Disclaimer: This story is the reason I don't own X…
Oh no… I went and wrote a second installment so here are those answers from the last chapter: no, no and because the last time I was the thimble I went on a rampage abusing my newly acquired thimble powers.
…anyway…warnings for senseless Subaru and Kamui torture…because in my twisted and far-off universe, it's damn hilarious.
I am MAN
"Uh, a bird!"
"No, a plane!"
"God no, it's the first amendment!"
The remaining Dragons of Heaven were gathered around Arashi, who was doing her best to act out the secret word in a rousing game of charades. Sorata was screaming out every word that came to mind for the last five minutes while Karen and Yuzuriha sat back in astonishment and Aoki gorged on a bowl of Barbeque Chips.
"Sora-san, how is this—" Yuzuriha began violently flapping her arms, "—the first amendment?"
"Hey, I don't see anyone else throwing out ideas! Come on, Nee-chan, give us more to think on!"
Arashi glared daggers at the monk, but only waved her arms faster.
"Umm….ummm…the flying house of pancakes?"
"NO. I'M A HAMMER!" she screamed.
Sorata blinked. "Oh…"
"Hey, Arashi-chan, you're not supposed to speak!" admonished Karen. Arashi grimaced at them and stormed over to an unoccupied chair in the corner.
"Alright, I got one!" cried out Aoki, whose mouth was full with the potato chips. He hurried to the center of the room, and immediately began acting like a mime trapped in an invisible box.
"Umm, alright…don't tell me!" began Sorata.
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them all, especially the windmaster, Aoki had a deadly allergic reaction to Barbequed Potato Chips. At that instant, his throat began to swell shut.
"Okay, you're choking!" exclaimed Yuzuriha as Aoki clutched at his throat.
"Turning blue!" cried Karen.
Aoki squirmed along the floor trying to gurgle for help. In panic, he began crashing into every object in the living room.
"Ramming your head into the wall!"
"Getting a concussion!"
"Bleeding!"
"Writhing in a fetal position with extreme discomfort!"
He passed out in the middle of the living room floor with a trail of blood leaking from his mouth. His leg twitched.
"Dying! Stiff! Um, a log! Come on, Aoki-san, this is really hard!" complained Yuzuriha.
He wasn't moving anymore.
"Oh, I give up!" cried Karen.
"You hear that, Aoki? We give up!" Sorata shouted to the lifeless man.
Yuzuiha pouted. "He's so stubborn…"
"Hey wait a minute…something isn't right," remarked Arashi as she stared at Aoki's body. "Where are Kamui and Subaru-san?"
"That's right." Sorata stepped over Aoki. "It's almost been an hour. I know Kamui's—"
"FLAMING!" screamed Yuzuriha. Arashi and Sorata stared. Karen was resuming their game of charades with the young girl as an attentive audience.
"—upset," continued Sorata. "But he should be down here…I'll go check on them." He then stepped back over the body of their friend and started up the stairs.
Kamui briskly paced around his bed, but his guilt followed with ease wherever he went. Why did he have to say all those things to Subaru? It was Subaru—he was always there for him when he needed help. He was the only one that truly understood the trials that Kamui went through. Subaru was his kindred spirit, always kind, patient and gentle. He didn't deserve to be hurt like that.
He briefly halted to stare at his bedroom door, as he had done dozens of times already, with the hope that the onmyouji would come walking through it, and that they could forget all that had been said in the last hour. But Subaru never came, and it confirmed Kamui's fear that what he said could not have been forgotten—that he had truly upset the Sumeragi.
As he stood there listlessly, Kamui realized that the events of this day no longer mattered as much as what he said. Except for the Sakurazukamori! Why couldn't you just keep your fat mouth shut? Kamui sighed as he decided that there was only one thing for him to do: apologize and beg for forgiveness like a sniveling idiot.
He swallowed his pride, and took a tentative step out of his bedroom and into the open. Subaru still must have been in the mansion; he would not have gotten far as long as Yuzuriha held his apartment keys. Downstairs he could hear the others playing charades. Subaru certainly would not want to be anywhere near that spectacle. Kamui glanced down the hall where he saw that the bathroom light was glowing beneath the door. He quietly tiptoed next to it, and rapped his hand against the door.
"Subaru…are you in there?"
He was answered by a shuffling noise on the other side.
He took a deep breath. "Subaru…listen, I shouldn't have said…I didn't mean to hurt your…it wasn't any of my business that you're…" His lungs deflated. His tongue was stumbling over every cliché apology there was. "Look Subaru…I know you were just trying to comfort me. What I said…it wasn't fair to you…and I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry. Really, truly sorry."
