I'm just taking my old fanfiction of and re-writing/fixing it up and posting it here. :)
I love looking back at this story & reflecting on how I feel about this topic now. I am likely unable to have children of my own so Scully's infertility really hits home more than it once did.
Scully's Apartment
Three minutes? Surely by now there should be an instant response pregnancy test. I glance at the clock I'd brought in from my kitchen wall, the second hand seems to be ticking at half the speed it normally does. I fiddle nervously with my necklace, glance at the test resting on the edge of the bathtub and then back at the clock – one minute in.
I don't know why I'm doing this, not really. I saw the test results after my abduction. There was no denying the fact that whatever had been done to me had taken away any chance of having a child.
Tightening my hands into fists, I begin to pace. There must be something wrong with me. I'd hit my head on my car boot the night before, did I have a mild concussion? Was I delusional? I touch the bump on my forehead and wince, definitely a lot more swelling than there had been the night before.
Two minutes.
I place a hand over my heart, I can feel it hammering away as if it might leap right out of my chest.
There is no scientific explanation for this. There was nothing the doctors could do to repair the damage to my ovaries, not then, not now. There is no possible way that I can be pregnant. So why on Earth am I doing this?
I force my eyes away from the clock and mentally go over my reasons for doing this. The slight cramping in my uterus, the tender breasts and the mild but persistent nausea that had plagued me for weeks now. As a doctor I knew these were not necessarily signs of pregnancy and for a barren woman the last thing I would suggest would be a pregnancy test, but… and Mulder would love this, I could feel a life inside me. I couldn't explain it.
Three minutes.
I close my eyes and suck in a deep breath before kneeling at the edge of my bath and looking down at the little plastic test.
There is just one single pink line
The line blurs before me as tears fill by eyes. I feel outside of my body as I move from my knees to the floor and lay curled on my side on the bathmat.
How could I be so wrong about my own body? Am I really this disconnected from myself?
There is a saying – 'you don't know what you have got until it's gone'. I did not realise how desperately I wanted a child until that choice was taken from me. I curled even further in on myself and moaned aloud, needing to expel some of the pain that wracked my body. Why had I chosen this path? What would my life have been like if I'd stayed in the field of medicine. Would I have children? A loving husband? I felt a wave of dizziness hit me and I desperately pushed all thoughts of a life not lived aside. This is the life I chose. This is the life I must live.
Xx
"Scully!" I can hear banging at my front door. Mulder must have been the one calling me. I had heard my cell phone go off a few times, and my home phone at least twice. But my muscles don't seem to want to cooperate. So, even when I had run out of tears, I had remained laying on my bathroom floor.
I can hear him unlocking the front door. But still my leaden muscles will not respond. His footsteps, so familiar to me, are coming closer, but I just can't move. I try to call for him, but all that escapes is a whimper. Was this it? Was I finally cracking? Maybe I'd reached breaking point.
"Scully," his voice is full of concern, but the sound of his voice sends a little rush of warmth through my body, the hopeless feeling consuming me lifts slightly… I have not lost everything, I still have Mulder.
Mulder's observant eyes briefly take in my huddled form, I see him look towards the empty box on the edge of the sink. He drops to his knees beside me, his warm hand falls to my shoulder and he gives it a gentle squeeze. I feel his strength pour into me and he helps me move until I'm sitting upright with my back against the cool porcelain of the bath.
I open my mouth to say I'm fine, but instead my chin trembles, and my eyes betray me as a tears escape, I thought I'd run out of those. Before I can duck my head, his hand catches me beneath my chin.
"Are you?" He asks simply.
He had seen the box. He knew. I take a deep breath through my nose, inhaling his scent. The smell of Mulder calms me like no other. He is my home, my safe place. I could never describe his scent, or what it means to me. Like a baby animal seeking its mother, I recognise his scent from all others, and his scent is just… Mulder.
"No," I whisper brokenly, unable to find the words to tell him why I took the test in the first place. I did feel a little rush of embarrassment though. Would he think I was crazy? Could I blame him if he did? He knew I was barren as well as I did.
He reaches over my shoulder and picks up the small plastic rectangle that had just broken me, I glance away. I can't look at it anymore.
He picks up the empty box too and studies the back, I watch his eyes flick between the box and the test, his forehead slightly wrinkled in concentration. Somehow watching him calms me, and I feel my breathing slow.
"It says one pink line means positive?" He says, it's more of a question and he looks confused. He's kneeling in front of me and turns the empty box around to show me the instructions.
I stare at the box incomprehensibly. One line. What the fuck. In my haste I had read the instructions wrong.
The box drops from my fingertips, and I look up into my best friend's eyes, a choked laugh bubbling up. I cover my mouth, pressing my fingers hard against my lips as if this is going to keep me from crying, but once more my eyes have filled with tears and my throat feels as if it's closing.
Mulder sits beside me and opens his arms and I throw myself against his chest, allowing him to hold me tight against him. Every tear that falls chips at the pain in my chest.
I'm pregnant. I don't know how and for once in my life I simply can't find it in myself to care. With one arm around Mulder, I put my free hand over my flat belly.
Hello, I whisper. Mulder presses a kiss to the top of my head, and I can feel him smiling.
..