Disclaimer: This story is the reason I don't own X.
Phew. This would have been finished a lot sooner had my internet been working properly…and if this chapter wasn't five pages longer than all the others (sweatdrop). For some insane reason, this story has gotten a lot of reviews. And I mean A LOT more than I expected or deserved. All I have to say to that is…damn.
To all the wonderful, deranged people who reviewed:
Tanuki-dono: If you're immature, then I'm in nursery school... TintAngel: Oh evilEVIL. But fun. And plenty of Subaru torture... DerangedandLovinIt: Oh my…well that is pretty crazy. But your friend nowintrigues me...0ri: tell me about it…and I don't really know why. I know I was horrible to stop there, but it needed to be done. And what would Hokuto say? One word. Ohohohoho... CalasstriaStar: (blushes) …I don't think anyone's ever called me that…but of course Sei-chan would recognize his prey! He's Sei-chan!... Meirav: As far as I'm concerned, it just isn't a crack fic without someone saying 'sod off' to someone else… LadyoftheBlackWings: Agh! Blast you and your dancing head-bananas! They followed me in my sleep! My sleep I tell you! And you saw Seishirou coming because I am an SxS whore... FireyChronicles: (laughs) More femininity…? Here comes... sakura: Mmm. Believe me, it was quite tempting to do so…but once I had the story going, I couldn't stop. It be a roller coaster of inane X doom. Although I love Sei, Suby and Kamui!... moongirlSelene99: That sounds really interesting! I'll check it out when I have the time! Sorta reminds me of Il Gatto Sul (sp?) where there's a boy with a split personality... eriol33: Wee, you make my heart go squee. Ages, hm?... Miss Midori: I honestly don't expect any solid reviews about my insanity. But yours make me feel warm and fuzzy too!... Hatori Soma: He thinks he's pretty-beautiful, naturally!... Aisu the Spiffy: Huahaha…and so my evil plan begins. First the craving for whipped cream and cherries then, um… Jamie: A lot of torture. They shall endure a lot of torture. Buckets of it, even... Blazing Kitsune of the Tempest: (looks around craftily) Well, maybe you won't be disappointed after all… SeriousSiriusFan: XD XD! OF COURSE THEY WON'T BE SLEEPING! HUAHAHA!... KleinerRabe: Crazy…very crazy. It's like the crazy's taken my brain hostage and is demanding a pound of Jello or else it will stab it with a q-tip. A q-tip…
Well, this is last chapter, sadly. And I thank all you people who sacrificed a few hundred brain cells to read and review this crack. Your brain cells will be used to power the great machine I built to enslave the earth. Hurrah!
I am MAN
If Subaru had been trembling any more, he would have fallen out of his seat. He could feel Seishirou's eyes melting his pale flesh as the Sarkurazukamori circled him like a vulture. The silence that enveloped them both was endless as it haunted Subaru into insanity. He almost wished for the older man to say something and get the torture that was in store for him over with.
It was a wish that he would come to deeply regret.
"Subaru-kun," Seishirou began warmly, his voice compromised by amusement. "As usual, your sense of fashion has me captivated."
His chest felt tight and blood crept up to his face. Hoping all this was a drunken illusion, he squeezed his eyes shut, but shuddered when two hands settled over his shoulders. He briefly wondered where that muscular man who had confronted Kamui went—not that he, or anyone, would be able to help him.
"I believe," continued Seishirou, "that the last time you did this, you were in a tacky dress for that Halloween photo."
"It was the early nineties!" an involuntary reflex prompted him to shout. He immediately found himself shrinking in his seat as Seishirou closed in.
"Well, I'm glad to see that my Subaru-kun's tastes have since improved." He breathed against his ear. "I'm sure that Hokuto-chan would have been proud."
Subaru shivered, and pushed the assassin back.
Seishirou chuckled. "Or perhaps not. Either way, everything about you is quite lovely tonight—hair, lips, eyes…breasts."
He let out a horrified gasp when Seishirou slid a hand over his sloping chest. False cleavage or not, he felt violated. He slapped at the offending hand, and hurried out of his seat.
