In Which There is Snogging

Disclaimer: I do not own any HP characters or anything related. Also, this is all in good fun, attempt to not be offended at some…loose…characterizations.

Summary: The Gryffindors decide that what with that pesky war, they haven't gotten nearly enough action. So they make up for it, all in one glorious snog-filled day! But what will happen when Harry Potter gets rejected? Will he ruin the snogging for all?

Harry Potter woke up one morning feeling oddly unfulfilled. This was strange, after all, over the summer he had defeated Lord Voldemort, come to terms with his Aunt Petunia (who had finally overcome her long feelings of jealousy towards her sister and decided to be a proper maternal figure, because Harry doesn't have one of those already…Off in the distance, Molly Weasley composes her suicide note…), and most importantly, restored order to the Wizarding World by making Remus Lupin Minister of Magic.

But Harry felt like there was something missing in his idyllic seventh year at Hogwarts. Something vital. If only, he could figure it out…

Suddenly there was a loud thud from the bed next to his, which was presumably Ron banging his head against the head board again. He said it was accidental, but well, Harry had his suspicions. After all, it must be quite difficult being best friends with the famous Harry Potter. But the thud made him realize what he needed more of…what, in fact, all of his classmates probably needed more of.

He looked at his watch…there was no time to lose! Harry jumped up from his bed and proclaimed loudly, for his entire dormitory to hear, "I Proclaim Today Shall Be Henceforth Known As Teenage Snogging Day!" Unlike the scenario one might expect, involving a hex from Seamus, several muffled Shut up, it's Saturday's, and Neville falling out of his bed, instantly all the boys were sitting on the edges of their bed in rapt attention. After all, Harry was The Savior of the Wizarding World, and he was making a proclamation!

They all immediately decided to go down to the Common Room and shout for the girls, so that the snogging could commence. Even Neville, who was generally regarded as quite shy, bumbling, and socially awkward (hidden depths and nobility aside) seemed confidant that no one could object to such a well thought out plan.

Four bedraggled looking teenage girls emerged from the dormitories after hearing the shouts from below. Hermione, hair looking well on its way to taking over the world, was shooting daggers at Ron, who was beginning to question the safety of this new holiday.

Lavender, wearing skimpy lavender negligee, yawned seductively, and tossed her long blonde hair to the side. After dumping Ron last year, she had become quite the little vixen, and all the of the boys' faces brightened considerably to see her coming down the stairs. Lavender was followed closely by Parvati, who though she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, had that exotic beauty thing going for her—and today wasn't going to be about conversation anyway.

Lastly came little Ginny Weasley, a year younger than the rest, she was still a catch to be had. She had dated what seemed like most of the school, although a surprising number of people still wanted to be added to the list she supposedly kept and brought out when the girls of Gryffindor had a bit of a "fun" night.

All in all, a better group couldn't have been collected for the snogging, even Hermione had a hot young librarian thing going for her, and Ron grinned, thinking he was definitely in the mood to "study".

"Well?" Hermione asked, looking at the boys gathered below.

Seamus, Dean, Neville, and Ron suddenly looked a little nervous, and stepped back behind Harry, who, sighing, began to proclaim. "I Proclaim Today Shall Be Henceforth Known As Teenage Snogging Day!"

Lavender grinned, "About time!"

Ginny held her back by her lacy negligee straps, which pulled the silky fabric tight across her…err…front. Dean and Seamus both goggled for a moment, and then realized that the other was doing the same, and averted their eyes awkwardly. Ginny observed this and then addressed Harry, "So what, we're all just going to pair off and snog all Saturday? I know you may need to set a special day for that sort of thing, Harry, but some of us can get dates on our own."

This time Neville repeated the goggle/awkward stance routine. Lavender smiled down at him coyly. "I don't know, I think it'll be fun to…try out something new. We're all too serious all the time. I mean, we're seventeen, let's have some fun!"

Harry smiled, "Thanks, Lavender. That's what I was thinking too. With the whole war against the evil wizard thing we never really got a chance to be teenagers properly, you know? Sure there were a couple of flings, but among the nine of us, we have a lot of unresolved sexual tension!"

Hermione sniffed, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Harry smirked, "Of course you don't. Miss Ron-is-such-an-idiot-Where's-the-nearest-Broom-cupboard…"

Hermione and Ron both flushed scarlet, and Ron remembered wistfully all the time he'd spent dreaming about Hermione, only to almost have her…but then for Harry to go have to save the world, dragging them along.

Suffice to say, he thought releasing a bit of sexual tension was by and large a rather wonderful idea. "Shut up, Harry. But really, let's do it. It's a Saturday; we have hardly any homework, since neither McGonagall nor Snape teach anymore…Let's just snog!"

