with someone who had thousands of years of experience of lovin', just gave up and they all left to head home, exhausted.
They stopped at Yugi's grandfather's shop to mooch dinner off of Yugi's mom in honor of a hard day's work. As they were chilling in Yugi's living room, the phone rang. Yugi (the real one) answered it.
"Tea? Tea what's going on, what are you all worked up about? What job? You got a job? No I don't remember hearing about a job. Wait, what's the Cat's Eye...?"
Joey and Tristan burst into laughter.
Marik cackled again and everyone held their noses.