Subaru did not know where he was running to, but he never had the chance to get there. His ankle twisted out from under him because of the precarious heel he wore, and the Sumeragi fell right back into Seishirou's arms.
"Careful," he warned without any change in his voice as he caught the onmyouji. "You might kill yourself that way."
"Is that a suggestion?" muttered Subaru icily.
Seishirou simpered back, and gently placed his prey back in his chair. "Are you going to try your drink?" he queried while motioning toward the glistening cup holding the Strawberry Daiquiri.
If the beverage was not so thick, Subaru would have thrown it in his opposite's smirking face. "No. I won't."
"No?"
He stubbornly looked away from it. "It's a girl drink. I don't want it."
Seishirou genuinely laughed at that. "That's never stopped you before. And with your present attire, I was sure that you would enjoy your favorite cocktail!"
Subaru frowned, but could not hide from the red washing over his expression as Seishirou's chest shook with light laughter. He started from his chair a second time; a broken leg under those heels was a small price to pay for an escape.
But Seishirou's hands firmly settled over his shoulders, keeping him captive where he was. "You're adorable, Subaru-kun."
Subaru struggled in response. Maybe he could claw his remaining eye out with his manicured nails.
Seishirou went on, oblivious to the Sumeragi's murderous thoughts. "I suppose that since you have refused my drink, it would be too much to ask you to dance?"
Flames danced along the borders of mascara-ed lashes. "Yes," hissed Subaru, "it would."
The Sakurazukamori pretended to be wounded. "But, Subaru-kun, you danced with all those other men…"
Subaru stilled wordlessly, and felt his blood freeze. "Th-they…they thought I was a woman…!" He winced, knowing that nothing he could say would have saved him.
Seishirou pounced at his response. "Is that all I have to do? Pretend that you're a woman?"
"No!" bit back Subaru with hurt pride.
Seishirou licked his lips, and went in for the kill. "Oh?" His voice raised, and threatened to carry to the other customers. "Then shall I treat you as a man, Subaru-kun? Should I declare your manhood to the heavens?"
Subaru turned burgundy as several eyes focused in their direction. "No!" he choked out. It was already horrible enough to be mistaken as a woman, but to be revealed as a man in drag was even more terrifying for the onmyouji.
The assassin beamed with victory. "Then it appears that you don't have a reason."
His face still on fire, Subaru opened his mouth to say something, but it felt like there was a stone in his throat. Rendered speechless, he glared back at his hated lover with his jaw hung open.
Seishirou grinned and slipped one of the Daiquiri cherries between his lips.
Kamui emerged from the restroom with his face siphoned of all color save for a sickly green shade that only an endless amount of time vomiting could produce. His body was for the most part purged of the sugary cocktails, and a fraction of his strength came ebbing back to him.
He resolutely set out to continue his empty search for Inuki. He did not expect to see anything of the dog, but as there was little else to do in this horrible nightclub and a sense of duty held him not to abandon Subaru, he looked, nonetheless.
And so he was completely surprised when the spirit's owner came bobbing up to him while holding two vibrant shopping bags at her side.
"Kamui-san! I was looking all over for you!" she chirped. She narrowed in, and her eyes widened. "Did you know that they have a giant dancing panda in this club?"
"Yuzuriha-chan!" he exclaimed, for once relieved to see the young girl. "Have you seen Inuki?"
She blinked in confusion. "He's not with you?" She stepped away from him and screamed into the nightclub. "INUKI? WHERE ARE YOU, INUKI! I'VE GOT BACON SNACK'UMS!"
Kamui clasped his hands over his ears. If he were an invisible dog hiding in this nightclub, he would stay invisible.
As if she had kept her voice level the entire time, Yuzuriha peered back into Kamui's cringing face. "Why are you looking for Inuki, Kamui-san?"
Kamui fidgeted where he stood. "He, uh, owes me money?"
Yuzuriha shook her head incredulously. Kamui bit his bottom lip trying to think of a better excuse when she folded her arms with a disgusted sigh. "If I told him once, I told him a thousand times! Stop playing poker with humans! Just because I showed him that painting with the dogs playing poker, he now thinks he can win a tournament. But I keep telling him, 'Inuki, poker is a people game!' but does he listen! No! So he goes to the clubs and bets his life savings—his mother left him that money, and there he goes wasting it away and—"
"S-so what's in those bags?" Kamui ventured to interrupt her unintelligible rant.