"Agreed!" Lavender said fervently, breaking free of Ginny's grasp, and heading straight for…Seamus? "Talk to me in that devilish brogue!" she cried, throwing her arms around his neck, and wrapping a long tan leg around his torso.

Seamus slowly grinned, not believing his luck. "Aye! That I will!" The pair immediately retired to the boys' dormitories, leaving the others to look at each other awkwardly.

After a moment, Ron took a deep breath, and then a nervous step forward. "Hermione, will you celebrate Teenage Snogging Day with me?"

Hermione looked uncertain, but then smiled. "Well, if you must engage in this foolishness, you had better do it with me. I wouldn't want to inflict you on any other unsuspecting females." Ron looked up at her, not sure if he should be insulted or excited, until Hermione sighed. "Honestly!" and grabbed him by the robes, heading out the portrait hole.

This left Harry, Dean, Neville, Ginny and Parvati. At this point it was becoming increasingly clear that one of the boys was going to miss out on Teenage Snogging Day, and Neville was already resigning himself to the fact that it would probably be him.

Parvati smiled to herself. She was older than Ginny, and so she had her pick of three brave little lions, all ripe for the snogging. But looking at Ginny's face, she decided to be kind. "Come on, Dean," She said aggressively. "Let's go be minorities together."

Dean raised his eyebrows suggestively. "I'll bring the soul, and you bring the Kama Sutra, baby!"

Parvati smiled widely, she had definitely made the right choice. She practically leapt into his arms. "Only if you're veeeery good."

Dean smiled devilishly, "Oh, I'll be good." And with that, they too departed the Common Room.

The remaining trio was very awkward indeed. Neville looked disgruntled. He knew he wasn't the best looking, or most talented wizard, and he certainly wasn't the most experienced, but he never got to do anything fun!

Harry felt slightly bad for Neville, but as he was certain Ginny would select him, he was mostly just a little excited, and glad he had woken up early this morning. Proclaiming things might be a good habit to get into. This was certainly a better use of his fame and influence, then, say, marketing a line of Harry Potter action figures, as Ron had suggested.

Ginny frowned. This was quite a predicament. Of course, on a purely physical basis, the lean strong Quidditch body of Harry's was the obvious choice. But then, Neville was certainly attractive, in a quiet, unassuming way, and besides, maybe she had had enough of heroes for the time being. She surveyed the two boys, reveling in the thought of making them squirm. This Teenage Snogging Day had been a good idea.

"Well," she said slowly, wrapping a lock of hair around her finger, "it seems that I get to make quite a decision."

She had not decided what to do, even until the last moment, but seeing Harry's slightly impatient arrogance, just get on with it, I know you're going to choose me; her mind was made up instantly. "Take me, Neville. I'm yours!"

Neville's jaw dropped. Ginny Weasley had chosen him over Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World! This was the sort of thing that never happened to him. He smiled unbelievingly, and Ginny knew she was making the right decision. Sure, it was only Teenage Snogging Day, and she certainly still had feelings for Harry, but Neville deserved to have some fun.

Harry's eyes widened. She picked Neville. Teenage Snogging Day was his idea, and he was the only Gryffindor not to get any snogging! This was utterly ridiculous; he was the Freaking Savior of the Wizarding World! He watched in frozen horror, as Ginny, ridiculously graceful in something as ungainly as a scarlet and gold dressing gown, descended the stairs and extended her hand to Neville. He took it, looking utterly awed at his luck, and they headed for the portrait hole.

Harry could feel his mouth moving as to speak, but nothing came out. Just before Ginny and Neville left the common room, Ginny turned over her shoulder and gave Harry a decidedly saucy wink.

So, she was trying to make him jealous, was she? That wasn't the point of Teenage Snogging Day! Fine. If he didn't get to enjoy his own holiday, than nobody else would either. Harry Potter gripped his wand, determined to break up all four couples. This day, he proclaimed silently, would no longer be remembered as Teenage Snogging Day…oh no. He would use all of his considerable talents to ensure that this day would go down in history as Teen Awkwardness Day!

One by one, he would break up the couples, starting with Lavender and Seamus.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor Boys Dormitory…

Lavender shoved Seamus back onto what she hoped was his bed. Actually, it was Ron's and Pigwidgeon was hiding in the sheets. That little owl was in for the surprise of his life. Always the aggressive one, Lavender pinned Seamus to the sheets and hopped up on the bed, straddling him. She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. "I always loved the whole dark Irish thing."

Seamus goggled at her, not believing his luck, and replied articulately, "Mmmf." Lavender smiled, she loved having this power over boys, the power to rend them speechless. It was a skill she had been honing for the last five years, and now, now that that icky war thing was over, she could finally put her skills to good use. Good use on someone besides those silly Muggle boys from the village where she grew up, anyway.