He paused, waiting for a voice on the other side to answer. Instead, the strange shuffling noises grew more frantic.
Kamui bent down his head, searching for more to say. "And for what it's worth…I think you're a wonderful person…it doesn't matter what you look like."
Silence.
"Subaru, are you listening?" he called out with faint annoyance.
More silence.
Kamui frowned, and decided that he needed to talk to him face to face. His hand locked over the door knob. "Subaru, please, I just need to apolo—" He pushed the door open, and instantly went quiet.
Standing in front of the sink was a staggeringly beautiful young woman with flowing raven hair and dark red lips. Tall, slender and with pale, creamy skin, she was flawless. She wore a thin, outdated black dress, but nevertheless, it perfectly accentuated every curve of her body as it fell just past her knees. Her gaze was locked on her reflection on the mirror, desperately searching for something unknown to Kamui as he gaped awestruck at this divine creature.
"A-ah, sorry! I thought you were someone else!" he stammered. The woman tore her eyes from the mirror and stared in his direction, although her brilliant eyes appeared lost in a completely different world.
Kamui paled. She had green eyes.
Oh God.
"Subaru?"
His long eyelashes fluttered in a daze and bright jade spheres studied Kamui in confusion. "Kamui…?"
Kamui took a step backwards, unsure whether he should laugh or feel sick to his stomach. "What the hell are you doing dressed like that?"
"Dressed like wha—" His voice hitched when stole a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He jumped back with a start. "OH GOD!" His heel caught on the bathroom rug, and the hysterical onmyouji crashed into the bathtub behind him. "Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!"
The sight of Subaru trapped in a bathtub in complete drag screaming at himself proved to much for Kamui. He doubled over laughing as the poor man's face steadily grew a darker shade of red. In moments they were both in grave danger of passing out, one from uncontrollable laughter and the other from utter mortification.
Only when his chest felt like it was going to catch fire and his lungs were aching for air did Kamui sink his teeth into his bottom lip to suppress himself from another outburst. Oxygen flooded through his body sending his heartbeat pulsing in his ears. Slowly, it tapered back down, and Kamui heard a strange thumping from the bathtub. Subaru was repeatedly thrashing his head against its edge.
"He-hey, what're you doing?"
Subaru looked up in misery. "Killing myself."
"No, wait! I'm done!" Despite his assurances, a string of giggles left Kamui. He clasped a hand over his mouth. "Re-really I'm done! Subaru…let's take a deep breath. We both know it will take too long to bludgeon yourself to death on the bathtub."
"Should I try a razor blade?" queried Subaru bitterly.
Kamui uneasily sat on the edge of the bathtub. Whatever words of comfort could possibly be helpful were lost the moment he stared at Subaru. "Where did you get the dress? And that wig?"
"The attic, I think…" he replied while keeping his eyes over the nearest razor.
"And you have…" He stared at the Sumeragi's chest. "…cleavage?"
He moaned, and shrouded his eyes against his hand. "Attic," he explained more firmly.
"I'm beginning to wonder about Nokoru-san's tastes…What exactly were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking straight!" he snapped back. But his eyes fell past Kamui's shoulder at the old picture that was left sitting at the base of the bathroom mirror. He fell quiet, and Kamui braced himself for a good deal of bitter angsting that only Subaru could provide...even if he was in a dress.
"Nine years ago…I tried to change so much. I killed myself—the person you see in that picture. And after what you said, I kept thinking about the photo and whether I really was different. I wanted to prove…that I wasn't effeminate like in the picture, so I thought if it was obvious I wasn't a girl when I did this—I was only thinking! I didn't notice what happened until you came…" he whispered while cringing at how stupid his excuse was. Putting on a dress to prove that he was not effeminate; leave it to himself to twist even the logic in that.
Kamui narrowed his eyes. "So you're saying that this is all my fault?" He paused, and before Subaru could answer, he caught himself. "No…it is my fault, isn't it? If I had said those things, you wouldn't have been driven to do something…like this."
He suddenly brightened. "Wait…you recognized me. That means that you didn't think I was a woman, and I'm not effeminate, doesn't it?"
"Subaru, you're wearing heels."
He looked down. "Yeah, but you—"
"Heels!"
Subaru pouted.
Kamui sighed. "So where did you leave your clothes? The attic?" Subaru absently nodded. "Alright, so first we'll need to go back to the attic so you can change. Then back here to wash off the make-up. Maybe if we hurry, no one will—"
"You're helping me?" whispered Subaru.
Kamui offered him a hand out of the bathtub. "Friends don't let friends cross-dress," he weakly smiled as he helped Subaru to his feet. "Besides, it is my fault."
