Disclaimer: This story is the reason I don't own X.
Your assassination attempts were pathetic. Here's a new chapter...
I am MAN
"Sumi-chan? Are you hyperventilating?"
"No…" wheezed Subaru. "I'm…try…ing…to…suffo…cate…myself…"
"Ahahaha, Sumi's joking!" stepped in Kamui. "Suffocating herself…no, she's just cold." Behind him, Subaru fainted to the ground. He swallowed hard. "Ha…ha…"
They were standing under a defective neon sign of a nightclub in downtown Tokyo. After an hour of avoiding homicidal, invisible pandas across the city, the seven Dragons of Heaven (the limp and motionless windmaster being dragged among them) settled for this inconspicuous building to dine in.
Needless to say, Subaru was going through quite an ordeal after an hour walking in the nighttime city in flawless drag. It was difficult enough that everyone that passed believed that he was a woman, but even worse was that he was a pretty woman. After several cat calls and wide-eyed stares, Subaru was a whimpering mess. Yet to the onmyouji's credit, Kamui was surprised that he had not run himself into traffic or ripped off the dress and gone into a screaming fit.
Sorata leapt forward. "Sumi-chan's cold? She can wear my Friendship Sweater!"
Just the ominous words "friendship sweater" roused Subaru from unconsciousness—something that he deeply regretted when the first thing he saw were Sorata's anxious eyes over him.
"So how 'bout it Sumi? Do you want my Friendship Sweater? It could be our Friendship Sweater."
"What's that sound?" Karen broke in. A disturbing noise was steadily growing more audible with every word Sorata spoke.
Yuzuriha frowned. "It sounds like a cat trying to cough out a hairball while its tail is in a blender…"
Inuki: It's the sound my heart makes for Taco Hut…
"No," disagreed Sorata. "It's more like two goats and a walrus having at it as an angel loses its wings."
Dead silence.
"What the HELL does that mean?" screamed Kamui.
As the horrible cat-coughing, angel-affronting sound amplified, the Seals turned around to face Arashi, who was about to burst a blood vessel glaring at Subaru.
Sorata stared. "Nee-chan…are you speaking in tongues?"
Arashi's growling grew louder.
Karen clapped her hands. "All right then…so who's hungry?"
Everyone quickly hurried into the nightclub, even Subaru, who was presently more frightened by the shrine maiden than his current situation.
When they arrived at one of the tables in the middle of the building, one of the Seals had issues getting into his seat. Every time that Karen placed the incapacitated editor into his chair, he slumped out of it. After the fourth time that this happened, she flagged down the nearest waitress.
"Can we get a booster seat over here?"
Kamui gaped as Karen was stuffing Aoki into the booster seat. "Is…he alright?"
"Oh, Aoki-san's just still playing charades. He won't give up until we figure out what he is!" chirped Yuzuriha. "Let's see…a puppet? A doll? A dead raccoon!"
Something inside Aoki's body cracked when Karen gave him a hard shove into his chair. "Fit in there, dammit!"
Doing his best to ignore the spectacle, Kamui turned his attention back to Subaru's plight. The onmyouji was now between killing himself or getting killed by the evil stare Arashi kept sending in his direction. Realizing that it was time to make a momentary exit, Kamui cleared his throat.
"Oh no. It seems that I have misplaced my fork. It must be under the table," he remarked while staring directly at Subaru.
"Kamui-san, what are you talking about?" started Yuzuriha. "None of us have forks and—"
His voice changed an octave higher. "I LOST MY FORK! Sumi, will you help me FIND IT under the TABLE."
Subaru swallowed hard and slid out of his chair under the chipped, gum-infested table, and he instantly let free a broken sob he had been holding in for an hour. "I can't believe they don't notice!" he wailed.
Kamui gazed beyond the Sumeragi's shoulder at Aoki's stiff leg. "I know…it should have been obvious that he was dead when those rats followed us from the sewer."
Subaru flinched back with even more hurt in his expression. "N-No…they haven't noticed me!"
"You're upset that none of them realized that you're cross-dressing?" whispered Kamui.
"Yes. I m-mean no!" Subaru hesitated. "I…why don't they see that I'm not a woman?"
With a deep frown, Kamui realized that he had an obligation as a friend to explain the intricate truth to the onmyouji. Even more difficult was that as he was staring at Subaru under that dank and musty table he was seeing his future in him. Subaru was everything he was going to be one day.
And that had to be the most depressing thought Kamui ever had.
