Author's Notes: This story is Pre-HBP. It is my response to the Make-Over Sex!God Snape challenge by SouthernWitch69 & PlaidPooka. I'm not following the rules very well, as it is late and I am going to have a couple chapters, so please forgive me. I've been out of the fan fiction loop lately due to work, so please forgive me and take this little piece of fiction as my peace offering. This is my first attempt at posting anything, so please be kind if you decide to review (which I would really appreciate). Challenge rules are posted at the bottom of the page. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my wonderful betas, Gelsey & Cocoachristy, for wading through all my mistakes and errors. If any other mistakes are here, then they are completely and totally my fault. I'd also like to thank my dear friend, Anijade, for being at my beck and call whenever I need her.
Disclaimer: This all belongs to JKR. They aren't mine. I'm just taking them out to dinner and a movie. I promise to bring them back as soon as the houselights come up and the credits begin to roll.
Chapter 1
Glass Pyramid
The majority of the female staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was currently gathered in the faculty lounge, kicking their feet up and getting a little tipsy in the process.
"Ha! I told you I could do it, Hermione!" exclaimed a very inebriated Rolanda Hooch, as she attempted to add the very last shot glass to the top of her pyramid. Once she was sure it was in place, she leaned back in her chair and let out a very unladylike belch.
The school's latest intern, Hermione Granger, crinkled her nose in disgust at the flight instructor. "Really, Rolanda, that is disgusting. Where are your manners?"
"One has to have manners to begin with in order to use them, my dear," said the Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall, while she poured herself another glass of wine.
This earned a few smiles and snickers from the other ladies sitting around the room.
"Oh, you two are just being spoilsports. I won the bet fair and square. I mean, look at the pyramid," Rolanda said as she pointed at her masterpiece for the evening. "All she has to do is answer my question, Minerva. And besides, she hasn't been one of your cubs for the past five years, so don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm sure she can hold her own just fine."
This comment caused the rest of the ladies to break into a fit of giggles. Well, almost all of them. Minerva looked as if she was sucking on a lemon, and Hermione's cheeks turned bright red.
"Just let her ask and get it over with, dear," said Pomona Sprout, the school's Herbology professor.
"Yeah," giggled the school nurse, Poppy Pomfrey. "She probably won't remember in the morning anyway."
"That may very well be true, but we will," Professor Sinistra added with an evil smirk.
"Oh, fine," said Hermione with a twinge of resignation in her voice. "Let's just quit making such a big deal about it and get it over with. What do you want to know, Rolanda?"
A broad smile crept across the flight instructor's face as she tapped her index finger on her chin and pondered how to word her question just right, so she could make the young woman in front of her as uncomfortable as possible.
"I find it very hard to believe that a young woman such as yourself, well, any young woman really, would want to spend your sexual prime holed up in this school like a nun. All you do is work, work, work down in the dungeons day in and day out with that big bat hanging over your shoulder. Don't you have wild oats or something that need to be sown?"
"I happen to care about my education and future as a Potions mistress more than a quick shag, ROLANDA! I'll have plenty of time to catch up with all of that once my career has been started," Hermione said angrily.
Rolanda looked dumbstruck. "Aren't you worried that it'll dry up if you don't use it, girl? I mean, take a look at Snape. You spend all day with him, you see how he is, and if his anger isn't sexual frustration, then I don't know what it is. He started working here when he was younger than you. Do you see what happens when you don't get shagged regularly in your youth?"
"You mean you turn into the most unshaggable man on the planet," replied Sinistra.
"He can't help it if he isn't attractive to the ladies," Poppy said with a bit of sympathy in her voice.
"Oh, but he can help it if he is a sarcastic arse, now can't he?" retaliated Rolanda.
"He could also clean himself up and quit looking as if he is the walking dead. Oh, and wash his hair for Circe's sake," Sinistra added.