"Oh yeah! I got you a new Friendship Sweater, Kamui-san! And Sumi-san, too, when we find her!" She held up one of the shopping bags, and it crinkled as Kamui reluctantly accepted it.
"It's…not pink, is it?" he asked suspiciously.
Kamui cringed a second time as the girl let out a string of giggles. "Nope! It's not pink!"
Taking a deep breath, he stole a glance into the dark bag, where a purple "Friendship Sweater" stared back up at him. He sighed with relief, but quickly remembered his renewed mission. He tore his gaze away from the shopping bag only to be affronted by two large eyes that were only an inch away from his.
"Sumi-san's is pastel green, see?" she exclaimed while holding up the second sweater.
Kamui blinked at the garment. "Actually, it's more of a Paris-green, if you ask me."
Yuzuriha frowned back. "Really? Because I thought it was a pastel green."
"No, no, that simply won't work…at best it's jade-green with a dash of yellow." Kamui froze. "OH GOD! I just LISPED! No! I can't lisp! The savior of the world doesn't lisp!"
The other Dragon of Heaven drummed her fingers over the edge of her shopping bag. "Jade green? Not sea-green? Or just light-green?"
"No! Stop it! Just stop it! I need to find that dog!" howled Kamui, who was about to pound his head over the nearest surface.
"Alright!" chirped Yuzuriha. "But first put on the Friendship Sweater I got you!"
Kamui hesitated. "But I need to find Inuki n—"
"DO IT!"
He flinched back, and hastily pulled the violet sweater over his head, not daring to take his eyes off the unbalanced girl. "Th-there…I put it on…can we look now?" he asked cautiously.
"Okay!" she replied with an enormous grin, and seizing his hand with hers, Yuzuriha merrily skipped through the nightclub. Kamui sulked after, saying nothing more.
He had no idea that on the back of his Friendship Sweater, there was a large, pink heart.
Arashi stared blankly at the glimmering dance floor where a headless panda was squirming in unbridled agony. Her sword fell to her side as that pitiful, black and white blur rolled at her feet. The blow the blade had delivered had not even scratched the nightclub mascot. Only the large costume head had been cleaved off, leaving a squat, hairless, human head exposed at the top of the furry body.
"DEAR GOD, THE PAIN!" the man screamed as he writhed on the hard floor.
Sorata was leaping up and down in his chair. "Alright, Nee-chan! Now quickly, plunge a stake into his heart and stick garlic in the head's mouth!"
"Sorata-san, that's vampires," amended Karen.
The surrounding people were in a sickened stupor. "Holy crap, she beheaded Barty!" Half of them were now openly weeping as the mascot stumbled over the dance floor.
"S-she…she took down Barty in cold blood!" screamed one of the crowd.
"What are you talking about!" Arashi growled back. "All I did was knock off the stupid panda head!"
"Aha! So she admits to killing Barty!" bit back another.
Arashi shrunk before the angry crowd. "But he's right there!" she exclaimed while pointing at the disembodied dancing panda.
"IT HURTS! It hur-ur-ur-urts!"
"See?" Arashi frantically shouted. "He's not dead! And he's not even hurt."
The mob was not moved. "Why doesn't someone cut off your head, and see how it hurts you!"
"…feeling in legs going…NUMB!" whimpered Barty in spite of his wild flailing.
Karen stepped forward to defend her fellow Seal. "Arashi-chan didn't do anything!"
"Didn't do anything? DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! She's a PANDA-MURDERER!" exclaimed the foremost person of the group.
"Yeah! And they're an endangered species!" More agreement from the crowd.
"But he's not even a real panda!" cried Karen. "He's a guy in a suit."
Everyone gasped in horror at her words. "H-how…how can you say that!" shrieked a woman among them.
After a few awkward moments, Karen stepped closer to the thrashing man. "Here, I'll show you. The zipper's right here…"
But as she knelt down to the floundering panda-man, and closed two fingers over the zipper, he let out an ear-piercing shriek.