"Subaru…you're a beautiful girl. Men, and possibly some women, stare at you down the street and they think of getting you in a room and ripping off your clothes with a couple of camera men and perhaps one or two midgets. That's who you are." He paused. "Subaru? Subaru, are you listening?"
Subaru was gaping forward very much like he had gone within his soul again. He was frozen without the slightest hint of color over his complexion. The only clue that assured Kamui that Subaru was even still with him was that he was trembling with an odd mixture of suicidal nausea coupled with an uncanny look of horror on his face.
Kamui sighed. "Right then. So when you regain the will to live…or the feeling in your legs, I have a plan. I'll steal back the apartment key from Yuzuriha, while you get out of here and meet me at the building. Then we can pretend that this never happened."
Subaru did not move, and Kamui sighed as he rose back to his seat.
"All I'm saying is why couldn't we have gone to that Taco Hut across the street? Or the one across from that one? Or the one in the back alley?" Yuzuriha complained to Sorata.
"Yuzu-chan, that wasn't a Taco Hut…that was two bums fighting over a turkey sandwich," corrected Karen.
"And besides, everyone knows that pandas are attracted to taco meat!" exclaimed Sorata. "It's a law of nature. If we walked into a Taco Hut, what's stopping the place from being overrun by them all? I don't know about you, but I just can't take that risk."
"But Taco Hut has the Barbie toys with the kid's meals! Inuki's so close to getting them all!" At her side, the dog spirit was whining.
Sorata's eyes shifted around the table. "Well, uh, this place has bar nuts! The panda's natural enemies are bar nuts and tractors. And bar nuts have a special surprise inside!
"You mean bits of glass and Cirrhosis?"
"Exactly! What can be more fun than the magic of discovery?"
Kamui swallowed hard at the difficult task he had at hand. He had to remember that he was doing this for Subaru, who at the moment was having a hard and depressing look at his own soul. With that thought, he forced a wide smile at the young girl.
"So Yuzuriha-chan…what's new?"
She pouted. "Sora-san won't let us go to the Taco Hut."
"I told you, the pandas are there!" fought back Sorata.
"Th-the pandas…" muttered back Kamui. This was for Subaru. God help him, for Subaru.
Sorata's expression hardened, and he went misty-eyed. "I'll never forget it. It was the day I arrived at the ranch on leave from my training at Kouya. It was dark and stormy, and yet the clouds parted and the sun shined over a horse. Her name…was Buttercup…"
Fifteen minutes of incoherent horse-drabble and one whopping migraine later…
"…and I never saw 'ol Buttercup again. As she rode off into the sunset, only one word escaped my lips. Pandas."
Yuzuriha was near tears. Karen's bottom lip quivered. Even Arashi showed a rare flash of emotion. Meanwhile, Kamui's eye was twitching angrily. "That had nothing to do with pandas! You just said the word 'pandas' at the end!"
Sorata looked offended. "Well, if you were listenin' at all to the subtext of the story, you'd see it was all about the evil of pandas!"
"Pandas aren't evil! They don't even eat meat much less tacos! And they don't attack people in family restaurants!" exploded Kamui.
"That's just what the panda-manipulated press would have ya believe, Kamui. Just tell that to Subaru. The panda attacked his shoe, right?"
Kamui was reaching the end of his patience, but in the middle of this stupidity, he found his chance to shift the conversation. "Right, Subaru—he ran off. So Yuzuriha-chan, if you just give me the keys to his apartment, I can give them to him when I see him, and—"
"Poor Buttercup….waaaaah!" Yuzuriha wailed against Karen's shoulder.
Kamui slouched down in his seat with a low moan. In seconds, he would be the one under the table crying. But just as he was sure that the situation could not be improved, a shifting sound below captured his startled attention.
Beneath the table, Subaru emerged with a blank expression. His eyes did not appear to register anyone who surrounded the table, regardless of their curious stares over him. His attention rested only on the green exit sign, and he started toward the door without a word to the others.
"Sumi-chan? Didya find Kamui's fork?" queried Sorata.
Subaru hurried faster, but his legs were like deadwood and he knew that he was not going to get far with those damnable heels.
"Sumi-chan? Where're you going?" When Sorata made the effort to stand from his seat to go after the fleeing onmyouji, Kamui quickly blocked his path.
"Sumi's got to leave now! She needs to go home!" he cried.
The monk's eyes swelled with disappointment. "Already? But we just got here. And…and the PANDAS!"
Subaru tripped over his own feet and crashed to the floor.
"What if Sumi-chan gets attacked!" exclaimed Sorata.
"Will you stop about the pandas!" growled Arashi, who for the first time in the hour said a full sentence. As far as she was concerned, the sooner Subaru left, the better.