"Would you all please stop making personal attacks against Professor Snape since he isn't here to defend himself? You all know you most certainly wouldn't be saying these awful things about him to his face, so I see no reason why you should say it now," said an irate Hermione. "Now, I refuse to let you pick my personal life, or lack there of, apart for your personal entertainment. Keep your nose in your own business and out of mine. And for that matter, out of Professor Snape's as well while I am around. He is a brilliant man and a hero of war, and he deserves your gratitude and respect. You would each be lucky to have such a relationship with a man of half his character."
With those final parting words, Hermione stormed out of the staff room straight into a chest full of black buttons.
"Professor Snape, I'm sorry. I … They were just … It's not what you think ... What I mean to say is that … Oh, God … I'm so sorry … I would never … You're fine just as… I mean who cares … Oh … Excuse me, please," exclaimed Hermione before she brushed past him and ran as fast as she could to her chambers.
Severus Snape, the Potions professor of Hogwarts, had been heading to the faculty room to retrieve a book he had left prior to dinner that evening. When he'd arrived, the door was slightly ajar, and he could hear a very drunk Rolanda babbling about some kind of pyramid before putting Minerva in her place about her over-protectiveness of his intern. He should have known better than to listen in on the women, but it sounded as if his young intern was about to be forced to reveal some kind of interesting secret, and his own curiosity got the best of him. Intent on finding out what the secret was, he leaned against the outside wall beside the faculty door and listened as the entire conversation unfolded, proceeding to change from Hermione as the main topic to himself and his undesirability.
He was beyond furious at the older women of the school. Not only had they attacked him personally, but they had also demeaned him in front of his intern. He could deal with their banter, but he would not accept it when it might influence the working relationship he and Hermione had established and the respect that he demanded from her. When he had finally heard enough, he pushed away from the wall and prepared to enter the staff room. Before he knew what was happening, he'd had the wind knocked out of him and his arms full of his
bushy-haired intern.
It only took a minute for her to realize who she had bumped into, and her face turned stark white as she began to babble incoherently. Before he could utter a word, she had simply turned around and ran as if her life depended on it.
The thought crossed his mind that that had been very un-Gryffindor of her. Collecting himself, he stormed into the faculty room. He simply glared at the remaining occupants, half of whom were doing rather life-like impressions of goldfish, while the other half were simply hiding behind anything convenient that they could use to avoid making eye contact. He didn't speak a word as he walked gracefully to the far end of the room, snatched up his book, and retreated to the door. Just as he reached the door, he turned to face the women again and spoke in a dangerously deep tone. "I hope you all realize that I have forgotten more about curses and untraceable poisons than the lot of you have ever known, combined." With that last statement, he left, letting his trademark robes billow dramatically behind him.
As soon as Snape left the room, Rolanda either fainted from fear or passed out due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed. Regardless of the cause, she had managed to knock over her pyramid, sending smashed glass everywhere, which caused the rest of the women to let out multiple strands of obscenities and shrieks that could be heard throughout the entire castle.
To be continued
Challenge Rules:
One-Shot story only (at least 1000 words is only limit)
The pairing must be SS/HG (to be archived at Ashwinder or
the Petulant Poetess in special folders created specifically
for the challenge)
Post or Pre HBP (either acceptable)
No intentional errors / author's notes this time (whew!)
Any genre allowed (We adore parodies.)
Any rating allowed
After the deadline has passed, we will have a vote on the stories.
• The deadline will be April 1st since we are "fooling" around.
Tentative Premises (Not Mandatory—for ideas only):
1. Snape has shagged someone (We don't care who it was.) and now
feels a bit lacking after his performance (for whatever reason).
He creates a potion to make him into a Sex!God (be it for endurance,
looks, lust, anything). No woman will be able to deny his skills at
the art of shagging after that. He decides to practice on Hermione.
2. The war is finally over, and Voldemort has been defeated. For
the first time in years, Severus has the time to take a good look at
himself—inside and/or outside, and he doesn't like what he sees. What
does he decide to do about it, and how shall he accomplish it?
3. Severus has just created a Viagra Potion, but bloody hell…
He shouldn't have tested it on himself.
Remember to post your links at our Yahoo!Group, PotterPlace, to let
us know so that we can come have a read and later vote on it.
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