"MY SPINE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MY SPINE!"
"She's defiling Barty's body!"
"Have you no shame?"
Karen started up from the wailing creature. "But—but…it's just a zipper!"
Arashi had just about all she could take. "He's a GUY in a PANDA SUIT! He's not a panda! Just look at him!"
"…my…spine…" moaned Barty.
"He's probably one of those guys that sit in the park all day with the brown paper bags staring at children! He probably still lives with his mother! But of all things, he's NOT a REAL PANDA!"
Unfortunately, any hope that Arashi had of reaching the crowd was lost when Karen moved the zipper one inch down the back of the panda suit, causing the man inside to give his loudest scream yet.
"I CAN'T FEEL MY BACK!"
A new wave of angry shouts and threats engulfed the area, and the four Dragons of Heaven (even Aoki, who was being dragged along by Karen) drew together as they were backed into the corner.
Things were looking at their worse with the cries of 'murderers' being thrown at them, when, as is characteristic of any giant, angry and drunken mob, several torches and pitchforks materialized.
Karen and Arashi broke into a cold sweat, while Sorata kept bouncing in his chair. "You see? I was right again! The panda's so evil that even from the grave it has all the pitchforks hypnotizes to carry out his unholy revenge and then take our pants and eat them alive with bamboo and taco—"
"SHUT UP!" The two women screamed in unison as they readied their abilities to strike.
Barty squirmed at the border of the chaos that was about to ensue. "Must…stay…away…from…the light!"
On the other side of the crowded dance floor, soft, mellifluous music poured over the nightclub. Subaru was deaf to every note of it. The numerous cocktails he had consumed were coming back on him with a vengeance. He would have been surprised if he could take one step forward on his own, but at the same moment, his mind was remarkably lucid.
That explained how horrified he currently was in Seishirou's tight arms.
"I said let me go!" he demanded as the Sakurazukamori heedlessly swayed him with the music.
"If I do, I'm afraid that you will fall, Subaru-kun," he replied vacantly.
In response, Subaru furiously pounded at his chest with an incoherent growl.
He laughed back wickedly. "You're cute when you're like this."
Subaru huffed, and did not want to think about what in particular was cute—that he was drunk or in a dress. He therefore ignored the other man and redoubled his efforts to escape from his arms. But as it became apparent that there was no escape, he sunk his head against Seishirou's shoulder and cursed.
Why did he have to recognize me? he incessantly thought. Seishirou's smile broadened, and there was a strange glint in his eye. Subaru swore a second time, realizing that he must have said his last thought aloud, and he was too disoriented to notice the difference.
"Why did you have to recognize me!" Subaru snapped again while clawing into his shoulder.
Seishirou lifted his chin. "How could I not recognize my Subaru-kun's pretty face?"
Subaru glared back. "Don't call me pretty."
He snickered. "Beautiful, then."
"No," Subaru protested, recalling his argument with Kamui earlier that day. "If you must, call me handsome."
Seishirou looked confused. "But you're not handsome—you're beautiful. Extremely beautiful."
When Seishirou tried to caress his jaw line, Subaru slapped away his hand. "I'm not beautiful! This, this is all your fault! You're the one who made me do this!" He continued with his drunken tirade before Seishirou could make a witty retort. "I'm not a woman! And for once in your life, stop treating me like one!"
"You hurt me, Subaru-kun," Seishirou answered with a laugh. He squeezed the onmyouji even tighter and whispered into his ear. "You know as well as I do that with all the intimate time we've spent together that I've no doubt of your manhood."
Subaru simmered at the innuendo laced within those words, and growled once more as one of Seishirou's hands trailed down the small of his back. But his voice was muffled when another mouth pressed against his own.
Subaru's incensed eyes flew wide open, but when Seishirou had finished the kiss, he was more astonished to see that no one so much as glanced in their direction. It was then that he remembered that he was cross-dressed, and no one cared if a man was kissing his 'girlfriend.' He felt disgusted; Seishirou was exploiting him.
But Subaru was even more disgusted with himself when the Sakurazukamori soon was not the only one taking advantage of the situation.