When Subaru appeared composed enough, Kamui started for the door. "Follow close behind me and we'll—"
"Hey Kamui, where are you?" called Sorata down the hall.
They both turned white.
"Are you in the bathroom?"
"Quick, hide!" cried Kamui.
"Hide? Hide where?" exclaimed Subaru.
"I don't know!"
"Forget it! Just get me out of the dress!" Subaru pointed to the zipper that ran along his back.
"You want him to see you naked?"
"Better than like this!"
Sorata's voice was growing closer to the door. "Subaru, ya in there too?"
Kamui desperately fumbled with the small piece of metal. "The zipper's stuck!"
"Pull on it harder!"
"Don't squirm!"
"Just get it off!"
"I can't!"
"OUCH!"
"My leg!"
The bathroom echoed with several loud crashes as the two tripped over one another, sending objects flying across the marble tiles. When Sorata swung open the door, he was speechless to find Kamui lying over Subaru in a rather intimate position.
He was dumbstruck like he had just witnessed a sex scene gone terribly wrong. "W-whoa...sorry to bother—"
Kamui turned a crimson red as he scrambled off Subaru. "N-no! We weren't—it, it isn't what you think!" He frantically searched for a firm, manly excuse while Sorata kept his bulging eyes over the cross-dressed onmyouji. "We were wrestling!"
They were met with a disgusted stare, and the two grew considerably paler as they waited for the monk to deliver the blow. "Kamui…" scolded Sorata. "…you were wrestling with a girl? You could have hurt her!"
Kamui's eyes widened. "W-wait…you don't know who this is?" He pointed at Subaru, who was doing everything in his power to disappear from the room.
He raised an eyebrow. "Nope, not a clue. But I'd sure like to know…" He walked past Kamui, and gently pulled Subaru from the floor. "You didn't injure yourself, did ya, Miss?"
Subaru was trembling with his face cast away from his prying eyes. He was petrified to think of what would happen if his fellow Seal recognized him. Unfortunately for the Sumeragi, Sorata's curiosity prompted him to slide several fingers beneath his chin and lift his face into clear view. He winced, and forced himself to look the Seal in the eye…where there wasn't the slightest glint of recognition.
"You have a pretty face, Miss. You shouldn't hide it. Now what might be your name?"
Subaru fought back a shiver. Why was Sorata staring at him like that?
Kamui quickly stepped in. "This, this is Su—Su—Sumi…her name is Sumi. My…tutor."
Both Sorata and Subaru gave him a hard stare. "You were with your tutor in the bathroom."
He shifted around. "Yes…Sumi was just tutoring me about how the sink works. Weren't you Sumi?"
Subaru violently nodded his head when Sorata gazed back at him.
"The sink?"
"I'll have you know it's complicated!" he exclaimed in a quivering voice.
He folded his arms. "So you expect me to believe that you were in the bathroom being tutored about the sink with Miss Sumi when you decided to wrestle…"
"Yes. Yes I do."
Sorata shrugged. "Alright." He was about to head back to the door and leave them, when he abruptly wheeled back around. "But I was sure that I heard Subaru in here."
Kamui was growing more nervous by the second. "O-oh that? I was just doing…my Subaru impression!" He swallowed hard. "'I'm Subaru. I hate my life. Angst angst angst.'"
Sorata grinned. "Hey—that was pretty good!"
Subaru glared at them both, and fought down the impulse to give Kamui a hard kick in the shin. Kamui, on the other hand, was much too uneasy to notice his threatening expression. "O-Of course it's good. That's exactly what you heard, because Subaru isn't here. Nope, he's not here, and he sure isn't standing right next to me wearing a dress and completely fooling you because you're stupid moron!" He twitched. Subaru slapped his forehead.
Sorata blinked. "What was that?"
"So, who wants ice cream?" Subaru spoke for the first time. They both turned their attention to him, and realizing that his voice was too low, he cleared his throat and started again in an octave higher. "I mean, so who wants ice cream?"
Sorata was transfixed by him. "Me! Me! I want ice cream! I can go it!"
They were about to breathe a sigh of relief when the Seal turned back to them again. "But hey, before that, you should come down and meet everybody!"
"What? No, I can't!" cried Subaru.
"Yeah, Sumi has to tutor me more, or else I'll fail next week's test!" protested Kamui.
But Sorata had already seized Subaru's wrist, and began dragging him to the door. "Sumi-chan deserves a break. Besides, if it's that important to ya, I'll teach you how the bathtub works this weekend. Now come on, the both of you!"
"But! But!" squeaked Kamui.
