With My Last Breath
By: P.E.E.V.S.Y.
O O OO O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
All of my life I've had an almost morbid fascination about what your last thoughts are before you die. Ever since I was young I'd asked people who had had near death experiences what they had thought. They all gave me odd looks, but gave me my answers. They were all different.
One person told me that they saw their lives flash before them; another said that they saw the faces of their dead loved ones. Yet another told me all of his regrets, all of the things he'd never done but should have, hit him with a pang. I even asked my friends and family what they thought their last thoughts would be.
Once again, none of them were the same. Someone told me that they'd just be thinking about the here and the now, and how it was happening. Another said they'd be thinking about the future, all the things they'd never get to do, all the things they'd never experience. Another person told me they'd be desperately looking for a way out, a way to save their skin.
When I graduated from Hogwarts, and joined the Order of the Phoenix, my friends began to die all around me. I went to all of their funerals, and I cried my heart out, missing them like crazy and wishing they hadn't gone. However, to my horror, I kept imagining what they must have been thinking right before they copped it.
For Fabian, I wondered if he saw the face of his ten siblings, his in-laws, his parents and his sister and brother-in-law. I wondered if he speculated about whether his brother Gideon would make it. I wondered if he was desperately analyzing the situation, looking for the best way out.
For Gideon, I wondered if he was thinking about his fiancé, the life and family he'd never have. I wondered if he was just relieved that the pain would stop, that the Death Eaters were finally going to kill him instead of just torture him into insanity. I wondered if he finally felt he had lived up to his parents' expectations, proud that he died like a hero.
After Benjy blew up, while I cried for him, I wondered if the thought that his recklessness had finally caught up to him ever occurred to him. I wondered if he laughed at the irony of dieing, not due to his carelessness like everyone thought he would, but due to someone else's. I wondered if he ever gave a silent 'I told you so' to Edgar.
When Caradoc disappeared, I wondered if he ever wished he'd apologized to Hestia. I wondered if he thought he should have just proposed to her while they had a chance. I wondered if he ever regretted the harsh words he spoke to her, or if he was actually glad he'd already broken her heart.
I wondered whether Edgar thought about the laws he'd fought so hard to uphold, or Amelia, who would be left alone again. I wondered if he cared about the library he had worked so hard to build up or if he finally realized how pathetic his life actually was. I wondered whether Dorcas ever wished she hadn't insulted Voldemort to his face or if she just wished she'd been able to come up with a better jeer. I wondered if Marlene felt she let her family down; I wondered if she thought that her mother may have been right.
Now I know. Now I know what runs through your head as your fighting for your life. Now I know what you think when you realize that you're about to die. I know, because right now, I'm fighting for my and my son's lives.
James was killed. He died trying to protect Harry and me, to give us time to run. I don't know if he thought about Peter's betrayal, or if he just thought about trying to get Harry and I out alive. And, to be quite honest, I don't give a care. Because right now, my thoughts aren't about getting myself out alive, or about James' death. James is gone and I'll be joining him soon. My thoughts are for saving my son.
I'm not cursing myself for not sleeping with my wand, or, say, writing a will. I'm not regretting Petunia and my unresolved problems. I'm not thinking about the things I'll never get to do and never get to see. I'm not seeing my life flash before my eyes and I don't care how my book turns out. I'm not even thinking about what's going on right now.
I know I'm screaming my heart out, I know I'm begging for Harry's life and I know I offered to give Voldemort my life in exchange. I know he's telling me to step aside and that I'm begging him for mercy. But that's it.
That's all I know, because right now, I'm not thinking about anything. My thoughts aren't swirling and I'm not seeing faces of long dead loved ones. Not a single thought races through my head except that my road is done and that I'll do anything to make sure Harrey's isn't. That's all I can think about, Harry. Getting my son out of this mess alive and making sure that his life won't end before it's even begun.
Because now I realize that this is what you think about before you leave your life behind. You're not thinking about the mistakes you've made, the things you'll never do, your long gone relatives, your life or about how to save it.You're thinking about the one thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. You're thinking about what has dominated your life and what you'd give anything to save.
I'm thinking about Harry and how much I love him and how much I'll miss him. I'm thinking about how much I hope his life is just as wonderful as mine was. I'm silently telling him good-bye and praying that he won't join me.
That's the only thing that's circling in my head, and as I hear him speak the dreaded words that'll end my life, with my last breath, I think the words that I've been screaming over and over again ever. Not Harry.
The End
a/n: Eh, I know it's kind of pointless, I know it's kind of pathetic and I know it's kind of bad, but I wanted to write what I thought might be going through Lily's mind as she died and I did. Um, I appreciated it if you left me a review, even if it was just to tell me how dumb and stupid it was. If it's not, i'd still apprecaite it:)It'll help my writing and me finding out what works and what doesn't. Anyway, thanks for reading and please,pleasereview. Appreciate it. Toodles!
-P.E.E.V.S.Y.