Between Seishirou's lips he breathed out a whisper. "Damn you."
"Come on, baby! Just one kiss—don't make me beg for it!" cried a drunken man, who had a sickened Kamui in a death grip.
"Get—off—me—you—bastard!" snarled Kamui. He looked around for Yuzuriha to help, but the girl's full attention rested on the contents of her shopping bag.
"Paris green…but…but there's not that much yellow…why can't it be just pastel green? Or the color of green on that guy's face?" Rushing past her was one of the customers doing everything in his power not to hurl as he gurgled out 'headless panda!' She held her breath and folded her arms. "Hmph! I don't get it."
"I'm being MOLESTED over here!" screamed Kamui as the drunk pinned him against a table. But unfortunately for Kamui, he was always being molested by someone or something, so the young girl had learned not to notice.
"How do you think an olive green would look on her, Kamui-san?" queried Yuzuriha absent-mindedly.
"Go—f--k—a—tree—YOU PERVERT!" he shrieked and landed his knee against the man's groin.
Yuzuriha was mortified. "Kamui-san! How could you? I know olive-green's not everyone's favorite color…but it has feelings, too!"
The man was rolling on the ground in a fetal position. "Y-you bitch…"
"I'm A BOY!" he howled.
When the drunk had rolled out of sight, Kamui slumped against the table with a whimper. Yuzuriha sat at his side and gave him an admonishing stare. "I think you should apologize to the color olive-green."
"Th-that was the fifth guy who violated me in ten minutes!" sobbed Kamui. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Yuzuriha's hand immediately shot up. "Oooh! Pick me! I know what the hell's wrong with you, Kamui-san!" Kamui narrowed his eyes on her, and she clapped her hands and cheerfully answered. "Your Friendship Sweater's on backwards!"
Kamui paled, and after turning the sweater around, he felt sick. There it was, shining in all its feminine glory—a bright pink heart on his purple Friendship sweater.
"There you go! Now it's all better!" she exclaimed.
Kamui seized her by the shoulders. "You told me that the sweater wasn't pink!"
"It isn't pink, Kamui-san. It's bright peach."
He was trembling. "Are you colorblind? It's PINK!"
Her bottom lip quivered. "C-colorblind? You think I'm colorblind, Kamui-san?"
But Kamui was too occupied with pulling off the effeminate sweater to answer. It was stuck over the top of his head, and as much as he tried to tug it off, it wanted to stay on his body. His upper torso transformed into a wriggling mass of purple and pink while the empty sweater arms wagged back and forth.
As he fought his Friendship Sweater prison, he had twisted away from the table, and was now wildly punching and clawing at the wool fabric. "Why can't I get it off?"
"It's a Friendship Sweater, Kamui-san," remarked Yuzuriha, who was still wounded from the 'colorblind' comment. "You can't escape from friendship."
'Friendship' was beginning to suffocate Kamui. He fought harder as he felt his air supply running low. He was just about free of its treacherous hold when something large and furry collided under his legs, and he crashed to the floor with a loud thump.
Yuzuriha let out a terrified shriek, and reluctantly, Kamui pushed the sweater back over his head to take a glimpse of what had tripped him. Lying at his feet was the head of a shabby panda costume.
"S-someone killed a panda! It's a panda head!" she screamed Yuzuriha. "Oh God! What if Inuki is next? INUKI!"
Kamui pulled himself up from the floor into a sitting position, and amid the hysterical girl's screaming, he picked up the panda head and looked into its hollow, black eyes. "This is only a costume."
"This is serious, Kamui-san! There's a panda-murderer about, decapitating poor innocent, dancing pandas! What are we going to do?" Suddenly a charred and sword-slashed body fell at Yuzuriha's feet, smoke still roiling from it carrying the noxious aroma of burned flesh.
She looked down at it nonchalantly. "Oh. Look. A body."
Kamui scrambled to his feet upon realizing that they had just wandered into a war zone. A giant mob equipped with pitchforks and other barn utensils was amassed around a corner where he could hear several familiar voices.
"We're outnumbered!" shouted Karen.
"Just keep driving them back!" Arashi cried as she delivered another blow with her sword.