Seamus stared up at Lavender, as she continued playing with his hair, and wondered how the silly prattling girl he had gone to the Yule Ball with had turned into this…this bombshell! He knew that she had always been pretty, but now, she had skills. He would have to step it up, if this Teenage Snogging Day wasn't going to become disastrous.

She seemed to like it when he talked, so he decided to try that. "Ye know, Lavender, this is supposed to be a day fer snoggin'," he said, emphasizing his accent as much as possible.

Lavender smiled seductively, "I suppose it is," she said, leaning in.

But at that very moment, Harry, who was watching from the doorway, aimed a laughing jinx right at Lavender. She looked at Seamus's face and burst into peals of giggles. She looked down at her voluminous cleavage, and thought that was hilarious too. Everything was funny! This was no time for snogging; it was a time for laughing!

She stood up, laughing harder now, and sat on the bed opposite (which happened to actually be Seamus's) and he sat up, confused. "What, so we aren't gonna?"

Lavender just kept laughing, and Seamus turned bright red. He had known this was too good to be true! Harry Potter nodded decisively from the doorway. He had successfully ruined this mood. Score one for Teen Awkwardness! Now it was time to take down Ron and Hermione.

Meanwhile, at the Library….

"The library, Hermione?" Ron asked dubiously.

"Yes," she replied, not looking him. "It's just that I've always fancied, err, you know…"

Ron grinned slowly. "Hermione, do books turn you on?"

Hermione's eyes widened.

"Do they crank your tractor?"

Hermione's mouth dropped open.

"Do they heat up your oven?"

Hermione swallowed and then whacked Ron about the head. "What have you been reading?"

Ron smirked. "Dean's cousin sent him some American books."

"What sort of American books?"

Ron looked away sheepishly, and said softly, "Books of pickup lines."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Hmmf."

At this point the pair was in a pretty remote corner of the library, and Ron's ears were turning a bit pink. It had just hit him what they were planning to do here. "So, Hermione?"

"Yes?" They both sat down on a tattered looking sofa in the corner, known by some students as Little Hawaii…where it's playtime all the time…

"Well, if we're really doing this, you know, Harry's idea?"

"Yes?" Hermione asked quickly, and then blushed.

Ron gulped. "Well, I just want you to know that I've been thinking about this for a long time."

Hermione's face wrinkled, "Teenage Snogging Day?"

"No," he said. "Us."

"Oh!" Hermione took a deep breath. "Me too. I've always though, you know, if there hadn't been a war—"

"Yeah. Me too." Hearing this, Hermione smiled and leaned in. They had just begun what promised to be a mindblowing snog (four years of tension!) when they heard an uncomfortable cough behind them.

Hermione looked up. "Shit," she said softly.

Standing behind the nearest bookcase was Headmistress McGonagall, looking for a particular book recommended by a certain Harry Potter. Harry, who was a few shelves down, smiled to himself. Awkward indeed.

Meanwhile, up on the Astronomy Tower…

Dean Thomas might well be the happiest seventeen year old boy at Hogwarts.

I mean, he thought, I knew Parvati was hot, but I had no idea she was so talented. From the second the pair reached the top of the Astronomy Tower, she had snogged him like there was no tomorrow. Seriously. They had barely made it up the stairs before her mouth was on his.

Now they were sitting in a corner utterly entwined in one another, passionately going at it. Every day should be Teenage Snogging Day, Dean thought happily. He had certainly kissed other girls before—he and Ginny had been particularly fond of expressing their emotions in a…err…physical way. But this whole getting action with no drama and no strings attached was a new proposition. He reminded himself to thank Harry later.

Things were getting more intense now.

Parvati pulled herself, if it was possible, even closer to Dean. She loved the way heat radiated between two bodies when they were this close, and almost wished she had a boyfriend at Hogwarts. She hadn't done this since the summer she turned sixteen, when she had a romance with her own "boy next door", an innocent boy with freckles. He was nothing like Dean…actually he was more reminiscent of Neville Longbottom.

Parvati knew the point of Teenage Snogging Day was to just snog randomly and completely without commitment, but still, it would be nice to have this tall suave man…for none of them were really boys and girls any longer, not after all that had happened the last few years…around all the time. "Dean," she hissed seductively.

His face was behind her back now, as he had been exploring her neck and shoulders with his lips. She felt an intake of breath, and then a male voice, "Oh, Padma!"

Parvati froze and then pulled back, eyes wide. "What?"

Dean looked highly confused. "I didn't…"

Parvati stood up, dusting off her robes. "I can't believe you!"