Sorata looked down and muttered something unintelligible, while Subaru was lifted back to his feet by several all-too-eager men in the club. Unfortunately, before the Sumeragi had the slightest hope of escaping the building, Sorata's face flashed with an idea.
"I know! I'll dance with Sumi-chan so she'll have fun and'll have to stay with us!"
"Wh-what?" cried Kamui.
"What!" hissed Arashi.
In the arms of one of the patrons, Subaru snapped his head back at the table. "Wha…what…"
Before he knew what was happening, Sorata stalked over him, and took his hand. "Come on, a song's about to start. It'll be fun."
Subaru struggled to no avail to escape his resolute grip, but Sorata continued to lead him to the dance floor near the front of the building. "N-no, I really don't want to—aaah!" His protests turned into a shudder when he was pressed against the Seal's chest and led into the melody of a slow song. He stifled a cry, and gazed helplessly through the throngs of people for Kamui, his green eyes begging for some form of salvation.
Kamui, however, had another task at hand, and now that Sorata was blathering on about homicidal herbivorous bears somewhere else, he had the chance to complete it. He felt a small twitch of guilt at leaving Subaru with the hormone-driven monk, but he nevertheless had to press on to save the poor onmyouji from any more trauma.
He turned again to face Yuzuriha, who had regained enough composure for him to prod her once more. "So…the key. I can give it to Subaru and—"
"Isn't Sumi-san pretty? I wish I could get eyeliner on as straight as she can…" she interjected.
"And Sorata-san seems to have taken to her," added Karen slyly. Her voice was quickly offset by a feral growl from Arashi's direction.
"Subaru's keys…? Are you listening?" he implored the girl.
"And she's so thin! That's not fair!"
"Yeah, I'd like to see any of the other girls here fit into that black dress," continued Karen. "I bet she can eat a whole plate of the buffalo wings here and not gain a pound!"
It did not take long for Kamui to realize that his pleas were going unheard.
…Girl talk...
Several feet away, Sorata appeared to be having the time of his life with Subaru being forced along the dance floor in his arms. Subaru, however, was darkly considering incapacitating the disc jockey, who seemed so intent on playing nothing but slow songs for the duration of his torture.
"So are ya in the Clamp college, Sumi-chan?" he whispered into his ear.
Subaru hissed. "You…can say th-that." He did not like how Sorata's hands were fastened over his hips.
"A college girl," he remarked with a grin as his palm moved lower over Subaru. "Ya know, in about a year or so, I'll be in college, so I—OW!" He suddenly howled when Subaru drove his heel into the monk's foot.
His heart leapt when Sorata released him, and he contemplated whether he should make a break for it and run to the nearest exit. Unfortunately, Sorata did not seem to take the hint as his arms soon were repositioned over his body.
"Must've taken a wrong step…" the Seal muttered with a wince of pain. "So tell me about your—OWWW!"
Back at the table, Yuzuriha and Karen were going on about pastel colors. "All I'm saying, is that with green eyes like that, Sumi-san would look good in a lighter dress."
"I don't know," broke in Kamui, who unconsciously had his legs crossed. "I think darker colors would bring out that shade of forest green." He paused, and looked down at himself. "Oh god! IT'S HAPPENING!"
"Hm, Kamui-san might be right," mused Karen.
Yuzuriha sprung out of her seat. "I know! I can go get Sumi-san a Friendship Sweater! I hope the store's still open!"
"N-no!" cried Kamui after the girl. "No Friendship Sweater! Don't go, the keys, the pastel colors! NO!"
She giggled as she skipped away out of his grasp. "Oh Kamui-san! You're silly. Tell you what, I'll buy you a new Friendship Sweater, too! And don't worry, it won't be a pastel color!" Yuzuriha then bobbed through a crowd of people, and was lost from sight.
"But…the keys…" he whimpered to the empty chair that she once occupied.
"A statue!" exclaimed Karen, who resumed the ill-fated game of charades with the stiff editor in the booster seat. "…a baby? A dead baby!"
Kamui gazed at them both, realizing there was little he could do now to ease Subaru's situation. However, as Arashi's jealous wheezing permeated deeper into his hopeless thoughts, he started with a new idea. He stood, and like approaching an angry cat, he took Arashi's hand and hurried onto the dance floor.
He was vaguely aware of her struggling against him and scratching at his wrist, but he managed to ignore it all until he found Subaru coming close to impaling Sorata's foot.
"OW! OW! OW!...Can I have your phone number? OOOOWW!" screamed Sorata.