Sorata rammed the feet of his chair into the nearest attacker. "Taste the fury of my chair, Panda Minion!"
"MY HEAD!" screamed Barty, the headless dancing panda.
Kamui was not sure of just what to do after walking into an epic battle to the death of good versus panda, but his uncertainty did not stop Yuzuriha from walking into the fray of the chaos.
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Karen screamed as flames were expelled from her hands. However, when Yuzuriha moped up to her side, she took her focus out of the battle. "Aw, what's wrong, honey?"
"Kamui-san said I'm colorblind," she pouted. She ripped the second Friendship Sweater out of her bag. "Look at this! Isn't this pastel green? Tell me it's pastel green!"
"I don't know, Yuzu-chan…GET BACK!" she threw another ball of fire at a lunging woman who was armed with a peanut jar. "…it looks more like a chartreuse color to me."
"N-no!" wailed Yuzuriha. "It's PASTEL green! I'm not colorblind! Everyone look at this! It's not chartreuse!" The surrounding crowd members began to back away.
Kamui took this momentary ceasefire to walk into the battle and clear his throat. "D-did anyone lose a large panda head?" He held up the fuzzy costume top.
Under those magical words, the battle cries of that corner sped into awed silence, and the panda-war ceased. "That young heroine has found Barty's head!" exclaimed one person.
"She's come to save Barty!"
"I'm a boy," snarled Kamui.
"Quickly! Put the head back on Barty!" demanded a third voice.
Kamui blinked. "You mean him?" He gestured at the balding, bespectacled man worming on the floor in the panda suit.
"P-pain…unbearable…death imminent…goodbye, cruel panda-hating world."
Kamui hesitated to bend over the neurotic mascot, but somehow managed to place the head back over the costume.
And then something miraculous happened. A ray of light rained down over poor Barty's body and his leg twitched. Slowly, the beginnings of a Techno Dance Mix began to play, and the mascot leapt to his feet and danced to the wild cheers of the crowd.
"I am resurrected!"
Kamui pulled away from this increasingly bizarre scene when the man in the panda suit leapt at him. "You have saved Barty-the-Panda's life with your love!"
Violet eyes enlarged. "L-love? I just put back on your head!"
"Yes!" gushed Barty. "This woman's love has saved me from a cruel fate! What's your name, young lady?"
Kamui's expression of surprise turned into a glare. "My name is Kamui. I'm not a girl."
The dancing panda raised his paws to the heavens. "Kamui-chan! Our female hero—"
"Male!" interjected Kamui.
"—has restored Barty's head! From this day on we'll praise this brave young woman—"
"MAN!" he screamed in the middle of the panda's speech.
"—for her beauty and courage. She'll be known to all panda-kind as Kamui-chan, the beautiful!"
"That's it! Let's go!" shouted Kamui, who was about to give the mascot a punch in the nose. However, a small object that must have fallen out of the panda head caught his eye before he could beat the crap out of Barty.
He picked it up and examined the piece of plastic more closely. "Is this…a Barbie toy from the Taco Hut?"
"Oh yes," replied Barty. "I collect them."
Kamui gaped. "Y-you collect them?" But he suddenly brightened with an idea. "Nevermind. Can I have this?"
"For saving Barty's life, you can have anything." The panda leaned in closer. "Anything."
Kamui chose not to acknowledge the fact that a bald, forty-something guy in a panda suit was trying to seduce him, and stepped away from Barty. Then, holding the plastic figure of the fast food promotional toy, he spoke as clearly and loudly as he could.
"Wow. This sure is a neat…um," Kamui paused, gawking at the doll in his hands, but somehow forced the words out. "…Barbie toy from the Taco Hut. It sure would be fun to play with it right now…or use it to complete a collection or something."
"Oooh! OOOH!" screamed Sorata. "Can I play with her first!" All eyes from the crowd fell on him. He looked down with a pout. "I just wanted to braid her hair…"
Despite that rather disturbing outburst from the monk, Kamui's plan was a success. An excited bark drew his attention away from Sorata. Inuki panted up at him, and in an unspoken truce, Subaru's keys clanked on the floor from his mouth. Cautiously, Kamui enclosed his fingers around the key ring while inwardly flinching at how they were sticky with invisible dog saliva.