Sorata continued to pull the mortified onmyouji down the hall in spite of their protests. "That's enough. You should think of Sumi-chan more as a lady than as a tutor, Kamui. You're workin' her too hard."
Before Subaru could break free of the monk's firm hand, they were already facing the top of the staircase. In the next room below, he could hear the others' voices blathering on with another round of charades. Sorata may have been too thickheaded to see through this disguise, but at least one of the Seals in that room would not be fooled. He squinted his eyes shut. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.
"Sumi-chan? After you," offered Sorata as he gestured to the staircase.
He was trapped with nowhere to go but down those stairs. Yet he doubted even that would be possible. As he was forcibly yanked through the hallway, he was dangerously close to tripping on those damned heels and breaking an ankle. Walking down a staircase was out of the question.
Apparently, Kamui had read his friend's thoughts as he reluctantly stared at the steps. At once, he stepped in and offered Subaru his arm. "Sumi…you can hold onto me," he said with all his strength to stop the cracking in his voice.
Sorata slapped him on the back. "Way ta go, Kamui. Be a gentleman!"
Subaru hesitated before taking Kamui's arm. The boy's face looked like it was on fire with that scarlet blush, and he was certain that his own face was no different as the situation was growing more awkward between them. In perfect unison, they took a deep breath, and Kamui led the onmyouji down the first step.
Subaru wasted no time in clawing into Kamui. With his head bent low, he started hissing in his ear. "What are we doing? We can't go down there!"
"Quiet," whispered Kamui. "I have a pla—aaa-AHHH." They were at the second step, and it was clear that they would not be getting down the staircase in one piece. Subaru had a death grip on his entire arm that cut off his circulation. He cringed in agony. "Subar—ah, Sumi…you're breaking my arm…" he hissed.
Kamui was certain that lost somewhere in his apprehensive green eyes, Subaru was satisfied at his pain because his second arm mercilessly fastened over his shoulder. "I don't sound like that. I don't chant 'angst, angst, angst!'"
He stifled a cry of pain. Spots were dancing in front of his eyes at the lack of blood and oxygen by the third step. If Subaru had to dress like a girl, then why the hell did he choose to wear heels that were impossible for anyone to walk in, least of all when walking down a staircase that was becoming the bane of their existence?
Kamui growled at the onmyouji, who was now practically squeezing the life out of him, on his back. "You just said 'angst, angst, an—AH GOD, IT HURTS!" Unable to last a second longer, Kamui passed out, and went tumbling down the steps with Subaru not far behind. With a terrible thud, he landed face-first onto the hard wooden floor. In his state of unconsciousness, he let out a low and miserable wail, which was quickly silenced when the Sumeragi crashed directly over his small body.
"DON'T WORRY, SUMI! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Sorata shouted before sliding down the railing. Subaru glanced up at the staircase to see the monk flying down the rail gracefully with heroic speed—
— straight into the end of the railing where a thick, wooden newel blocked his descent. Subaru kept his eyelids tightly shut as Sorata howled in the aftermath of his impulsive stupidity.
However, the sounds in the next room worried the onmyouji much more, especially when there came an amplified shriek that made his heart drop.
"SUBARU'S A DRAG QUEEN!"
Yuzuriha's shrill cry broke Kamui out of his ensuing coma, and at once he shot up from the floor. "No! No he's not!" He tried to scream as he jumped in front of his disgraced friend.
"I didn't want to! It just happened—the dress and the hair and, and the cleavage! And the heels, the horrible heels! WHY?" wailed Subaru on his knees.
All eyes turned on them through the doorway of the living room. Even Aoki gave a sudden twitch as the rigor mortis set in. Karen was the first to stand from her seat, and gave them both a puzzled look. "What are you talking about? We were just playing charades…"
Kamui blinked. "Ch-charades?"
"Yeah…you know, that old seventies song, 'Subaru's a Drag Queen'?"
"O-Oh…" muttered the boy meekly. Behind him, Subaru looked like he was going to faint dead away.
"So who's your friend, Kamui-san?" prodded Yuzuriha.
Before Subaru had the luck of blacking out, he was caught against Sorata's chest, and lifted back upright. "Everyone, meet Sumi-chan! She's been tutoring Kamui."
Immediately, Yuzuriha bobbed over to take his hands in a firm grip. Behind her, Karen was staring. At one moment, she opened her mouth as if to expose him on the spot, but she then did a double-take at him, and remained in a guarded silence. She shook her head, dismissing the very idea that the person in front of her could possibly be the onmyouji, if only because it too absurd to be believed.
