A/N: Once again... this is a little TOO autobiographical... and that's why it's so long.
When I got to school on Monday morning, I was gratified to see that I wasn't the only teacher wearing black. I knew a few other teachers were planning on going to the wake that night, but I hadn't had any idea of just how many. I don't know why I was surprised, though. Two-Bit had been in our school longer than most students. It would be an understatement to say he wasn't a great student, but he sure liked school. He never seemed to want to leave, and we all appreciated his lively, funny personality in spite of how crazy he drove those teachers who attempted to get any work out of him. They loved him anyway, though. I could see that in their faces that Monday.
Brad, the science teacher who worked down the hall from me, told me he planned to go to the wake at 6:00, so we agreed to go together. He'd had Two-Bit as a student, so he was clearly rattled by what had happened, and I knew he'd need my support as much as the kids I was going to see. I'd need his too. I also knew that.
My Mondays normally seem to drag anyway, but this one couldn't have gone slowly enough. I wanted to see all of these kids more than anything, but I also dreaded seeing them more than anything because I knew just how hard it would end up being. It wasn't only because of Ponyboy. I'd become close to his whole family and some of his friends. There was no doubt that he wouldn't be the only one relying on me. If that were to be the case, Steve wouldn't have called me, and they wouldn't have told him to tell me that they wanted me to go to everything. There was no denying that I was headed into one of the hardest nights I'd ever have.
When the day finally ended, I called home to check on James and see how my mother was faring. This would be a longer day than usual for her since she was going to stay there until Chris got home. I was going to go to the wake straight from school. She seemed to be fine and in a much happier place than I was. I wished with all my heart that none of this had happened and that I could be there too, but there was no changing history, unfortunately. There had been too many times I'd futilely wished for that power.
I sat in the English department's office, trying not to watch the clock as I made a halfhearted attempt to grade some papers. When it was almost 6, I went into Brad's classroom, and he turned to look at me. The look of dread on his face must have mirrored mine because he smiled briefly.
"Let's get this over with?" he asked with a heavy sigh. I let out an equally deep breath and nodded.
"Yeah, let's go," I said, swallowing hard. I'd had trouble eating today, and I couldn't wait to just get there and have my worst fears realized. I knew I wasn't exaggerating how bad this was going to be. That would be impossible.
Once Brad and I were in our cars, we followed each other to the funeral home, but I lost sight of him when we parked, so I figured I'd find him once I got inside. I walked up to the front door, took another deep breath, and slowly opened it. I was confronted by pretty much the sight I'd come to expect from too many years of attending these types of functions. There was a wall of people I would always think of as kids, looking out of place in their formal clothing and serious expressions. I was used to seeing them in jeans and t-shirts, joking around. That's how I wished I could always see them. And then I locked eyes with Steve.
I almost didn't recognize him. I'd never seen him look this serious. When I sat with him at Johnny's memorial years ago, he was obviously sad, but he'd already had some time to get used to the idea of Johnny being gone. One look at his face told me that he was right now, at this very moment, starting to realize that he would never see Two-Bit again. I went straight to him as his arms went out, and I hugged him more tightly than I'd ever hugged him before. His arms tightened around me, and we started to rock back and forth silently, holding onto each other. I didn't know when he'd be ready to let go, but I was perfectly willing to wait until he was. It took a lot longer than I expected.
When Steve finally let go, we looked at each other, and his lower lip was quivering, but he was still somewhat in control. He couldn't, however, bring himself to speak, so when I told him softly that I was going to go pay my respects, he just nodded and stumbled to the back of the funeral home. I knew I'd find him later.
Brad and I walked into the awful room with the coffin together. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt my eyes start to well up. I took a few deep breaths, willing myself to remain calm. He and I knelt in front of Two-Bit together, and all I could think was… I'd give anything to hear your silly sense of humor just one more time…
When we stood up and approached Mrs. Mathews, she smiled at me, and I marveled at her calm and her strength. We hugged, and I choked out, "I am so sorry" before I fled the room in tears. I didn't even look behind me, didn't even realize that Brad was breaking down as well when Mrs. Mathews told him he was the only teacher whose class Two-Bit had ever claimed to love.
I wandered back into the entrance area, and Pony caught me. He took one look at me, swallowed his own tears, and hugged me to him. I was vaguely aware of Brad coming out of the room after me, but I only pulled back from Pony when I heard him sobbing behind me. I turned to see Soda hugging him for a moment until he pulled himself away and stumbled away from the kids to be alone. I was looking after Brad when I heard a noise I recognized but had been dreading. Brad had done it. Soda was crying. I turned to him, and he took one look at me before he completely broke down.
I put my arms around him as he buried his face in my shoulder, and I held onto him until he was finally calm enough to let go.
"I need to go in there now," he whispered. "Will you … will you still be here when I get out?"
"I promise," I said firmly. He looked at me once, must have determined I was serious, and then turned and walked into the room. I went to find Brad.
I was still standing with Brad five minutes later when I realized that Soda was probably out of the viewing room already, so I made my way back up to the entrance. The first person to catch my eye was Darry, who looked at me grimly and said, "Soda's downstairs. I think … I think he needs you."
I nodded resolutely and followed Darry down the staircase situated in the middle of the room. Now that I had people relying on me, I was able to keep it together. I always seem to operate that way. And he was right. Soda definitely needed someone, and I didn't know how many people he would accept any type of comfort from. He was sitting on a bench outside the bathroom, his head in his hands, sobbing as if his heart would break. It probably already had. I sat down next to him, put my arm around him, and was rubbing his back when I noticed for the first time that Steve was sitting across from us. He was staring into space, but tears were slipping down his cheeks. He seemed completely unaware of them, and I waited for Soda to calm down enough, so I could give Steve five minutes of his own.
By the time both of them were calmer, I was ready to go home, but I still had yet to talk to Ponyboy. I went back upstairs to find him before I left, and I was completely out of luck until I finally walked outside. He was standing in the dark next to the funeral home, smoking a cigarette, his eyes red and his hands shaking. I approached him cautiously.
"Pony," I said as gently as possible, but he jumped. He relaxed when he saw me and dropped his cigarette. He looked down at it ruefully.
"I haven't smoked in a year," he said, sighing, as he ground it under his heel. "I just… I couldn't calm down. It was the only thing I could think of."
I nodded silently, leaning next to him against the wall of the funeral home. "How are you doing?" I asked softly, not looking at him. I learned years ago that Pony talks better without eye contact. He didn't let me down.
"It's just… I can't believe it. That can't be Two-Bit in there," he mumbled. "And tomorrow's going to be awful…" he trailed off before mumbling something I missed.
"What?" I asked, and he said "you're coming to the funeral, right?"
I looked at him in surprise. "Pony, I told you already. I'll be there for everything. I'll even… I'll even sit with you tomorrow if you want…"
He looked up, and I caught the relief in his eyes. "Ok," he said quickly, and I nodded. I looked at my watch and gasped.
"Pony, I've got to go. I've been here an hour and a half. I'll see you tomorrow, though. I'll meet you guys outside the church?"
He nodded. "Definitely. Thank you… for everything. We all needed you here."
I smiled as much as my lips would allow. "I'm glad I was here, Pony. Try to get some sleep tonight?"
"Yeah, I'll try." He hugged me quickly. "See you tomorrow. Night, Ms. N."
"Night, Pony," I said. I hated to walk away, but I knew I had to get home. Tomorrow would be another long, draining day.