With a deep breath, Kamui broke the two apart. "Can, can we cut in?" he stammered.
Sorata's eyes sparkled at Arashi, who was about to tear at someone's throat. "Nee-chan wants to dance with me? Rea-really?"
Arashi glared at Kamui, then Sorata, and finally gave the worse glower to Subaru, knowing that if she refused, Sorata would continue growing closer to this impetuous "other woman." Biting her lip, she hesitantly nodded, and Sorata looked like he could back-flip with joy.
Once released, Subaru practically fell into Kamui's arms. With little difficulty, he dragged the onmyouji off the dance floor.
Not surprisingly, the first thing Subaru did was let out a wretched moan. "Kill me. Murder me now!"
"It couldn't have been so bad," Kamui attempted to console him.
He shivered. "He tried to fondle me."
"Really? And he didn't notice that you were a guy while doing that?" he asked back.
For the second time that day, Kamui deeply regretted his choice of words. Subaru flinched and broke out into hysterics. "I…I…I! I am a man! I am…"
"Ssh! Ssh!" he tried to hush the Sumeragi as people nearby were beginning to stare.
"…I am…" he cried.
"Don't cry, Subaru…your mascara will run." He rubbed Subaru's back as he whimpered against his shoulder, and then braced himself before he spoke next. "Now about your apartment keys…"
"Isn't this fun, Nee-chan? This is the best night of my life!" Sorata exclaimed over and over as he held Arashi tight over his larger frame.
Arashi stared over his shoulder, keeping a careful watch for Subaru. "Mn."
"And there's not a single Panda to be seen!"
"Mn!" Arashi froze and dug her fingernails into Sorata the moment she caught a glimpse of a woman in a black dress. She ignored his cries of pain, and sent the unfortunate woman a glare that could melt flesh.
His eyes glittered in spite of the fact that his shoulders were beginning to bleed. "But you know, Nee-chan…I'd protect you from them even if they were here."
The music abruptly stopped, and the DJ leaned into the microphone. "Alright, is everyone havin' a good time out there?"
He was answered by an awkward silence. Swallowing hard, he put on an applause track. "Well, now it's time to welcome the club mascot this evening…everyone make some noise for BARTY, the DANCING PANDA!"
From the back room, a man wearing a shabby panda suit burst onto the dance floor to the cheers of nearly everyone.
"We love you, Barty!"
"GO BARTY!"
As the strange mascot started break dancing no more than five feet away, Sorata was convulsing.
"Sorata?" The sight of the monk psychotically regressing broke Arashi out of her homicidal spell.
"BARTY! BARTY! BARTY!"
His eyes were raging "PAN…DA…"
"Sorata…"
He quietly broke away from Arashi without taking his eyes off the dancing club mascot. "Don't worry, Nee-chan. I'LL take care of this." Sorata hurried away from the dance floor, leaving Arashi alone.
It did not take the mascot long to notice her standing there, and he danced the robot in her direction. She paled considerably when it started jumping around her.
"Stop it…" she muttered when the panda made a kissy-noise at her.
The bear tried to take her arms as it started square dancing in front of her. Arashi's eye twitched, and she drove a fist into the bear's head. "I said stop it!"
The music silenced with a collective gasp from the rest of the nightclub. As all eyes fell on her and the weeping panda, Arashi uncomfortably shifted where she stood.
"Hey! She hit Barty!"
"Panda's have feelings, too!"
"Panda-hater!"
It looked as if Arashi was about to be engulfed by the angry mob, when a voice suddenly broke through their angry cries.
"Nee-chan! I'm COMING!" screamed Sorata. At once, he plowed through the crowd holding a broom. Leaping to her side, he pointed the cleaning implement at the mascot. "You've danced your last 'robot', Panda Bear!"
"Oh God, he's gotta broom! Everybody duck!"
"RRAGH!" With his battle cry he charged at the man in the panda suit.
Thump…thump…thump…
Kamui folded his arms as he watched Subaru repeatedly plow his head into the wooden table. Behind him, a guy in a panda suit was screaming and flailing his arms across the room with Sorata close behind waving a broom.
"I thought we already established that there wasn't much point in you bashing yourself to death," he remarked as Subaru continued with his self-mutilation.
Subaru rested his head against the table. "Do you really see something else we can do?" he snapped. "We're trapped in a nightclub in downtown Tokyo! I'm in a dress…I've been stared at, fondled and sexually solicited about five times since we got here. And now you tell me that there's no way to get back into my apartment and escape this nightmare!"
"What if we break into the apartment?" offered Kamui.