Arashi, however, was shooting him a withering glare. Her eyes were dark and glistened with a hint of jealousy when they fell on Subaru. He shifted uncomfortably first, unsure why he was suddenly the object of hatred of the secretive shrine maiden, but only a glance behind gave him his answer.
Sorata was staring wide-eyed at his hips. Suddenly he felt the urge to vomit.
Meanwhile, Yuzuriha was chattering on with Inuki brushed up against her legs. The dog spirit's eyes were enlarged as if there were a message written in those dark marbles that amounted to what the hell do you think you're doing, you gender confused fairy?
Maybe he should not have been focusing so much attention into what an invisible dog what thinking about him.
"Oh, and you have such pretty green eyes, too, Sumi-chan!" continued Yuzuriha.
Arashi started. "Green eyes?"
Sorata scratched his head. "Oh yeah…that reminds me. Where is Subaru, Kamui?"
Kamui fidgeted. "He…um…saw a panda bear. A panda bear that was eating…his shoe. And then it escaped out of the window, and he chased after it!" Once again, everyone stared. Subaru gave him a very dark glower.
"Kamui, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard…" muttered Sorata. Kamui looked down with shame. "Everyone knows that the upstairs windows are always locked!"
Yet before anyone else could comment, Sorata's head whipped up with a slightly mad glimmer in his eye. "Wait…that means there's a panda roaming upstairs! Everyone, for the love of God, get out of here! Evacuate the women and children first!" He grabbed Subaru's wrist, heaved a screaming and kicking Kamui up with the other arm and hurried to the front door. "No, wait! Not the front door! That's just what the panda expects us to do!"
Despite the monk's obvious psychotic episode, Karen stood from her chair with relaxed ease and started for the back door down the hall. "That's right, we were going to go out for dinner after we finished with charades."
Subaru turned around as he was being dragged out the door, nearly in hysterical tears. "Dinner? No—not outside! I can't go outside! NOT OUTSIDE!"
"LET ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO!" shrieked Kamui as he wormed in Sorata's firm hold.
"Oooh! Let's go to the Taco Hut! Inuki almost has the complete Barbie set in the kid's meals!" squealed Yuzuriha.
Just the Hiker Go-Go Girl Barbie Toy and my life's work is complete! Inuki thought as he trailed out the door after the young girl.
Arashi was seething after Subaru and Sorata. "HATE."
And Aoki…well, he just lied there on the floor lifeless and cold.
"Aoki-san…Aoki-san?" called Karen, who after some Aoki-less amount of time, reentered the mansion.
Aoki didn't move.
"We're done with charades! Now come on."
Still no movement.
She blinked. "Aoki-san?"
Even still nothing, although in the time she took to blink, Aoki was now wearing a funny hat as he lied there motionlessly.
"You are stubborn…" she sighed to the stiff editor. With an annoyed grunt, she lifted his heels to her shoulders, and dragged him out of the mansion.
With everyone now out of the mansion, the abandoned estate seeped into an unprecedented calm—that was, until a strange rustling sound upstairs shattered the eerie quiet. In the closet by Kamui's room, there was a great rummaging of brooms and other cleaning supplies. The door gave way, and two giant panda bears tumbled out of the closet.
"I told they knew we were here!" the first panda exclaimed.
The other bear shrugged. "Yeah, whatever. Let's go finish off the last of that guy's shoe."
To be continued…
It's past midnight. I've got work early tomorrow. I need sleep, and this is what happens when I delay it. Any questions?
Good. Now should anyone fail in killing me for this chapter, I'll get to the third installment sometime.
And now, for those who are supporting me in this madness when they probably shouldn't:
0ri: Wee! Thanks for reviewing. I shall continue…!
tragic ending: Sorry…the voices made me do it! And yes, there is a friendship sweater song…
TintAngel: Indeed he is. Very beautiful.
Sakora4: Oh, if you think I'll stop torturing him anytime soon than you're underestimating my powers of evil.
Firey Chronicles: I'll try and update about every week…unless the evil college witches trap me in their homework pen of doom…
mooneasterbunny: (laughs evilly) very well then…I won't.
loversangel: usually I don't get that when I write crack. But thank you for saying so!
Darkmoon Fleur: Thank you, thank you! Yes, only a beginning to this crazy fun house of SK torture!
White Phoenix Eternal: Poor, poor Kamui-kun. And yes, against my conscience I'm thinking of it…
CalasstriaStar: I know! It's JUST not fair!
Miss Midori: Gentle humor, huh? Well that's all going to hell with this chapter…and beware the Aguilera (she be a succubus out to suck our souls).
Jacaranda: (laughs) Don't apologize for a sugar high. How do you think this stuff writes itself?