From the staircase Harry gave a quiet chuckle. Teenage awkwardness strikes again. Good thing Dean's voice went a bit higher when he was in the throes of passion. As Harry was walking down the stairs, he heard Parvati's shrill voice yelling, "No, it is not cool!" He laughed again, and set off for the crowning masterpiece: Ginny and Neville.

Meanwhile, in the back corner of Greenhouse Six…

"You know, Neville, if this makes you uncomfortable we don't have to do it."

Neville stopped blushing furiously for a moment, in order to respond. "No…no, I want to, definitely. I was just…wondering…"

"What?" Ginny asked, leaning back against Neville, and feeling his body first tense, and then relax.

"Are you…Did you pick me just to make Harry jealous?"

Ginny swallowed, and Neville's heart sank. He knew it. No girl would ever just choose him. "No, Neville. I chose you because…well, because I thought we would have fun, and…I don't know…I've already kissed Harry," she could feel Neville tensing again and quickly moved on. "It's just that this whole thing is supposed to be about relieving tension and being normal teenagers, and well…there's too much between Harry and me, too many things left unsaid. I just want to have some carefree fun, that's what this is about, right?"

Neville smiled weakly, "Right."

Ginny felt satisfied with her story, which was untrue only by merit of excluding some details that would probably make Neville even more sad and insecure than he already was, such as the fact that she loved seeing the painful jealousy on Harry's face, and making him be the one left all alone. Like I was, last year.

So, she sat up, and gave Neville a sweet kiss on the lips. He immediately went pink all over, and she smiled. She was happy just to make him happy. They shared a few more sweet kisses, and did a good bit of tonguesploring, but were pretty much winding down about fifteen minutes later when Ginny heard a rustling in some nearby plants.

"Hold on, Neville," she said, standing up to see what was there. It was Harry and Luna, who had just entered the greenhouse. Harry had his finger to his lips, apparently admonishing Luna, trying to be stealthy. "I see you, Harry," Ginny said loudly, and he jumped.

Harry's face immediately fell, and Ginny felt a little bad. Of course this whole Teenage Snogging Day was probably a contrived plot to get them back together, and he was trying to sneak Luna in and embarrass Neville (it was common knowledge that he had something of a respectful reverence for the girl, which definitely took into consideration her big eyes and long blonde hair).

But still, she loved the silly world saving disheveled boy. She really loved him.

And, coincidentally, he provided the perfect way to clear up this little mess.

"Luna!" Ginny called out. "Come over here!"

She returned to the corner of the greenhouse, with a sheepish Harry and slightly confused Luna in tow. Neville was standing up now, beet red. "Luna, did Harry explain to you about Teenage Snogging Day?"

Luna looked a little puzzled. "No…"

Ginny smiled, "Well, I'm sure Neville could explain it to you. Trust me, Luna; it's a veeery good idea."

Luna smiled vaguely and turned to Neville, who was still red, but grinning happily despite his best efforts to look "cool". "Oh yes, it's a great idea," he said, and gave Ginny a look of utter happiness.

"Come on, Harry," said Ginny. "I think we have some celebrating to do ourselves."

They left the greenhouse in silence, but as soon as they were a reasonable distance away, Harry turned to Ginny and started to talk, "I'm sorry, I was just upset when you went off with Neville, and I was by myself, and so I decided to ruin Teenage Snogging Day by making it Teen Awkwardness Day, and I thought Luna—"

He was cut off my Ginny's lips, as she made him realize that there were some very valid methods of communication that did not call for words.

About half an hour later, the pair was sitting under the beech tree by the lake, just quietly staring off into the distance, when Harry spoke. "So, does this mean…are we?"

"We always were. You were just caught up for a little while."

Harry's perpetual smile became, if possible, even brighter.

Then Ginny's eyes widened.

"Harry, when you set out to ruin Teenage Snogging Day, Neville and I were the first people you came to, right?"

Harry lowered his eyes. "Well, actually…"

"What did you do?"

Meanwhile, In Professor McGonagall's Office…

"Of all the disgusting, unexpected behavior! From our head boy and girl, no less! Really, I have not seen the like since Lily and James Potter served, and no Mr. Weasley, regardless of their heroics after leaving the school, that is not a compliment…"

Hermione, sitting rigidly in a chair across from McGonagall's desk, leaned over and whispered in Ron's ear…"Harry is going to pay for this."

He nodded fervently in agreement, as McGonagall continued.

"…and in the library of all places. Is nothing sacred, Miss Granger? Nothing at all?"

Fin.

A/N: Wow, I intended this to be entirely satirical, but I got into it despite myself. It is certainly one of the longer humor pieces I have written…At any rate, I really don't know what genre to put this…weird combination of humor, romance, parody, and a side of angst…as, but I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know!

orangepenguin