Subaru cringed. "Security system…" After the last time Seishirou had broken into one of his windows to sneak some rather inappropriate pictures of him in the shower, he had installed a top-of-the-line security system. Incidentally, the only one it could not keep out was the Sakurazukamori, who had no trouble creeping into his bedroom on the following night.
"Um…what about a store? Maybe we can buy some new clothes and you could change in a—"
"Do you have any money? Because if you haven't noticed, this dress doesn't exactly have pockets to carry it."
Kamui looked down thoughtfully. In their silence, Sorata's screams filled the air several yards away ("DIE PANDA! I'll broom ya good!") along with several loud crashes as the panda man ran for his life.
"…you didn't bring a purse with you?"
Subaru frowned. "I didn't think of it…"
"Hm…because a black purse would match your shoes quite nicely."
"Really? I thought it would look superficial."
Kamui shook his head. "No, not at all. I think with a small black purse you would look…" he trailed away as he caught himself reverting to the feminine side a second time. "GAAH! Make it stop!"
A loud bark unexpectedly followed Kamui's outburst, and the two Seals turned to the source of the noise. Inuki stared back up at them wagging his tail with abandon. However, what caught their attention the most was the small object glittering in the dog spirit's mouth.
"He's got your keys!" cried Kamui.
Slowly, they rose from the table and took a delicate step toward the dog.
"Here, Inuki…good boy…"
"WOOF!" exclaimed Inuki, and he rushed off into the chaotic nightclub crowd, before either Kamui or Subaru could get a step closer.
Kamui stared after the creature as Subaru whimpered.
"That dog is pure evil…"
"Leave me alone! I just want to love!" howled Barty the Panda as he rushed past one of the broken tables that Sorata had already laid to waste with his terrible broom.
"You're not getting away this time, Panda! Taste the fury of my bar nuts!" From his pocket, Sorata produced a handful of the tasty snack.
Barty shuddered. "No! Not bar nuts! I'm allergic!"
Not far away, Karen was looking over a drink list alongside Aoki. "Hm…not much to eat here. I think I'll get the spicy nachos…"
Aoki slumped forward and his head pounded against the menu laid out for him.
Karen shrugged, and slid the menu away from Aoki's head. "All right. I'll get you your buffalo wings…just wait here while I go place the order." Karen rose and started toward the bar table.
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" screamed the guy in the panda suit as he was being pelted by the fatal bar nuts. The furry mascot hurried past, and accidentally plowed into Aoki's table in his flight.
Aoki fell to the floor like a limp doll as the panda recovered enough to continue running.
"Gabloogabloogabloogh!" screamed Sorata. As he ran at full speed toward the imperiled mascot, he tripped over Aoki's body, and crashed into the table. In seconds, he was out cold.
With the chaos in the nightclub subsiding, the man in the panda suit walked over to the editor. "You saved Barty-the-Panda's life…"
"He's a hero!" screamed one of the customers.
"Hooray for the lifeless stranger!"
A crowd gathered over Aoki as Sorata and Arashi were dragged away screaming. They lifted him from the floor, and carried him off with a heartened cheer. "All hail the Panda-savior! Hip-hip hooray!"
Several minutes later, Karen returned to the destroyed table with the spicy bar food.
"I can't believe they charged that much for a plate of buffalo wings! You better enjoy them!" She paused and surveyed the ruined table that was vacant of the windmaster.
"…Aoki-san?"
To be continued…
No pandas or people resembling pandas were harmed in the writing of this story. In all likelihood the next chapter is probably the last. We'll see.
For the people who continue (rather unwisely) to encourage me:
Meirav: You reviewed! (huggles) I love you! I'll let you know where you can download it when I find it…lol.
Miss Midori: (grins) Let your family think you're crazy! And I love you too Subaru! Be yourself! A man…woman…bishonen…thing.
Tanuki-dono: even I don't know how I come up with this. But yes, it certainly is fun!
0ri: Your wish will be granted! And who can't feel pity for Subaru-kun…and just laugh? That's me.
CalasstriaStar: shame on you Subaru! Hokuto be giggling up in the clouds. And what a wacky adventure this is shaping up for the both of them!
Hatori Soma: wtf, indeed. Perhaps the best reaction I've had to describe this story.
LadyoftheBlackWings: huahaha! Always happy to kill a few brain cells with my work!
Sakora4: Oh I shall. What torture I shall give!
Firey Chronicles: Indeed you are. As for Kamui in a dress…I believe I've done that in a previous fic (along with Seishirou in bunny pjs…)
TintAngel: No Seishirou this chapter…(hint, hint).