At the dog spirit's imploring whines, Kamui happily tossed away the Barbie toy. Inuki caught the plastic figure between his teeth with another impassioned bark.
Inuki: Hiker Go-Go Girl Barbie! At last you are mine!
In minutes, things were about as normal as they could be with a nameless nightclub that worshipped a dancing panda—sans the bloody and charred bodies on the floor, of course.
Kamui was nearly in tears as he hurried toward the bar counter with the keys held high above his head. "Finally! Finally it ends!"
The other Dragons of Heaven followed not far behind.
"We are NEVER coming here again," grumbled Arashi.
A loud thumping noise trailed in her footsteps as Sorata, still bound to the chair, hopped after her. "But Nee-chan! If we leave that panda now, it'll radiate evil all across the city until we're drowned in horrible panda-wrath! And then they'll enslave us all and make us change to a different area code! And that's just the start of it! Then they'll—"
"Look Inuki! My eyes match the skirt I'm wearing! That means I'm not colorblind, right?" exclaimed Yuzuriha, who was ignorant of the fact that a colorblind dog was probably not the best fashion consultant.
Inuki: Ah…the collection is complete. At last I can act out every episode of Sex and the City.
"Those people actually thought he was a real panda! He was a guy in a suit! How they could miss something so obvious is just beyond me, Aoki-san," remarked Karen as she dragged a blue-looking Aoki across the floor.
Kamui hurried forward when he saw the bar counter. "Subaru! I did it! I got your keys!" But a sickening realization settled on him when he noticed that the seat he expected to find the onmyouji in was empty. "…Subaru?"
People were beginning to stare as the strange couple was nearing three minutes of voraciously making out without breaking away for air.
"Mmnn…" Subaru moaned into Seishirou's mouth. He had almost forgotten everything that had happened in the last few hours with Seishirou holding him. However, when his heavy eyelids parted, it all came flooding back to him.
Scarlet lipstick smudges were painted all over the other man's face and shirt collar. Subaru broke away with a scowl.
A single amber eye opened with a hint of disappointment. "And I was beginning to get used to the Strawberry-Kiwi flavored Crimson no. 38 Glitter lipstick…"
"It's Stawberry-Kiwi flavored Crimson no. 37 lipstick, and I don't want you to get used to it," Subaru indignantly growled. "I hate the lipstick! I hate the dress! I hate it all!"
His complaints fell at Seishirou's soft laughter. "But it's a pretty dress—I mean 'handsome'—a handsome dress." Subaru looked like he could strangle the Sakurazukamori. "Not that it matters either way, in my opinion."
Subaru crossed his arms, demanding an explanation. Taking the Sumeragi back into his arms, he obliged. "I don't care if you wear a dress. I don't care if you put on flavored lipstick—although I did just get this shirt back from the dry cleaners." He paused to lament over the lipstick stains on his once flawlessly white shirt.
"Then what do you care about?" asked Subaru impatiently.
Seishirou captured his mouth in a gentle kiss. "Naturally, about what's underneath."
A disenchanted sigh left Subaru as he glowered back. He did not exactly know what he was expecting Seishirou to say, but he was nevertheless disappointed by his words.
Seishirou traced a slender finger along a red lip. "Shall I prove it to you?"
Subaru said nothing, which was invitation enough for him to take his hand and lead him toward the exit of the confused nightclub.
Subaru was positive that all the Daiquiris and Margaritas he drank were affecting his judgment. Under any other circumstance, he would never have let Seishirou have him so easily. But as he walked onto the crowded sidewalk under the glare of a nearby streetlight, he realized that he was finally going to get out of that dress, and he did not care how.
Once the club was meters behind them, he stumbled away from the direction the older man was leading him. "There's a Four Seasons a block away," he whispered more desperately than he had meant to.
Seishirou lecherously grinned, and draped his black overcoat over Subaru's dress. "As long as we can stop by Taco Hut on the way."
If you think this is the end…well, hahahaha! You're wrong! Wrongwrongwrong! For I have written (dramatic pause)…an epilogue!